THOSE PESKY CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTERS
Judging from the heading above, it's obvious how I feel about those pesky newsletters that people write around this time of the year. Yeah--I was once guilty of writing the most obnoxious Christmas newsletters and this is why I can grouse vigorously about this nasty deed. Here are the reasons why:
1. Crazy stationery: And especially green, red or metallic envelopes such that you'd have to use a special light to see your name and address through the dark background. This is why some letters don't get to their destinations on time--the post office machine can't make out the letters. But that's not the worse of it. Try reading through the elaborate designs and colors on the actual stationery. It's enough to quit reading on first sight.
2. Crazy fonts: It's not enough that the fonts are so tiny in a vain and futile attempt to cram more than enough information onto one page. Some people actually use more than one font in colors that are difficult to read on their colored paper. And how about those little script fonts? The fancier and scrolly-er, the better. Oh, and try reading these fancy fonts in 9 pt size. Egadz. What ever happened to just using black arial in 12pt size?
3. Long rambling paragraphs: I think I know why paragraphs were invented. They're a welcome and indispensable visual relief. Throw me a Christmas missive with long rambling paragraphs and you lose me on "hello"...or "Dear Friends..."
4. Bragging: For some reason, someone declared that Christmas letters and newsletters are a forgivable venue for bragging to the yinyang. Glowing one-uppers make me want to hurl. (i.e.: Little Tommy's quite a bore this year having received his usual straight As. He was chosen to be a delegate at the U.N. and will volunteer to help Iraqi children learn how to read this summer....blah blah blah....puke.)
5. Self-deprecating, negativism: I hate letters like this just as much as bragging ones. Long ago my cousin wrote about son#1 and his academic achievements and then made an abrupt turn and wrote about son#2 and how he will be going to remedial classes to help with his reading and math skills. You can almost accurately guess what kind of fate awaits them in their teen years. I don't think it's particularly funny to have parents point out their children's lack or poke fun at their perceived weaknesses either just to sound funny or clever. (i.e.: Jimmy still gives us the biggest laughs because the poor thing just can't spell to save his life! Why, last month we had to come up with dentist bills for the teeth that he knocked out of his classmate's mouth just because he was being an idiot. He just has a hard time controlling his temper. I told him that was the last time I would be driving him home from detention. He may just grow up one day and make us millions when he becomes a world class boxer...who knows!) Catch the drift? I think letters like this come from people who are sad and bitter, bitter, bitter.
I understand that these pesky Christmas missives are a good way to keep everybody abreast of the comings and goings of our lives. Yeah, and I understand there's probably nothing wrong when we brag about our perfect kids and perfect lives and growing careers and accomplishments. And I can see that I'm just being a complete Scrooge.
But that's why I have a trash can under my desk. And right now, it's full of pesky red and green envelopes and crumpled up newsletters with tiny fonts.
Bah! Humbug!
