Friday, February 27, 2009


Co-winky-dink?

Einstein has allegedly been quoted to say that coincidence is what God does to remain anonymous...or something like that. Since I just heard a television character say this, I cannot vouch for its veracity. Either he was drunk or joking but I cannot imagine him saying this with any measurable preponderance because it would first preclude that God wants to be anonymous....which in my estimation would negate His desire to even be. I don't mean to be so philosophical in such a pedestrian sort of way. So let's get on with my usual banalities.

I am one of those people who, upon experiencing a cosmic synchronicity, can dig meaning into it and then add it to my growing list of signs and markers that led to events in my life---some great and some small. Yeah. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe they are REAL signs and markers. I agree. It's fatalistic. But they are MY coincidences and the meanings are only significant to me and only me. No one else owns them.

Take for example, my husband's middle name which has been the source of vapid teasing because instead of a name, he has a letter. An initial. No one really knows what it means. His siblings all have proper middle names but only he has a letter. It's the letter C. I can sort of...feel for him but I say that it's a sign. Oh yeah. My name does not begin with the letter "K" as most Kristi's do. But yeah, my name starts with a "C". Now his name is complete because he has me. Is that a coincidence? Could be. But not to me. Now that coincidence has meaning and it's a cosmic synchronicity.

Even our birthdays have meaning as I see it. My husband was born in March, the same month and year as my sister---my ONLY sibling. Is it a coincidence that the only sibling who will journey through life with me as my only link to the same parents would be born the same time as the one who will complete me...who will be my eternal companion? The meaning is huge to me. It's cosmic synchronicity.

My husband and I met while students at BYU-Hawaii. He didn't even know about BYU-Hawaii until after his mission and he happened upon some brochures about it. It intrigued him. It felt good to him. And with nary a tangible reason other than a hunch, he took off from Pleasant Grove, Utah to attend BYU-Hawaii in Laie. He arrived there in the winter of 1979. I had barely left the previous fall of 1978 to serve a full-time mission for the LDS church missing him by a mere 4 months. While he was getting acclimatized to the culture of the islands, I was back in Europe where he had just served. By the time I returned, he was ready for me. Coincidence? Nah. Cosmic synchronicity. No Filipino national had ever been called to serve a mission in Europe. I was the first. Ever.

How about this---when my husband's parents decided to go on a mission, years after we were married, where do you think God would send them? Of course! To the Philippines! I am the only in-law who is NOT American. A foreigner. Culturally SO different. Ethnically different. Racially....I am of the 'well-done' variety who married someone of the "Not-Quite-Cooked" variety. (Laugh track please...) But it isn't a coincidence that the Lord would send them to my homeland. It was an opportunity for them to get to know my culture, my heritage, my language, my music....everything that should bring us closer together and perhaps give meaning and more joy to their posterity through my lineage. It would have been a great opportunity for ALL his family members to do so....to dig in and find the divine in our union--in the union of two countries. I don't know if that happened..in fact, I'm SURE it didn't. There were definitely many missed opportunities there. But it could have. And that's another blog and I digress. But it's NO coincidence. It was the hand of God. A cosmic synchronicity whose magnificent, profound and far-reaching meaning is visible only to me. Sadly.

There's plenty more to list but let me just end with a whopper of all coincidences: The day we got married, the Fauxes borrowed some chairs from the chapel to use for the reception which was going to be held in their backyard. My parents had flown straight from Manila, Philippines for this occasion. As we walked along the beautiful flowery paths, my father stopped short and exclaimed, "Manilla Ward?" Behind the folding chairs were stenciled these words. Oh yeah. My husband practically grew up in a small community in Pleasant Grove, Utah specifically called Manilla...yeah, named after Manila, Philippines. (Spelled incorrectly of course...but what do you expect from PG?) We were both from Manila but from different sides of the world. True story.

Coincidence? Nah. Cosmic. Synchronicity.

There are NO coincidences. All things are in order. All good things are brought together in perfect harmony.


Thursday, February 26, 2009




I AM SICK

The picture above best describes how I feel today. I am exhausted. Spent. I have bacterial infection of the inner ear AND a viral infection (gastro-enteritis) plus...well, exhaustion. Not to mention a fever of 102.

It feels as though some unseen power just took all my energy and left me with very little. I've been sick since Tuesday morning. It's Thurs and I'm feeling well enough to...obviously, blog. Today is the first day that I woke up without a fever. Or at least, I don't feel like I have one.

It's so miserable to be sick alone at home. But then yesterday, Kurt brought Kay and Cathy over to have lunch with me. But I didn't have the energy to even talk to anyone. So I didn't leave my bedroom. Though I longed for company, having company...or even the mere thought of having company, made me exhausted to just think about the motions. So that made me even more miserable.

I don't even have the energy to talk on the phone because I don't have the energy to keep a conversation going. I feel like I have to make people who call me feel better and that involves expending energy which I don't have right now.

I have to pace myself and think about how I am logistically going to walk to the bathroom because I don't even have the energy to turn over. It sucks.

So I am going to end here coz I am exhausted thinking.

Off to bed. Again. Sigh.

Misery.

******

Update: What I had was severe depression. After weeks of hypomanic activities--no sleep, racing thoughts, several ambitious projects started and physical activities, I finally reached the breaking point. So I fell into depression that affected me physically. I was literally paralyzed with exhaustion and desperation. Suicidal thoughts. Overwhelming feelings of uselessness. To date, the projects I started will be added to more unfinished projects. The list grows. Falling into these funks really take toll. However, I can't wait until the next hypomanic event. I need one right now.