"Love" Addiction: The Serial Girlfriend

I was a serial girlfriend totally addicted to love. I loved the highs of pursuit---the power and exhilaration of having someone be in my thrall. I loved the sport of hunting for a boyfriend especially when he was SOMEONE ELSE'S boyfriend and then cockily giving myself "two weeks" to unlatch him from her and having him fall in love with me instead. I had never failed. As my list of conquests grew, I also made a lot of enemies. But I got a huge high from that risk. It was addicting. And numbing. It was ecstasy. Who needs drugs when the exhilaration one gets from being a serial girlfriend is just as intoxicating?

My list of serial relationships is shamefully too long. I don't even care to list them now which is a huge thing because I literally used to keep a running list as though it were a sterling queue of wondrous accomplishments. I understand this behaviour now. Crystal. And I know the drill---every step, every stage, every manipulation. It's a dizzying sense of power. But the irony is, while I felt powerful, I was really a slave to the highs of this addictive behaviour. And it was a choice I made....albeit foolishly. I had no one to define or clarify to me what I was doing. I simply got a lot of judgment. That's the insidious part of this kind of addiction. Everybody just realizes you're a jerk or simply a user.

Knowing all this, I feel ever so undeservedly blessed that this reckless addiction did not affect me in ways that prevented me from being trapped in situations that were irreversible. I am an undeserving survivor. I came out of this addiction unscathed and undoubtedly, wiser.

Just exactly what is this addiction? It's called 'falling in love'. It's ironic that the word 'fall' is used. The fall of Adam. The fall of Rome. The fall of civilization: as though it were inevitable. And it's accurate.

Being the movie buff that I've always been, I had my own ideas of what love is supposed to be. It's supposed to be that fiery, rapturous, intoxicating feeling---that feeling of butterflies and a physical reaction---when our toes curl and our bosom burns with yearning to be with that special someone who will make our lives finally be better, happier and complete. That's what Hollywood and books portray. And I wanted every bit of that.

But there is something irrational about this kind of love. "I love you but I'm not inlove with you" are words that are often used to describe and differentiate between simply 'loving' someone and being actually 'inlove'. Is there really a difference? And if so, which is the kind one must pursue?

Let me first define the terms here. Being 'inlove' is what I would call passionate love; the kind that feels euphoric, mystical, intoxicating. It's an intense longing to be with a certain someone--intense enough that it feels like a religious experience--a state of euphoria wherein we are transformed into a new person--someone who feels like belonging to that certain person--a feeling of rapture such that we feel that we are swept by a power stronger than ourselves and therefore outside the realm of who we really are. We see the person of our affections as someone who has power to make us happy and complete. We are obsessed by what the object of our affection can do for us---how perfect he is for us. We cannot see ourselves unless we are with that person. What we feel when we are with that person is our paramount concern and obsession.

Unfortunately, this is NOT a unique situation. Most of us know the drill: the initial bouyancy and lightness associated with the beginning of the phase of falling inlove--'walking on air' as we can describe it, the ensuing distraction and inability to focus on anything else, the super sensitivity to any small act or event that can be interpreted to be a sign favouring our attraction, the intense feeling of 'love' towards that person that gives us permission to put all other concerns in the back burner and the almost obsessive ability to emphasize any positive traits of the person we are falling inlove with and then viewing their negative traits as possibly even endearing. That's the first phase of a relationship exploration. Then when that phase settles down, we begin to really get to know each other in a more passive, calm, predictable way. Suddenly, things normalize and the highs of the 'falling' phase dissipate. Of course! When we fall, we always hit bottom. That's when the euphoria begins to disappear and we feel bored. Suddenly the relationship requires work. We begin to feel disillusioned. The things that used to endear us become annoyances. Then we start to miss that feeling of intoxicated rapture. We need another high. And the relationship suffers because now it's just work. That's when we realize we need to make a decision.

"To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus OUTSIDE ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his EGO to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty--the fulfillment of which brings true joy." (Pres. Thomas S. Monson)

The Manti Temple sealing room where we were sealed for all time and eternity.

