The Spectre of Expectations

Everyone has expectations. Some are obvious. Some can be deceiving. Yet some can be hidden. We all expect something from others and we all expect some things to happen. After all, without expectation, there can be no hope. Living up to others' expectations can be a dangerous matter. After all, our PERCEPTION of what others expect from us may be totally different from the real truth. And where we are in our lives sometimes makes this paradox more complicated.

As a young woman, I perceived that my parents' expectations were unreasonable. I wanted to blaze my own path and in my need for independence, I felt that I wanted to do the opposite of what they expected...or rather, the opposite of what I PERCEIVED to be their expectations. My parents had high standards for me. After all, I was a national science scholar so I felt that they expected me to excel in school, get graduate degrees and then become some kind of high ranking corporate mover and shaker....cure cancer or make the world better....make headlines and have alphabet soup after my name.  And as Mormons, I was also expected to marry someone in the temple when there was no temple in the Philippines or anyone desirable to take me there. Everything seemed stupid to me. And unattainably overwhelming. So I just wanted to rebel. And why not? I did not want to deliver to them any degree or any success. I guess I was afraid to fail. Or simply wanted to be my own person..different from anyone's expectations. I just wanted to be me. Now I have no idea now in my old age what the hell that means but that was my rallying cry. I just want to be "me". Now, less than 4 years before I turn 60, I just want to be what my parents wanted me to be. Oh how I wish.

The truth of the matter is, this has been the cycle for eons---young people wanting so much to exert independence at any cost---even if the cost will hurt them in the long run. As young people we never seem to want to acquiesce to the possibility that our parents or others who have gone before us are right. Here's a novel idea: if man only had one life to live and if let's say, we tracked down what those who have lived a long life have learned during their lifespan, what would they teach us that can help us....that can spare us unnecessary difficulties and allow us a head start? And why wouldn't we want that advantage? Are we stupid enough to want to suffer because it's OUR suffering and we own it? What kind of garbage shit is that?

Here's an observation: as an Asian and also as a Mormon, I've observed that most parents want their children to learn to play a musical instrument. It's like a moral imperative to have our children learn to at least play the hymns on the piano. And some children take to the lessons....and then some absolutely hate it and at some time during their teen years, they decide that they don't want to play or take lessons anymore because it's such a bother and mom is such a nag for MAKING them take piano lessons. Well, I've never....NEVER ever heard anybody say, "I hate my mother for MAKING me take piano lessons." And I've heard so many people lament about how foolish they were not to take advantage of their parents' generosity. Or even sadly, others lament that they never even had the opportunity to learn at all.

But what if what our parents expect from us are simply what's BEST for us? Here's what I know:

1. A college degree is NEVER a waste. A graduate degree is a definite advantage.

2. Parents have seen more things than you have so they can spot potential problems that you can't see or refuse to consider. So if they warn you, don't marginalize that or get offended. Time lived on earth MATTERS.

3. Parents have more experience than our peers and can 'see' and even foresee things that our peers can't. I mean, why ask for advise from someone who's going through the same jungle? Why not ask the ones who know the way through it?

4. If a parent provides opportunities for learning, growth, development of any talent or ability, or any kind of help, BE GRATEFUL.

5. One day when you have children, you will also want the best for them....no matter how you interpret what's best for them....and you will be convinced that what you think is best for them IS what's best for them.

6. All parents expect to be appreciated.

7. All parents appreciate their own parents after being parents themselves. And when their parents are gone, they wish they were still around so they can ask their advise.

8. There's nothing wrong with wanting our children to excel. It's a moral imperative as a parent. Even God himself expects us to 'make our calling and election sure'. (2 Peter 1:10)

9. Do not be disappointed if your parents advice coincides with what the Spirit compels you to do. Often the need to assert independence may take precedence over doing what's right just because what your parents advised you to do is actually what you should do and you don't want it to be right because you don't want to do what your parents advise you to do. RESIST this temptation. It is merely your own pride.

10. So what's wrong if your parents want you to have everything or expect you to be successful financially? Or expect you to excel? Or expect the best from you? Is that bad?

