The Culture of Suffering

 
THE CULTURE OF SUFFERING

I was having lunch with our business manager yesterday at a very chic French restaurant called "Bon Jour" to discuss various design options for our office. It is now about 70% completed. We had just inspected the huge giant glass wall that will separate the conference room from the reception room with the glass artist who will be etching the design I had conceived. He had begun to measure where the design should go and I decided that I wanted him to change the proportions. We were all thrilled that it was all starting to come together. 

During lunch, we began to discuss the costs involved in selecting furniture for the office. The space is 6400 square feet and there are over 20 offices, 2 conference rooms, the reception area, three bathrooms, 5 secretarial "cubbies", a breakroom and a huge storage room where we will install a system of floor to ceiling shelves that will roll across the length of the room like accordion folds. I have begun to select and order the fine details that will make the office unique---depression green glass cabinet knobs and pulls, fine carved brass door handles, light sconces....and now I have to choose furniture and artwork for the walls.


We may have to hire a designer for the other details that I don't have a knack for, like ergonomic work spaces and such. I had mentioned that I know my limitations and reluctantly admitted to my lunch companion that my husband actually hired an interior decorator from Ethan Allen, despite my protestations, to come to my house to design my family room space and how difficult it is for me to get rid of my huge leather couch and chaise lounge that clearly do not go with the flow of that room in any way---be it color, form or style. It has been driving me crazy since we moved into our new home over 5 years ago and this gives me a very uneasy feeling. She asked me why it is taking me so long to fix this and I said: GUILT. Yes, I am laden with guilt. And fear. I said that I don't think I can afford it. And her eyes got huge and she let out a sudden gush of shock. "Don't you know that you can afford that? How did you think you got to build your building? Don't you remember how we had a line of banks wanting us to use their services? Do you think they'd be doing that because we don't have the finances in place? They were fighting over us! Then she asked me: what do you want done to make your life easier? So I gave her a wishlist: a housekeeper to come a least once a week, a personal assistant, a good cosmetic surgeon (hahahaha!! but not really...) etc, etc, mostly stupid stuff that I thought funny... but not really. She said she'll look into all that and make it happen for me. I was dumbfounded. And she said: You can afford it. Believe me. I know how much you make. Well of course she does! She participates in our profit-sharing! But I had no idea until she gave me a clearer picture. 

And I am even more laden with guilt now. Guilt that I have some resources. Guilt that I now have more financial freedom than I thought. Guilt that I can now afford to do things that most people can't. Guilt that I should be doing something noble and I'm not. And fear. Fear that other people will judge me harshly. Fear that I might suddenly metamorphose into one of those idiots I see lunching with their other idiot friends who all look bored and have nothing to do but talk behind each others backs. Fear that if I don't comport myself well, this will all be taken away. And the biggest fear of all: fear that some of my friends and loved ones will hate us and judge us harshly---which some already do anyway. I mean, I know some family members who would love nothing than to see us fall flat on our faces because it will justify their disdain for us. Why? Because they live the culture of suffering.

The culture of suffering is what I call it. That's the belief that in order to be a righteous and God-fearing person, one MUST embrace suffering. It is the kind of culture that believes that in order to attain some measure of respectability and integrity, their lives must consist of struggles and most of all, sacrifices. They like to sacrifice anything that is not required of them to sacrifice anyway. Sometimes, in their quest, they sacrifice their own families, their happiness, their freedoms haplessly, inadvertently and worst of all, needlessly. Now I am not against adversity but I do believe that one does not need to be looking for adversity because life comes already packaged with enough challenges, pain, suffering and difficulties. But the culture of suffering judges people who may actually "enjoy" and rejoice in their successes as haughty and prideful people. I think I am tainted with some of this culture of suffering because the guilt I feel won't allow me to relax and enjoy the peaks and perks that life can sometimes offer and also gives me the permission to wallow in strife and deny the blessings that come to me. It is a delicate balance. 

Sudden wealth and privilege can be daunting. Some think that it can make you happier. The truth is, if you are a miserable person when you had little money, you will still be miserable otherwise. You will still have the same angst, the same fears. I used to fear running out of money when I was on a tight budget and I used to fear spending. I still fear running out of money and I still fear spending. I wish I had rejoiced in the past because I had some money to spend and pay my bills---then I can be really enjoying my freedoms now. But I don't. It almost seems like you have to break a thick barrier to get to the next tier. And you can't get to the next tier unless you break that barrier. But you HAVE TO get there because otherwise, you'd just be plain stagnant....and you WILL feel it. You will feel that urge to keep improving yourself...and your lot.