Loving another person in this passionate way is unsustainable because it solely depends on the euphoric feeling associated with being 'in love'. It's a physical reaction. But of course. Scientists have long postulated that romantic love is a kind of addiction similar to that of a cocaine high. We feel as though when we are with that person, we are lifted up to another world better than what we knew before. 

"Falling in love affects intellectual areas of the brain and triggers the same sensation of euphoria experienced by people when they take cocaine, researchers from Syracuse University reveal in an article in Journal of Sexual Medicine." (Medical News Today) 

But loving another person in a more COMPASSIONATE way is a choice made outside of ourselves. We don't ask the question 'what can he do to make me happy?" because we know that happiness is a choice that we make and not incumbent on another person. It is a love rooted in the principles of a living a Christ-like life---using the mechanism of his atonement, both redemptive and enabling, to nourish and work towards a relationship similar to that of Christ and his people. Priesthood power is a necessity as well as a deep and abiding love for the Saviour because both man and woman understand the sacred order associated with the binding and sealing powers of the new and everlasting covenant. Loving someone becomes a CHOICE....an everyday choice within the banal, realistic visages of earthly life with a hope for eternal life clearly imprinted on our destination plate.

"Surrending our ego" as Pres. Monson has stated involves humility. When we are in the thrall of being 'inlove', humility is the last thing on our mind because we are simply carried away by these wondrous rapturous feelings. Humility---that is, being available to be taught by the Spirit, is difficult when we are constantly longing for that feeling of rapture---that feeling that we are now addicted to. Wondering and anticipating when we will feel that way again makes us oblivious to the ordinary miracles that may be already in front of us.

When my husband and I were contemplating marriage, his greatest fear was that he might, after making the choice to marry me, find 'a better car' alluding to his metaphor about buying a car and choosing a woman to marry. He was blind to the fact that after knowing each other for a year or so, and had become best friends that although he cared for me, he wasn't sure that he was 'inlove' with me. We have now been married 31 years and everyday has been a decision to love each other. Some days are easy. And some are not. But we are in harmony knowing that a relationship needs work. And happiness is really a choice that we make when we choose to think outside ourselves. As time goes by, loving each other is a lot easier and we find that without the other, we are simply lost--a testament that deciding to love each other invariably reaches a point were we really are a true unit--independent when apart but complete when together.

Tragically, our culture assumes that without this 'romantic, passionate love', a relationship simply is not worth it....that it is the single ingredient that makes a relationship achieve success. But I think that that is Satan's deception because when we find ourselves in a more direct, simple, uncomplicated relationship that seems so ordinary, we think that it is unacceptable---that having a more fiery, extraordinary relationship full of drama and euphoria is more exciting. That is a severe fallacy. Simply unsustainable fallacy. If we seek this sort of ship to sail with our love, then we have just bought a ticket out to sea on the Titanic.

"How do you choose a wife? I've heard a lot of young people from Brigham Young University and elsewhere say, "I've got to get a feeling of inspiration. I've got to get some revelation. I've got to fast and pray and get the Lord to manifest to me whom I should marry." Well, maybe it will be a little shock to you, but never in my life did I ever ask the Lord whom I ought to marry. It never occurred to me to ask him. I went out and found the girl I wanted; she suited me; I evaluated and weighed the proposition, and it just seemed a hundred percent to me as though this ought to be." (Bruce R. McConkie)

I know the above quote from Bruce R. McConkie is missing some context but I would greatly encourage you to read the full speech HERE. But what I garnered from this great talk is that choosing a spouse requires the following: 1) "Finding" or a search  2) Evaluation 3) Weighing the proposition.  I would think that a search requires a list of suitable requirements. I mean, you just don't go to purchase a car without careful study. You must already know what you want and not let a 'falling inlove' event that enslaves you in its thrall to suddenly compromise your requirements! I do not need to list these requirements because that is all that church leaders talk about. Evaluation requires a set of empiricals that cannot be seen clearly wearing the rose-coloured spectacles of romantic anticipation. We must use our intellect to sort things out....to study it in our minds. And weighing the proposition requires a study of pros and cons until we reach a viable, clear realization that the choice we are making is a wise one. Evaluation and study also require counseling with our parents, the people who love us, our priesthood leaders....and then a clear mind to weigh all these things and then find a conclusion. Then we can make that decision. Amazingly, it is only AFTER we make the decision when things will feel right....or obviously uneasy because making a decision will suddenly create results. What a revelation! A decision is what creates results!!

