Just Love

So what I am thinking lately is that it kind of sucks to live here in the US sometimes. What I've experienced is that giving love the way I do is really not a good thing. OK. Let me give some context to that.

I am what you might call....one who likes to show a lot of love by doing things for those I decide to love. I like to make things for them, I like to cook for them, I like to give gifts, I like to talk, I like to just give. But culturally, I notice that Americans have a very wide berth around them...as in, their personal space is very limited. When you show a lot of attention or continue to be generous, they start to become very suspicious. And you can feel it. And then you suddenly feel stupid. And then you start to feel like you're trespassing into their territory. And then I feel judged.

I wish that that were not so.

But it is.

And when I spent 2 weeks in Spain with some friends, I realized that I was so much happier because they allowed me to love them so freely....and with so much exuberance.

It made me remember what it was like because at first, I was very, very guarded. And then I remembered what it was like. And then I was happy.

I feel the same way when I am with my Filipino friends who are not LDS.

I also notice that friendships are not as robust and intense among Americans. Friendships tend to last only a short time and have their seasons. I have friends who I feel a close kinship with and who I still love whom I have known since elementary school!! And my high school friends are still close to me. We get together very often and love each other deeply. We feel for each other, happy for each other's successes, and worry about each other when we are going through life's challenges. We are always checking on each other. Americans tend to discard friendships so easily. I guess it's because their culture is heavily attached to self-reliance---that they can do things on their own. My culture tends to believe in being there for each other.

Anyway, I have been back from Spain now for a couple of weeks and already I feel myself holding back. And I am so very sad.

When Miracles Are Not

My daughter said something the other day that sparked a vivid remembrance. It was as if a sudden spark jarred that memory to the surface.

It was the fall of 1976. I was in a depressed state. I had just broken up with my boyfriend who, after just several weeks of being separated, had suddenly become engaged to another girl. It was one thing to break up with him---that was almost a relief but how could he already be engaged to someone else so quickly? That was depressing and it really  killed my confidence. I suddenly felt utterly replaceable. My ego was crushed. Suddenly, I questioned myself. I knew I had let someone wonderful go. But I also knew that I was not in any position to marry anyone in the state that I was in. I felt like I was caught in a horrible situation. I felt powerless and alone. So one afternoon, right before going to work, I knelt down by my bed and said a prayer. I remember that prayer ever so clearly. I asked God to "please send someone for me to love. Someone who will love me." I cried to him and felt so alone and miserable.

That same afternoon, I met a nice young man. His name was Tom. Tom from Dubuque, Iowa. He was in the US Army stationed in Oahu and he was taking his parents around. They were visiting the Polynesian Cultural Center where I was working as a tour guide. I took them around. He asked me to join them for dinner. I thought, 'why not?' And the adventure began. He was the answer to my prayer and I was shocked that the Lord had blessed me so quickly. Same day delivery. An unexpected miracle. It had to be. Not even 6 hours had passed since I was on my knees sobbing in desperate prayer...asking for a desperate miracle.

Me and Tom

Tom was a Christian. And at first he liked that I was LDS and we had the same desires and standards. He did not smoke, drink or cuss. He took care of himself. He was kind and fun. He treated me as though I were a princess. Later, it would become more apparent that he wanted to 'save' me from the cult of Mormonism. But he still made me feel safe, secure and loved. And I still felt that God blessed me tremendously by giving him to me when I needed him best. And I felt loved. The very notion that Tom was an answer to my prayer made him a blessing to me...a seeming miracle straight from heaven. And I misused that blessing when I allowed the circumstances to overpower my will and my own knowledge of good and bad. The fact that Tom felt like a blessing to me became the EXCUSE and rationale for making mistakes that alienated me from my friends, my standards, my own will, by beliefs, my family and my God. My blessing became my curse. And I paid a very steep price. This miracle was not. It was, in fact, a trial that would precede the real miracle that will take a few more years to happen.  Miracles do not 'just happen'.  When things fall into place according to our mindless plans or selfish desires, be wary. That's only the preparation to place you in the perfect spot for a trial that will precede the miracle...the miracle you may not have prayed for but is, in fact, what God has planned for you that will yield greater blessings that you did not even have the wherewithal to consider because you were too busy being.....human. As in my case, I was too busy being lonely, too busy feeling sorry for myself and too busy being miserable. To know that there is  God who knows me more than I know myself is....a miracle that is.

The Lord once asked Moses to make a likeness of a serpent out of brass to be placed on the end of a pole. And if a serpent bites any of the Israelites, all they had to do was look upon that brass serpent and they would live. That brass serpent was a blessing to them that God prepared to help in their time of great distress when they had to contend with fiery serpents that God also sent to them because of their lack of faith which led to much disobedience. And yet, this brass serpent that saved their lives also became their curse....because of their own lack of perspective...a lack of understanding. Shortly after, the Israelites began to burn incense 'unto the brazen serpent' (2Kings 18:1-4) and worship it. Their blessing now become a source of their own condemnation.

What we see as miracles in our lives can turn into our own serpent of brass when we use these blessings as a way to confuse us, an excuse to overlook the better choices or as a negotiating point with God to do what we want, confusing instant gratification with "feeling good" and therefore fool ourselves into thinking that we are doing the right thing BECAUSE it feels good. Clever, clever ploy that the adversary uses on good people.

How do we prevent this clever ploy from confusing us? I often wonder about this. And my own experiences have taught me some very important principles that I hope will aid my children when Satan uses this clever ploy.

I believe that it is our CHOICE that renders our blessings as either something that will cause us to achieve more light, understanding and therefore more JOY.....or whether our blessings can turn into a source of derailment, loss of focus on truth or blindness to the things that we are supposed to hope for causing darkness, burden and a loss of JOY.

