Missing Tagalog

I served a full-time LDS mission in Spain and spoke Castillian Spanish for a year and a half. Half of those months, I had a Spanish companion. It was a total immersion in the language and culture of the country. About 12 months into this, I literally ran into my first Filipino. She took a look at me and with a gush of excitement asked, "Filipino?" I replied, "Si, soy!" She asked me if I spoke Tagalog. I replied " Si, por supuesto!" She asked me where I was from. I answered, "Yo soy de Manila. Y tu?" She asked me again, "Marunong ka bang managalog?" To which I replied, "Si! Claro que si!" I did not realize I wasn't speaking Tagalog and when it hit me that I was speaking Spanish all the time, my brain tried to shift gears and I found myself stuck for a moment. "Dame un momentito que se me traba la lengua!" It took me a few moments to get going in Tagalog. This was a totally new experience for me. It was very strange to be speaking Tagalog for the first few minutes. Unexpectedly, the shift took some effort.



Last Saturday, while shopping at Dillards, one of the sales reps asked me if I was Chinese. I said that I was Filipino. She then asked me if I spoke Tagalog and I said, "Yes! Of course!" But then, with Hannah by me who didn't speak a word, and not knowing this other lady in any way, I was stuck in some sort of twilight zone of the tongue. It felt weird to speak to her in Tagalog in the middle of a fun banter between me and my daughter. So I told her, that I spoke Tagalog fluently but that it takes me a while to get warmed up. Which wasn't really true because when I'm with my Filipino friends, there's no hesitation and I'm there. But it was true only in this particular situation. I find myself more and more in this particular situation.



I have been married to an American for nearly 26 years. He speaks no Tagalog. None of my children speak Tagalog. I have no Tagalog-speaking neighbors. I am the only Filipino in the church that I attend. And I have no Filipino friends around me. I left my homeland 2 weeks after I turned 19...alone...while I attended a US college in Hawaii. And though I had a small cadre of Filipino friends, most of my comings and goings were in English. My very deep and intimate relationships were always with non-Tagalog speaking people. And as time marched on, I found myself speaking Tagalog less and less. It has been English 24/7 for me. And suddenly, I find myself longing for those subleties and nuances that can only be experienced in Tagalog. Here are some that I truly miss hearing...and saying.



1. Hoy. I love to say that. And I love to hear that. It's feels so intimate to me when someone who cares about me calls out to me in a soft, malambing way..."Hoy! Dito ka muna sa tabi ko" or, "Hoy, ano ka ba? Mag-shopping tayo!"

2. Bahala na. Someone told me that "bahala na' is a contraction of "Bathala na". I don't know if that's true. But 'whatever happens happens' is a poor translation. I sometimes long to hear someone say to me: "Ay, ano pa ba ang inaalala mo---bahala na,'day!" It feels like faith...and hope and all things will turn out exactly the way it should...that is, in our favor. It's like having God always be on your side.

3. Tara na! This phrase holds so much promise of adventure to me. It means, "I love to be with you so let's get going!"

4. Kain na! I love this phrase! Especially when you go to someone's house. They don't say, "how are you?" or "It's great to see you!". They say, "kain na!" It means warmth. It means welcome. It means that all they have is yours too. I love that.

5. Nauulol ka ba? Hahahaha! I used to say this a lot and now I can't coz there's no one to say it to. And no one can appreciate it the way good Pinoy friends can. It just doesn't exist the same way between English speaking friends. "Are you nuts?" is NOT an equivalent.

6. Wawa ka naman. Wish I could hear this sometimes. It feels like an extended hand. It feels like someone shares my sorrows or frustrations in a very big way. But at the same time, it also feels like "get off your soapbox". So it's a hug, a lift and a sharp push at the same time.



I can think of many others but these are the ones that stick out right now. I am flying out to San Francisco in 2 days and I can't wait to be with my posse from Philippine Science High School. I can speak Tagalog ALL DAY. And I will get energized, rejuvenated and elevated. I can't hardly wait.