Lately, I've been thinking about this question: Do parents have favorites? The Bible is replete with stories of parents with favorites. Jacob (Israel) favored Joseph. Isaac favored Jacob over Esau. Even God favored Abel over Cain. Does God play favorites? I think he loves us all the same. With others, he may be disappointed because of the choices that they make. But I am not talking about children who misbehave. I am merely musing about parents who favor a certain child regardless.
Growing up, I never felt that my parents played favorites. I guess it never mattered to me one way or the other. Or perhaps because they simply treated us the same. I'd like to think that they loved us equally...and fairly. Then again, I DO have a favourite child. Well, my favourite child is the one who doesn't give me much trouble and is always kind and loving to me--the one who offers me no challenges....at the moment. That changes. But then again, the child who has my attention is the one I worry about the most--the one who is having challenges. So it would also stand to reason that that child would be the favourite right? Whoever gets the most attention and stress? The one I worry about day and night? What the heck does a favourite child look like anyway?
I am not questioning whether parents love one child more than the other. I am merely thinking that perhaps some parents SHOW their affection easily with some more than others. One thing I do know, a child always needs to feel that they are loved.
I can honestly say that I don't have a favorite child. Sure, there are a couple of children who seem to be more like me. And others communicate better than others. Others are my opposite but complement me so that I feel safe and assured with them. Each one is an individual and each one needs something different at any given time. Some are more sensitive than others. Some demand more attention than others. The safe explanation is that I love them ALL the same but treat each one of them differently. Of course, each one is a different individual. And as a parent, I have to be mindful that sometimes, those who seem distant are the ones who really need me. Here are some common sense rules that I've discovered that MUST be followed to achieve harmony among the children---
1, Never speak ill of any child. NEVER EVER EVER. It is a destructive force when parents make thoughtless comments about one sibling for another sibling to hear. It spawns divisiveness. It destroys. It sabotages.
2. NEVER compare a child over another. This is just common sense. Conversely, be very careful when you thoughtlessly gush about one of your children to another. While it is a good thing to talk about how wonderful things are going with your child's sibling, it is paramount to your child to give him/her the blessing of YOUR time together---be interested in his/her life. When you are talking to one of your children one on one, he/she needs to be the center of your attention----he or she needs to be the most important child during his/her time with you. It just doesn't make sense when for instance, one of your children call you and you prattle continuously about how wonderful his/her other siblings are and then you've completely forgotten to ask how he/she is doing or taken an interest in her/his life. That just sucks. Be interested in ALL your children especially the one you're with. Ask them about their life, their week, their work.....
3. NEVER entertain gossip. Do not let a sibling speak ill about another. Gossip creates chasms. ANd it is a bad habit that becomes an entertaining sport among family members. It sometimes becomes a pastime---a common bond between family members---when they sit together and gripe, gossip, complain and find fault among each other. In due time, no one will know how to have a conversation without these elements. And then feuds begin...where no one will ever remember how they started.
4. NEVER EVER gossip or speak ill about an in-law. It reeks. It is rank. It is just pure evil.
5. Encourage each other to help one another. Encourage kindness, gentleness, support by using words and phrases that convey appreciation. Here are words that build and show love: Thank you. Please. Tell me about it. I'm interested in what you have to say. What do you think about...? I am so proud of you. Sit with me and tell me about your week..
6. Always have healthy, frank discussions about your concerns and learn to convey these in a way that is not critical, demeaning or adversarial.
7. Apologize quickly when you've said a boo-boo. You'll know it. You'll feel it when you've said something in a thoughtless, insensitive manner. Apologize as quickly as possible.
8. NEVER EVER demean, criticize or discredit an in-law. To do so would be severing the ties that bind you to your children. LOVE them as you would your own children. Unconditionally. They may be imperfect but your child chose them...loves them. Never underestimate that.
9. And here's the most important rule of all: remember that you cannot control other peoples' behavior. You can only control YOUR behavior. You alone can affect how others treat you by the way you behave. There is great POWER in this concept.
10. Trust in your children's ability to govern themselves wisely, While there may be extenuating circumstances that will require some intervention, if you've done your part, you just need to watch them make their own decisions and make sure that they know they have YOUR support.
It's past midnight again and my thinking is a bit muddy. I must get some sleep....
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