LIGHT

I am fascinated by scriptures that talk about light. Paul talks so eloquently about this in his epistles but I feel that the depth and breadth of what he is really saying is so lost to those who cannot focus on what the gospel really means: the atonement and our relationship to Christ. All of his letters to the saints in Ephesus talk about this. Here are the verses that right now come to the surface for me:

For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light. (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth;) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. Ephesians 5:8-11

There really is an indubitable amount of 'light' in our countenance when we live our lives OUTSIDE ourselves---that is, when paramount in our minds and heart is service and sensitivity to others- when faith replaces fear and/or doubt and hope replaces a lack of vision and focus. When we forget our pain, our bitterness, our fears or the now invasive sport of blame assignment and instead concentrate on the tasks at hand--our hopes, our righteous objectives, a mind that seeks the inspiration that comes from personal revelation, we attain more light. Such is how the gift and power of the Holy Ghost works in us---and how the atonement is made active in our lives. Many times we only concentrate on the redeeming power of the atonement....not realizing that inextricably joined with that power is also the ENABLING or the EMPATHETIC powers of the atonement. It is why Christ descended below all things---so He can, as a mortal, experience all our pains, sorrows and fears. He knows all experientially. And therefore, by the atonement made active in our lives, we can access wisdom and knowledge through personal revelation---line upon line to receive more instruction, more understanding, more knowledge. If we are too busy or distracted, we cannot be sensitive to these quiet and subtle instructions that can only be heard by our spiritual 'ears' and seen by our spiritual 'eyes'. Without faith, we develop bitterness and hardness of heart. Without hope we lose our purpose and walk in circles. Good people simply go through the motions of doing the right thing poorly. The doing is their own reward. But the destination is never close, the true reward always elusive or even no longer desired and light slowly ebbs from their countenance.

That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth MORE light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day. (D&C 50:24)

How we feel at the end of the day matters. How we feel when we are alone with ourselves matter. And we can FEEL it.

THE WAKE OF OUR DECISIONS

We need to take a step back and make an assessment of our decisions and where we are in our lives. If we feel 'darkness' and a feeling of disorder, we have reduced or stepped out of the light. We can feel it. Because when we are by ourselves, we feel burdened, unhappy and dark. That's when we make decisions that break us, confuse us and derail us.

Interestingly, the word "decision" stems from the Latin word which means "to cut off". When we make decisions, we have to assess loss. Therefore, righteous decisions always give us more opportunities for service, joy and growth. Poor decisions limit us...cut us off or box us in. For most of us, it is not even a matter of making bad decisions. It's a matter of making the BEST decisions to help us reach our highest potential. That requires the gift of the Holy Ghost---doing what we were enjoined to do when we were baptized: To "receive the Holy Ghost".

When I receive instructions from that quiet voice...or sometimes, indubitably clear instructions, my initial reaction is ALWAYS: "But...."  "But I don't want to. But I am not wired that way. But that is too hard. But that is not like me to do that. But that is not in my nature. But that's too inconvenient. But that doesn't make sense right now." Very rarely will I just 'do it'.   Think about it. Do you really think the Spirit will intervene to tell you to do what you are already doing? Status quo, right? So He just lets you. Then you feel good because it's the right thing to do. But when He needs to intervene, it's BECAUSE you need a change....that's why it's an INTERVENTION. That's why He urges you to do something against your imperfect nature and suggests a change to improve your nature....to get you close to God's will. So when the Spirit inspires, directs, instructs, it is a moment of JOY....because His instructions lead to only what the Lord wants you to do. How can we protest that? How can we be upset about that? We must learn to follow joyfully.

Here are a few practical suggestions on what to watch out for when making decisions.

I

Remember that making crucial decisions when you are tired, unhappy, exhausted, depressed, despondent, desperate....you get the picture....is NEVER EVER EVER a good idea.  DO NOT MAKE CRUCIAL LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS DURING TIMES OF TRANSITION....especially indulging in dreams borne out of bitterness and ego-stroking. This is because your thinking is very LIMITED---and you are most probably making NEGATIVE PROJECTIONS into your future. Hopelessness is never a good factor when making decisions. Neither is hurt nor pain. If you make decisions when your life is at this stage, any decision will be disastrous. Remember that decision-making LIMITS or deals in LOSS so if you are in a state of resentment, hopelessness, despondence or negativity from hurt or pain, it would be improbable that you are projecting any REAL joyful and realistic outcomes in your future. All you would be projecting would be ESCAPE. And your losses will be catastrophic. It's easy to realize you are in this state---you become obsessed with blame--you blame yourself, your parents, your loved ones, your enemies....even your dog. And you become obsessed with guilt, with 'what-ifs' and go round and round creating solutions that don't work because your focus is now foggy....seen 'through a glass darkly'.

II

If you're making a decision a certain way so you DON'T have to ask for help, that's a huge red flag. Many times we make decisions that are clandestine because we don't want other people's judgment. Or we lie about these decisions. It's going around in circles needing help but not wanting help from others because deep inside you already KNOW that your decision sucks.

In this technological age of easy avoidances, texting is one of the most telling methods of NOT really asking for help. We text because we don't want to 'talk'.  We even text others about very crucial things because we can't bear to talk about them! Human life was meant to be a social, contact sport. We NEED others to help us realize our hopes and dreams. If we do it alone, we are actually in a sort of denial--putting ourselves in a dark cave as we make our decisions in secret because we are afraid that others might tell us we are wrong. In many instances, that instinctive fear is accurate. We are indeed hiding because we are doing something foolish.

When this happens, remember that time and space are your greatest allies. And so are the people who love you. Think about those people who have been tried and tested. Friends who have stayed with you during times of difficulties. Loving parents and family are your first go-to allies. Remember those who love you. They are the ones who will offer you succor, strength and a listening ear....at the very least allow you to talk so you can organize your thoughts. Remember those who do not judge you but know and recognize your best parts and still see them even in your pain, sorrow or confusion. Go back to them and invite them into your life.

III

"Because it makes me happy" is often a red flag. That's because it is so far removed from the statement: BECAUSE I AM HAPPY. Nothing MAKES us happy. We are simply happy because we are the person we should be....because we are in a place where we are outwardly reaching out to people, have a clarity of purpose and hope and a confidence that we are learning, growing and empowered by a sense of joy because we can see, feel, smell, touch that vision of hope---that righteous desire in our hearts wrought and made possible by the hand of God....because we see the miracles everyday that tells us that God is with us and loves us.

'"Because I feel good when I am with him/her" is a fallacy. We need to independently feel good and therefore seek those who are like us....those who can uplift, empower and connect with us in such a way that we are the best that we can be. When we are hopeless, fearful and give in to negativity, we experience a hardening of our hearts and continue to seek ways to numb ourselves in our misery. There are many things that aid in 'soothing' that broken, fearful heart: callousness and a hardening of our resolve to FEEL anything. And then because we don't feel anything anymore, we seek for quick fixes: drugs, dumb decisions, superficial activities and token good deeds. And then often, we indulge in relationships that are 'below our paygrade'  where we actually CONTORT ourselves to fit into that situation and then convince ourselves that we are happy there even when others around us are in disbelief that we have done this.

