Things I Learned Standing on Grass

The year 2011 has been quite unsettling for me. The challenges are more subtle but relentless. Most of its impact have been internal. The challenges and conflicts are mostly within myself caused by variables that are, after careful deliberation, very universal. The solutions and remedies required can only be self-discovered since the challenges come from within. But nevertheless, these challenges within me have been brutal. Take note that I believe it's not a coincidence that 2011 is a prime number; a number divisible only by itself. (!) Being the over-analyst that I am, I find that fact a revelation that for some reason brings me some reassurance. 

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side. Mostly this notion has taken on quite a metaphoric gravitas on the way things have lined up this year. Mostly its because the internal strife that goes on inside me begs a reboot---a cleaning up of everything and a desire to replace everything with anything different. Because anything is better than the drought that has been building throughout the year. Truly, the grass I was standing on is less verdant than the other side. Or any side for that matter. I just wanted out. There is this dominating feeling that I need to 'move on' or 'move forward' or restart. Replace the old with the new.

There have been health challenges where I wished time would fly faster so that I can recuperate and bypass the pain and discomfort of being sick. I struggled with conquering the diabetes that has threatened my life-style. We've had financial setbacks that surprised us and adjustments had to be made. There were times when fear got the best of me. I was released from doing what I loved--teaching seminary. I never thought that would impact my life so deeply. There were many other challenges that I do not care to list. But nevertheless, my poor spirit was mostly dampened by fear, insecurity, doubt and endless worries. Like I said, the challenges themselves are universal and empirically are not devastating. But for some reason, my internal workings fail to give me perspective and calm in 2011. Perhaps the biggest challenge of 2011 regarding my own health has taken a larger toll. And all I wanted was a free pass so I can move on to other things.

Once, in a conversation with my daughter, I observed that she is in fact, in a very powerful position--a very enviable position. She posited that if 'they all' only knew, they wouldn't envy her. But empirically, the fact of the matter is, she IS in an enviable position regardless. I know because I've been there many times playing all the characters in her dilemma. And she just wants to move on. But I wish she would relish the powerful position she is in for a moment. For the moment that she's in it. It's temporary...and fleeting. That gave me some perspective because I feel anxious for the year to pass because for some reason, I have this illusion that things will suddenly change when the calendar reads 2012. I need to take stock because where I stand can also be an enviable position despite what I feel or think. Empirically, I am in a good place. Always have been.

In contemplating all this, I again pondered my position and all of 2011 where in every difficulty, I wished I were 'somewhere else'' rolling in greener grass than the one I stood on. That's when I realized that my old reliable yard is totally mine. I own it. It's been here for many winters and dry summers. And many happy events when it provided soft grass for tumbling and somersaults, grilling and play and the place where 'everybody' wished they could be.

Sometimes, in the process of trying to make my grass be as green and lush as it can be, it needs help. Sometimes, you need to pile on the shit. Sometimes, the manure burns. Sometimes you need to aerate and sometimes you can trip on the holes. But in time, the grass gets green again. It's the old reliable. And I always know when it's time to fertilize. We sometimes wish for something that's different--perhaps a new adventure that can be stimulating and thrilling because the grass is greener on the other side when we're in the middle of fertilizing or when the loneliness of winter's cold burns the green out. But if I am patient, the grass I stand on will get greener than the other side. It's all in the way we stand on our grass....on our side of the fence.

Exceptions and . . . Spanish Verbs

Learning how to conjugate verbs in Spanish was difficult for me especially when I resisted learning the language of 'my oppressors' as a young, idealistic teenager growing up in Manila, Philippines. But when I received my mission call to serve in Spain (which was a welcome irony...) I resolved to learn to speak Castellano like a native-speaker. So I memorized a dozen verbs a day.

Growing up, I've always had the notion that I was exceptional. I would surmise that all people feel this way. It has to be so because we are all individuals. But I think that each one of us goes through some exceptional circumstances that require exceptional choices. How do you tackle exceptions especially when living in a culture of compliance---a culture that extols the following of rules and order? I learned the answer to this quandary by learning to conjugate Spanish verbs. And in learning to conjugate Spanish verbs, I also learned a few interesting parallels in life.

1. Most Spanish verbs follow the basic rules. But some verbs are exceptions and you must learn them.

The basic, non-threatening way to learn how to conjugate irregular verbs is by study and memorizing as many verbs as possible--regular or irregular. The more verbs you know, the better it is. Sometimes there are verbs that are regular that you can substitute for the harder, exceptional verbs. It's like casting a bigger net and it helps. Then there is also the little used art of listening. As you hear people speak, you pick up nuances and the more you hear, the more these exceptions become second-nature. So it's important to learn to engage others to speak...and share their opinions, their lives, their stories. It is enriching. And it carries very little risk to your person. Learning from listening to others is a worthy enterprise especially if you learn from articulate and beautiful speakers of the language. If you learn from the best speakers then your Spanish will also be just as beautifully spoken. And then lastly, some irregular verbs you just have to learn by stumbling. You may have memorized them but you may not always use them. And when the time comes, it may not come out right the first time because the first time you actually hear it used in real life is when you hear yourself say it. There is much risk in learning this way but learn you will. Such is life. And how it must be lived. We study, ponder and think. We learn from others by observation and meditation. And we learn from stumbling and erring.

 2. Learn the rules and the exceptions will take care of themselves.

Learning the exceptions always require an aside-- as though learning the exceptions require a detour in the normal course of the lesson. We must remain compliant until the time comes when we are faced with an event that requires a seemingly exceptional choice.

3. Even the irregular verbs follow their own rules or patterns of conjugation.

The irony behind this is that when faced with challenges, these exceptional challenges are exceptional only because they are ours. But the principles by which we withstand the winds of adversity are eternal and constant.

Adversity sometimes comes in subtle disguises. What we may think is a life free from serious adversity is in and of itself, an exceptional challenge. Sometimes we think that we want to free ourselves from the banal--the ordinary, the easy and expected because what is on the other side is more exciting. Or sometimes we become blinded by the shiny and new--the unknown journey or even the unseen dangers that may prove to be the thrill itself; when what we deem ordinary and consistently predictable is the exceptional choice that carries with it the extraordinary life that we've always longed for. Beware. Even the exceptional has rules.

4. It is interesting that the verbs of being, possession and knowing are the irregular verbs that require exceptions to the rules of conjugation.

To be, to have, to know---these are the verbs of exception. And yet these are also the verbs that we invariably use in just about every concept and thought. It is inevitable that we use them. And yet, they are the ones that we have to learn to conjugate outside the rules. And the ones that defy the rules. I find that intriguing--especially when whatever principle of intelligence (to know) we attain in this life is what will determine what we become and what we will have. (D&C 130:18)

All things follow their just order. And in order to become exceptional people, we must remain steadfast and true to the principles that are constant and true. The exception actually comes from living the rules.