Courage is measured by vulnerability

I once had a dream about my sister. It was so clear and vivid that after nearly 40 years, I can still see the dream in my head. I pay attention to those dreams because many times, that part of our brain that remains dormant when we are thinking too much about our stresses and worries are unsealed only when we are finally asleep....and dreaming. And when I wake up, I ponder the feelings and events of my dream. I classify these dreams as part of my experiences...awake or otherwise.

As we journey through life, we hopefully gain wisdom through our experiences. But often, as I pass through these challenges, though I do my utmost best to do so with courage, motivated by a strong desire to do what's right, I find that I can STILL be blind to many of my weaknesses. In fact, at times, in my zeal to do what's right, I actually do things POORLY partly due to what I lack in perspective, or due to that same zeal, I become blind to the variables that help me MEASURE how I am doing...that is, until someone wise helps me out. Sometimes the losses I incur for doing what's right poorly is much too high to pay. That's when angels come to my rescue. That's when someone finally turns on the light in that unused portion of my brain.

Doing what's right poorly is part of our purification and aspiration to be great and extraordinary. It's part of that spirit that is in us. Doing what's right poorly is what we do when we err not because we are filled with evil but because we are filled with the desire to do what's right. It's flying without a net. It's vulnerability at its best definition. And we need not fear it. In fact, we need to embrace it.

The joy that we feel or lack is directly related to our ability to be vulnerable. Such has been the topic of many scholarly research into how greatness is achieved.

I come from a mindset that does not fear emotional risk-taking. I love freely and fiercely; often with dire and painful consequences. But though this trait is a weakness, it can be my best strength. Often, I get intensely hurt and that's when things go bad. In order to NOT feel pain, many of us find ways to numb ourselves. Some do it by taking drugs. Some get drunk. Some simply close their hearts. And then some welcome hopelessness like a slow-burning consuming fire as a sort of preemptive strike to destroy all that they desire and love the most....ironically because they FEAR losing them. It's such a tragedy when this happens. The loss is incomprehensible partly because through time, we've already accepted the loss even if there is NO loss...nor a surety that that loss will happen.

How do we prevent this from happening? Sometimes we can't. But when we are blessed with the realization that we are doing this, NOT acting upon this will make matters worse...and the opposite of NOT acting upon this is simply making ourselves more numb. A lack of vulnerability.

The ironic thing about this is that the less vulnerable we are, the less brave we become. Because if we numb ourselves, we feel less fear which is precisely why we numb ourselves. When we fear less, there is no reason to be brave. And we do stupid things. And if we don't catch ourselves, we begin a long pattern that can be unbreakable throughout our lives.

Doing what's right poorly is what we do as humans. But its an impossibility to always do the right thing correctly ALL the time because if it were so, we wouldn't be human. And thinking that we can is arrogance at its finest....a negation of the atonement of Jesus Christ. We have to do what's right poorly before we can do things well. And it gets better and better. There is no other way to become extraordinary. That's the idea. Line upon line. But we HAVE to catch ourselves first. So self-awareness is key to recognition.

Hope is a gift of the Spirit and necessary for faith to grow.

And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope? (Moroni 7:40)

Hope is a clear vision of what we desire...so clear that you can see it, hear it, touch it, smell it.  Hope is all these things coupled with the belief that you CAN achieve it. Giving in to fear that this vision cannot be achieved is a loss of hope and all good things that come with it. Fearing that we cannot achieve what we hope is a lack of faith...when fear replaces faith. Once we recognize that we fear, we must take measures to increase our faith. And that's a real challenge...and why we must believe and understand how the empathic powers of the atonement can help us. 

Without courage, we cannot exercise faith. And without fear, we cannot measure our courage. Therefore, how vulnerable we are certainly measures how much courage we need. The ability to be vulnerable therefore opens the door to greatness...to becoming sensitive to the subtle changes that only the Spirit can bring. In building a protective wall around us to help us numb ourselves from the anticipation of pain or pain itself, we also numb ourselves to all things that are good. Without the ability to feel heat, we get burned easily. Such is the consequence of closing ourselves off and building walls of defense around us. We must not be afraid. And though I am constantly afraid, I realize that without being afraid, I wouldn't need God's help. There is always an opposition to all things and that sacred tension...that ability to find that perfect point of balance that changes in dynamic and constant ways, is what will allow us to be great, line upon line. The amount of fear we have to overcome allows us the courage we need to apply our faith which in turn allows us to find joy in our journey. It is important because we only get ONE chance...one life. 

I lost my ipod

I have been looking for my ipod for many months now. The last time I used it was probably a year ago. I looked everywhere. When I went to England last April, I really missed it. I also lost my Bose headset which was attached to my ipod. I know I had it last time I went for a walk, placed it on top of my desk and then....totally forgot about it. The next time I had to go for a walk, I could not find it. My cleaning lady had just cleaned the house and I did not even think about it.