The insidious part of this situation is that everyone becomes our enemy---everyone is against us. We feel that, we resent it and then we act upon it....alienating ourselves from those who truly love us. And then this enormous decision becomes a dangerous proposition because we have begun to isolate ourselves from the very people who are trying to pull us away from our bad decisions....to save us from ourselves until in time, we discover ourselves alone, confused and astounded as to how we got there.

IV

Decisions taken from the standpoint of "at least I have...." are big red flags and should be addressed and assessed. How often have we heard abused women who simply CANNOT and WILL NOT leave a desperate and often dangerous situation because they fear being alone. "At least I am not alone." Or "at least he comes home and pays the mortgage."  Or "at least he does not hurt the kids and only me." Ahhhh........ "At least I am happy with him and everybody is just going to have to suck it up." I don't know of any good decision that has been defended by this paradigm of thought. It is sad, dangerous and most of all IRRESPONSIBLE to think and defend decisions in this manner.

V

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them. (3 Nephi 14:18-20)

This is another great clue when making decisions. The 'wake' created by your decisions should bring about 'good fruit'---that is, those decisions do not cause you to make further foolish decisions. If you need to lie, tell half-truths or hide your actions, then you are essentially acting upon what you already know is wrong. That's because you've already lost the power to make good and honest choices---choosing instead, to justify, misrepresent or deny the gravity of the 'wrongness' of your decision or choices. 

When I was with Tom, I fooled myself into thinking that because he was such a blessing and an answer to my prayer that anything I did with him was approved by God because HE was the one who blessed me with Tom. God gave me a miracle. I knew I was wrong but I still believed that. Because I was now powerless. And ending that relationship was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made that resulted in such turmoil and drama that was all so unnecessary.....and shameful. By the time he was finally gone, I had no friends, no confidence, felt dirty, isolated and unloved. I could not even see that I could have a future. But with God's help, I was able to survive this foolish, foolish situation brought about by foolish and unnecessary mistakes. Because I KNEW better.

All blessings given to us from God are in essence, trials. There is no blessing that is simply a blessing in and of itself. Doing token good deeds are rewards unto themselves. But anything that comes from God though disguised as legitimate blessings are really trials. Wealth, health, family, love, membership in the church, intelligence, children, even choice and accountability....all of these blessings are indeed trials and opportunities for growth and the understanding of God's will. Any of these blessings can be turned into curses according to the choices we make on how to use them. 

"I don't want to wake up little Billy because he needs his sleep so we'll skip sacrament meeting and leave when he wakes up...."

"I don't have to worry about exercise because I have good health and I obey the Word of Wisdom".

"I already asked my visiting teaching family if they needed my help and they said they didn't so I don't have to think about them until next month...."

Even the simple blessing that we can read can turn into a curse when we read things that dull our hearts to the spirit. Blessings of technology used poorly can turn into perversions of carnality, sordid imaginations and virtual, empty lives. Even the blessing of having a family can give us an excuse to not extend our arms to reach out to others, deciding instead to limit love and caring only to our clan. And then there are those blessings that are already in front of us that we don't recognize because we are looking about for something different...something that can "make us feel accomplished"...not understanding that there is nothing that can MAKE us feel anything. WE are the ones who choose how to feel about the opportunities that are before us---whether we will use them, magnify them and bless OTHERS' lives with them. Or blind ourselves pining for things that we see only through bitterness, loneliness or selfishness. Blessings and miracles are given to us to bless others....not to grow our perceived stature. That is the true miracle. Once the miracle falls so sweetly and easily on our laps, the test begins... is it a miracle? Or not? What we do next determines that outcome. 

As we do the right things in our lives, we can do them poorly.....or we can do the right things with a keen clarity given only by the Spirit when we are humble, with joyful exuberance and a real desire to bless others' lives---especially our own families.

Blessings are for our perfection---opportunities to become like Christ. Every single blessing we receive from God's hands carry with them responsibilities and opportunities to use them according to His will and purpose. If we don't realize that....then the blessings simply are their own rewards and we become attached to them not knowing that they are ours for fulfilling God's purpose through us. What a noble and great opportunity. If only I can remember that always.

Courage is measured by vulnerability

I once had a dream about my sister. It was so clear and vivid that after nearly 40 years, I can still see the dream in my head. I pay attention to those dreams because many times, that part of our brain that remains dormant when we are thinking too much about our stresses and worries are unsealed only when we are finally asleep....and dreaming. And when I wake up, I ponder the feelings and events of my dream. I classify these dreams as part of my experiences...awake or otherwise.

As we journey through life, we hopefully gain wisdom through our experiences. But often, as I pass through these challenges, though I do my utmost best to do so with courage, motivated by a strong desire to do what's right, I find that I can STILL be blind to many of my weaknesses. In fact, at times, in my zeal to do what's right, I actually do things POORLY partly due to what I lack in perspective, or due to that same zeal, I become blind to the variables that help me MEASURE how I am doing...that is, until someone wise helps me out. Sometimes the losses I incur for doing what's right poorly is much too high to pay. That's when angels come to my rescue. That's when someone finally turns on the light in that unused portion of my brain.

Doing what's right poorly is part of our purification and aspiration to be great and extraordinary. It's part of that spirit that is in us. Doing what's right poorly is what we do when we err not because we are filled with evil but because we are filled with the desire to do what's right. It's flying without a net. It's vulnerability at its best definition. And we need not fear it. In fact, we need to embrace it.

The joy that we feel or lack is directly related to our ability to be vulnerable. Such has been the topic of many scholarly research into how greatness is achieved.

I come from a mindset that does not fear emotional risk-taking. I love freely and fiercely; often with dire and painful consequences. But though this trait is a weakness, it can be my best strength. Often, I get intensely hurt and that's when things go bad. In order to NOT feel pain, many of us find ways to numb ourselves. Some do it by taking drugs. Some get drunk. Some simply close their hearts. And then some welcome hopelessness like a slow-burning consuming fire as a sort of preemptive strike to destroy all that they desire and love the most....ironically because they FEAR losing them. It's such a tragedy when this happens. The loss is incomprehensible partly because through time, we've already accepted the loss even if there is NO loss...nor a surety that that loss will happen.

How do we prevent this from happening? Sometimes we can't. But when we are blessed with the realization that we are doing this, NOT acting upon this will make matters worse...and the opposite of NOT acting upon this is simply making ourselves more numb. A lack of vulnerability.

