Being Old Is Better Than You Think

Jan 12, 2012--- 56 years old

I feel that I've reached an age that's perfect in every way. I know I am closer to 60 but I still feel firmly planted on family, children, work and many other projects that I feel I've always wanted to accomplish. I still feel like some of my dreams and hopes can be fulfilled. I still feel strong and healthy. On the other hand, I am equally aware that the balance of my earthly life is way past the half-way mark and that every day is now a gift. I am aware that with my genetic disadvantages starting with hypertension & diabetes (syndrome X) and type-A personality that seems to thrive on stress and worry-- all enemies of syndrome X-- my lifespan is compromised and I am like a ticking bomb just waiting for that perfect storm that can either have me debilitated or end my life. So while I feel vibrant and positive, I am also sobered by a sense of foreboding mortality and the inevitable. And it feels good to be still able to look forward to many great accomplishments and lessons. And it feels great to be able to have an even longer dossier of experiences and journeys that empowers me to face challenges.

I don't know how long this great balance is going to last but I am grateful for every, single day. I am also mindful that my completion is my best friend and husband and waking up together every single day is the greatest blessing of all. I am also aware that one day, one of us will lose the other in this earthly life. It is an inevitable event---unless we get the blessing of going together.

So it is a blessed time for me to prepare and make sure that everything is in order. Preparation allows me the luxury of comfort and gives me all the excuse to go forward with life.

I don't know how I am going to bequeath to my children all the benefit of my experiences. But I hope that they also understand that their parents will not always be there and that they need to have the zeal to find out for themselves who their parents really are and seek advise and counsel.

The road of life is not at all different for everyone. The roles, characters, stage or environment will all be different. But the principles that will allow success are all the same. And the pitfalls that paralyze us or the deceptions that divert us from our potential are all the same. Truth and light are universal. And as I age, all the familiar tricks and pitfalls become more visible. They become like the dangerous friends we used to keep in our young rebellious days--we recognize them and from our lessons past, avoid them. And when we see their faces in our children's eyes, we get in battle mode and try our very best to save them from unnecessary harm and detours. We warn, we guide, we become vigilant. And as we journey on and our influence is no longer wanted because of our age, we try to find joy in knowing what we know as we watch the young make the same unnecessary mistakes that we no longer have the energy to warn them about. Instead, I hope that I will just continue playing cards or hopefully, writing about love, life and my labours.

Seeing With Your Eyes

Magic Eye pictures are fun to look at. You can spot 3D images in what looks like busy printed pictures. It takes time to get your eyes used to the method of seeing the images. And as you begin to 'see' the 3D renditions, a thrill sets in and the further back you look at the print, the object has more depth and sharpness to it. Suddenly, you have a little something that others can't see until they themselves learn how to 'see' through the print. It's magical.

My daughter recently, in a blaze of frustration, asked me why it is that she can't see what I see. She said that she wishes she could have the same conviction about the things I see. I often ponder about that exchange and it somehow disturbs me. The context of the conversation is more complex than I am willing to describe but today a thought just ran into my head.

Lehi was a 'visionary man'. I've always thought that people could see things that I could see. Many times I'll see people and I'd see the 'insides' of them....like I can see what they are hiding and what they really are. Many times I can 'see' what is going to happen or feel something that would indicate a warning to me or for others. Many times the things I 'see' are inexplicable until some time later when things begin to unfold. And still many times, I'd 'hear' a voice or see 'text' or words in my head that instruct me on what to do. Many times these things are random. But these feelings and vistas have always helped me and at times, saved me from danger. So I rely on them and know that I should take them seriously. I don't purport to be like Lehi. But I always thought that others experience the same things I experience. That is, until my husband pointed out to me that I'm the only one he knows who can do that. A gift perhaps?

Laman and Lemuel, the sons of Lehi, murmured endless about their visionary father. That's because they can't 'see' what he sees. Now I don't particularly think that they were completely evil at first. I mean, they did follow their father into the wilderness and then across the wide ocean. They did go back to Jerusalem as told to complete a task or two. I am sure that while living in Jerusalem that they went to their synagogues and tried to live their lives according to the laws. And I do believe that they were at least worthy to be saved and given the privilege to live and prosper in a new land. They probably would have done their home teaching, passed the sacrament, taught Sunday School and their priesthood duties. And for sure, they did most of what their father asked. But still, they could not 'see' what their father saw.

I think that sometimes, as children, there will be times when we cannot see what our parents see. But if, like Nephi, we are born of goodly parents (not perfect....but good...), we may have to believe what they see and heed their counsel. Especially when they feel strongly about things.