Choose a path or go NOWHERE.

What scares most young people is making that decision itself because making a decision means you get to close all other opportunities and if you are still starry-eyed and longing for the highs and euphoria of 'falling inlove' again, then you are white-knuckling through and perhaps will become too afraid to make a decision. Unfortunately, all decisions have an expiry date and not making a decision is tantamount to surrendering all your power. The decision will simply be made for you and you become powerless. A feckless, loser weakling---never really experiencing for yourself what courage feels like. It's alright to be afraid because without fear, your courage cannot be measured. But being paralyzed by fear is closing your eyes to all possibilities, to any vision or hope or to the opportunity to exercise faith.

The greatest realization about choosing someone to love is that when we choose to love, we choose to love a mere, ordinary mortal who has weaknesses and whose companionship is a paradox to us. As the relationship matures, the characteristics that we first found endearing to us become the same ones that annoy us. It then becomes a necessity to make the choice to continue to love. When we are passionately inlove, we choose to love angels and extraordinary creatures...until they transform to mere mortals and then we are disillusioned. Sometimes we reject them because we realize they do not fit our most important requirements. And then sometimes, we reject them because we simply want another hit....another high....not really seeing that this person actually has all the important requirements we used to deem important. So we really need to be honest with ourselves.

Finally, we must realize that a stable relationship emerges from the trials and challenges that two people have braved together. Love that is proven through time and distance is so very rare and exceptional and if you are blessed with this, take very good care that you do not devalue the miracle that it is. When I was a girl scout, we used to sing a song: Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. There is indeed some truth to that adage because the proof of time clearly has value that in our new day and age is severely undervalued because 'new' is always exciting and better. That is the new culture. How very sad. 

Harmony is achieved through practice and a lot of missteps and miscues made whole and right. Many times it simply requires the banal. But when all voices work in tandem, harmony most beautiful is achieved. Compassionate love is like that---it's quiet, solemn and often invisible. It does not flaunt itself. It does not announce its presence. It is rooted in the humility that makes us teachable, not enslaved. We become creatures of the Spirit---together, as a celestial unit. And thus, it becomes necessary that each one has a belief system firmly rooted in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in the power of the sealing and marriage under the new and everlasting covenant. That steadfast sureness as a couple only shows itself in a calmness that is the complete opposite of the fireworks and electricity of 'falling inlove'. It is not the "I no longer miss you like before syndrome, or the "it's not as exciting anymore" banality, nor the feeling that it just can't go further because it stopped being exciting. That is precisely when the second phase begins....the now quiet time when the things that really matter need to shine-- the things that require work-- the fashioning of smooth stones from rough rocks. Work. Then the offering of ourselves to a God to touch that relationship with his Hand after we realize that the peace of finding someone with Christ-like qualities now overpower the rapture and excitement of physical attraction and the excitement of newness.  It's a peace that defies the euphoria of romance. It's peace that comes from a decision made wisely and for a purpose more divine. 

Shortly after our wedding in the Manti Temple, we had a taste of our cake.

Just Love

So what I am thinking lately is that it kind of sucks to live here in the US sometimes. What I've experienced is that giving love the way I do is really not a good thing. OK. Let me give some context to that.

I am what you might call....one who likes to show a lot of love by doing things for those I decide to love. I like to make things for them, I like to cook for them, I like to give gifts, I like to talk, I like to just give. But culturally, I notice that Americans have a very wide berth around them...as in, their personal space is very limited. When you show a lot of attention or continue to be generous, they start to become very suspicious. And you can feel it. And then you suddenly feel stupid. And then you start to feel like you're trespassing into their territory. And then I feel judged.

I wish that that were not so.

But it is.

And when I spent 2 weeks in Spain with some friends, I realized that I was so much happier because they allowed me to love them so freely....and with so much exuberance.

It made me remember what it was like because at first, I was very, very guarded. And then I remembered what it was like. And then I was happy.

I feel the same way when I am with my Filipino friends who are not LDS.