The ironic thing about this is that the less vulnerable we are, the less brave we become. Because if we numb ourselves, we feel less fear which is precisely why we numb ourselves. When we fear less, there is no reason to be brave. And we do stupid things. And if we don't catch ourselves, we begin a long pattern that can be unbreakable throughout our lives.

Doing what's right poorly is what we do as humans. But its an impossibility to always do the right thing correctly ALL the time because if it were so, we wouldn't be human. And thinking that we can is arrogance at its finest....a negation of the atonement of Jesus Christ. We have to do what's right poorly before we can do things well. And it gets better and better. There is no other way to become extraordinary. That's the idea. Line upon line. But we HAVE to catch ourselves first. So self-awareness is key to recognition.

Hope is a gift of the Spirit and necessary for faith to grow.

And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope? (Moroni 7:40)

Hope is a clear vision of what we desire...so clear that you can see it, hear it, touch it, smell it.  Hope is all these things coupled with the belief that you CAN achieve it. Giving in to fear that this vision cannot be achieved is a loss of hope and all good things that come with it. Fearing that we cannot achieve what we hope is a lack of faith...when fear replaces faith. Once we recognize that we fear, we must take measures to increase our faith. And that's a real challenge...and why we must believe and understand how the empathic powers of the atonement can help us. 

Without courage, we cannot exercise faith. And without fear, we cannot measure our courage. Therefore, how vulnerable we are certainly measures how much courage we need. The ability to be vulnerable therefore opens the door to greatness...to becoming sensitive to the subtle changes that only the Spirit can bring. In building a protective wall around us to help us numb ourselves from the anticipation of pain or pain itself, we also numb ourselves to all things that are good. Without the ability to feel heat, we get burned easily. Such is the consequence of closing ourselves off and building walls of defense around us. We must not be afraid. And though I am constantly afraid, I realize that without being afraid, I wouldn't need God's help. There is always an opposition to all things and that sacred tension...that ability to find that perfect point of balance that changes in dynamic and constant ways, is what will allow us to be great, line upon line. The amount of fear we have to overcome allows us the courage we need to apply our faith which in turn allows us to find joy in our journey. It is important because we only get ONE chance...one life. 

I lost my ipod

I have been looking for my ipod for many months now. The last time I used it was probably a year ago. I looked everywhere. When I went to England last April, I really missed it. I also lost my Bose headset which was attached to my ipod. I know I had it last time I went for a walk, placed it on top of my desk and then....totally forgot about it. The next time I had to go for a walk, I could not find it. My cleaning lady had just cleaned the house and I did not even think about it.

Months later, before going on a trip to Provo, I realized that it was gone. I looked all over for it. I knew I had it and I knew that there were only two places where it could be: my home office or my bedroom. So for weeks and weeks,  I searched for it--in handbags, boxes, file cabinets....every single nook and cranny of those two rooms, plus everywhere else. Whenever we went on trips back to Provo or to California, I would search for it.

I thought about that ipod and headset nearly everyday. And nearly everyday for the next few months I would take some time to look and look again.

Later, I would have the opportunity to go back to London with Hannah. I only had a few hours to get packed and ready and I still had a couple of hours left after I finished packing. So again, I looked some more to no avail.

Every time I looked, I would secretly think: I wonder if my cleaning lady decided to take it home with her. Then a very clear thought would come to me: No. It's in the house but you will find it when the time is right. I had that feeling EVERY SINGLE time I looked. So whenever panic or anxiety or frustration would set in, that feeling---that sharp, clear feeling would come to me: you will find it when the time is right. And then I would be seized by a feeling of calm and as if it were a transfusion, patience would enter my body in soft, quiet waves.

Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go to Spain to speak at a missionary fireside on June 23. It would be a Saturday. I decided to buy my plane tickets the week before, on a Thursday. I was to leave Las Vegas on June 21 and arrive in Spain on the 22nd.

The night before I was to leave, a strange thing happened. I was in my home office printing my boarding passes late at night. Then I went upstairs to continue packing. Then a strange feeling came to me. I felt like I needed to go downstairs back to my office. As I walked to my desk, I suddenly stopped. I had a very CLEAR feeling come upon me....a strange clarity of thought that said: in a few moments, you will find your ipod. Those exact words came to me. I quickly made a visual scan of my small home office. I had looked everywhere--even behind the books in the library and in every box. I looked down on the floor where there were 3 small, black CD boxes. I had already looked in those boxes a few times. I thought, "No way." But I knew it. There were two of those boxes stacked together. I looked in the top box.  Nothing. Then I hurriedly opened the bottom box. And there they were: my ipod with the $300 Bose headset still attached to it.

I sat on my chair with my spirit completely in shock. Then I felt a sudden clarity again: God knows the right time. And He loves me. Tears suddenly filled my eyes as I pondered what just happened.

It isn't the fact that I found the ipod or my headset. It could have been a hat or...at one time, a ring. Or another useless item. But this experience underscored again to me that God is real and that the Spirit can teach us many profound matters that deal with the heart sometimes using the banal.

We are going through some trying and challenging times. I personally have been praying constantly for my loved ones and for some relief from the difficult times we are going through. But underneath all my pleadings, there is a constant clarity and reassurance that all will be restored...in God's own time. He is the author of all good things. And He is a God of order and light. All things come to His order. And He knows the right time for everything that is good. I also know that patience is a gift. It is an urging that comes from the Spirit. And I also know that hope comes from that same source. The loss of hope is congruent to a prideful spirit that resists that gift from the real source...from the the Spirit that brings hope and illumination to our lives. Hope does not come from us. Hope is a gift. And so is patience. And love. And faith. All these are gifts that come from the Spirit. And we are privy to these gifts but only when we are teachable, humble and willing.

Sometimes, when we fear, hope becomes dimmed. But the Spirit restores that hope when we seek it...if we want it. A life without hope is dark and it hardens our heart. But a life that is open to the urgings and promptings of the Spirit that cannot help but give us hope and the ability to see things far off is one that we must aspire to achieve. These are gifts we must strive to receive. And part of what we are privileged to ask for....what we are enjoined to receive when hands are placed upon our heads and we are confirmed as part of Christ's church. "Receive the Holy Ghost". Receive hope. Receive the gift of patience. Receive the gift of charity and love.

My ipod is really not important to me. In fact, I barely used it during the long 22 hour trip to Spain. But that moment as I stood in front of my desk....that moment when the Spirit told me that it would be found 'within a few moments'....when I finally found it----these experiences are miracles of God's love. And the ipod was just a tool to help execute an eternal lesson once again to me---that God knows me, that He knows my heart, that He hears my prayers. And most of all, it was another opportunity to recognize that familiar experience of hearing and feeling the Holy Ghost as He communicates to me that sudden stroke of knowledge and understanding. The more we hear Him, the better we get at listening. And I am so grateful that I can recognize His whisperings....though I do not always follow Him, I do know His voice.

