Very Limited Treasures From Home

Why yes, that's an Alexander McQueen scarf that I'm wearing!

I left my country in January of 1975. And though I wasn't sure I really wanted to leave, inside me, I felt a certainty that I would never again come back as a full-time resident of my home country. I didn't know how that was going to happen but happen it did. 

I have some pleasant memories of my country....very happy ones. Every time I look back, I long for my home though I know it doesn't exist anymore. Logistically, it's not easy to bring back parts of my home--not cheap either. So every time I had a chance, I would take a few items here and there to remind me of my home. My mother and aunts would also later bring me some of these treasures. 

So.

To memorialize these small items, I am going to run a little inventory just in case something happens to me and before people start dumping my things into boxes to give away to Goodwill. Here are some of the things that mean a lot to me and I think they should be passed on and distributed to all those who feel an affinity for their Filipino mother, grandmother or whatever. These are the things that came from my home in Manila and later, in Quezon City. Some belong to my grandmother.

Above is a green depression glass juicer and measuring cup. It was produced in the 1930s and belonged to my maternal grandmother, Leonora Espiritu Veloira from the town of Caingin, the provice of Bulacan in Central Luzon. She kept this in her kitchen in a glass cabinet. She had other depression glass pieces but this and a butter dish cover are all I have. This piece is obviously over 80 years old. The glass will glow or fluoresce in black light because it contains some uranium or iron. I love this set because it reminds me of those days visiting my "Inang" in her old Filipino-style house/hut.

Below is a picture taken in August of the mid-1930s in front of the steps that lead to the 'balconaje' or the front balcony of her old Filipino-style house made of wood, nipa leaves and bamboo. I loved this wonderful house. It is built on stilts and most of the rooms had bamboo slats for floors. This meant that air would flow from the floors and the big windows and doors. In the summer, the house would cool itself and one can feel the breeze when you slept on the floor on woven mats as we did. Those were good times. In this picture is Inang holding my Auntie Nieva. Then my Tatang (Saturnino Veloira) behind my mother in the printed dress and Auntie Edith. Check out the village children milling about behind--typical of Filipino culture when children hang around their favorite teacher. Inang was an elementary school teacher. Note my Tatang's patrician features which showed some of his Spanish blood and my Inang had more Chinese. That was why all their children had very light complexion with Nieva having freaky light brown eyes for a Filipino and curly, brown hair.

This butter cover is also from Inang's--pronounced 'ee-NUHNG (Filipino word of endearment for "mother"--'Ina' pronounced ee-NUH--accent on 2nd syllable) glass cabinet. The actual butter dish is lost but my Auntie Nieva found another to replace it in an estate sale in upstate New York where she lives. I love this piece too. Well, what don't I love? These are tangible pieces of my history! And knowing that at one time, my grandmother used these things makes me tender when I touch them and connects me to her. I would wish that my children and so forth will feel the same connection.

This beautiful porcelain covered bowl/casserole dish with 14k gold detail came from my house in Quezon City, Philippines but it originally belonged to Inang as well. She bought it from a famous department store in Manila in the late 20s. Or rather, my Tatang (endearment for "Tatay" or "Itay" meaning 'father') bought it for her. (Tatang is pronounced TAH-tung accent on first syllable....Tatay is pronounced TAH-tie or TAH-tahy accent on first.) This department store was, as the old Filipinos would say, 'very high class' and was opened in July of 1921.You can see the name on the bottom of the dish. LR Aguinaldo. (Pronounced ah-ghee-NAL-doh accent on the 3rd) The LR stands for Leopoldo R. who was the president of commerce in the 30s, a very prominent politician and businessman. This set is very, very rare and MUST be handled with care. You cannot place this in the microwave for example. I am going to post below the old street from whence it came. You can see the letters L.R. of L.R. Aguinaldo Stores on the side of the building. And then I will post the same street as it looks now.

