Normal Conversations

Here's a typical happening in the life of my friend. It's a compilation of conversations that have been going on for years. It may sound funny and exaggerated but all are true. In real life, it's not funny. The names have been changed to preserve identities and small details altered....

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Dad, after a phone call from the police department: That was the police. They've arrested Sam and his friend for drug possession. They found a pipe and some pot. I better get them out of there.

Step-mom: Again? What? This is the fourth or fifth time, right?

Dad: I can't let the police hold them. They've got my car.

Step-mom: How did they get your car? Did you let him drive it again? Didn't you ban him from using your car after the last arrest?

Dad: Poor Sam.

Step-mom: How do you think he's paying for gas and pot? He's 19 and hasn't been able to hold a job. He doesn't have a job.

Dad: I don't know.

Step-mom: You know, we're missing the flat panel TV that you bought, the Xbox, my laptop, a CD player, some cash and my jewelry. Have you been giving him money too?

Dad: Well....I let him use my credit card just to get some dinner. Besides, we can't prove that Sam or his friends took those things.

Step-mom: What? Didn't we just pay $800 last time for using your card to call those nasty 900 numbers? You let him get away with that again.

Dad: It doesn't matter. The card only has a $2500 limit.

Step-mom: But...

Dad: Well, I didn't complain when you racked up $500 to go shopping for your daughters.

Step-mom: Oh I forgot. Okay then. It's your card. Your money.

Dad: I'll go bail them out again. By the way, I'm letting him drive my car to the cabin tomorrow.

Step-mom: Oh. Are we letting him go snowboarding tomorrow after being arrested again?

Dad: Well, it is New Years' weekend. I have to leave a day early. You'll have to take the jeep to meet me at the cabin and stay here alone for one night with Sam. He'll follow later in my car.

Step-mom: But I'm concerned that he'll bring his friends over again. You know, I think they deal. And they're always high on something. I'm concerned for my safety. You just never know what kids can do under the influence.

Dad: What can his friends possibly do to you? They're nice kids. Sam would never hurt you! I'm offended that you would think that way of Sam! He's a good boy. He can be a sweet boy.

Step-mom: You mean other than dealing, doing drugs, stealing, sex with minors and illegal road racing, they're good kids?

Dad: Yeah. Now, don't be taking on that attitude. You know, if you just show a little bit more love and be more of a mother to Sam, he'll change and become a good person.

Step-mom: So it's contingent upon me for Sam to behave well?

Dad: Well, he just never knew love from his mother. And people have judged him so harshly. You need to be more loving and forgiving. I am very disappointed in you. I'm disappointed in other people who should be friendlier with him. Parents should teach their children to be more loving to people like Sam who have many challenges.

Step-mom: It's kind of hard not to judge him harshly when he's got a potty mouth, smokes weed, doesn't have a job and steals. Nice kids don't want to hang with potheads.

Dad: He's just misunderstood. People just need to be more friendly with him. I'm just so disappointed in those nice kids. And I'm especially disappointed in their parents. How can they be nice kids if they can't be friendly and forgiving with Sam? I hold them responsible for Sam's misery too.

Step-mom: Okay, well, do as you wish. (She's had conversations like this for nearly a decade and tries very hard to disconnect.) I'll just go upstairs and pop some more pills to ease my nervous stomach. You just do what you usually do and bail him out.

Dad: Okay, I'll see you later. I'll be at the police station. Now remember that I love you.

Step-mom: It's kinda hard to forget that dear. Of course, I know you love me. I just can't be first in your life ever because your kids come first and I understand that.

Dad: I appreciate that. But I'd love you more if you just acted more like a good mother to Sam---you know, make him oatmeal once in a while or just don't get so upset whenever he steals or doesn't come home. You let your kids get away with murder too. Just make sure your bedroom door is locked so we can help Sam not steal. I had the alarm system installed for your protection.

Step-mom: But how is Sam going to get in if I fall asleep and he comes in at 3 in the morning?

Dad: Oh, I gave him the code.

Step-mom: (exhausted) Alright dear, I'll try harder next time to be a better mom according to your expectations and demands.

Dad leaves. Step-mom disconnects. And Sam gets bailed out again, no real nor meaningful consequences happen. And this madness has been going on for years now. But really, it's just normal conversation in their household. No one has an inkling that it just isn't normal. It is THEIR normal. Sam will get high tonight, hang with his pothead friends, and cruise the already crowded streets of Las Vegas, full of New Year's weekend revelers. His step-mother will turn on the alarm system, lock herself in her bedroom and take a sleeping pill. And I pray that she'll be safe.....again.

Difficult People

During the holiday season, stuff comes out of the closet in more ways than one. I start thinking about difficult people.

Difficult people (DP) are those who make you feel uncomfortable when you are around them. They can also cause you to feel stress when you think about them and their words or actions cause you to feel terrible hurt, frustration or an unrelenting feeling of helplessness. It is an easy matter when difficult people are simply those you can avoid. But oftentimes, difficult people are part of your family, extended family or those you work with and deal with on a daily basis. That's when it becomes quite a challenge.