God is real. And there is a Holy Ghost who can teach us things of the most profound imaginings--He can teach us how things connect and through these humble experiences, I can find how the atonement of Christ can constantly be active in my life.

My ipod may someday malfunction and quickly be obsolete. But the memory of this experience is just one of the many times that God has manifested His hand in my life....sometimes in ways that are magnificent and big....and many times, in ways that are easy to miss. These are some of the experiences that lift me up during times of darkness.....because I know that God is always there.

The One Question

I just woke up from a dream.

God asked me if I would be willing to give my life for any of my children if it meant that they wouldn't have to suffer. Never before had I seriously contemplated such a thought. But suddenly, I felt an overwhelming relief that that choice could actually exist.

"That's all I have to do?" I was astonished that there was a way I could secure that outcome.

"Yes, I would give my life for them."

And then I woke up....happy.

I've Walked This Trail Before

There is an old Filipino story that goes like this:

One day, a daughter decided that she was tired of her mother who was ill. And since she knew that her mother was ill and about to die, she came upon an idea. So one bright morning, she told her mother that they were going to take a walk to the jungle. Her thought was that she could walk her into the deepest parts of the jungle and then leave her there. She would be lost and never make her way back home. And she would be rid of her meddling ways. She was tired of hearing her mother's unsolicited advise and attempts to tell her how to live her life. She thought that she knew more things now because she was younger, wiser and more savvy. Her mother was old and did not know the ways of the new world she lived in. So she decided to lose her in the jungle.

As they walked further and further and deeper into the jungle, she talked to her mother about her plans for the future, pleasantly chatting away so she can entertain her....so she wouldn't realize that they were already deep into the jungle and far away from home. Though it was just a ploy, she suddenly realized that her mother may already know what was about to happen. She wondered why she didn't give her any clue that she knew what was happening. Throughout the walk, her mother, probably in an effort to pass the time, kept on breaking branches from trees and throwing these branches along the side.

When the daughter finally decided that they had gone as deep as they could so she can leave her mother there, she asked her why she kept on breaking off the branches. Her mother sat on the ground, tired, spent, resigned to her fate, said: to ensure that you can find your way back home.

How we hate our parents

The title of this blog is misleading. I'd like to think that we can't really hate our parents. And there is some context to this. Take note of this scripture in Luke 14:26

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Of course further context is given once we inspect the footnotes referencing "hate" to Matthew 10:37-

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

It becomes obvious then what "hate" really means. As I write these thoughts that came to me as an epiphany after a year of trying to figure out something that was amiss, I hope that I can shed some light as to what I am trying to say here because I am organizing my thoughts as I go. The thing about some 'aha' moments for me is that sometimes an understanding of what perplexed me will come as a complex whole and I have to somehow pick at that fertile vision to understand its components so I can see how it affects my circumstances.

I am an Asian parent with a strong desire to mold and shape my children into what I think they need to be. It's ingrained in my DNA and culture--though I am not sure that this is cultural. I am certain that part of the nature of being a responsible parent is to fulfill that role. The responsibility is a sobering one especially for us as Latter-day Saints. But inextricably mixed into that mantra are variables that affect our own expectations that give shape to that proverbial mold--culture, socio-economic strata, education, caste, religion, experience, intelligence, circumstances, geographic regions and even trauma. 

The scriptures tell us that we are to raise our children in the ways of truth and righteousness. Under perfect circumstances our goal is to know the mind and will of the Father at all times. Thus the mold we use is not one of our own choosing or make but the one that not just resembles God but is identical. Unfortunately, our "mortal-ness" often enough does not allow for that clarity. Therein lies the rub and raising children as well as being raised by parents become a complex dance of choices, perspective and hopefully, elegant execution. And more often than we would like, it can also be an ugly chaos made up of bad choices, unhealthy and skewed outlooks on life, broken relationships and isolation. 

As parents, we are locked into that responsibility and duty to raise our children the best way we know how and often, despite the notion that we are educated and well-informed, our efforts will always be lacking. Nevertheless, we have no recourse but to do our best.

As we stumble through the process of parenting, it is inevitable that we have our own expectations that our children have to meet. Often, as in my case, expectations are related to our own inability to reach our own parents' expectations as well as our own expectations. The alternative is impossible and tragic. Not to have any expectations is impossible--positive or negative they may be. Expectations are ingrained in our own make-up.

The attention we give our children comes with a host of these expectations and haplessly, in my zeal to expect my own grade of excellence, these expectations can result in an enormous amount of pressure on my children. To combat and survive these pressures, children will often develop armours to guard against them. The armour they build around them protect them from their parents' disappointments for not reaching their daily 'quota' of good deeds or accomplishments, as well guilt and lack of confidence. Often the armour they use is anger. Or withdrawal. Or a compulsive need to do the opposite of what's expected. To rebel. And sadly, though the target of these aggressions or reactions are the parents, the ones who receive the most damage are the children themselves. Because most of their energy go into this resistance, children often feel confused--even empty. This sort of reaction, this armour is called a 'false self'--a personality that is developed to deal with a parents excessive expectations or even too little expectations. And oftentimes, this 'false self' will spill into other facets of their lives.

This phenomenon is universal in the western world. If this is so, how do we gain a balance so that our children can be raised without this pressure? And how do we gauge that from child to child when every child in the family is different? If there an answer to this? If this pressure is built into the ties that bind parents to their children and vice-versa, is it a losing proposition? Are we just supposed to rearrange the deck chairs in the Titanic?

I am a mother AND a daughter myself and as I ponder these observations, I am calmed by the knowledge that Christ has descended below all things. Yes, even below these pressure-cooker, nitro-glycerin packed relationships. He understands me from both angles--from the standpoint of a daughter who cannot satisfy her parents expectations, who feels like a failure and who still does not know what to be when she grows up. And He understands me from the standpoint of a mother who has devoted her time, energy and talents into raising four children and feels woefully guilty about her errors, omissions and poorly, lacking execution of parenting good sense.