The photo above is the street called Calle Anloague where the Aguinaldo store used to be. The term 'anloague' comes from the Tagalog word anluwagi which means carpenter. Anloague is obviously the Latinized version/spelling. This street was named thus because many of the carpenters who built the stores and houses lived here. The buildings were called "Bahay na Bato" or house made of stone. Later, this street would be known as Calle Juan Luna named after the great patriot of the 1800s who was also a great artist. The painting in our dining room of the Maria Clara with her suitor standing and flirting on the balcony is a replica of one of his famous paintings.  Below is the street as it now looks: the store is now a condo building. (Sob)

Well, I am getting a bit overwhelmed right now so I'm going to stop here. But I'll post more photos after a short break. (Laundry.)

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OK I'm back. Below is a photo of Ellen's old stamp collection album. It is falling apart. She probably hasn't seen it since the early 70s but when I went home a few decades back, I saw it and decided to take it back with me. Confession time: I really loved her collection perhaps more than she did and was so fascinated by it. I studied each stamp with a magnifying glass over and over and I think I looked at this album every day while I was home from high school and college. Here's my dreaded confession--my Tatang also had a stamp collection. One day, I stole some of his stamps that were duplicates or triplicates. I think I did that a few times. I don't know where his collection is now but in a way I'm glad I did that because now I have some of his stuff too.  I am posting a page or so below:

I really should find a new receptacle for these precious stamps!

Above and below are curious stamps. These are two of the ones I 'borrowed' from my grandfather. Note the redactions. I believe that these stamps were issued at least around 1935 when The Philippines was a commonweath of the US. Then at the time when these particular stamps were used, it was probably after 1945 when we (theoretically) became an independent republic. Hence the redaction to its politically acceptable form. I believe these stamps are very rare and valuable. Too bad they are not on the original envelopes or they would fetch a tidy sum.

Above is a photo of a poor Scottish terrier in glass. It's just a useless kind of thing. But I've had this as far back as I can remember. As a young child, I used to 'cure' this poor dog with mercurochrome. I loved painting it 'red' with the mercurochrome wand. No one probably knows what mercurochrome is but I am going to post a photo below:

Anyway, this glass dog brings back those childhood memories and I was actually surprised to find this little old friend still around the last time I went home. So off it went with me. And now it's got a little spot on my kitchen window. 

These two mother of pearls used to be displayed in our living room. They came from Maxine Grimm's pearl farm in the Philippines. I don't exactly know where. But they are very precious and remind me of how exotic and beautiful my country is. And yes, those are pearls.

These books which are incomplete sets belonged to my mother. She bought them from a missionary who was about to be released. I remember how happy she was when she got these. My mom read a lot. And she couldn't read enough books about the LDS church so when she bought these, we all felt her excitement. Although they are incomplete, these volumes are no longer in print. They are rather interesting to read and may contain some things that are hard to explain. I believe they are now referred to as "folk-doctrine". I find that to be inflammatory but I guess it's a very plain and simplistic way to explain modern revelation and the spiritual maturation of our early leaders. I won't go into any filibustering about my thoughts on this but I will in another forum. This doesn't shake me up in any way but rather, it gives me a fuller, more vivid and lateral vista of how God dispenses knowledge, understanding, clarification and light to all those who seek it. For the most part personal revelation can only be communicated in a spiritual way. And to try and articulate concepts that are beyond the scope of our understanding requires more than just words to encapsulate them. Another time.

These tomes did not come from my old house. BUT they are valuable to me and represent some of the magazines that we received.  Note the years of issues of these magazines. In the 1964 volume, there is a very nice article about the church in the Philippines with pictures of my friends from Primary. 1965 is the year our family was baptized into the church. These magazines represent the first early months of membership. The Relief Society magazine was very dear to me because I read and re-read them and gazed at the covers which showed beautiful scenes from Utah. I thought Utah was just beautiful and longed to someday see it. I was all of 9 years old and I enjoyed this magazine more than the Improvement Era or The Friend. 

