Error Blindness

I was once asked by a friend if I had ever questioned if God loves me. Or why God allowed some of the most traumatic and horrific events to happen in my life. I was stunned by the question. Not because it was a bad question but because it never occurred to me to ask that question. Even when bad things were happening to me, that question never popped in my head. When my father beat me and I had welts from the buckle of his leather belt on my bottom, I never asked God why He let this happen to me. When my pedophile uncle abused me as a young child over and over, I never asked God why He didn't protect me. When I was assaulted by a church leader, I never asked God why his servant would hurt and abuse me. When my sister and I were alone late into the night with no food, I never asked God why He allowed us to be hungry. And during many times when I was alone, scared and feeling helpless, I never asked God if He really loved me. There were many other unspeakable events that happened to me such that I should be bitter, angry or lost. But I never once questioned God. In all these events, I consistently knew without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me and that He was with me even during those times when I was being hurt, afraid or alone. Specifically, I knew that Jesus was my companion and that He was always with me. Instead of questioning, I simply imagined that He was with me. Hugging me. Telling me that everything was going to be alright.

There are questions that simply must not be asked. Because we  already know the answer. Because we SHOULD already know.

But I will say that while I never asked those questions about God, I did have many questions and doubts about myself. And I had many, many erroneous ideas about my worth. Even in my 56th year of life on earth, I am still discovering many of these errors and as I assess my life, I try to correct them as I see them. Or as the Lord allows me to discover them.

When I was asked this question, I began to ponder many things about my past...and the old Christie. The child in me. The young teenager in me. The young woman in me. In the past, I did not realize how much this little child needed to be understood and accepted. Now I realize that I must take care of her. And as I look back and see her in my mind, I am in awe of her. How she survived and made a life for herself is nothing short of amazing. And that her faith in a God who loves her is unwavering. She believes that God loves her. She believes in the new and restored gospel. She understands the frailties of men....that though they may be unjust, there is forgiveness and peace in staying the course and being faithful in His restored church. I can see forward and can even see ahead and far off. But now I must also reach out behind me and embrace this little girl who was me and tell her that she has done well. That she waited long enough.

There are questions that should not be asked. Many times, the questions that we ask reveal the foundation of our beliefs. Often, the questions we ask reveal a blindness...error blindness. This is what scares me.

Error blindness is being STUCK in a feeling of righteousness with no internal cues to tell us that we are wrong. When our INTERNAL SENSE OF RIGHTNESS clashes with external realities, we begin to have serious problems and we start asking questions that should not be asked. This creates a HUGE practical problem. How does one 'snap out of it'? I believe the answer lies in the questions that we ask. Because if our foundation is based on truth, then the questions we ask will simply underscore the principles that are eternal in nature. 

There are common beliefs based on errors that sound true but have no basis in truth. One is that happiness is attached to a thing, a place, an event or a person. As a young child I often dreamed that one day, a handsome prince from America will find me, save me and take me away to a far away place where he can protect me and make me happy. MAKE ME HAPPY. It took decades to realize that happiness or rather, happiness that can be SUSTAINED is a decision that I make myself. It is not incumbent upon a person, place, thing(s) or event. Happiness is a decision. Let me just repeat that: HAPPINESS IS A DECISION. Often we hear ourselves say..."I will be happy as soon as...." You can just fill in the blanks. Happiness must happen NOW. It must be decided NOW. 

Another belief that I held on to was the strong conviction that God sent me here on earth for a specific, special and unique purpose. I had small delusions that I would 'save' or help many people...perhaps a bit of a saviour complex. Little did I realize that every person feels this way in varying degrees. But as I got older, I realized that my 'delusions' or dreams or daydreams were merely just that. Indeed we are all here to do something extraordinary and to fill the measure of our potential.  What we don't realize is that we get to build our lives day by day as we live it--the potential needs to be met right NOW or we continue to miss the mark. Or shoot PAST the mark. 

We have been warned about this many times in the scriptures. False pride is the biggest stumbling block to fulfilling our potential and frequently becomes a digression-- a diversion from the path we must take. There will be times in our lives for example, when we focus so much on our baggage, our insecurities and pain that we make decisions that are quick remedies and fixes that may in turn confuse us or derail us instead of learning patience to 'continue as we commenced' until we reach the point where we can realize that our challenges were in fact our blessings. Focusing on pain and hurt deny us the clarity of gratitude. We must learn to assess our circumstances and use eternal principles to see clearly.