At some point, as a daughter, it is my responsibility and choice to see my mother as an individual with hopes, dreams and a tremendous sense of responsibility. My mother can feel pain and guilt about her own lacks and mistakes. She also feels a great sense of loss that she seems to be so dismally incapable of improving her relationship with her children simply because she does not have the tools or wherewithal to do so. And I forgive her and appreciate her. And I know she did the best she could. Her very, very best. And I love her for it. There is much choice in this matter. I can now choose to disarm myself from all those pressures and become more at peace with myself forgiving myself for being so hard and blaming my parents. Most of all, I can choose to align myself with their expectations and realize that they existed solely because they are part of the nature of being parents. These are choices I can make and I can release myself from the shackles of these expectations and attempt to rise above them because achieving excellence is not a bad thing after all.

As a mother, I am beset with guilt over my own errors and irrational expectations---that I can hold my children hostage to all those demands. What can I do to appease the demands of my conscience? There is not much within my control because my peace has to come only from my own children's forgiveness, love and acceptance; and hopefully, appreciation. And it flows that way. It has to.

My father once visited me in a dream. He said to me, "Christie, I have something very important to tell you. Remember that what you do here on earth affects me here in the Spirit World." 

I thought that this notion was a novel one and so I asked him, "Papa, how do I know that it's you and not me dreaming this?" 

Then he said, "I am going to tell you a joke, that's how!"

He then proceeded to tell me a joke that unfortunately, I cannot quite translate into English because the joke will be lost. But the important point is that it is the exact kind of joke that only my father could have invented. I laughed so hard in my dream. And I woke up laughing. And I knew he had been with me.

Whatever I do affects my father who has now passed on for over 20 years. I believe that my forgiveness and love does affect him where he's at. And I do love him ever so much.

Unfortunately, because it goes this direction, I pray that my children will make kind choices regarding their mother and most especially, that they can understand how this phenomenon works so they can be at an advantage. Knowledge is a powerful tool and this understanding is what I can give them. This is why I write. Because what I wish is that they will carry on knowing that these expectations are inextricably woven into the fibers of parenthood and as they reach the level of maturity where they can be forgiving and kind, they can free themselves from the shackles of the pressure that comes with expectations. Unfortunately, these types of wisdom and understanding that comes not just by experience but by careful study, ruminating, assessing, contemplation and yes, personal revelation cannot be bequeathed to generations to come except by articulation. Every generation has to start over. At times realizations of this sort come by some divine serendipity.And thus, I write.

I hope that they can realize that they can be themselves without penalty of disappointment whether it be from their parents or themselves. The way we see the world is a choice that we make and that includes the way we can forgive our parents for having too much expectations that we can handle or too little that we need. I hope that the desire to know themselves more deeply through their parents can be magnified WITHOUT the experience of estrangement because all too frequently, we only realize the value of something when it is gone.

Finally, one never really knows what selfishness is without the experience of having children. There is order in this knowledge. And a calm reassurance in the knowledge that as my children have their own children, they will hopefully appreciate this phenomenon that I have described. And that as their own expectations are formed as they raise and mold their own children, they can perhaps find a better balance than I ever could have accomplished. But I am almost certain that there will be a point as they ponder that delicate balance when they will remember their mother and how much I love them....and how my dreams and hopes for their future were, after all, despite my many imperfections borne out of the same deep and abiding love that they now feel for their own children. And then they can remember me kindly. And so it goes. And on and on, worlds without end.

The Spectre of Expectations

Everyone has expectations. Some are obvious. Some can be deceiving. Yet some can be hidden. We all expect something from others and we all expect some things to happen. After all, without expectation, there can be no hope. Living up to others' expectations can be a dangerous matter. After all, our PERCEPTION of what others expect from us may be totally different from the real truth. And where we are in our lives sometimes makes this paradox more complicated.

As a young woman, I perceived that my parents' expectations were unreasonable. I wanted to blaze my own path and in my need for independence, I felt that I wanted to do the opposite of what they expected...or rather, the opposite of what I PERCEIVED to be their expectations. My parents had high standards for me. After all, I was a national science scholar so I felt that they expected me to excel in school, get graduate degrees and then become some kind of high ranking corporate mover and shaker....cure cancer or make the world better....make headlines and have alphabet soup after my name.  And as Mormons, I was also expected to marry someone in the temple when there was no temple in the Philippines or anyone desirable to take me there. Everything seemed stupid to me. And unattainably overwhelming. So I just wanted to rebel. And why not? I did not want to deliver to them any degree or any success. I guess I was afraid to fail. Or simply wanted to be my own person..different from anyone's expectations. I just wanted to be me. Now I have no idea now in my old age what the hell that means but that was my rallying cry. I just want to be "me". Now, less than 4 years before I turn 60, I just want to be what my parents wanted me to be. Oh how I wish.

The truth of the matter is, this has been the cycle for eons---young people wanting so much to exert independence at any cost---even if the cost will hurt them in the long run. As young people we never seem to want to acquiesce to the possibility that our parents or others who have gone before us are right. Here's a novel idea: if man only had one life to live and if let's say, we tracked down what those who have lived a long life have learned during their lifespan, what would they teach us that can help us....that can spare us unnecessary difficulties and allow us a head start? And why wouldn't we want that advantage? Are we stupid enough to want to suffer because it's OUR suffering and we own it? What kind of garbage shit is that?

Here's an observation: as an Asian and also as a Mormon, I've observed that most parents want their children to learn to play a musical instrument. It's like a moral imperative to have our children learn to at least play the hymns on the piano. And some children take to the lessons....and then some absolutely hate it and at some time during their teen years, they decide that they don't want to play or take lessons anymore because it's such a bother and mom is such a nag for MAKING them take piano lessons. Well, I've never....NEVER ever heard anybody say, "I hate my mother for MAKING me take piano lessons." And I've heard so many people lament about how foolish they were not to take advantage of their parents' generosity. Or even sadly, others lament that they never even had the opportunity to learn at all.

But what if what our parents expect from us are simply what's BEST for us? Here's what I know:

1. A college degree is NEVER a waste. A graduate degree is a definite advantage.

2. Parents have seen more things than you have so they can spot potential problems that you can't see or refuse to consider. So if they warn you, don't marginalize that or get offended. Time lived on earth MATTERS.

3. Parents have more experience than our peers and can 'see' and even foresee things that our peers can't. I mean, why ask for advise from someone who's going through the same jungle? Why not ask the ones who know the way through it?

4. If a parent provides opportunities for learning, growth, development of any talent or ability, or any kind of help, BE GRATEFUL.

5. One day when you have children, you will also want the best for them....no matter how you interpret what's best for them....and you will be convinced that what you think is best for them IS what's best for them.