This handpainted plate used to hang on the wall of our dining room in our house in Quezon City. I don't know where it came from but my mom loved it so much that when she left the Philippines to live here permanently, she brought it with her. So now I have it and it is displayed in our family room. It reminds me of all the great meals we had around our beautiful mother-of-pearl inlaid hand-carved mahogany dining room table that unfortunately, we could not bring to the US. All the chairs were hand-caned on the seats and backrests. And it had a beautiful lazy susan with beautiful mother-of-pearl inlaid floral patterns. Ahhh..... That was when we had at least 2 maid who cooked and cleaned after us. Our meals were always wonderful and hot. And in the afternoons, it was not unusual to have many friends from church and work milling around for food and refreshments. Those were idyllic times when friendships were not so complicated like here in the US.

Well, I am going to take another break and maybe have some dinner.

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The scarf below belongs to Inang as well. It doesn't look like it's in very good condition. But it's very intricate and made of fine silk. DO NOT try to use an iron to smooth the wrinkles as the silk will burn and melt. Place a pillowcase or kitchen towel over it to iron with medium heat. The workmanship is very delicate and the tassels are handmade. It's very special. The next picture shows in beautiful calligraphy, the name of my maternal grandmother, Leonora which was especially hand printed for her. It's a very beautiful name, I think.

The book below by Spencer W. Kimball is pretty worn but it has a rare treasure on the fly leaf.

This book was personally handed to my parents by the prophet himself during a visit to the Philippines. Below is what he wrote on the fly leaf of the book. Enrique and Priscila de Rama are of course, my parents. Papa Dick as my Papa is known by my sons, died in December of 1989 when Hannah was just over 8 months old. We were in Fremont, California in their home when he passed. He had been in hospice care for just a  couple of weeks and just about 4 months after he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He knew we were all around him. When we sat just a few steps away from his bed, we were playing a board game. And then Ellen looked at him and he was no longer breathing. He slipped away when while we were having fun. That is so typical of him. I still miss him to this very day and get all tender at the memories that I have... or choose to remember. He was so talented and kind. I wish he had the chance to see my children grow up. But then again, it was necessary for him to pass.

Error Blindness

I was once asked by a friend if I had ever questioned if God loves me. Or why God allowed some of the most traumatic and horrific events to happen in my life. I was stunned by the question. Not because it was a bad question but because it never occurred to me to ask that question. Even when bad things were happening to me, that question never popped in my head. When my father beat me and I had welts from the buckle of his leather belt on my bottom, I never asked God why He let this happen to me. When my pedophile uncle abused me as a young child over and over, I never asked God why He didn't protect me. When I was assaulted by a church leader, I never asked God why his servant would hurt and abuse me. When my sister and I were alone late into the night with no food, I never asked God why He allowed us to be hungry. And during many times when I was alone, scared and feeling helpless, I never asked God if He really loved me. There were many other unspeakable events that happened to me such that I should be bitter, angry or lost. But I never once questioned God. In all these events, I consistently knew without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me and that He was with me even during those times when I was being hurt, afraid or alone. Specifically, I knew that Jesus was my companion and that He was always with me. Instead of questioning, I simply imagined that He was with me. Hugging me. Telling me that everything was going to be alright.

There are questions that simply must not be asked. Because we  already know the answer. Because we SHOULD already know.

But I will say that while I never asked those questions about God, I did have many questions and doubts about myself. And I had many, many erroneous ideas about my worth. Even in my 56th year of life on earth, I am still discovering many of these errors and as I assess my life, I try to correct them as I see them. Or as the Lord allows me to discover them.