Another error blindness happens when it seems to us that good fortune just falls on our lap magically. Then when the time comes for us to make decisions for ourselves, we sit and wait until God can give us an answer...or until something wonderful falls on our laps. This reminds me of the story of Mahonri Moriancumr who, having been given so much information as to the dimensions, number, details of ship building when he had no experience in such things began to get cocky in the end when he asked how to light the barges. The Lord in essence said to him: OK. I've given you everything....tools, dimensions, materials, etc...what do you want me to do? It wasn't that God didn't have any idea what to do. Jared's brother simply had to use his mind and figure it out. This is what I think we are told to do. God gives us a good mind, education, opportunity...even birthright and all we need to do is use them to build his kingdom. He wants us to make decisions....to learn...to exercise faith. Though it's hard to find the equilibrium point on the tension between waiting for inspiration and being resourceful, the rule I'd like to follow is this: Do everything you can asking for help and guidance as you use your own steam and resources to generate good deeds and the Lord will do the rest. If you're mistaken, He'll divert your path. If you're stumped, He'll give you instructions WHILE you're working. But not doing anything is a decision in itself. We just can't assume the attitude that "things will work out" and then fiddle around being unhappy. The truth of the matter is, "everything will work out" means "I don't want to make a decision....I'll just wait until the decision is made for me". If we take that kind of cocky attitude, we will never know our true potential.

More than anything, we need to understand what our unique ordination is. Or foreordination. That's clear to me. To return to Him under the new and everlasting covenant. Everything else is just our own pride working against us and wanting us to be different and special....to be held higher than others. That's foolishness and it is its own reward. Or punishment.

As I am on the end part of my earthly journey, some things are much clearer to me. And the question that need not be asked is still not a question that I form in my head. Does God love me? Never have I doubted that. Do I have a special calling here on earth? Though I've had all kinds of ideas floating in my head--a best-seller that can change/help thousands of people, a speaking tour to influence others for good, a career that can shape the world, a song that others will hum on their way to work, a treatise that will garner rave reviews, to be on the team that can find a cure for mental illness, to be a world class polyglot, to have a travel column, or even a blog that millions will read....I've had all those aspirations in my head. We often think that our time here on earth will be judged by our accomplishments--all those things that the world raves about. Being a doctor, having a bestseller, being a bishop or stake president, serving a mission.....we think that we will be judged based on how shiny we are. And we think that when our patriarchal blessing tells us (a few million of us....) that 'we have a special mission on earth'....we delude ourselves into thinking about missions and status that carry distinction. Like being a martyr or saving the world. How myopic is that? Based on eternal principles, its the day to day battles that really distinguish us NOT from others but from the tension between merely sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves and fulfilling our full SPIRITUAL potential. Isn't the natural man an enemy unto God? So it would stand to reason that the fulfillment of the full measure of our potential is a spiritual one.....the 'new creature' that Paul talks about. We are commanded to make our calling and election sure. The true nature of our potential is in the flexing of our spiritual muscles...the trial of our faith, our patience and our ability to take advantage of the atonement of Christ through the mechanism of repentance. It is a day to day task that relies on the grace and mercies of God. 

So while we know that the basic unit in the highest degree of glory is a man and a woman under the new and everlasting covenant, it would stand to reason that the greatest potential can only be achieved under that covenant. Families. Participating in the godly task of creating bodies for spirits that need to be born. That's where our greatest potential lies. Nothing can prepare us better to become like our Father in Heaven than being parents. Nothing. As the world marginalizes the bearing of children and the privileges of motherhood, everything else that delays that when we have the opportunity to have them is just a diversion from the path we need to be towards the fulfilling of our maximum potential. And those who don't have that opportunity while on earth will be granted that blessing as promised. Nothing else can compensate for that loss if we choose to refuse that privilege or even delay it. Being a member of a family gives us that divine perspective that our lives are to SERVE the ones we love---by example, by the decisions we make, by how well we do what is right.  We sometimes get blinded by the misconception that happiness and success are all about our stature, our social relevance, our perceived successes or failures, our incompetence or the masterful things we do. These are great but blind us to the true nature of our role as children and partners with our Heavenly Father---we are here to serve, to hold our families together, to provide them with opportunities to define what they see but cannot perceive, what they feel but cannot define and many times the opportunity to heard so they can organize their thoughts and own their realizations. Error blindness is often the consequence of ego.

The truth of the matter is, nothing trumps being a mother. And nothing matters to me more than being with my eternal companion anywhere on earth....as long as I'm with him nothing matters and I"m happy. And no career that saves the world can be as important or fulfilling to me as being a wife and mother. Everything else is just gravy. And if I can do all those earthly things that I listed, that would be awesome too but they would simply be their own rewards--not my sole purpose or mission on earth that trumps what I know is my true purpose. And should  I choose to pursue those things and succeed, I hope I can be intelligent enough to know that they cannot be more important than my  real purpose and mission here on earth and I can be humble enough to recognize them as extra gifts from a Heavenly Father who loves me.