I was a serial girlfriend totally addicted to love. I loved the highs of pursuit---the power and exhilaration of having someone be in my thrall. I loved the sport of hunting for a boyfriend especially when he was SOMEONE ELSE'S boyfriend and then cockily giving myself "two weeks" to unlatch him from her and having him fall in love with me instead. I had never failed. As my list of conquests grew, I also made a lot of enemies. But I got a huge high from that risk. It was addicting. And numbing. It was ecstasy. Who needs drugs when the exhilaration one gets from being a serial girlfriend is just as intoxicating?
My list of serial relationships is shamefully too long. I don't even care to list them now which is a huge thing because I literally used to keep a running list as though it were a sterling queue of wondrous accomplishments. I understand this behaviour now. Crystal. And I know the drill---every step, every stage, every manipulation. It's a dizzying sense of power. But the irony is, while I felt powerful, I was really a slave to the highs of this addictive behaviour. And it was a choice I made....albeit foolishly. I had no one to define or clarify to me what I was doing. I simply got a lot of judgment. That's the insidious part of this kind of addiction. Everybody just realizes you're a jerk or simply a user.
Knowing all this, I feel ever so undeservedly blessed that this reckless addiction did not affect me in ways that prevented me from being trapped in situations that were irreversible. I am an undeserving survivor. I came out of this addiction unscathed and undoubtedly, wiser.
Just exactly what is this addiction? It's called 'falling in love'. It's ironic that the word 'fall' is used. The fall of Adam. The fall of Rome. The fall of civilization: as though it were inevitable. And it's accurate.
Being the movie buff that I've always been, I had my own ideas of what love is supposed to be. It's supposed to be that fiery, rapturous, intoxicating feeling---that feeling of butterflies and a physical reaction---when our toes curl and our bosom burns with yearning to be with that special someone who will make our lives finally be better, happier and complete. That's what Hollywood and books portray. And I wanted every bit of that.
But there is something irrational about this kind of love. "I love you but I'm not inlove with you" are words that are often used to describe and differentiate between simply 'loving' someone and being actually 'inlove'. Is there really a difference? And if so, which is the kind one must pursue?
Let me first define the terms here. Being 'inlove' is what I would call passionate love; the kind that feels euphoric, mystical, intoxicating. It's an intense longing to be with a certain someone--intense enough that it feels like a religious experience--a state of euphoria wherein we are transformed into a new person--someone who feels like belonging to that certain person--a feeling of rapture such that we feel that we are swept by a power stronger than ourselves and therefore outside the realm of who we really are. We see the person of our affections as someone who has power to make us happy and complete. We are obsessed by what the object of our affection can do for us---how perfect he is for us. We cannot see ourselves unless we are with that person. What we feel when we are with that person is our paramount concern and obsession.
Unfortunately, this is NOT a unique situation. Most of us know the drill: the initial bouyancy and lightness associated with the beginning of the phase of falling inlove--'walking on air' as we can describe it, the ensuing distraction and inability to focus on anything else, the super sensitivity to any small act or event that can be interpreted to be a sign favouring our attraction, the intense feeling of 'love' towards that person that gives us permission to put all other concerns in the back burner and the almost obsessive ability to emphasize any positive traits of the person we are falling inlove with and then viewing their negative traits as possibly even endearing. That's the first phase of a relationship exploration. Then when that phase settles down, we begin to really get to know each other in a more passive, calm, predictable way. Suddenly, things normalize and the highs of the 'falling' phase dissipate. Of course! When we fall, we always hit bottom. That's when the euphoria begins to disappear and we feel bored. Suddenly the relationship requires work. We begin to feel disillusioned. The things that used to endear us become annoyances. Then we start to miss that feeling of intoxicated rapture. We need another high. And the relationship suffers because now it's just work. That's when we realize we need to make a decision.
"To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus OUTSIDE ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his EGO to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty--the fulfillment of which brings true joy." (Pres. Thomas S. Monson)
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| The Manti Temple sealing room where we were sealed for all time and eternity. |
"Falling in love affects intellectual areas of the brain and triggers the same sensation of euphoria experienced by people when they take cocaine, researchers from Syracuse University reveal in an article in Journal of Sexual Medicine." (Medical News Today)
But loving another person in a more COMPASSIONATE way is a choice made outside of ourselves. We don't ask the question 'what can he do to make me happy?" because we know that happiness is a choice that we make and not incumbent on another person. It is a love rooted in the principles of a living a Christ-like life---using the mechanism of his atonement, both redemptive and enabling, to nourish and work towards a relationship similar to that of Christ and his people. Priesthood power is a necessity as well as a deep and abiding love for the Saviour because both man and woman understand the sacred order associated with the binding and sealing powers of the new and everlasting covenant. Loving someone becomes a CHOICE....an everyday choice within the banal, realistic visages of earthly life with a hope for eternal life clearly imprinted on our destination plate.
"Surrending our ego" as Pres. Monson has stated involves humility. When we are in the thrall of being 'inlove', humility is the last thing on our mind because we are simply carried away by these wondrous rapturous feelings. Humility---that is, being available to be taught by the Spirit, is difficult when we are constantly longing for that feeling of rapture---that feeling that we are now addicted to. Wondering and anticipating when we will feel that way again makes us oblivious to the ordinary miracles that may be already in front of us.