6. All parents expect to be appreciated.

7. All parents appreciate their own parents after being parents themselves. And when their parents are gone, they wish they were still around so they can ask their advise.

8. There's nothing wrong with wanting our children to excel. It's a moral imperative as a parent. Even God himself expects us to 'make our calling and election sure'. (2 Peter 1:10)

9. Do not be disappointed if your parents advice coincides with what the Spirit compels you to do. Often the need to assert independence may take precedence over doing what's right just because what your parents advised you to do is actually what you should do and you don't want it to be right because you don't want to do what your parents advise you to do. RESIST this temptation. It is merely your own pride.

10. So what's wrong if your parents want you to have everything or expect you to be successful financially? Or expect you to excel? Or expect the best from you? Is that bad?

What I discovered is that in my old age, I just want a re-do and do the things my parents expected me to do. I wish I studied better. I wish I didn't goof off. I wish I had taken advantage of their sacrifices that allowed me to study abroad. I wish I had enjoyed their generosity and been more grateful. I wish I had seen that they are just humans...people trying to do their best with what they have been allotted in life. I wish I didn't have to ride my moral high horse so high. I wish I had tried harder. I wish I got that degree. I wish I didn't judge them so harshly. And now that I am old, I long to hear their stories and want so much to understand them as people....as my equal.

Expectations allow us to soar. It's a matter of attitude. We can change the world by adjusting how we view it. Life on earth is so precious that there must not be any waste longing for things that we don't have because the Lord has already given us so much. What we need to inspect and continue to assess and evaluate is how we are using the resources that we already have...to see the miracles and the divine providence of God in our lives. There are no accidents and coincidences. Even the challenges we have are there to refine us. And what we already hold in our hands may be the key to our full potential. With the balance of my life, I hope I can still fulfill those expectations that will allow me to excel and fulfill the full measure of my creation.

2258 F. Aragon Sta Ana, Manila. The five door apartment we used to own. We lived on the far left.

Me and Ellen, my sister. I am sitting on the chair and wearing my blue uniform. I am missing my grey tie. Ellen is wearing a pink uniform with a white collar and tie. This was the uniform for the Ellinwood Church Kindergarten School. I am in first grade at the Union Elementary School, Philippine Christian College. Our schools were across the street from each other. I am six years old and Ellen is 5. 

Performing in the USS Midway with Steven Boothe. I learned to play the guitar by myself and got so good that it allowed me to travel the world with BYU-Hawaii. My father set me up to learn from other musicians and taught me how to listen so I can play chords by ear. He had such huge plans for me. (July 1975. I was 19 years old)

Since my parents did not have sons, I was always expected to serve a mission. That was one expectation I was happy to have accomplished. It served me well. I was the first Filipino national to enter the MTC and the first Filipino to serve in Europe. This was taken in Logroño, Spain where I served 7 months. Happily.

Here I am a new mother with weeks old Jordan. On my face you can see how happy I was....how I had dreams and expectations that the baby I had in my arms will change the world. I think all mothers feel that way about their children. I can't imagine not having any dreams for my children. And conversely, I think its our responsibility as children to deal with that phenomenon in a manner that breeds joy and appreciation because the alternative is unthinkable....and sad. Its our responsibility to use this phenomenon to empower us instead of approach it as a millstone around our necks--or as an excuse to punish our parents for having dreams that are impossible to attain.

London By Default

Kurt and I were just about ready to leave our hotel room in Mission Viejo, CA at around 9:45am when Hannah and Tascha called. I actually can't remember if they called or I did but they were both on my mind that morning because I knew they were about to board their plane to London for their much anticipated sisters' trip. And Kurt and I were in Orange County for a little get away because I was feeling very overwhelmed by events of the week. Tascha was very sick--nauseated, weak, chills, diarrhea, cramps. There was no way she was going to make that flight and they were going to be boarding in 30 minutes. Hannah didn't know what to do. I had to make a quick decision. So I told Tascha not to board the flight and instructed Hannah to go ahead and make the flight and I will get to London as soon as I can to meet her on the next available flight. Hannah began to cry. I did not even know that I could do that. I didn't even think about a passport. I had already packed for the weekend so the worst part of packing was done...which involved cosmetics and such. But I had no idea if I can even get a flight out...or how soon. But there was a definite clarity about my quick decision as though I could see in my mind's eye that there was a seat on a particular flight just for me. I told Hannah to take a London cab to the hotel and wait for me there and I will be there as soon as I can. Things just happened quickly. I found a flight for 8:45pm which would get me in London by 3:30pm the next day. I knew Hannah would arrive that morning so I was relieved. I was even able to choose an aisle seat because the timing was perfect since seats were released 24 hours before the flight and I booked early enough within that time frame. Then Kurt and I drove the 4 1/2 hours back home--just enough time for me to pull some underwear, a couple more shirts and grab my passport. Luckily, Kurt still had some Euros and British pounds from our trip last year. While I got my stuff together, Kurt ran to the drugstore to refill my prescriptions and get some cash. Then I found myself on a British Airways direct flight to London Heathrow. And it happened that quickly. I did not even check the weather.

Hannah happily shows off her Cath Kidston purchase and a giant macaron at the St. Pancras Train Station in London.

When I got to the hotel about 7 hours after Hannah arrived, Hannah wasn't there and there was no message other than 3 voice messages from Kurt. Apparently, she had tried to check in early in the morning and the room was not ready so she left her suitcase and then went on her way. So I checked in and thought maybe I can walk over to the BYU center to check if Hannah was there. As I was walking back to the lift after depositing my luggage in the room, the lift doors opened and out walks Hannah!! I was so happy to see her. She had found a singles ward that met at 2pm and single-handedly, without even a place to refresh, found the meetinghouse! But it took a lot of doing---from finding a net-cafe, to finding an affordable place to get a skirt, to finding the meetinghouse itself. And it was a long walk to and from!! What a resourceful, wonderful young lady she is!! And since it was Easter Sunday, it was so much more meaningful that she made an effort to go to church.

So we had a fabulous time in London. We also went to Paris and when we got there, it was so cold and rainy. Of course, I had NO warm clothes. I did not even give any thought to checking the weather before I left Vegas. I only had 1 pair of jeans and I wore that out all week!! At least I had a pair of boots. Despite the rain, wind and cold, Hannah and I still took the metro and had crepes near the Eiffel Tower, took pictures at the Trocadero, spent some time at the Louvre, had some dinner at a croissanterie and even shopped at Galeries Lafayette with a special stop at Pierre Hermes to get 12 flavours of macarons...two of each!! We spent a good time in our quaint Parisian hotel room just a few blocks away from the Republique circle eating our macarons!

