The pictures above tell a story. The first photo was taken in June of 2010. I weighed about 172 lbs. When I saw this photo, I was taken aback because of how terrible I looked. First of all, my eyes were not clear. In fact, they were yellow and red. My face looked inflamed. My colour was bad...like the light in my face was dim. I noticed a few things about my health during this time. I had constant pains in my lower left flank. I thought that perhaps that I had something wrong with my kidneys. I remember spending a weekend at my friend's house in Danville, CA and going to the bathroom every half hour. I thought that was strange. But I was also often thirsty so I drank constantly. I also noticed that my thinking seemed muddy and my eyesight was failing. Nevertheless, I didn't want to address these symptoms because I was afraid...and in denial.
Weeks later, I would be hospitalized for five days and diagnosed with diabetes with very high A1C levels meaning I had a high percentage of glucose attached to my red blood cells....so high that my doctor put me in the hospital to prevent diabetic ketoacidosis. Then I had to learn to give myself Lantus--insulin shots on my belly and thighs every night. It was the scariest, most traumatic experience of my life in terms of my health. I felt like my body betrayed me.
I've now lost over 20 pounds and have been taken off insulin. All my readings are now well controlled. And I am 15 lbs away from my realistic weight goal of 135. But I had no idea that these changes I've made would be difficult and fraught with huge challenges.
I was paralyzed by the reactions of some of my friends who thought that I am now obsessed with my looks...that I've been submitting to some cosmetic procedures...that I'm being hoodwinked by doctors...that I have a poor body image...that I've turned into a shallow person....that I'm an idiot. There have been comments made behind my back.
I have to admit that losing weight has been liberating. It made me feel empowered that I can wear clothes that I couldn't wear before. And the excitement about clothes that I couldn't wear before is intoxicating. I seriously enjoyed shopping and seeing how good the clothes hang on me. Is this self-indulgent? Is this arrogant and self-centered behaviour? Honestly, I don't have time to analyze my joy because..well, it's a natural consequence of the hard work involved in getting healthy! Who analyzes excitement anyway?
What really is throwing me for a loop is all the old emotions that have risen to the surface. How I wince when I get 'looks' from people. The obvious reaction of some friends who somehow feel threatened or think I've changed. I mean, I hope I HAVE changed. For the better! Am I not allowed to do that?
Being fat was less complicated. No one felt threatened. And more people felt superior. I found this to be simple. I mean, I can be intimidating because I'm smart. And I have some talent. But to be fat gives others permission to feel superior.
Or being fat was also very comforting for me. I didn't have to deal. With my traumatic history of abuse and victimization, being fat meant that no one can have carnal thoughts about me...like when I was young. But now losing all that weight is confusing especially when I receive compliments. It's scary to me. So I tell myself that realistically, I am no longer nubile---far from it---at 55 years old. I am now a grandma. But feelings still rise to the surface and I feel panic rising despite logic and reality.
It's all too complicated. All I wanted was to lower my A1C so I don't have to take insulin and get my blood pressure in control. And now I feel like sabotaging everything. FAT WAS SO MUCH EASIER. But I want to live. And live well. God help me.
