The Almost Necessary Arrogance of Youth

56 Years on Earth

It has been said that young people feel that they are invincible for a reason: so the men can go to war and the women can have no fear flirting with death every time they have babies. Millions of years have passed since the dawn of man and we still retain our 'flight or fight' instincts from the days when we were close to the biological food chain. I am surprised that no monkeys have been born to humans as of yet. But cheekiness aside...

For generations, the arrogance of youth has served us all well. It is what pushed me to be fearless about adventure and risks. And it is this same arrogance that I now seem to lack as I age. Now I fear making mistakes. I fear taking risks. I feel vulnerable. I feel very mortal. This same lack is what propels me to floss my teeth, obey the rules of the road, obsess over every detail of trips I now plan way in advance, save more money, choose the company I keep more discriminately and choose my battles very carefully....that is, if I even choose to battle anything at all. The necessary arrogance of my youth is now just a shadow that trails behind me. And as I move into the second half of my 50s, I now realize that the things my elders told me and warned me about are true. There is nothing more annoying than to admit that they were all right. And I have to admit that being rebellious and contrary have suddenly become totally unnecessary when these lessons are learned. I have become part of the 'establishment'. Yeah. Me-- the one who marched in protest against government, the one who threw caution to the wind far too many times, the one who didn't think anything of skinny dipping in the moonlight....the one who can fearlessly saunter into a smoky jazz lounge just to listen to music alone and broke wearing a hot, backless summer dress. The one who thought that love and romance were worth the pain. That was me with all the necessary arrogance of youth. And now that I am old, my own children think that I cannot relate to their need for risk-taking. And yet, in my waning years, I cannot help but sound a warning bell-- to raise several red flags along the way for the generations ahead. Because even in youth, one can learn lessons well. I know so.

So. Hold on tight because I am going to tell you, young people, where the pitfalls are so that the road you take will be further than the road I've taken. So that you can climb higher than I've climbed. So that you can enjoy life as it ebbs and flows. Youth, after all, ends quickly. Here now are some of the myths that arrogance made me believe were true.... and unfortunately just made good lyrics for a song or two.

1. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy.

My mother told me that the heart is a poor judge. She was right. It is important that things follow a certain order....certain rules and principles of truth. Even the scriptures say that the Spirit will tell us in our MINDS and in our hearts. I don't think it's a coincidence that it starts in our minds. Both must work together. I do agree that many times, we don't need a thorough, detailed or deep understanding but our minds will also tell us that and we will be aware of its finite nature. Happiness is so fleeting and sometimes, doing the right thing doesn't necessarily bring us immediate 'happiness' but rather, a calm and reassuring feeling. Some of us equate happiness with 'fun'. And that's where many problems begin. In the end, what is right and logical simply has to tip the scale. Sometimes, we don't even think it out before making a decision thinking that the Lord will simply give us a pat answer. Many times we have to wrestle like Enos. Or simply humble ourselves and repent. In any case, to be happy is a decision we make. And wickedness never was happiness. So instead of adhering to this myth, I'd like to say that my mother was right: USE YOUR HEAD. Choose wisely. Make decisions deliberately and with much study.

2. You can't help who you fall inlove with. (Or, love just happens...)

This is probably the biggest crock of all time. Yes, there is attraction. Yes it can be strong. Yes it can drive you nuts. Yes it is exciting and thrilling. I am the biggest romantic of all time. I have been swept away with candles and music. And I know what its like to walk into a room and feel the electricity as men turned their heads towards me. And I know what its like to be wooed over and over. Oh the drama. I loved every second of it. The thrill of it all. I was addicted to all of this. Yes, I was a serial romantic. Engaged over and over. And fallen inlove so many times. It is ADDICTIVE. And to most LDS youth, because of our high moral standards, this is where couples usually are when they decide to marry---at the apex of the thrill. Then a new thrill happens; the thrill of wedding preparations. There simply is no time to get back down to earth. Over and over I've seen this happen at BYU. And as the decades have unfolded, I've also seen the results. It is so rare to have a relationship or courtship that lasts a long time....that stands the test of time. This is the norm where I come from---not the fast paced thrill of BYU culture. I think that courtship must involve time. Sometimes, some distance. And if you're lucky, some challenges. And then, a little bit more time for the thrill to subside and real life to occur. And then when things become normal and loving someone becomes more of a choice and a familiarity ensues, we begin to feel like we're 'home'. That's when love really begins. And if you're lucky, you get to marry your best friend.

