The year 2011 has been quite unsettling for me. The challenges are more subtle but relentless. Most of its impact have been internal. The challenges and conflicts are mostly within myself caused by variables that are, after careful deliberation, very universal. The solutions and remedies required can only be self-discovered since the challenges come from within. But nevertheless, these challenges within me have been brutal. Take note that I believe it's not a coincidence that 2011 is a prime number; a number divisible only by itself. (!) Being the over-analyst that I am, I find that fact a revelation that for some reason brings me some reassurance.
They say that the grass is always greener on the other side. Mostly this notion has taken on quite a metaphoric gravitas on the way things have lined up this year. Mostly its because the internal strife that goes on inside me begs a reboot---a cleaning up of everything and a desire to replace everything with anything different. Because anything is better than the drought that has been building throughout the year. Truly, the grass I was standing on is less verdant than the other side. Or any side for that matter. I just wanted out. There is this dominating feeling that I need to 'move on' or 'move forward' or restart. Replace the old with the new.
There have been health challenges where I wished time would fly faster so that I can recuperate and bypass the pain and discomfort of being sick. I struggled with conquering the diabetes that has threatened my life-style. We've had financial setbacks that surprised us and adjustments had to be made. There were times when fear got the best of me. I was released from doing what I loved--teaching seminary. I never thought that would impact my life so deeply. There were many other challenges that I do not care to list. But nevertheless, my poor spirit was mostly dampened by fear, insecurity, doubt and endless worries. Like I said, the challenges themselves are universal and empirically are not devastating. But for some reason, my internal workings fail to give me perspective and calm in 2011. Perhaps the biggest challenge of 2011 regarding my own health has taken a larger toll. And all I wanted was a free pass so I can move on to other things.
Once, in a conversation with my daughter, I observed that she is in fact, in a very powerful position--a very enviable position. She posited that if 'they all' only knew, they wouldn't envy her. But empirically, the fact of the matter is, she IS in an enviable position regardless. I know because I've been there many times playing all the characters in her dilemma. And she just wants to move on. But I wish she would relish the powerful position she is in for a moment. For the moment that she's in it. It's temporary...and fleeting. That gave me some perspective because I feel anxious for the year to pass because for some reason, I have this illusion that things will suddenly change when the calendar reads 2012. I need to take stock because where I stand can also be an enviable position despite what I feel or think. Empirically, I am in a good place. Always have been.
In contemplating all this, I again pondered my position and all of 2011 where in every difficulty, I wished I were 'somewhere else'' rolling in greener grass than the one I stood on. That's when I realized that my old reliable yard is totally mine. I own it. It's been here for many winters and dry summers. And many happy events when it provided soft grass for tumbling and somersaults, grilling and play and the place where 'everybody' wished they could be.
Sometimes, in the process of trying to make my grass be as green and lush as it can be, it needs help. Sometimes, you need to pile on the shit. Sometimes, the manure burns. Sometimes you need to aerate and sometimes you can trip on the holes. But in time, the grass gets green again. It's the old reliable. And I always know when it's time to fertilize. We sometimes wish for something that's different--perhaps a new adventure that can be stimulating and thrilling because the grass is greener on the other side when we're in the middle of fertilizing or when the loneliness of winter's cold burns the green out. But if I am patient, the grass I stand on will get greener than the other side. It's all in the way we stand on our grass....on our side of the fence.
No comments:
Post a Comment