Our quaint Parisian hotel room. Very sparse but super clean with comfy beds and wonderful linen!

Macaron Madness!!! Paris, France April 2012

More pictures:

The fabulous view from our room in Paris!! Buildings from La Belle Epoque.

Our hotel is called The Paris France hotel. At $140 a night, it was a steal! And the location was fabulous---with two metro stops close by. Below is Hannah waiting for our metro. This was our first metro ride the day we arrived in Paris. I prayed when we left London that we would find a nice and fair cab driver in Paris. And we did. The taxi line was long from the station but our cab was SUPER clean, our driver was super decent, dressed so nicely and got us to our hotel quickly. I gave him a nice tip. He was African and his cab smelled so good. We were so grateful especially because it was raining. After that cab ride, we used the super efficient Paris metro system even to our final station to board the Eurostar back to London. We love Paris and anytime is a good time for Paris!!

Just a few steps from our hotel and across from the Republique circle, we found this awesome store called TATI. Of course, that's what I call Natascha so I got Hannah to pose below the name.

A few steps past Tati is the Republique and then to the right of it, the metro stop. Here's Hannah by the Republique.

We went to the Eiffel Tower. (Champs Mars) and took pictures.

And then had crepes to order. (Nutella with banana) Yum.

And then went to the Trocadero for a better shot of the tower.

Then we went to the Louvre,

....and posed.

And I made Hannah pose in front of one of my favorite paintings....just because it's so sad and sentimental. Si tragicque!! 

And then whilst traipsing in the metro tunnels, we found this awesome poster!! Our name is famous in France!! Yipppeeeee!!!

And the next day, we boarded our nice Eurostar train to go back to London. The station in Paris was not as nice as the one in London. But I think they had better snacks. Below is Hannah with her dinner: some kind of veal loaf, cous cous, salmon and a very yummy chocolate dessert with bits of praline.

We had so much fun in London. We even got to watch a nice musical called Ghost based upon the Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze movie. It was a bit cheesy but we both shed a few tears anyway. Hey! We're in London! We can be emotional at the theatre! Below is Hannah as we got off our tube stop on our way to St. Pauls' Cathedral which is just across from the Millennial bridge which we were going to cross to get to the Tate Moderne Museum.

And again below is Hannah in one of the rooms at the Tate with this awesome art made by a Korean artist whose name escapes me. But it's spectacular.

And here's me at the St. Paul's Cathedral. In all of my pictures, I am wearing this jacket which is the only 'warm' thing I packed. It sure was cold but somehow, it didn't matter so much because I was having the most wonderful time with Hannah!

We did have some time to shop. We went to Primark. Hahaha!! The first time I went there this time, I got claustrophobic and started seeing spots before my eyes. I thought I was going to pass out. It was shoulder to shoulder people in one crowded contained, enclosed space. So I didn't fare very well. But the second time we went, I was fully prepared. I took a xanax and did well. Hannah made some awesome purchases. Hannah also took me to the Borough Market where there were so many types of breads, cheeses and all kinds of wondrous food products! Well, it wasn't the Boqueria in Barcelona but it was interesting.... we bought the most wondrous olive oil with white truffles and some gooseberry and elderflower jam. PLUS we got some goat milk ice cream and even when it was wet and cold, Hannah and I still enjoyed eating the ice cream. And I got to take this nifty photo of Hannah by these poor dead bunnies.

Hannah enjoying her goat milk ice cream in a waffle cone.

On our last day in London, we walked over to Kensington Park and had lunch at the Kensington Orangerie. I had fabulous lamb and Hannah had the beet salad which I have to say, was delectable. For dessert, I had the Queen Victoria cake but Hannah's dessert was the best: she had the Eton Mess---a wondrous concoction of whipped cream, bits of meringue and fresh strawberries. Yum. After that meal, we walked over to Notting Hill and to Portobello Road where we got some awesome scarves...and some cupcakes from Hummingbird Cakery.

Sometimes things happen that we totally don't expect. When we got the phone call from the girls, I had to make a quick decision. I am grateful that we have the means for me to just get on a plane to London at the drop of a hat and that I have a passport. Ironically, I was already packed. I did fly coach but it was a direct flight and I was even lucky to get a seat on such short notice. Everything just worked out smoothly. And so I cannot help but think that when things happen, it is good to be prepared. In fact, if we lengthen our stride, we will realize that when unexpected things happen, the Lord does equip us with the wherewithal and ability to overcome challenges and find solutions. And also when unexpected events happen, it is a good thing to roll with the punches and try and make the most of the situation-- to be positive and find joy even in the most unexpected, most challenging times. As it was, Tascha stayed in Provo and it was providential. Her boyfriend got sick and then later during the week, his grandmother died unexpectedly. It was during this week that she and Jared went through some challenges and thus from those challenges, opportunities for an improved and more meaningful relationship were borne. Their relationship is stronger and has reached a new level after having gone through this particular week of personal revelations and realizations. If Tascha had gone to London, those wonderful events might have not happened....or at best, might have been delayed.

And while I had no plans or aspirations to be in London, I found myself suddenly there with my daughter and that week to me was such a revelation in so many different ways. I've discovered many things about myself and about being a mother. Some of these discoveries are frustrating and can really drag me down--realizing for example, how overbearing I can be. Or how overprotective I can be. Or how old and decrepit my body has become. Some revelations are hard to accept. Like realizing that I can be irritating. But then again, I also realized that I can take on the day even when I don't feel like doing or going anywhere...especially when the first two days in London and first day in Paris were dismally drearily wet, cold and...cold and I was so ill-prepared and did not have the right warm clothes. The weather really made me feel a bit defeated. But I fought those feelings and just went out and enjoyed every thing we could see and do. I remembered what it was like when I was young and could go anywhere fearing nothing. That was a good remembrance. Sometimes I feel like my daughter still views me as her enemy. And sometimes, I feel like a millstone around her neck. But I'm her mother and I can't change that. Someday, I hope that I won't feel that way.

London by default in April of 2012 was another revelation. I am still processing the many things I experienced and discovered. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand and can just be a non-mother. But I don't know what that means....or entails. Sometimes I feel so marginalized and unappreciated. And sometimes, I feel stupid. But I try to rise above these feelings. And it's a fight. And I hope to win it someday.

Eating a giant macaron at the St Pancras Station in London.