When Miracles Are Not

My daughter said something the other day that sparked a vivid remembrance. It was as if a sudden spark jarred that memory to the surface.

It was the fall of 1976. I was in a depressed state. I had just broken up with my boyfriend who, after just several weeks of being separated, had suddenly become engaged to another girl. It was one thing to break up with him---that was almost a relief but how could he already be engaged to someone else so quickly? That was depressing and it really  killed my confidence. I suddenly felt utterly replaceable. My ego was crushed. Suddenly, I questioned myself. I knew I had let someone wonderful go. But I also knew that I was not in any position to marry anyone in the state that I was in. I felt like I was caught in a horrible situation. I felt powerless and alone. So one afternoon, right before going to work, I knelt down by my bed and said a prayer. I remember that prayer ever so clearly. I asked God to "please send someone for me to love. Someone who will love me." I cried to him and felt so alone and miserable.

That same afternoon, I met a nice young man. His name was Tom. Tom from Dubuque, Iowa. He was in the US Army stationed in Oahu and he was taking his parents around. They were visiting the Polynesian Cultural Center where I was working as a tour guide. I took them around. He asked me to join them for dinner. I thought, 'why not?' And the adventure began. He was the answer to my prayer and I was shocked that the Lord had blessed me so quickly. Same day delivery. An unexpected miracle. It had to be. Not even 6 hours had passed since I was on my knees sobbing in desperate prayer...asking for a desperate miracle.

Me and Tom

Tom was a Christian. And at first he liked that I was LDS and we had the same desires and standards. He did not smoke, drink or cuss. He took care of himself. He was kind and fun. He treated me as though I were a princess. Later, it would become more apparent that he wanted to 'save' me from the cult of Mormonism. But he still made me feel safe, secure and loved. And I still felt that God blessed me tremendously by giving him to me when I needed him best. And I felt loved. The very notion that Tom was an answer to my prayer made him a blessing to me...a seeming miracle straight from heaven. And I misused that blessing when I allowed the circumstances to overpower my will and my own knowledge of good and bad. The fact that Tom felt like a blessing to me became the EXCUSE and rationale for making mistakes that alienated me from my friends, my standards, my own will, by beliefs, my family and my God. My blessing became my curse. And I paid a very steep price. This miracle was not. It was, in fact, a trial that would precede the real miracle that will take a few more years to happen.  Miracles do not 'just happen'.  When things fall into place according to our mindless plans or selfish desires, be wary. That's only the preparation to place you in the perfect spot for a trial that will precede the miracle...the miracle you may not have prayed for but is, in fact, what God has planned for you that will yield greater blessings that you did not even have the wherewithal to consider because you were too busy being.....human. As in my case, I was too busy being lonely, too busy feeling sorry for myself and too busy being miserable. To know that there is  God who knows me more than I know myself is....a miracle that is.

The Lord once asked Moses to make a likeness of a serpent out of brass to be placed on the end of a pole. And if a serpent bites any of the Israelites, all they had to do was look upon that brass serpent and they would live. That brass serpent was a blessing to them that God prepared to help in their time of great distress when they had to contend with fiery serpents that God also sent to them because of their lack of faith which led to much disobedience. And yet, this brass serpent that saved their lives also became their curse....because of their own lack of perspective...a lack of understanding. Shortly after, the Israelites began to burn incense 'unto the brazen serpent' (2Kings 18:1-4) and worship it. Their blessing now become a source of their own condemnation.

What we see as miracles in our lives can turn into our own serpent of brass when we use these blessings as a way to confuse us, an excuse to overlook the better choices or as a negotiating point with God to do what we want, confusing instant gratification with "feeling good" and therefore fool ourselves into thinking that we are doing the right thing BECAUSE it feels good. Clever, clever ploy that the adversary uses on good people.

How do we prevent this clever ploy from confusing us? I often wonder about this. And my own experiences have taught me some very important principles that I hope will aid my children when Satan uses this clever ploy.