When I was almost 19, my mother had a dream. She dreamed that our family crossed a wide body of water and when they reached the other side, I was missing and had been left behind. It scared her so much that she immediately came into my room, roused me awake and told me the dream. Initially, her conviction and emotion scared me. She told me that I had progressed as far as I can within the church and that I needed to go to BYU. Now, I had applied to BYU-Hawaii 2 years previously and received a letter from the dean asking me to reappy when I turned 18. At that point, I decided not to do so. I was happily attending the University of the Philippines as a partial scholar, about to be initiated into a sorority and active in political groups. I also had a boyfriend. I attended church and did everything I was supposed to do as an LDS young woman. But I also did others that were deceitful. I knew it.

My boyfriend was my escape from all the burden and responsibilities that weighed so heavily on me. And I felt that no one really understood me, loved me as freely and appreciated me as much as he did. My whole world seemed to encompass his. And I had this relationship behind my parent's back. He was a good man. He went to an exclusive private college. He had pedigree. He drove a nice orange model T that was his pride. He was smart and talented and worked providing voice-overs-- dubbing HongKong made kung-fu movies into English. He was a catch. And he was crazy about me. Leaving him was not an option.

There were many confrontations with my parents regarding him. He was not LDS. He smoked and drank. But other than that, he was perfect. I could not 'see' what my parents were seeing about him. I could not see why they were upset about him. I thought our confrontations were about him and their prejudice against non-LDS people and because he was not what they wanted for me. My father would constantly tell me that he was not what he 'saw' in his head for me. How can he 'see' what I can't see?

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The above confrontations would replay two years later. I had done EVERYTHING my parents wanted me to do. I reluctantly left my beloved University, my boyfriend, my sorority, my gang, my charmed life in Manila to attend BYU-Hawaii. One day, feeling particularly lonely, I prayed to God to 'please give me someone to love.' That afternoon, I met Tom. He was also non-LDS. But I would fall helplessly inlove with him and he with me. He would propose to me many times and what pushed me to accept was another confrontation with my father.

My papa was visiting Hawaii from attending Stake Conference in Utah. He found out about Tom. We had a huge confrontation ending with him disowning me. ("You are dead to me.") He told me that this was not what he 'saw' in his head for me. He told me I was worth more than this. He told me that I was not in any position to make 'inspired' decisions because of the life I was living. How dare he judge me? I was living a good life. I attended church, I performed my callings, I worked 20 hours a week and carried a load of classes. But inside me, I KNEW he was right. But how dare he anyway? That's when I decided I would marry Tom. Because he was the only one who understood me and with him, I felt happy and free. And if he's a good man, which he is, surely one day he will be baptized and marry me in the temple. It's not a risk if he's a good man who fears God. And he did. No one can judge that. Not even my father who does not even know him. I am the only one who can make that determination.

How wrong I was. And my father was right. I did not marry Tom. Later, I would choose to serve a mission. My father 'saw' in his head that I was supposed to serve a mission and so I did. It was a very wise decision. My father was not always a good father. But when he was, he was very, very wonderful. And despite his many faults, he still received inspiration for my benefit and empowerment. Such is the case because though he was flawed, his love for me was real and deep. He still saw and knew things in my behalf.

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If Laman and Lemuel were not so bad and had the priesthood and if they did all that they were asked to do; some even very difficult tasks, why then could they not be given the same vision and signs that their father saw so they can know for a surety regarding their fate? Obviously their attitudes were problematic and became worse as time went by. But there are many times when we don't see what our parents see for us and we'd rather not do as they counsel because we think we know better. We think we are entitled to 'see' as they see.

God sees what is good and knows the path that we should follow. He knows our potential and knows what we should be doing. And yet, over and over we do not 'see' what he sees either. We continue to wander and err thinking that its much better to experience sorrow for ourselves so we can know joy better--not realizing that earthly life comes packaged with sorrows and challenges anyway and that we don't need to complicate matters by actively taking unnecessary risks. I think that is why we have righteous parents. If you are born of goodly parents, thank your God continuously.

As parents it is a great challenge to know how to act when a child willingly enters a moving train that is about to wreck. The child thinks it's exciting and nothing can hurt him. But as parents we know better because we know where the destination is. Do we chase the train and drag him off of it as he thrashes, curses and hates us, inflicting pain and defiance as we do so? While there's still time to save him? Or do we watch and wait until the train crashes and then with crushed hearts and bowed heads try and pick up the pieces and hopefully put them back together? Should we fight with all our might? Or harden our hearts and allow the terrible end to happen? I don't know the answers.