What I discovered is that in my old age, I just want a re-do and do the things my parents expected me to do. I wish I studied better. I wish I didn't goof off. I wish I had taken advantage of their sacrifices that allowed me to study abroad. I wish I had enjoyed their generosity and been more grateful. I wish I had seen that they are just humans...people trying to do their best with what they have been allotted in life. I wish I didn't have to ride my moral high horse so high. I wish I had tried harder. I wish I got that degree. I wish I didn't judge them so harshly. And now that I am old, I long to hear their stories and want so much to understand them as people....as my equal.

Expectations allow us to soar. It's a matter of attitude. We can change the world by adjusting how we view it. Life on earth is so precious that there must not be any waste longing for things that we don't have because the Lord has already given us so much. What we need to inspect and continue to assess and evaluate is how we are using the resources that we already have...to see the miracles and the divine providence of God in our lives. There are no accidents and coincidences. Even the challenges we have are there to refine us. And what we already hold in our hands may be the key to our full potential. With the balance of my life, I hope I can still fulfill those expectations that will allow me to excel and fulfill the full measure of my creation.

2258 F. Aragon Sta Ana, Manila. The five door apartment we used to own. We lived on the far left.

Me and Ellen, my sister. I am sitting on the chair and wearing my blue uniform. I am missing my grey tie. Ellen is wearing a pink uniform with a white collar and tie. This was the uniform for the Ellinwood Church Kindergarten School. I am in first grade at the Union Elementary School, Philippine Christian College. Our schools were across the street from each other. I am six years old and Ellen is 5. 

Performing in the USS Midway with Steven Boothe. I learned to play the guitar by myself and got so good that it allowed me to travel the world with BYU-Hawaii. My father set me up to learn from other musicians and taught me how to listen so I can play chords by ear. He had such huge plans for me. (July 1975. I was 19 years old)

Since my parents did not have sons, I was always expected to serve a mission. That was one expectation I was happy to have accomplished. It served me well. I was the first Filipino national to enter the MTC and the first Filipino to serve in Europe. This was taken in Logroño, Spain where I served 7 months. Happily.

Here I am a new mother with weeks old Jordan. On my face you can see how happy I was....how I had dreams and expectations that the baby I had in my arms will change the world. I think all mothers feel that way about their children. I can't imagine not having any dreams for my children. And conversely, I think its our responsibility as children to deal with that phenomenon in a manner that breeds joy and appreciation because the alternative is unthinkable....and sad. Its our responsibility to use this phenomenon to empower us instead of approach it as a millstone around our necks--or as an excuse to punish our parents for having dreams that are impossible to attain.

London By Default

Kurt and I were just about ready to leave our hotel room in Mission Viejo, CA at around 9:45am when Hannah and Tascha called. I actually can't remember if they called or I did but they were both on my mind that morning because I knew they were about to board their plane to London for their much anticipated sisters' trip. And Kurt and I were in Orange County for a little get away because I was feeling very overwhelmed by events of the week. Tascha was very sick--nauseated, weak, chills, diarrhea, cramps. There was no way she was going to make that flight and they were going to be boarding in 30 minutes. Hannah didn't know what to do. I had to make a quick decision. So I told Tascha not to board the flight and instructed Hannah to go ahead and make the flight and I will get to London as soon as I can to meet her on the next available flight. Hannah began to cry. I did not even know that I could do that. I didn't even think about a passport. I had already packed for the weekend so the worst part of packing was done...which involved cosmetics and such. But I had no idea if I can even get a flight out...or how soon. But there was a definite clarity about my quick decision as though I could see in my mind's eye that there was a seat on a particular flight just for me. I told Hannah to take a London cab to the hotel and wait for me there and I will be there as soon as I can. Things just happened quickly. I found a flight for 8:45pm which would get me in London by 3:30pm the next day. I knew Hannah would arrive that morning so I was relieved. I was even able to choose an aisle seat because the timing was perfect since seats were released 24 hours before the flight and I booked early enough within that time frame. Then Kurt and I drove the 4 1/2 hours back home--just enough time for me to pull some underwear, a couple more shirts and grab my passport. Luckily, Kurt still had some Euros and British pounds from our trip last year. While I got my stuff together, Kurt ran to the drugstore to refill my prescriptions and get some cash. Then I found myself on a British Airways direct flight to London Heathrow. And it happened that quickly. I did not even check the weather.