I believe that it is our CHOICE that renders our blessings as either something that will cause us to achieve more light, understanding and therefore more JOY.....or whether our blessings can turn into a source of derailment, loss of focus on truth or blindness to the things that we are supposed to hope for causing darkness, burden and a loss of JOY.

LIGHT

I am fascinated by scriptures that talk about light. Paul talks so eloquently about this in his epistles but I feel that the depth and breadth of what he is really saying is so lost to those who cannot focus on what the gospel really means: the atonement and our relationship to Christ. All of his letters to the saints in Ephesus talk about this. Here are the verses that right now come to the surface for me:

For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light. (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth;) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. Ephesians 5:8-11

There really is an indubitable amount of 'light' in our countenance when we live our lives OUTSIDE ourselves---that is, when paramount in our minds and heart is service and sensitivity to others- when faith replaces fear and/or doubt and hope replaces a lack of vision and focus. When we forget our pain, our bitterness, our fears or the now invasive sport of blame assignment and instead concentrate on the tasks at hand--our hopes, our righteous objectives, a mind that seeks the inspiration that comes from personal revelation, we attain more light. Such is how the gift and power of the Holy Ghost works in us---and how the atonement is made active in our lives. Many times we only concentrate on the redeeming power of the atonement....not realizing that inextricably joined with that power is also the ENABLING or the EMPATHETIC powers of the atonement. It is why Christ descended below all things---so He can, as a mortal, experience all our pains, sorrows and fears. He knows all experientially. And therefore, by the atonement made active in our lives, we can access wisdom and knowledge through personal revelation---line upon line to receive more instruction, more understanding, more knowledge. If we are too busy or distracted, we cannot be sensitive to these quiet and subtle instructions that can only be heard by our spiritual 'ears' and seen by our spiritual 'eyes'. Without faith, we develop bitterness and hardness of heart. Without hope we lose our purpose and walk in circles. Good people simply go through the motions of doing the right thing poorly. The doing is their own reward. But the destination is never close, the true reward always elusive or even no longer desired and light slowly ebbs from their countenance.

That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth MORE light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day. (D&C 50:24)

How we feel at the end of the day matters. How we feel when we are alone with ourselves matter. And we can FEEL it.

THE WAKE OF OUR DECISIONS

We need to take a step back and make an assessment of our decisions and where we are in our lives. If we feel 'darkness' and a feeling of disorder, we have reduced or stepped out of the light. We can feel it. Because when we are by ourselves, we feel burdened, unhappy and dark. That's when we make decisions that break us, confuse us and derail us.

Interestingly, the word "decision" stems from the Latin word which means "to cut off". When we make decisions, we have to assess loss. Therefore, righteous decisions always give us more opportunities for service, joy and growth. Poor decisions limit us...cut us off or box us in. For most of us, it is not even a matter of making bad decisions. It's a matter of making the BEST decisions to help us reach our highest potential. That requires the gift of the Holy Ghost---doing what we were enjoined to do when we were baptized: To "receive the Holy Ghost".

When I receive instructions from that quiet voice...or sometimes, indubitably clear instructions, my initial reaction is ALWAYS: "But...."  "But I don't want to. But I am not wired that way. But that is too hard. But that is not like me to do that. But that is not in my nature. But that's too inconvenient. But that doesn't make sense right now." Very rarely will I just 'do it'.   Think about it. Do you really think the Spirit will intervene to tell you to do what you are already doing? Status quo, right? So He just lets you. Then you feel good because it's the right thing to do. But when He needs to intervene, it's BECAUSE you need a change....that's why it's an INTERVENTION. That's why He urges you to do something against your imperfect nature and suggests a change to improve your nature....to get you close to God's will. So when the Spirit inspires, directs, instructs, it is a moment of JOY....because His instructions lead to only what the Lord wants you to do. How can we protest that? How can we be upset about that? We must learn to follow joyfully.

