It must be my culture. From the time I can remember, I've always looked for signs. Not for signs that God exists. I do not need a sign for that because that knowledge is already etched in my heart. Nor do I need signs to believe that He loves me because all I have to do is look around. The very fact that I am alive is sign enough that He has allowed me to be on this earth. I do not need a sign to know that Jesus is the Messiah. My faith alone tells me that He is real and I endeavor to strengthen my understanding of His atonement and works through careful and consistent study of the scriptures and a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father through earnest and meaningful prayers.
But I can't help but see signs of His enduring love and tender mercies. And I also sometimes see signs and manifestations that give me comfort and reassurance that He is in the details. And many times, I also see signs just to light up the way for me especially when I'm worn down or discouraged.
I've written my thoughts regarding this matter many times. Here, here and here.
Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me. I was alone on a Sunday morning getting ready for church. I had barely slept the night filled with doubt and worry again about many things. I was second guessing the things that I thought I knew....the things that I thought I had seen in my head. And my heart was also heavy from the events of last week....events that sparked doubts in me.
As I walked to my car to drive myself to church, I was talking to God as is my wont when I am alone. I was telling Him that I really needed my eyes opened...I needed some reassurance so I can see again 'far off'. Then I told myself that everything will be alright---something I've always done from the time I was little.
Later that night, my husband came home from yet another meeting with a story---a story of an improbable coincidence. And a double coincidence. To me, it was not a coincidence but a sign! It was a sign that God is yet again in the details and that He orchestrates amazing things of order.
This event is not a rare event in my life. There are a myriad of such divine synchronicities that fill my heart with indescribable brightness.
No, I am not a sign-seeker. But I am hoping that my faith and belief in a God whose wondrous manifestations of love and His guiding hand are strong enough so that these events are possible. I plead for His help especially for my family and He never lets me down. He is always consistently there for me.
And he that seeketh signs shall see signs, but not unto salvation. Verily, I say unto you, there are those among you who seek signs, and there have been such even from the beginning; But, behold, faith cometh not by signs, but signs follow those that believe. Yea, signs come by faith, not by the will of men, nor as they please, but by the will of God. Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation. Wherefore, I, the Lord, am not pleased with those among you who have sought after signs and wonders for faith, and not for the good of men unto my glory. (D&C 6:7-12)
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Many years ago, I rested my head against the window of the jet that was to take me back to BYU-Hawaii. I had been in Manila for a few weeks after I had been released from serving a mission in Spain. Those were turbulent weeks filled with strife and stress. My father was on a rampage practically every day, yelling at me and belittling me. It was all confusing. I had been living in a home filled with strife and confusion, duplicity and harm for so many years. And for many years, I waited to grow up so I can take care of myself and take me away from the confusion and darkness of this life I've known. But while I patiently waited to grow up, I knew that God would take care of me. It was a very long and difficult road full of mistakes and errors, challenges and renewals. But patiently, I waited for that time. I was all of 24.
I was in tears as I sat on my airplane seat. I did not mind that the other passengers could see me crying. There were others crying also....obviously because they were sad to leave the homeland. But I was crying because of sadness and isolation. I was relieved to be going back to Hawaii but also full of trepidation about my future. I had no idea what I was going to do when I graduate. I did not want to go back to my home country. But I had no idea how I was going to stay in America without a visa other than a student visa. I had no idea how I was going to find work. I had no idea what lay ahead. But deep inside me I knew that where I was going was where I needed to be. And I kept on praying to God for some enlightenment, some reassurance that all will be well.
As the plane began to taxi on the tarmac, I looked outside the window. It was a warm, humid afternoon. Suddenly, a flock of white birds from the front of the plane gracefully and beautifully glided upwards against the billowy clouds towards the opposite direction we were going. They were so free and happy. My heart began to flutter as a sudden realization clearly and indubitably entered my mind--words that told me that God sent me the birds as a sign to me; to tell me that I am free. That never again will I set foot on this land alone. That never again will I live on this land again. My tears turned to tears of joy. I still did not know how that was going to happen but I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord will make it happen for me. I had a clear reassurance that I was going to a new home. And I had a sign.
That was May of 1980. In June of 1981, I married my best friend and sweetheart for time and all eternity. And I have never again returned to my homeland to live there but only for brief visits. The Lord had taken me to a new land, a new life...and allowed me to do a mighty work. I am a wife and mother in a new land, new culture, new language. And I do this with many gifts that He has entrusted me with. I am grateful. So very grateful. The challenges are still mighty. And sometimes, I wish that my children would fully appreciate that because He has placed me deliberately on new grounds that I am as much a gift to them as they are to me. I am not just their mother, I am deliberately their mother.
There are signs all around us that testify of His love and caring. And I am still privy to many manifestations of this love. His works are wondrous and mighty. And I am humbled that He would send me signs and wonders that ease my heart when I feel spent and worn. He continues to lift me up. And never, ever has He forsaken me.
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