Months later, before going on a trip to Provo, I realized that it was gone. I looked all over for it. I knew I had it and I knew that there were only two places where it could be: my home office or my bedroom. So for weeks and weeks,  I searched for it--in handbags, boxes, file cabinets....every single nook and cranny of those two rooms, plus everywhere else. Whenever we went on trips back to Provo or to California, I would search for it.

I thought about that ipod and headset nearly everyday. And nearly everyday for the next few months I would take some time to look and look again.

Later, I would have the opportunity to go back to London with Hannah. I only had a few hours to get packed and ready and I still had a couple of hours left after I finished packing. So again, I looked some more to no avail.

Every time I looked, I would secretly think: I wonder if my cleaning lady decided to take it home with her. Then a very clear thought would come to me: No. It's in the house but you will find it when the time is right. I had that feeling EVERY SINGLE time I looked. So whenever panic or anxiety or frustration would set in, that feeling---that sharp, clear feeling would come to me: you will find it when the time is right. And then I would be seized by a feeling of calm and as if it were a transfusion, patience would enter my body in soft, quiet waves.

Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go to Spain to speak at a missionary fireside on June 23. It would be a Saturday. I decided to buy my plane tickets the week before, on a Thursday. I was to leave Las Vegas on June 21 and arrive in Spain on the 22nd.

The night before I was to leave, a strange thing happened. I was in my home office printing my boarding passes late at night. Then I went upstairs to continue packing. Then a strange feeling came to me. I felt like I needed to go downstairs back to my office. As I walked to my desk, I suddenly stopped. I had a very CLEAR feeling come upon me....a strange clarity of thought that said: in a few moments, you will find your ipod. Those exact words came to me. I quickly made a visual scan of my small home office. I had looked everywhere--even behind the books in the library and in every box. I looked down on the floor where there were 3 small, black CD boxes. I had already looked in those boxes a few times. I thought, "No way." But I knew it. There were two of those boxes stacked together. I looked in the top box.  Nothing. Then I hurriedly opened the bottom box. And there they were: my ipod with the $300 Bose headset still attached to it.

I sat on my chair with my spirit completely in shock. Then I felt a sudden clarity again: God knows the right time. And He loves me. Tears suddenly filled my eyes as I pondered what just happened.

It isn't the fact that I found the ipod or my headset. It could have been a hat or...at one time, a ring. Or another useless item. But this experience underscored again to me that God is real and that the Spirit can teach us many profound matters that deal with the heart sometimes using the banal.

We are going through some trying and challenging times. I personally have been praying constantly for my loved ones and for some relief from the difficult times we are going through. But underneath all my pleadings, there is a constant clarity and reassurance that all will be restored...in God's own time. He is the author of all good things. And He is a God of order and light. All things come to His order. And He knows the right time for everything that is good. I also know that patience is a gift. It is an urging that comes from the Spirit. And I also know that hope comes from that same source. The loss of hope is congruent to a prideful spirit that resists that gift from the real source...from the the Spirit that brings hope and illumination to our lives. Hope does not come from us. Hope is a gift. And so is patience. And love. And faith. All these are gifts that come from the Spirit. And we are privy to these gifts but only when we are teachable, humble and willing.

Sometimes, when we fear, hope becomes dimmed. But the Spirit restores that hope when we seek it...if we want it. A life without hope is dark and it hardens our heart. But a life that is open to the urgings and promptings of the Spirit that cannot help but give us hope and the ability to see things far off is one that we must aspire to achieve. These are gifts we must strive to receive. And part of what we are privileged to ask for....what we are enjoined to receive when hands are placed upon our heads and we are confirmed as part of Christ's church. "Receive the Holy Ghost". Receive hope. Receive the gift of patience. Receive the gift of charity and love.

My ipod is really not important to me. In fact, I barely used it during the long 22 hour trip to Spain. But that moment as I stood in front of my desk....that moment when the Spirit told me that it would be found 'within a few moments'....when I finally found it----these experiences are miracles of God's love. And the ipod was just a tool to help execute an eternal lesson once again to me---that God knows me, that He knows my heart, that He hears my prayers. And most of all, it was another opportunity to recognize that familiar experience of hearing and feeling the Holy Ghost as He communicates to me that sudden stroke of knowledge and understanding. The more we hear Him, the better we get at listening. And I am so grateful that I can recognize His whisperings....though I do not always follow Him, I do know His voice.

God is real. And there is a Holy Ghost who can teach us things of the most profound imaginings--He can teach us how things connect and through these humble experiences, I can find how the atonement of Christ can constantly be active in my life.

My ipod may someday malfunction and quickly be obsolete. But the memory of this experience is just one of the many times that God has manifested His hand in my life....sometimes in ways that are magnificent and big....and many times, in ways that are easy to miss. These are some of the experiences that lift me up during times of darkness.....because I know that God is always there.