I've thought a lot about my own circumstances and the difficult people who are part of my life. I've come to realize why these people are difficult and cause me great frustration. First, they are DP because they have some inner pain that they project on you because you are just the convenient person to strike at. A good example is when someone feels enormous insecurity or self-loathing. When they meet someone who they deem is a threat to their standing in the family or in the workplace, their raison d'être becomes simply to make you look bad or as a difficult person once confessed to me, "to put one over you" at all times. This relentless pursuit to make you look bad or insignificant can be tiring and stressful especially when done over and over. These are people who CANNOT and will NOT see YOU as you are but are caught up in some kind of mechanism that makes them see you and identify you as someone like you who stirs up some sordid, ugly feeling in their minds. This causes them to react to you as if YOU were this person. And you end up the brunt of ugly deeds, words and manipulations. These are people who probably have inner turmoils or unresolved hurt or childhood trauma.

Secondly, some people are difficult because they cannot experience you as you are and thus interpret YOU in a way that is dictated by their limited experience...though their conclusions are quite unchangeable even if you are completely and utterly not even close to their interpretation of who they think you are. This is so common in families. Have you ever been in a situation where, no matter what you say or do, people in your family will still interpret the meaning of your actions or words according to some hidden agenda or encyclopedia in their head? And the worst of it is that your actions and words don't even come close to their interpretation? Ah yes. This is terrible stress.

Most DP come from families where there is unhealthy communication or disconnected relationships. There are three roles generated by this situation: the Perpetrator, the Rescuer and the Victim. These three roles are not exclusive to one member of the family but rather, each member takes on each role under different circumstances. The important point is that whenever these roles are played, NO ONE wins. All lose. Sometimes, the loss is huge and ineradicable. All roles cause pain, perpetrate lies or painful secrets, come from a sense of shame or cause shame, come from a loss of personal power and come from a feeling of worthlessness. The Perpetrator, fueled by the need for self-preservation and/or the need to feel empowered because of the loss of it, has one motivation alone: to hurt others and put them down. They believe that others deserve the punishment or hurt that they are about to inflict. The Rescuer, is fueled by the same need for power, superiority and importance just as the Perpetrator and does this by enabling others. They feel superior by rescuing or enabling others. They take on a "you owe me" attitude. They feel that they need to be in the middle of everything because they are vital and necessary to find solutions to problems. And lastly, the Victim role, again, is fueled by the same needs and thus find safety and self-preservation by being submissive. They are unable to stand up for themselves and avoid confrontation.

The only way to tear one's self from the debilitating dance of taking turns taking on the traits of all three roles is, I believe, largely innate. No one knows for sure why some people can tear away and create healthy relationships despite growing up in an unhealthy situation such as described above. I call it resiliency and emotional intelligence---an awareness of one's self and more importantly, one's worth.

Everyone operates on their hopes, dreams and perceptions. Intellectually, I can understand that people, myself included, have their own version of reality. I understand that what DP say about me is really only a projection from their own reality or awareness. I also understand that most of the time, they do not see me but instead, see only an interpretation of someone like me who they think is me and are imprisoned in this haziness. They obviously do not take the time to see ME as I really am because they have drawn their conclusions already. So they are stuck. And invariably, they lose the opportunity to see the real ME....the true version of me that perhaps they might like after all! If we can only see each other as we really are, we can begin to truly love one another.

The danger of having DP as part of your family is that most members DO have a preconceived notion of what they deem each member of the family is. They cannot fathom that their brother or their sister is an individual--- a living, breathing human being with strengths, weaknesses, interesting idiosyncrasies, hobbies, opinions, personalities---that they have grown up to be people that they know nothing about. They continue to react to them within their reality and awareness that all too often is so diametrically opposed to who their brothers or sisters are. They miss out. They lose. No, everybody loses. The key is, communication and a desire to really know each member of the family individually---not as the whiny little sister or the brooding older brother---to let go of those old, obsolete impressions and just get interested. To even encourage this to happen is like pulling teeth and oftentimes, we get jarred only when it is too late. My husband for example, tried calling each of his siblings on various occasions and his calls are never returned. And he doggedly tries and tries. I admire him. I wish I were more like him. I find that sometimes, we push the same buttons because we are simply too lazy to find other buttons to push that may open up a whole new world....a whole new relationship and perhaps, a lifelong friendship.

How do I deal with difficult people? My tendency is to stay away. Stress gets the best of me. I do try hard to keep relationships alive but sometimes it takes its toll. One holiday, just a few years ago, we put our four kids in the van to make the long drive to spend some time with extended family; some of whom were most definitely DP. We didn't even get to the freeway when I started to have a severe panic attack and began to throw up. Needless to say, we turned around and went back home. That was the last time I was to attempt to spend Christmas in Utah. There has to be a point where I need to just stop, recoup and wait for another time. Hopefully, that time will come soon. Now I understand those stories of family members showing up to Thanksgiving dinner drunk. Well, since I don't drink, I may just have to find a way to be heavily medicated.