The biggest hurdle is when you feel that you have to justify your success. When we purchased our first MBenz, one of my husband's relative asked: how much did this set you back? We shot back another wisecrack. But yes, every time I purchase something, I have to preface it with, "it was on sale" or "I had to dig in the clearance box for this", or " they practically gave it to me"---when nothing could be further from the truth. I feel like I have to apologize every time we travel or vacation somewhere. 

Life can be such a funny and complicated ride. I know I make it that way sometimes. But my new goal is to be joyful and most of all, not worry about those who enjoy diminishing or devaluing our triumphs. I will keep those friends who rejoice in our successes and lift us up when we are down and avoid those who want to hold us back. My goal is to always have a grateful heart and a sensitivity to others' needs. Most of all, I want to break away from the culture of suffering because it is the devil who wants us to suffer. If we embrace suffering, we embrace darkness. The God I know wants us to be happy, to rejoice in His blessings, to seek Him in all things.

Missing Tagalog

I served a full-time LDS mission in Spain and spoke Castillian Spanish for a year and a half. Half of those months, I had a Spanish companion. It was a total immersion in the language and culture of the country. About 12 months into this, I literally ran into my first Filipino. She took a look at me and with a gush of excitement asked, "Filipino?" I replied, "Si, soy!" She asked me if I spoke Tagalog. I replied " Si, por supuesto!" She asked me where I was from. I answered, "Yo soy de Manila. Y tu?" She asked me again, "Marunong ka bang managalog?" To which I replied, "Si! Claro que si!" I did not realize I wasn't speaking Tagalog and when it hit me that I was speaking Spanish all the time, my brain tried to shift gears and I found myself stuck for a moment. "Dame un momentito que se me traba la lengua!" It took me a few moments to get going in Tagalog. This was a totally new experience for me. It was very strange to be speaking Tagalog for the first few minutes. Unexpectedly, the shift took some effort.



Last Saturday, while shopping at Dillards, one of the sales reps asked me if I was Chinese. I said that I was Filipino. She then asked me if I spoke Tagalog and I said, "Yes! Of course!" But then, with Hannah by me who didn't speak a word, and not knowing this other lady in any way, I was stuck in some sort of twilight zone of the tongue. It felt weird to speak to her in Tagalog in the middle of a fun banter between me and my daughter. So I told her, that I spoke Tagalog fluently but that it takes me a while to get warmed up. Which wasn't really true because when I'm with my Filipino friends, there's no hesitation and I'm there. But it was true only in this particular situation. I find myself more and more in this particular situation.



I have been married to an American for nearly 26 years. He speaks no Tagalog. None of my children speak Tagalog. I have no Tagalog-speaking neighbors. I am the only Filipino in the church that I attend. And I have no Filipino friends around me. I left my homeland 2 weeks after I turned 19...alone...while I attended a US college in Hawaii. And though I had a small cadre of Filipino friends, most of my comings and goings were in English. My very deep and intimate relationships were always with non-Tagalog speaking people. And as time marched on, I found myself speaking Tagalog less and less. It has been English 24/7 for me. And suddenly, I find myself longing for those subleties and nuances that can only be experienced in Tagalog. Here are some that I truly miss hearing...and saying.



1. Hoy. I love to say that. And I love to hear that. It's feels so intimate to me when someone who cares about me calls out to me in a soft, malambing way..."Hoy! Dito ka muna sa tabi ko" or, "Hoy, ano ka ba? Mag-shopping tayo!"

2. Bahala na. Someone told me that "bahala na' is a contraction of "Bathala na". I don't know if that's true. But 'whatever happens happens' is a poor translation. I sometimes long to hear someone say to me: "Ay, ano pa ba ang inaalala mo---bahala na,'day!" It feels like faith...and hope and all things will turn out exactly the way it should...that is, in our favor. It's like having God always be on your side.

3. Tara na! This phrase holds so much promise of adventure to me. It means, "I love to be with you so let's get going!"

4. Kain na! I love this phrase! Especially when you go to someone's house. They don't say, "how are you?" or "It's great to see you!". They say, "kain na!" It means warmth. It means welcome. It means that all they have is yours too. I love that.

5. Nauulol ka ba? Hahahaha! I used to say this a lot and now I can't coz there's no one to say it to. And no one can appreciate it the way good Pinoy friends can. It just doesn't exist the same way between English speaking friends. "Are you nuts?" is NOT an equivalent.

6. Wawa ka naman. Wish I could hear this sometimes. It feels like an extended hand. It feels like someone shares my sorrows or frustrations in a very big way. But at the same time, it also feels like "get off your soapbox". So it's a hug, a lift and a sharp push at the same time.



I can think of many others but these are the ones that stick out right now. I am flying out to San Francisco in 2 days and I can't wait to be with my posse from Philippine Science High School. I can speak Tagalog ALL DAY. And I will get energized, rejuvenated and elevated. I can't hardly wait.