54 and counting....down!

It's my birthday today....and just now, I took a shot of me on the morning of the first day of my 54th year on earth! Feels good to be alive actually.

Resolutions: be more bold about life.

Now...on to breakfast.

Us and Them and Other Things That Separate

Many times it seems that I think I know of things that are certain and as life passes, I realize how ignorantly discriminating I am about these same truths when they seem to betray me.

I've always known that for my marriage to work, my husband has to be the most important person in the world to me. That is also true for him regarding me. And that is what has made our marriage joyful and whole. Now that I have married children, I see that truth from a different angle.

As mother to two remarkable sons, it was clearly manifested to me that that same truth must apply to my sons and their wives. Their wives must always come first, their allegiance to them has to be without question and yes, their mothers must take a more ancillary role in their lives. These truths have always lived in the back of my head until they had to be applied. And it is when you are ill-prepared and trapped in the narcissistic disposition of being the center and life-giving role of "mother" that these truths begin to seemingly betray you with a fierceness that sometimes cannot be tamed.

My first experience with 'another woman' came all too quickly. Without much warning, my son fell inlove with a beautiful young woman whilst attending BYU. I watched him as he hopelessly fell in love with her and I can still remember that moment when it suddenly occurred to me that his happiness depended on having her in his life. When that happens, love takes over and all I wanted was for him to be happy. With her.

And yet, I was ill-prepared for the overwhelming emotions that surged through me like a sudden flood. I felt discarded, minimalized and yes, even somewhat betrayed. No one prepared me for these feelings to emerge. It was confusing and overwhelming. On top of having these feelings, I also felt great guilt that I even had them. Depression sets in. Confusion arises. And then comes the next tidal wave: an unforeseen need to fight to regain and defend your turf; to rebuild your own importance; to be indispensable. And to be honest, you find yourself wanting to exercise power and control in a situation where you feel like you are powerless and redundant. You know your sons must love their wives with the same devotion that you require from your husband. And yet, that narcissistic quality of being the one who devoted her life to the raising of children sometimes require of their children that same devotion to their mothers. It is that phenomenon that causes our vision varying degrees of myopia.

Finding myself drowning in these unexpected emotions, I made it a matter for pondering and much prayer. That's when I realized the subleties and consequently, how dangerous these feelings are.

The first defense that mothers like me use to feel control is what I term the mindset of 'us and them'. The manifestations of this dangerous model of thought are subtle. An invisible line is drawn between 'our family' and 'their family'; "their side" and "our side". And that mindset becomes even more acute during the holidays. Any holiday. Or long weekends. We battle for our 'right' to be with our children and grandchildren. We play tit for tat with their time and attention. Then it can escalate perhaps to just little 'observations' about our daughters-in-law: how they control our sons and always seem to "make him spend more time with her side than ours" and sometimes even "against his will". We feel suddenly, our sons are bewitched and cannot make their own decisions anymore because their wives control them and are alienating them from our affections. Or their wives make things difficult for them to manifest their love for us by making sure they don't spend as much time with 'us' and more time with 'them'. Soon this scenario spreads to younger siblings and they start repeating our grievances. Years pass and relationships become strained. The insidious part is that we don't even know how that happened. We just cannot see our contribution to that end because that same narcissistic quality blinds us from reality and truth. Ironically, these thoughts betray our children because obviously, it implies that they neither have the strength, integrity nor intelligence to be co-partners with their spouses. Thus, our own venom haplessly demonstrates our own failings as parents!

Furthermore, I am living the end result of this insidious model of thought which began as early as when I was a young married woman. For years I saw and heard the "us and them" phenomenon be born, expanded and finally escalate into bad feelings, strained relationships and finally, estrangements where siblings and families no longer have meaningful relationships with each other. It is the saddest thing I've had to witness.

With these thoughts, I was jarred into a new resolution. There will be no "us and them" in my family. There will be no enslaving of sons or daughters to our own agendas, selfish desires or longings. There must be an adjustment of thoughts. Gratitude must replace a mother's consuming need to be needed and to feel important. I know thoughts have energy and everything starts there. So I begin to formulate a new model of thought.

How about realizing that love can stretch out to unite families and loved ones? How about embracing the idea of gratitude that my daughters-in-law have parents and families who love them and who are perfectly capable of loving my sons and daughters? And grandchildren? When this thought becomes sharp and acute, you can only feel love for them also. You begin to love their children because you want them to love yours. Love has to spread its embrace outwards instead of reeling others into a tight, exclusive strangle. Family has to be redefined and be re-imagined as a network of families all loving your children, their spouses and your grandchildren. We are all knitted together like a warm, secure blanket that you love to keep around you. The "togetherness" that comes from control, demands and expectations is like a dark cloak full of insecurity, stress and fear. There is no togetherness--just obligations.

This Christmas, my sons will not be with us on Christmas day. That is a first. But I neither have sadness nor ill-will about that. In my mind, I see them with their wives and their families being loved and feeling joy. And why does Christmas have to be on the 25th? It's not even Jesus' true birthday! My Christmas will be every single time my family is together.

My heart is so full because both of my beautiful daughters-in-law love my sons so perfectly well. And their families adore my sons. How can I fault them for that? On the 27th, all my children and their families will be with me. And I can't hardly wait.

Love can stretch as far as we are willing to love. Families extend all the way back from the beginning and far out into the future. And if one can see clearly, families also stretch sideways. We are all linked together...heirs to the kingdom of a God who grants us joy if we but align our will to his. In his family, there is no 'us and them'.

This is the model of thought that I want to bequeath my children. I hope I can accomplish it because the wonderful memories that are borne out of it is all that I can take with me. I have the strong conviction that the benefits that spring from this will serve the forthcoming generations well and can enrich and enlarge their lives. That is my desire.