My Hawaii

The week after I turned 19, I flew in a jetplane for the first time in my life. I was going to Honolulu, Hawaii to attend the Brigham Young University-Hawaii Campus on the North shore of Oahu. I left in the middle of my fourth semester of college at the University of the Philippines, certain that my iconoclastic academic experience was over and bitter that I had to attend a small liberal arts college miles away from the city.

I knew several Filipinos who were attending the college from church but not enough to feel confident that they would help me out. Most of all, I was afraid of every contingency that my imagination could conjure up. 

I will never forget the feeling I had after the plane landed in Honolulu. And that smell. It was clean, crisp and wonderful. There was a cool January breeze. Though I felt so alone and lost, I suddenly felt the excitement of adventure. That was the winter of 1975. I left Hawaii permanently in December of 1982.

One thing I can state for sure: I feel that Hawaii is my "home" because it was there that I became "me". I think it was because I had no recourse but to completely immerse myself in the culture of Polynesia. Those opportunities came in the form of being part of the university's performing group, Showcase Hawaii, the Polynesian Dance Ensemble and working at the Polynesian Cultural Center as a guide. I was the only Filipino who worked as a guide during my first year there but that opened up that possibility for others. Another discovery I made is that while I had a handful of Filipino friends, they were not the only ones I hung around with. In fact, I couldn't relate to most of them and conversely, most of them couldn't relate to me at all. So, I found kindred spirits---most of whom came from many countries of the world. Later, I set my sights towards joining the Hui Alii Club---the Hawaiian club. No Philippine-born student had ever joined it before. During those days, it was just more exclusive. I accomplished that after my first year. The highlight of that was the sublime opportunity to get asked to join the group that would perform an ancient Hawaiian hula at the Rainbow bowl during a half-time game between the U of Hawaii and BYU. THat's when I felt totally immersed--and totally 'local'---thanks to some wonderful Hawaiian friends who accepted me with so much aloha.

There are other 'successes' that I'm proud to have made. But the biggest success was not that the locals accepted me, it was an unexpected one: I totally fell inlove with everything Hawaiian----and I truly began to feel a deep reverence and appreciation for their culture, history and art. And that love spilled into other Polynesian cultures. So, my friends may come and go, and my knees can no longer bend as easily and fluidly doing the uwehe or the tamure, but my love for the islands can never be taken away because it is deep, genuine and sincere. I discovered that for all intents and purposes, I did not change the world around me at all. I changed me. I become the me that I like. I became a new creature. It was only in my heart that changes can be made....and the rest will simply fall into its rightful, peaceful place.

And I can use this same principle anywhere. This was my discovery. My clarity. Last week, I went back to spend 5 days with some friends. It was sheer joy. Everytime I go back, I feel invigorated....and 'found'. There is a calmness that comes to me when I am there that I do not feel anywhere else...not even in my own country of birth. I feel like I belong there and I do not know why. I get to go back at the end of October, this time, with my Kurt. So I am happily looking forward---


PHOTO ABOVE: I am seated in between a Hawaiian village guide and Mom Mahelona--- a wonderful, loving, generous woman of Hawaiian heritage whose son served a mission in the Philippines. This was taken a year after I arrived in Hawaii.

Do Parents Have Favourites?

Lately, I've been thinking about this question: Do parents have favorites? The Bible is replete with stories of parents with favorites. Jacob (Israel) favored Joseph. Isaac favored Jacob over Esau. Even God favored Abel over Cain. Does God play favorites? I think he loves us all the same. With others, he may be disappointed because of the choices that they make. But I am not talking about children who misbehave. I am merely musing about parents who favor a certain child regardless.

Growing up, I never felt that my parents played favorites. I guess it never mattered to me one way or the other. Or perhaps because they simply treated us the same. I'd like to think that they loved us equally...and fairly. Then again, I DO have a favourite child. Well, my favourite child is the one who doesn't give me much trouble and is always kind and loving to me--the one who offers me no challenges....at the moment. That changes. But then again, the child who has my attention is the one I worry about the most--the one who is having challenges. So it would also stand to reason that that child would be the favourite right? Whoever gets the most attention and stress? The one I worry about day and night? What the heck does a favourite child look like anyway? 

I am not questioning whether parents love one child more than the other. I am merely thinking that perhaps some parents SHOW their affection easily with some more than others. One thing I do know, a child always needs to feel that they are loved.

I can honestly say that I don't have a favorite child. Sure, there are a couple of children who seem to be more like me. And others communicate better than others. Others are my opposite but complement me so that I feel safe and assured with them. Each one is an individual and each one needs something different at any given time. Some are more sensitive than others. Some demand more attention than others. The safe explanation is that I love them ALL the same but treat each one of them differently. Of course, each one is a different individual. And as a parent, I have to be mindful that sometimes, those who seem distant are the ones who really need me. Here are some common sense rules that I've discovered that MUST be followed to achieve harmony among the children---

1, Never speak ill of any child. NEVER EVER EVER. It is a destructive force when parents make thoughtless comments about one sibling for another sibling to hear. It spawns divisiveness. It destroys. It sabotages.

2. NEVER compare a child over another. This is just common sense. Conversely, be very careful when you thoughtlessly gush about one of your children to another. While it is a good thing to talk about how wonderful things are going with your child's sibling, it is paramount to your child to give him/her the blessing of YOUR time together---be interested in his/her life. When you are talking to one of your children one on one, he/she needs to be the center of your attention----he or she needs to be the most important child during his/her time with you. It just doesn't make sense when for instance, one of your children call you and you prattle continuously about how wonderful his/her other siblings are and then you've completely forgotten to ask how he/she is doing or taken an interest in her/his life. That just sucks. Be interested in ALL your children especially the one you're with. Ask them about their life, their week, their work.....

3. NEVER entertain gossip. Do not let a sibling speak ill about another. Gossip creates chasms. ANd it is a bad habit that becomes an entertaining sport among family members. It sometimes becomes a pastime---a common bond between family members---when they sit together and gripe, gossip, complain and find fault among each other. In due time, no one will know how to have a conversation without these elements. And then feuds begin...where no one will ever remember how they started.

4. NEVER EVER gossip or speak ill about an in-law. It reeks. It is rank. It is just pure evil.

5. Encourage each other to help one another. Encourage kindness, gentleness, support by using words and phrases that convey appreciation. Here are words that build and show love: Thank you. Please. Tell me about it. I'm interested in what you have to say. What do you think about...? I am so proud of you. Sit with me and tell me about your week..

6. Always have healthy, frank discussions about your concerns and learn to convey these in a way that is not critical, demeaning or adversarial.

7. Apologize quickly when you've said a boo-boo. You'll know it. You'll feel it when you've said something in a thoughtless, insensitive manner. Apologize as quickly as possible.

8. NEVER EVER demean, criticize or discredit an in-law. To do so would be severing the ties that bind you to your children. LOVE them as you would your own children. Unconditionally. They may be imperfect but your child chose them...loves them. Never underestimate that.

9. And here's the most important rule of all: remember that you cannot control other peoples' behavior. You can only control YOUR behavior. You alone can affect how others treat you by the way you behave. There is great POWER in this concept.

10. Trust in your children's ability to govern themselves wisely, While there may be extenuating circumstances that will require some intervention, if you've done your part, you just need to watch them make their own decisions and make sure that they know they have YOUR support.

It's past midnight again and my thinking is a bit muddy. I must get some sleep....