Of Birds and Signs

It must be my culture. From the time I can remember, I've always looked for signs. Not for signs that God exists. I do not need a sign for that because that knowledge is already etched in my heart. Nor do I need signs to believe that He loves me because all I have to do is look around. The very fact that I am alive is sign enough that He has allowed me to be on this earth. I do not need a sign to know that Jesus is the Messiah. My faith alone tells me that He is real and I endeavor to strengthen my understanding of His atonement and works through careful and consistent study of the scriptures and a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father through earnest and meaningful prayers.

But I can't help but see signs of His enduring love and tender mercies. And I also sometimes see signs and manifestations that give me comfort and reassurance that He is in the details. And many times, I also see signs just to light up the way for me especially when I'm worn down or discouraged.

I've written my thoughts regarding this matter many times. Here, here and here.

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me. I was alone on a Sunday morning getting ready for church. I had barely slept the night filled with doubt and worry again about many things. I was second guessing the things that I thought I knew....the things that I thought I had seen in my head. And my heart was also heavy from the events of last week....events that sparked doubts in me.

As I walked to my car to drive myself to church, I was talking to God as is my wont when I am alone. I was telling Him that I really needed my eyes opened...I needed some reassurance so I can see again 'far off'.  Then I told myself that everything will be alright---something I've always done from the time I was little.

Later that night, my husband came home from yet another meeting with a story---a story of an improbable coincidence. And a double coincidence. To me, it was not a coincidence but a sign! It was a sign that God is yet again in the details and that He orchestrates amazing things of order.

This event is not a rare event in my life. There are a myriad of such divine synchronicities that fill my heart with indescribable brightness.

No, I am not a sign-seeker. But I am hoping that my faith and belief in a God whose wondrous manifestations of love and His guiding hand are strong enough so that these events are possible. I plead for His help especially for my family and He never lets me down. He is always consistently there for me.

And he that seeketh signs shall see signs, but not unto salvation. Verily, I say unto you, there are those among you who seek signs, and there have been such even from the beginning; But, behold, faith cometh not by signs, but signs follow those that believe. Yea,  signs come by faith, not by the will of men, nor as they please, but by the will of God. Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation. Wherefore, I, the Lord, am not pleased with those among you who have sought after signs and wonders for faith, and not for the good of men unto my glory. (D&C 6:7-12)

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Many years ago, I rested my head against the window of the jet that was to take me back to BYU-Hawaii. I had been in Manila for a few weeks after I had been released from serving a mission in Spain. Those were turbulent weeks filled with strife and stress. My father was on a rampage practically every day, yelling at me and belittling me.  It was all confusing. I had been living in a home filled with strife and confusion, duplicity and harm for so many years. And for many years, I waited to grow up so I can take care of myself and take me away from the confusion and darkness of this life I've known. But while I patiently waited to grow up, I knew that God would take care of me. It was a very long and difficult road full of mistakes and errors, challenges and renewals. But patiently, I waited for that time. I was all of 24.

I was in tears as I sat on my airplane seat. I did not mind that the other passengers could see me crying. There were others crying also....obviously because they were sad to leave the homeland. But I was crying because of sadness and isolation. I was relieved to be going back to Hawaii but also full of trepidation about my future. I had no idea what I was going to do when I graduate. I did not want to go back to my home country. But I had no idea how I was going to stay in America without a visa other than a student visa. I had no idea how I was going to find work. I had no idea what lay ahead. But deep inside me I knew that where I was going was where I needed to be. And I kept on praying to God for some enlightenment, some reassurance that all will be well. 

As the plane began to taxi on the tarmac, I looked outside the window. It was a warm, humid afternoon. Suddenly, a flock of white birds from the front of the plane gracefully and beautifully glided upwards against the billowy clouds towards the opposite direction we were going. They were so free and happy. My heart began to flutter as a sudden realization clearly and indubitably entered my mind--words that told me that God sent me the birds as a sign to me; to tell me that I am free. That never again will I set foot on this land alone. That never again will I live on this land again. My tears turned to tears of joy. I still did not know how that was going to happen but I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord will make it happen for me. I had a clear reassurance that I was going to a new home. And I had a sign.

That was May of 1980. In June of 1981, I married my best friend and sweetheart for time and all eternity. And I have never again returned to my homeland to live there but only for brief visits. The Lord had taken me to a new land, a new life...and allowed me to do a mighty work. I am a wife and mother in a new land, new culture, new language. And I do this with many gifts that He has entrusted me with. I am grateful. So very grateful. The challenges are still mighty. And sometimes, I wish that my children would fully appreciate that because He has placed me deliberately on new grounds that I am as much a gift to them as they are to me. I am not just their mother, I am deliberately their mother.

There are signs all around us that testify of His love and caring. And I am still privy to many manifestations of this love. His works are wondrous and mighty. And I am humbled that He would send me signs and wonders that ease my heart when I feel spent and worn. He continues to lift me up. And never, ever has He forsaken me.