Here are a few practical suggestions on what to watch out for when making decisions.

I

Remember that making crucial decisions when you are tired, unhappy, exhausted, depressed, despondent, desperate....you get the picture....is NEVER EVER EVER a good idea.  DO NOT MAKE CRUCIAL LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS DURING TIMES OF TRANSITION....especially indulging in dreams borne out of bitterness and ego-stroking. This is because your thinking is very LIMITED---and you are most probably making NEGATIVE PROJECTIONS into your future. Hopelessness is never a good factor when making decisions. Neither is hurt nor pain. If you make decisions when your life is at this stage, any decision will be disastrous. Remember that decision-making LIMITS or deals in LOSS so if you are in a state of resentment, hopelessness, despondence or negativity from hurt or pain, it would be improbable that you are projecting any REAL joyful and realistic outcomes in your future. All you would be projecting would be ESCAPE. And your losses will be catastrophic. It's easy to realize you are in this state---you become obsessed with blame--you blame yourself, your parents, your loved ones, your enemies....even your dog. And you become obsessed with guilt, with 'what-ifs' and go round and round creating solutions that don't work because your focus is now foggy....seen 'through a glass darkly'.

II

If you're making a decision a certain way so you DON'T have to ask for help, that's a huge red flag. Many times we make decisions that are clandestine because we don't want other people's judgment. Or we lie about these decisions. It's going around in circles needing help but not wanting help from others because deep inside you already KNOW that your decision sucks.

In this technological age of easy avoidances, texting is one of the most telling methods of NOT really asking for help. We text because we don't want to 'talk'.  We even text others about very crucial things because we can't bear to talk about them! Human life was meant to be a social, contact sport. We NEED others to help us realize our hopes and dreams. If we do it alone, we are actually in a sort of denial--putting ourselves in a dark cave as we make our decisions in secret because we are afraid that others might tell us we are wrong. In many instances, that instinctive fear is accurate. We are indeed hiding because we are doing something foolish.

When this happens, remember that time and space are your greatest allies. And so are the people who love you. Think about those people who have been tried and tested. Friends who have stayed with you during times of difficulties. Loving parents and family are your first go-to allies. Remember those who love you. They are the ones who will offer you succor, strength and a listening ear....at the very least allow you to talk so you can organize your thoughts. Remember those who do not judge you but know and recognize your best parts and still see them even in your pain, sorrow or confusion. Go back to them and invite them into your life.

III

"Because it makes me happy" is often a red flag. That's because it is so far removed from the statement: BECAUSE I AM HAPPY. Nothing MAKES us happy. We are simply happy because we are the person we should be....because we are in a place where we are outwardly reaching out to people, have a clarity of purpose and hope and a confidence that we are learning, growing and empowered by a sense of joy because we can see, feel, smell, touch that vision of hope---that righteous desire in our hearts wrought and made possible by the hand of God....because we see the miracles everyday that tells us that God is with us and loves us.

'"Because I feel good when I am with him/her" is a fallacy. We need to independently feel good and therefore seek those who are like us....those who can uplift, empower and connect with us in such a way that we are the best that we can be. When we are hopeless, fearful and give in to negativity, we experience a hardening of our hearts and continue to seek ways to numb ourselves in our misery. There are many things that aid in 'soothing' that broken, fearful heart: callousness and a hardening of our resolve to FEEL anything. And then because we don't feel anything anymore, we seek for quick fixes: drugs, dumb decisions, superficial activities and token good deeds. And then often, we indulge in relationships that are 'below our paygrade'  where we actually CONTORT ourselves to fit into that situation and then convince ourselves that we are happy there even when others around us are in disbelief that we have done this.

The insidious part of this situation is that everyone becomes our enemy---everyone is against us. We feel that, we resent it and then we act upon it....alienating ourselves from those who truly love us. And then this enormous decision becomes a dangerous proposition because we have begun to isolate ourselves from the very people who are trying to pull us away from our bad decisions....to save us from ourselves until in time, we discover ourselves alone, confused and astounded as to how we got there.

