The Spectre of Expectations

Everyone has expectations. Some are obvious. Some can be deceiving. Yet some can be hidden. We all expect something from others and we all expect some things to happen. After all, without expectation, there can be no hope. Living up to others' expectations can be a dangerous matter. After all, our PERCEPTION of what others expect from us may be totally different from the real truth. And where we are in our lives sometimes makes this paradox more complicated.

As a young woman, I perceived that my parents' expectations were unreasonable. I wanted to blaze my own path and in my need for independence, I felt that I wanted to do the opposite of what they expected...or rather, the opposite of what I PERCEIVED to be their expectations. My parents had high standards for me. After all, I was a national science scholar so I felt that they expected me to excel in school, get graduate degrees and then become some kind of high ranking corporate mover and shaker....cure cancer or make the world better....make headlines and have alphabet soup after my name.  And as Mormons, I was also expected to marry someone in the temple when there was no temple in the Philippines or anyone desirable to take me there. Everything seemed stupid to me. And unattainably overwhelming. So I just wanted to rebel. And why not? I did not want to deliver to them any degree or any success. I guess I was afraid to fail. Or simply wanted to be my own person..different from anyone's expectations. I just wanted to be me. Now I have no idea now in my old age what the hell that means but that was my rallying cry. I just want to be "me". Now, less than 4 years before I turn 60, I just want to be what my parents wanted me to be. Oh how I wish.

The truth of the matter is, this has been the cycle for eons---young people wanting so much to exert independence at any cost---even if the cost will hurt them in the long run. As young people we never seem to want to acquiesce to the possibility that our parents or others who have gone before us are right. Here's a novel idea: if man only had one life to live and if let's say, we tracked down what those who have lived a long life have learned during their lifespan, what would they teach us that can help us....that can spare us unnecessary difficulties and allow us a head start? And why wouldn't we want that advantage? Are we stupid enough to want to suffer because it's OUR suffering and we own it? What kind of garbage shit is that?

Here's an observation: as an Asian and also as a Mormon, I've observed that most parents want their children to learn to play a musical instrument. It's like a moral imperative to have our children learn to at least play the hymns on the piano. And some children take to the lessons....and then some absolutely hate it and at some time during their teen years, they decide that they don't want to play or take lessons anymore because it's such a bother and mom is such a nag for MAKING them take piano lessons. Well, I've never....NEVER ever heard anybody say, "I hate my mother for MAKING me take piano lessons." And I've heard so many people lament about how foolish they were not to take advantage of their parents' generosity. Or even sadly, others lament that they never even had the opportunity to learn at all.

But what if what our parents expect from us are simply what's BEST for us? Here's what I know:

1. A college degree is NEVER a waste. A graduate degree is a definite advantage.

2. Parents have seen more things than you have so they can spot potential problems that you can't see or refuse to consider. So if they warn you, don't marginalize that or get offended. Time lived on earth MATTERS.

3. Parents have more experience than our peers and can 'see' and even foresee things that our peers can't. I mean, why ask for advise from someone who's going through the same jungle? Why not ask the ones who know the way through it?

4. If a parent provides opportunities for learning, growth, development of any talent or ability, or any kind of help, BE GRATEFUL.

5. One day when you have children, you will also want the best for them....no matter how you interpret what's best for them....and you will be convinced that what you think is best for them IS what's best for them.

6. All parents expect to be appreciated.

7. All parents appreciate their own parents after being parents themselves. And when their parents are gone, they wish they were still around so they can ask their advise.

8. There's nothing wrong with wanting our children to excel. It's a moral imperative as a parent. Even God himself expects us to 'make our calling and election sure'. (2 Peter 1:10)

9. Do not be disappointed if your parents advice coincides with what the Spirit compels you to do. Often the need to assert independence may take precedence over doing what's right just because what your parents advised you to do is actually what you should do and you don't want it to be right because you don't want to do what your parents advise you to do. RESIST this temptation. It is merely your own pride.

10. So what's wrong if your parents want you to have everything or expect you to be successful financially? Or expect you to excel? Or expect the best from you? Is that bad?

What I discovered is that in my old age, I just want a re-do and do the things my parents expected me to do. I wish I studied better. I wish I didn't goof off. I wish I had taken advantage of their sacrifices that allowed me to study abroad. I wish I had enjoyed their generosity and been more grateful. I wish I had seen that they are just humans...people trying to do their best with what they have been allotted in life. I wish I didn't have to ride my moral high horse so high. I wish I had tried harder. I wish I got that degree. I wish I didn't judge them so harshly. And now that I am old, I long to hear their stories and want so much to understand them as people....as my equal.

Expectations allow us to soar. It's a matter of attitude. We can change the world by adjusting how we view it. Life on earth is so precious that there must not be any waste longing for things that we don't have because the Lord has already given us so much. What we need to inspect and continue to assess and evaluate is how we are using the resources that we already have...to see the miracles and the divine providence of God in our lives. There are no accidents and coincidences. Even the challenges we have are there to refine us. And what we already hold in our hands may be the key to our full potential. With the balance of my life, I hope I can still fulfill those expectations that will allow me to excel and fulfill the full measure of my creation.

2258 F. Aragon Sta Ana, Manila. The five door apartment we used to own. We lived on the far left.

Me and Ellen, my sister. I am sitting on the chair and wearing my blue uniform. I am missing my grey tie. Ellen is wearing a pink uniform with a white collar and tie. This was the uniform for the Ellinwood Church Kindergarten School. I am in first grade at the Union Elementary School, Philippine Christian College. Our schools were across the street from each other. I am six years old and Ellen is 5. 

Performing in the USS Midway with Steven Boothe. I learned to play the guitar by myself and got so good that it allowed me to travel the world with BYU-Hawaii. My father set me up to learn from other musicians and taught me how to listen so I can play chords by ear. He had such huge plans for me. (July 1975. I was 19 years old)

Since my parents did not have sons, I was always expected to serve a mission. That was one expectation I was happy to have accomplished. It served me well. I was the first Filipino national to enter the MTC and the first Filipino to serve in Europe. This was taken in Logroño, Spain where I served 7 months. Happily.

Here I am a new mother with weeks old Jordan. On my face you can see how happy I was....how I had dreams and expectations that the baby I had in my arms will change the world. I think all mothers feel that way about their children. I can't imagine not having any dreams for my children. And conversely, I think its our responsibility as children to deal with that phenomenon in a manner that breeds joy and appreciation because the alternative is unthinkable....and sad. Its our responsibility to use this phenomenon to empower us instead of approach it as a millstone around our necks--or as an excuse to punish our parents for having dreams that are impossible to attain.