Hannah happily shows off her Cath Kidston purchase and a giant macaron at the St. Pancras Train Station in London.

When I got to the hotel about 7 hours after Hannah arrived, Hannah wasn't there and there was no message other than 3 voice messages from Kurt. Apparently, she had tried to check in early in the morning and the room was not ready so she left her suitcase and then went on her way. So I checked in and thought maybe I can walk over to the BYU center to check if Hannah was there. As I was walking back to the lift after depositing my luggage in the room, the lift doors opened and out walks Hannah!! I was so happy to see her. She had found a singles ward that met at 2pm and single-handedly, without even a place to refresh, found the meetinghouse! But it took a lot of doing---from finding a net-cafe, to finding an affordable place to get a skirt, to finding the meetinghouse itself. And it was a long walk to and from!! What a resourceful, wonderful young lady she is!! And since it was Easter Sunday, it was so much more meaningful that she made an effort to go to church.

So we had a fabulous time in London. We also went to Paris and when we got there, it was so cold and rainy. Of course, I had NO warm clothes. I did not even give any thought to checking the weather before I left Vegas. I only had 1 pair of jeans and I wore that out all week!! At least I had a pair of boots. Despite the rain, wind and cold, Hannah and I still took the metro and had crepes near the Eiffel Tower, took pictures at the Trocadero, spent some time at the Louvre, had some dinner at a croissanterie and even shopped at Galeries Lafayette with a special stop at Pierre Hermes to get 12 flavours of macarons...two of each!! We spent a good time in our quaint Parisian hotel room just a few blocks away from the Republique circle eating our macarons!

Our quaint Parisian hotel room. Very sparse but super clean with comfy beds and wonderful linen!

Macaron Madness!!! Paris, France April 2012

More pictures:

The fabulous view from our room in Paris!! Buildings from La Belle Epoque.

Our hotel is called The Paris France hotel. At $140 a night, it was a steal! And the location was fabulous---with two metro stops close by. Below is Hannah waiting for our metro. This was our first metro ride the day we arrived in Paris. I prayed when we left London that we would find a nice and fair cab driver in Paris. And we did. The taxi line was long from the station but our cab was SUPER clean, our driver was super decent, dressed so nicely and got us to our hotel quickly. I gave him a nice tip. He was African and his cab smelled so good. We were so grateful especially because it was raining. After that cab ride, we used the super efficient Paris metro system even to our final station to board the Eurostar back to London. We love Paris and anytime is a good time for Paris!!

Just a few steps from our hotel and across from the Republique circle, we found this awesome store called TATI. Of course, that's what I call Natascha so I got Hannah to pose below the name.

A few steps past Tati is the Republique and then to the right of it, the metro stop. Here's Hannah by the Republique.

We went to the Eiffel Tower. (Champs Mars) and took pictures.

And then had crepes to order. (Nutella with banana) Yum.

And then went to the Trocadero for a better shot of the tower.

Then we went to the Louvre,

....and posed.

And I made Hannah pose in front of one of my favorite paintings....just because it's so sad and sentimental. Si tragicque!! 

And then whilst traipsing in the metro tunnels, we found this awesome poster!! Our name is famous in France!! Yipppeeeee!!!

And the next day, we boarded our nice Eurostar train to go back to London. The station in Paris was not as nice as the one in London. But I think they had better snacks. Below is Hannah with her dinner: some kind of veal loaf, cous cous, salmon and a very yummy chocolate dessert with bits of praline.

We had so much fun in London. We even got to watch a nice musical called Ghost based upon the Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze movie. It was a bit cheesy but we both shed a few tears anyway. Hey! We're in London! We can be emotional at the theatre! Below is Hannah as we got off our tube stop on our way to St. Pauls' Cathedral which is just across from the Millennial bridge which we were going to cross to get to the Tate Moderne Museum.