IV

Decisions taken from the standpoint of "at least I have...." are big red flags and should be addressed and assessed. How often have we heard abused women who simply CANNOT and WILL NOT leave a desperate and often dangerous situation because they fear being alone. "At least I am not alone." Or "at least he comes home and pays the mortgage."  Or "at least he does not hurt the kids and only me." Ahhhh........ "At least I am happy with him and everybody is just going to have to suck it up." I don't know of any good decision that has been defended by this paradigm of thought. It is sad, dangerous and most of all IRRESPONSIBLE to think and defend decisions in this manner.

V

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them. (3 Nephi 14:18-20)

This is another great clue when making decisions. The 'wake' created by your decisions should bring about 'good fruit'---that is, those decisions do not cause you to make further foolish decisions. If you need to lie, tell half-truths or hide your actions, then you are essentially acting upon what you already know is wrong. That's because you've already lost the power to make good and honest choices---choosing instead, to justify, misrepresent or deny the gravity of the 'wrongness' of your decision or choices. 

When I was with Tom, I fooled myself into thinking that because he was such a blessing and an answer to my prayer that anything I did with him was approved by God because HE was the one who blessed me with Tom. God gave me a miracle. I knew I was wrong but I still believed that. Because I was now powerless. And ending that relationship was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made that resulted in such turmoil and drama that was all so unnecessary.....and shameful. By the time he was finally gone, I had no friends, no confidence, felt dirty, isolated and unloved. I could not even see that I could have a future. But with God's help, I was able to survive this foolish, foolish situation brought about by foolish and unnecessary mistakes. Because I KNEW better.

All blessings given to us from God are in essence, trials. There is no blessing that is simply a blessing in and of itself. Doing token good deeds are rewards unto themselves. But anything that comes from God though disguised as legitimate blessings are really trials. Wealth, health, family, love, membership in the church, intelligence, children, even choice and accountability....all of these blessings are indeed trials and opportunities for growth and the understanding of God's will. Any of these blessings can be turned into curses according to the choices we make on how to use them. 

"I don't want to wake up little Billy because he needs his sleep so we'll skip sacrament meeting and leave when he wakes up...."

"I don't have to worry about exercise because I have good health and I obey the Word of Wisdom".

"I already asked my visiting teaching family if they needed my help and they said they didn't so I don't have to think about them until next month...."

Even the simple blessing that we can read can turn into a curse when we read things that dull our hearts to the spirit. Blessings of technology used poorly can turn into perversions of carnality, sordid imaginations and virtual, empty lives. Even the blessing of having a family can give us an excuse to not extend our arms to reach out to others, deciding instead to limit love and caring only to our clan. And then there are those blessings that are already in front of us that we don't recognize because we are looking about for something different...something that can "make us feel accomplished"...not understanding that there is nothing that can MAKE us feel anything. WE are the ones who choose how to feel about the opportunities that are before us---whether we will use them, magnify them and bless OTHERS' lives with them. Or blind ourselves pining for things that we see only through bitterness, loneliness or selfishness. Blessings and miracles are given to us to bless others....not to grow our perceived stature. That is the true miracle. Once the miracle falls so sweetly and easily on our laps, the test begins... is it a miracle? Or not? What we do next determines that outcome. 

As we do the right things in our lives, we can do them poorly.....or we can do the right things with a keen clarity given only by the Spirit when we are humble, with joyful exuberance and a real desire to bless others' lives---especially our own families.

Blessings are for our perfection---opportunities to become like Christ. Every single blessing we receive from God's hands carry with them responsibilities and opportunities to use them according to His will and purpose. If we don't realize that....then the blessings simply are their own rewards and we become attached to them not knowing that they are ours for fulfilling God's purpose through us. What a noble and great opportunity. If only I can remember that always.