When I was asked this question, I began to ponder many things about my past...and the old Christie. The child in me. The young teenager in me. The young woman in me. In the past, I did not realize how much this little child needed to be understood and accepted. Now I realize that I must take care of her. And as I look back and see her in my mind, I am in awe of her. How she survived and made a life for herself is nothing short of amazing. And that her faith in a God who loves her is unwavering. She believes that God loves her. She believes in the new and restored gospel. She understands the frailties of men....that though they may be unjust, there is forgiveness and peace in staying the course and being faithful in His restored church. I can see forward and can even see ahead and far off. But now I must also reach out behind me and embrace this little girl who was me and tell her that she has done well. That she waited long enough.

There are questions that should not be asked. Many times, the questions that we ask reveal the foundation of our beliefs. Often, the questions we ask reveal a blindness...error blindness. This is what scares me.

Error blindness is being STUCK in a feeling of righteousness with no internal cues to tell us that we are wrong. When our INTERNAL SENSE OF RIGHTNESS clashes with external realities, we begin to have serious problems and we start asking questions that should not be asked. This creates a HUGE practical problem. How does one 'snap out of it'? I believe the answer lies in the questions that we ask. Because if our foundation is based on truth, then the questions we ask will simply underscore the principles that are eternal in nature. 

There are common beliefs based on errors that sound true but have no basis in truth. One is that happiness is attached to a thing, a place, an event or a person. As a young child I often dreamed that one day, a handsome prince from America will find me, save me and take me away to a far away place where he can protect me and make me happy. MAKE ME HAPPY. It took decades to realize that happiness or rather, happiness that can be SUSTAINED is a decision that I make myself. It is not incumbent upon a person, place, thing(s) or event. Happiness is a decision. Let me just repeat that: HAPPINESS IS A DECISION. Often we hear ourselves say..."I will be happy as soon as...." You can just fill in the blanks. Happiness must happen NOW. It must be decided NOW. 

Another belief that I held on to was the strong conviction that God sent me here on earth for a specific, special and unique purpose. I had small delusions that I would 'save' or help many people...perhaps a bit of a saviour complex. Little did I realize that every person feels this way in varying degrees. But as I got older, I realized that my 'delusions' or dreams or daydreams were merely just that. Indeed we are all here to do something extraordinary and to fill the measure of our potential.  What we don't realize is that we get to build our lives day by day as we live it--the potential needs to be met right NOW or we continue to miss the mark. Or shoot PAST the mark. 

We have been warned about this many times in the scriptures. False pride is the biggest stumbling block to fulfilling our potential and frequently becomes a digression-- a diversion from the path we must take. There will be times in our lives for example, when we focus so much on our baggage, our insecurities and pain that we make decisions that are quick remedies and fixes that may in turn confuse us or derail us instead of learning patience to 'continue as we commenced' until we reach the point where we can realize that our challenges were in fact our blessings. Focusing on pain and hurt deny us the clarity of gratitude. We must learn to assess our circumstances and use eternal principles to see clearly.

Another error blindness happens when it seems to us that good fortune just falls on our lap magically. Then when the time comes for us to make decisions for ourselves, we sit and wait until God can give us an answer...or until something wonderful falls on our laps. This reminds me of the story of Mahonri Moriancumr who, having been given so much information as to the dimensions, number, details of ship building when he had no experience in such things began to get cocky in the end when he asked how to light the barges. The Lord in essence said to him: OK. I've given you everything....tools, dimensions, materials, etc...what do you want me to do? It wasn't that God didn't have any idea what to do. Jared's brother simply had to use his mind and figure it out. This is what I think we are told to do. God gives us a good mind, education, opportunity...even birthright and all we need to do is use them to build his kingdom. He wants us to make decisions....to learn...to exercise faith. Though it's hard to find the equilibrium point on the tension between waiting for inspiration and being resourceful, the rule I'd like to follow is this: Do everything you can asking for help and guidance as you use your own steam and resources to generate good deeds and the Lord will do the rest. If you're mistaken, He'll divert your path. If you're stumped, He'll give you instructions WHILE you're working. But not doing anything is a decision in itself. We just can't assume the attitude that "things will work out" and then fiddle around being unhappy. The truth of the matter is, "everything will work out" means "I don't want to make a decision....I'll just wait until the decision is made for me". If we take that kind of cocky attitude, we will never know our true potential.