When my husband and I were contemplating marriage, his greatest fear was that he might, after making the choice to marry me, find 'a better car' alluding to his metaphor about buying a car and choosing a woman to marry. He was blind to the fact that after knowing each other for a year or so, and had become best friends that although he cared for me, he wasn't sure that he was 'inlove' with me. We have now been married 31 years and everyday has been a decision to love each other. Some days are easy. And some are not. But we are in harmony knowing that a relationship needs work. And happiness is really a choice that we make when we choose to think outside ourselves. As time goes by, loving each other is a lot easier and we find that without the other, we are simply lost--a testament that deciding to love each other invariably reaches a point were we really are a true unit--independent when apart but complete when together.
Tragically, our culture assumes that without this 'romantic, passionate love', a relationship simply is not worth it....that it is the single ingredient that makes a relationship achieve success. But I think that that is Satan's deception because when we find ourselves in a more direct, simple, uncomplicated relationship that seems so ordinary, we think that it is unacceptable---that having a more fiery, extraordinary relationship full of drama and euphoria is more exciting. That is a severe fallacy. Simply unsustainable fallacy. If we seek this sort of ship to sail with our love, then we have just bought a ticket out to sea on the Titanic.
"How do you choose a wife? I've heard a lot of young people from Brigham Young University and elsewhere say, "I've got to get a feeling of inspiration. I've got to get some revelation. I've got to fast and pray and get the Lord to manifest to me whom I should marry." Well, maybe it will be a little shock to you, but never in my life did I ever ask the Lord whom I ought to marry. It never occurred to me to ask him. I went out and found the girl I wanted; she suited me; I evaluated and weighed the proposition, and it just seemed a hundred percent to me as though this ought to be." (Bruce R. McConkie)
I know the above quote from Bruce R. McConkie is missing some context but I would greatly encourage you to read the full speech HERE. But what I garnered from this great talk is that choosing a spouse requires the following: 1) "Finding" or a search 2) Evaluation 3) Weighing the proposition. I would think that a search requires a list of suitable requirements. I mean, you just don't go to purchase a car without careful study. You must already know what you want and not let a 'falling inlove' event that enslaves you in its thrall to suddenly compromise your requirements! I do not need to list these requirements because that is all that church leaders talk about. Evaluation requires a set of empiricals that cannot be seen clearly wearing the rose-coloured spectacles of romantic anticipation. We must use our intellect to sort things out....to study it in our minds. And weighing the proposition requires a study of pros and cons until we reach a viable, clear realization that the choice we are making is a wise one. Evaluation and study also require counseling with our parents, the people who love us, our priesthood leaders....and then a clear mind to weigh all these things and then find a conclusion. Then we can make that decision. Amazingly, it is only AFTER we make the decision when things will feel right....or obviously uneasy because making a decision will suddenly create results. What a revelation! A decision is what creates results!!
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| Choose a path or go NOWHERE. |
What scares most young people is making that decision itself because making a decision means you get to close all other opportunities and if you are still starry-eyed and longing for the highs and euphoria of 'falling inlove' again, then you are white-knuckling through and perhaps will become too afraid to make a decision. Unfortunately, all decisions have an expiry date and not making a decision is tantamount to surrendering all your power. The decision will simply be made for you and you become powerless. A feckless, loser weakling---never really experiencing for yourself what courage feels like. It's alright to be afraid because without fear, your courage cannot be measured. But being paralyzed by fear is closing your eyes to all possibilities, to any vision or hope or to the opportunity to exercise faith.
The greatest realization about choosing someone to love is that when we choose to love, we choose to love a mere, ordinary mortal who has weaknesses and whose companionship is a paradox to us. As the relationship matures, the characteristics that we first found endearing to us become the same ones that annoy us. It then becomes a necessity to make the choice to continue to love. When we are passionately inlove, we choose to love angels and extraordinary creatures...until they transform to mere mortals and then we are disillusioned. Sometimes we reject them because we realize they do not fit our most important requirements. And then sometimes, we reject them because we simply want another hit....another high....not really seeing that this person actually has all the important requirements we used to deem important. So we really need to be honest with ourselves.
Finally, we must realize that a stable relationship emerges from the trials and challenges that two people have braved together. Love that is proven through time and distance is so very rare and exceptional and if you are blessed with this, take very good care that you do not devalue the miracle that it is. When I was a girl scout, we used to sing a song: Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. There is indeed some truth to that adage because the proof of time clearly has value that in our new day and age is severely undervalued because 'new' is always exciting and better. That is the new culture. How very sad.
Harmony is achieved through practice and a lot of missteps and miscues made whole and right. Many times it simply requires the banal. But when all voices work in tandem, harmony most beautiful is achieved. Compassionate love is like that---it's quiet, solemn and often invisible. It does not flaunt itself. It does not announce its presence. It is rooted in the humility that makes us teachable, not enslaved. We become creatures of the Spirit---together, as a celestial unit. And thus, it becomes necessary that each one has a belief system firmly rooted in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in the power of the sealing and marriage under the new and everlasting covenant. That steadfast sureness as a couple only shows itself in a calmness that is the complete opposite of the fireworks and electricity of 'falling inlove'. It is not the "I no longer miss you like before syndrome, or the "it's not as exciting anymore" banality, nor the feeling that it just can't go further because it stopped being exciting. That is precisely when the second phase begins....the now quiet time when the things that really matter need to shine-- the things that require work-- the fashioning of smooth stones from rough rocks. Work. Then the offering of ourselves to a God to touch that relationship with his Hand after we realize that the peace of finding someone with Christ-like qualities now overpower the rapture and excitement of physical attraction and the excitement of newness. It's a peace that defies the euphoria of romance. It's peace that comes from a decision made wisely and for a purpose more divine.
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| Shortly after our wedding in the Manti Temple, we had a taste of our cake. |