3. A relationship should be 50-50. (Or its close cousin, "You have to give it 110%")

As soon as someone comes up with a way to calibrate this, I'll consider its veracity. It sounds good and again its only value is that it makes for a good country song. But my Papa used to tell me that I should marry the man who loves me MORE than I love him. I often scoffed at him when he'd recite this to me over and over. He was also the one who told me to 'collect and select' men. I think he was afraid I would be involved with only ONE man too soon since I started having 'suitors' before I even turned 14. That's when courtship was an art. I hate to admit it, but he is right. Men are just naturally so laser-focused on their concerns and endeavors that its hard for them to really listen and put themselves in others' shoes. It's part of being who they are. An evolutionary necessity. As we inherently take care of home and hearth, they are out creating their niches. So my father is so right. If my man worships the ground I walk on, in all probability, I would be the muse of their endeavors--the reason for all they do. The balance MUST tip that way to fight the urge to focus on other things; to balance that instinct. Because as women, it is inherent in us to nurture and show affection. And we need to be reciprocated. So if you find a man who loves you so much consistently, constantly and without asking much from you, you've won the lottery. If you are the one doing the chasing, BEWARE. You will lose no matter what rationale you can come up with. There is no mistaking here. My father was right. He was so right. And I don't mind admitting it.

4. My spouse loves me no matter what I look like.

Again, this sounds wonderful! Its a wondrous declaration of true love. But my father used to tell me that it's a lot easier to love someone who looks and smells good. I used to scoff at this also because I believed love should know no boundaries. But my father is right again. Sure, my husband has cleaned up my puke when I was sick. He's seen me at my worst. And he still loves me. BUT I always put my make-up on nearly every morning. And I try to dress up pretty every day. And he appreciates it. I can be defiant and wear an oversized tee shirt and sweat pants at home to prove the point. But its still better to wear my skinny jeans and cropped sweater. Or my sexy nightgown. And it's still better to take care of myself and not let myself go and be obese. Looking good takes effort. Never give up. Never, never! My mama always said that I should take pride in my appearance. I used to rebel by wearing odd things. But she was right. So were the generations past. And it's still a good idea for always.

5. My parents don't understand me. We are a new generation and they don't get it.

Never before has the generation gap been properly bridged! We now listen to the same music its irritating. My father used to talk my teen vernacular and we used to laugh when he did that. But I was so relieved that he was so 'cool'. The information age I think has eliminated any generation gap and the only 'gap' that remains is the balance of years of experience  -- though sometimes the depth and breadth of experiences between generations can sometimes ease even that difference. So metaphorically, the difference between you and me is just a few paces away such that I have time to warn you and give you directions to avoid tripping, falling or losing your way since I've been there. My experiences are close to yours. And if I look back, I can remember how it was when I was in your shoes. So the biggest myth of all is that we don't 'get you'. Or that we don't know. Because we do.

It's important to assert independence...to cut off apron strings. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Such a cliched metaphor there I'm using but its imagery is spot on. It feels powerful and thrilling to be defiant and assert independence but... listen to your parents' counsels. A long time ago, parents used to arrange marriages. There were recent Time and National Geographic magazine articles that assert that arranged marriages have very high rates of success. Highly evolved cultures, even Biblical and scriptural accounts describe this practice. Well, perhaps there's something to be said about the value of such a practice---at least the value of heeding the counsel of wise, loving and righteous parents. Perhaps parents do know us better than we do ourselves. Now that my parents are old and gone, I ponder this possibility with great reverence. And now that I am a parent, I see things. I SEE things that can benefit my children. Perhaps this myth is the biggest one of all.

And though its really annoying to do so, I have to say that my parents were right all along....and I wished I had heeded and obeyed their counsels more seriously.