More than anything, we need to understand what our unique ordination is. Or foreordination. That's clear to me. To return to Him under the new and everlasting covenant. Everything else is just our own pride working against us and wanting us to be different and special....to be held higher than others. That's foolishness and it is its own reward. Or punishment.

As I am on the end part of my earthly journey, some things are much clearer to me. And the question that need not be asked is still not a question that I form in my head. Does God love me? Never have I doubted that. Do I have a special calling here on earth? Though I've had all kinds of ideas floating in my head--a best-seller that can change/help thousands of people, a speaking tour to influence others for good, a career that can shape the world, a song that others will hum on their way to work, a treatise that will garner rave reviews, to be on the team that can find a cure for mental illness, to be a world class polyglot, to have a travel column, or even a blog that millions will read....I've had all those aspirations in my head. We often think that our time here on earth will be judged by our accomplishments--all those things that the world raves about. Being a doctor, having a bestseller, being a bishop or stake president, serving a mission.....we think that we will be judged based on how shiny we are. And we think that when our patriarchal blessing tells us (a few million of us....) that 'we have a special mission on earth'....we delude ourselves into thinking about missions and status that carry distinction. Like being a martyr or saving the world. How myopic is that? Based on eternal principles, its the day to day battles that really distinguish us NOT from others but from the tension between merely sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves and fulfilling our full SPIRITUAL potential. Isn't the natural man an enemy unto God? So it would stand to reason that the fulfillment of the full measure of our potential is a spiritual one.....the 'new creature' that Paul talks about. We are commanded to make our calling and election sure. The true nature of our potential is in the flexing of our spiritual muscles...the trial of our faith, our patience and our ability to take advantage of the atonement of Christ through the mechanism of repentance. It is a day to day task that relies on the grace and mercies of God. 

So while we know that the basic unit in the highest degree of glory is a man and a woman under the new and everlasting covenant, it would stand to reason that the greatest potential can only be achieved under that covenant. Families. Participating in the godly task of creating bodies for spirits that need to be born. That's where our greatest potential lies. Nothing can prepare us better to become like our Father in Heaven than being parents. Nothing. As the world marginalizes the bearing of children and the privileges of motherhood, everything else that delays that when we have the opportunity to have them is just a diversion from the path we need to be towards the fulfilling of our maximum potential. And those who don't have that opportunity while on earth will be granted that blessing as promised. Nothing else can compensate for that loss if we choose to refuse that privilege or even delay it. Being a member of a family gives us that divine perspective that our lives are to SERVE the ones we love---by example, by the decisions we make, by how well we do what is right.  We sometimes get blinded by the misconception that happiness and success are all about our stature, our social relevance, our perceived successes or failures, our incompetence or the masterful things we do. These are great but blind us to the true nature of our role as children and partners with our Heavenly Father---we are here to serve, to hold our families together, to provide them with opportunities to define what they see but cannot perceive, what they feel but cannot define and many times the opportunity to heard so they can organize their thoughts and own their realizations. Error blindness is often the consequence of ego.

The truth of the matter is, nothing trumps being a mother. And nothing matters to me more than being with my eternal companion anywhere on earth....as long as I'm with him nothing matters and I"m happy. And no career that saves the world can be as important or fulfilling to me as being a wife and mother. Everything else is just gravy. And if I can do all those earthly things that I listed, that would be awesome too but they would simply be their own rewards--not my sole purpose or mission on earth that trumps what I know is my true purpose. And should  I choose to pursue those things and succeed, I hope I can be intelligent enough to know that they cannot be more important than my  real purpose and mission here on earth and I can be humble enough to recognize them as extra gifts from a Heavenly Father who loves me.