I've been getting the house decorated for Christmas now since Monday... and it's Friday afternoon. I'm exhausted. I still have the vacuum cleaner and mop in the kitchen and one last load of wash but I just needed to sit down and compose myself. It's been a long week.
It hasn't been fun decorating the tree at all. I do it alone. No kids jumping and playing around. Just quiet. And the ornaments are well distributed...as opposed to bottom heavy when I had little elfin darlings anxious to decorate and I'd hear "mom!" from every direction and from each of my four attention-hungry kids. I miss those precious times. It seems like a hundred years ago.
During moments like this, when I am alone to ponder my thoughts, I think about the future and the past. I have been a full-time mother since my first child was born. He is now 24 years old. Growing up in the Philippines, I was imbued with the notion that in order to be a 'success' and for my parents to be proud of me, I needed to have a worthwhile career and education was paramount in achieving this goal. My parents worked hard and sacrificed much so that I could attend a private school from kindergarten to seventh grade. The result of my desire to achieve was the acquisition of the prized reward: to be a national science scholar, to be paid by the government to study in the creme de la creme of exclusive schools: the Philippine Science High School. And I am humbled and grateful to have that blessing in my life: the gift of the most exclusive, intensive education. The unexpected prize of that privilege was to 'grow up' with over a hundred others who, not surprising to me, were my superiors in many ways. And these wonderful young friends still sustain my well-being to this day, inspiring and elevating me throughout my life. I attended the University of the Philippines and then Brigham Young University in Hawaii. By now, I should have reached the pinnacle of success in career and social circles.
But I am a mom.
And so, after nearly 26 years of marriage to my college sweetheart and four children later, I sit here pondering my future. My last baby, who is 17, will be attending college in the fall and thus, I will have no more children to 'mother' at home. I will be free to pursue my life's ambitions. I can continue on and become what I always want to be. There are so many things I can do and achieve still. I can 'rebuild' what was snatched from my hands when I became a mom. Now I can be free to really be a 'success'. Perhaps I can pursue that elusive career that I've dreamed of having. Perhaps now I can amass my fortune and become a woman of means. I can finally say: I am an artist. Or, "I run a law office". Or, "I am a writer". Or a teacher. Or whatever else sounds impressive. I don't have to say, "oh, I'm a stay-at-home mom" and wear an apron all day.
My friends ask me all the time what my plans are when Hannah goes to college. I give them a litany of dreams and secret desires that I wish to pursue: go back to college, pursue a graduate degree, learn to paint, go on study-abroad trips to exotic places, start a business, master web design and graphic arts, be an artist, finish that book, compile my musical arrangements into a book....yada, yada. Yes, I can do all that. And well.
But I've discovered what my life's ambition really is. Here's the revelation: I'm in it! I'm doing it! I am doing EXACTLY what I want. I've been doing exactly what I ambitioned in my heart of hearts. I've raised a fine bunch of children: self-assured, confident, intelligent people who know how to live within themselves. Most of all, they are kind, loving and generous individuals. And I am partner to the most wonderful man in the world...one who loves me deeply and completely. Yes, all along, I've been living the life that I really wanted. I am what I want to be when I grow up.
The rest is just gravy.
It hasn't been fun decorating the tree at all. I do it alone. No kids jumping and playing around. Just quiet. And the ornaments are well distributed...as opposed to bottom heavy when I had little elfin darlings anxious to decorate and I'd hear "mom!" from every direction and from each of my four attention-hungry kids. I miss those precious times. It seems like a hundred years ago.
During moments like this, when I am alone to ponder my thoughts, I think about the future and the past. I have been a full-time mother since my first child was born. He is now 24 years old. Growing up in the Philippines, I was imbued with the notion that in order to be a 'success' and for my parents to be proud of me, I needed to have a worthwhile career and education was paramount in achieving this goal. My parents worked hard and sacrificed much so that I could attend a private school from kindergarten to seventh grade. The result of my desire to achieve was the acquisition of the prized reward: to be a national science scholar, to be paid by the government to study in the creme de la creme of exclusive schools: the Philippine Science High School. And I am humbled and grateful to have that blessing in my life: the gift of the most exclusive, intensive education. The unexpected prize of that privilege was to 'grow up' with over a hundred others who, not surprising to me, were my superiors in many ways. And these wonderful young friends still sustain my well-being to this day, inspiring and elevating me throughout my life. I attended the University of the Philippines and then Brigham Young University in Hawaii. By now, I should have reached the pinnacle of success in career and social circles.
But I am a mom.
And so, after nearly 26 years of marriage to my college sweetheart and four children later, I sit here pondering my future. My last baby, who is 17, will be attending college in the fall and thus, I will have no more children to 'mother' at home. I will be free to pursue my life's ambitions. I can continue on and become what I always want to be. There are so many things I can do and achieve still. I can 'rebuild' what was snatched from my hands when I became a mom. Now I can be free to really be a 'success'. Perhaps I can pursue that elusive career that I've dreamed of having. Perhaps now I can amass my fortune and become a woman of means. I can finally say: I am an artist. Or, "I run a law office". Or, "I am a writer". Or a teacher. Or whatever else sounds impressive. I don't have to say, "oh, I'm a stay-at-home mom" and wear an apron all day.
My friends ask me all the time what my plans are when Hannah goes to college. I give them a litany of dreams and secret desires that I wish to pursue: go back to college, pursue a graduate degree, learn to paint, go on study-abroad trips to exotic places, start a business, master web design and graphic arts, be an artist, finish that book, compile my musical arrangements into a book....yada, yada. Yes, I can do all that. And well.
But I've discovered what my life's ambition really is. Here's the revelation: I'm in it! I'm doing it! I am doing EXACTLY what I want. I've been doing exactly what I ambitioned in my heart of hearts. I've raised a fine bunch of children: self-assured, confident, intelligent people who know how to live within themselves. Most of all, they are kind, loving and generous individuals. And I am partner to the most wonderful man in the world...one who loves me deeply and completely. Yes, all along, I've been living the life that I really wanted. I am what I want to be when I grow up.
The rest is just gravy.