And again below is Hannah in one of the rooms at the Tate with this awesome art made by a Korean artist whose name escapes me. But it's spectacular.

And here's me at the St. Paul's Cathedral. In all of my pictures, I am wearing this jacket which is the only 'warm' thing I packed. It sure was cold but somehow, it didn't matter so much because I was having the most wonderful time with Hannah!

We did have some time to shop. We went to Primark. Hahaha!! The first time I went there this time, I got claustrophobic and started seeing spots before my eyes. I thought I was going to pass out. It was shoulder to shoulder people in one crowded contained, enclosed space. So I didn't fare very well. But the second time we went, I was fully prepared. I took a xanax and did well. Hannah made some awesome purchases. Hannah also took me to the Borough Market where there were so many types of breads, cheeses and all kinds of wondrous food products! Well, it wasn't the Boqueria in Barcelona but it was interesting.... we bought the most wondrous olive oil with white truffles and some gooseberry and elderflower jam. PLUS we got some goat milk ice cream and even when it was wet and cold, Hannah and I still enjoyed eating the ice cream. And I got to take this nifty photo of Hannah by these poor dead bunnies.

Hannah enjoying her goat milk ice cream in a waffle cone.

On our last day in London, we walked over to Kensington Park and had lunch at the Kensington Orangerie. I had fabulous lamb and Hannah had the beet salad which I have to say, was delectable. For dessert, I had the Queen Victoria cake but Hannah's dessert was the best: she had the Eton Mess---a wondrous concoction of whipped cream, bits of meringue and fresh strawberries. Yum. After that meal, we walked over to Notting Hill and to Portobello Road where we got some awesome scarves...and some cupcakes from Hummingbird Cakery.

Sometimes things happen that we totally don't expect. When we got the phone call from the girls, I had to make a quick decision. I am grateful that we have the means for me to just get on a plane to London at the drop of a hat and that I have a passport. Ironically, I was already packed. I did fly coach but it was a direct flight and I was even lucky to get a seat on such short notice. Everything just worked out smoothly. And so I cannot help but think that when things happen, it is good to be prepared. In fact, if we lengthen our stride, we will realize that when unexpected things happen, the Lord does equip us with the wherewithal and ability to overcome challenges and find solutions. And also when unexpected events happen, it is a good thing to roll with the punches and try and make the most of the situation-- to be positive and find joy even in the most unexpected, most challenging times. As it was, Tascha stayed in Provo and it was providential. Her boyfriend got sick and then later during the week, his grandmother died unexpectedly. It was during this week that she and Jared went through some challenges and thus from those challenges, opportunities for an improved and more meaningful relationship were borne. Their relationship is stronger and has reached a new level after having gone through this particular week of personal revelations and realizations. If Tascha had gone to London, those wonderful events might have not happened....or at best, might have been delayed.

And while I had no plans or aspirations to be in London, I found myself suddenly there with my daughter and that week to me was such a revelation in so many different ways. I've discovered many things about myself and about being a mother. Some of these discoveries are frustrating and can really drag me down--realizing for example, how overbearing I can be. Or how overprotective I can be. Or how old and decrepit my body has become. Some revelations are hard to accept. Like realizing that I can be irritating. But then again, I also realized that I can take on the day even when I don't feel like doing or going anywhere...especially when the first two days in London and first day in Paris were dismally drearily wet, cold and...cold and I was so ill-prepared and did not have the right warm clothes. The weather really made me feel a bit defeated. But I fought those feelings and just went out and enjoyed every thing we could see and do. I remembered what it was like when I was young and could go anywhere fearing nothing. That was a good remembrance. Sometimes I feel like my daughter still views me as her enemy. And sometimes, I feel like a millstone around her neck. But I'm her mother and I can't change that. Someday, I hope that I won't feel that way.

London by default in April of 2012 was another revelation. I am still processing the many things I experienced and discovered. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand and can just be a non-mother. But I don't know what that means....or entails. Sometimes I feel so marginalized and unappreciated. And sometimes, I feel stupid. But I try to rise above these feelings. And it's a fight. And I hope to win it someday.

Eating a giant macaron at the St Pancras Station in London.