I also notice that friendships are not as robust and intense among Americans. Friendships tend to last only a short time and have their seasons. I have friends who I feel a close kinship with and who I still love whom I have known since elementary school!! And my high school friends are still close to me. We get together very often and love each other deeply. We feel for each other, happy for each other's successes, and worry about each other when we are going through life's challenges. We are always checking on each other. Americans tend to discard friendships so easily. I guess it's because their culture is heavily attached to self-reliance---that they can do things on their own. My culture tends to believe in being there for each other.

Anyway, I have been back from Spain now for a couple of weeks and already I feel myself holding back. And I am so very sad.

When Miracles Are Not

My daughter said something the other day that sparked a vivid remembrance. It was as if a sudden spark jarred that memory to the surface.

It was the fall of 1976. I was in a depressed state. I had just broken up with my boyfriend who, after just several weeks of being separated, had suddenly become engaged to another girl. It was one thing to break up with him---that was almost a relief but how could he already be engaged to someone else so quickly? That was depressing and it really  killed my confidence. I suddenly felt utterly replaceable. My ego was crushed. Suddenly, I questioned myself. I knew I had let someone wonderful go. But I also knew that I was not in any position to marry anyone in the state that I was in. I felt like I was caught in a horrible situation. I felt powerless and alone. So one afternoon, right before going to work, I knelt down by my bed and said a prayer. I remember that prayer ever so clearly. I asked God to "please send someone for me to love. Someone who will love me." I cried to him and felt so alone and miserable.

That same afternoon, I met a nice young man. His name was Tom. Tom from Dubuque, Iowa. He was in the US Army stationed in Oahu and he was taking his parents around. They were visiting the Polynesian Cultural Center where I was working as a tour guide. I took them around. He asked me to join them for dinner. I thought, 'why not?' And the adventure began. He was the answer to my prayer and I was shocked that the Lord had blessed me so quickly. Same day delivery. An unexpected miracle. It had to be. Not even 6 hours had passed since I was on my knees sobbing in desperate prayer...asking for a desperate miracle.

Me and Tom

Tom was a Christian. And at first he liked that I was LDS and we had the same desires and standards. He did not smoke, drink or cuss. He took care of himself. He was kind and fun. He treated me as though I were a princess. Later, it would become more apparent that he wanted to 'save' me from the cult of Mormonism. But he still made me feel safe, secure and loved. And I still felt that God blessed me tremendously by giving him to me when I needed him best. And I felt loved. The very notion that Tom was an answer to my prayer made him a blessing to me...a seeming miracle straight from heaven. And I misused that blessing when I allowed the circumstances to overpower my will and my own knowledge of good and bad. The fact that Tom felt like a blessing to me became the EXCUSE and rationale for making mistakes that alienated me from my friends, my standards, my own will, by beliefs, my family and my God. My blessing became my curse. And I paid a very steep price. This miracle was not. It was, in fact, a trial that would precede the real miracle that will take a few more years to happen.  Miracles do not 'just happen'.  When things fall into place according to our mindless plans or selfish desires, be wary. That's only the preparation to place you in the perfect spot for a trial that will precede the miracle...the miracle you may not have prayed for but is, in fact, what God has planned for you that will yield greater blessings that you did not even have the wherewithal to consider because you were too busy being.....human. As in my case, I was too busy being lonely, too busy feeling sorry for myself and too busy being miserable. To know that there is  God who knows me more than I know myself is....a miracle that is.

The Lord once asked Moses to make a likeness of a serpent out of brass to be placed on the end of a pole. And if a serpent bites any of the Israelites, all they had to do was look upon that brass serpent and they would live. That brass serpent was a blessing to them that God prepared to help in their time of great distress when they had to contend with fiery serpents that God also sent to them because of their lack of faith which led to much disobedience. And yet, this brass serpent that saved their lives also became their curse....because of their own lack of perspective...a lack of understanding. Shortly after, the Israelites began to burn incense 'unto the brazen serpent' (2Kings 18:1-4) and worship it. Their blessing now become a source of their own condemnation.

What we see as miracles in our lives can turn into our own serpent of brass when we use these blessings as a way to confuse us, an excuse to overlook the better choices or as a negotiating point with God to do what we want, confusing instant gratification with "feeling good" and therefore fool ourselves into thinking that we are doing the right thing BECAUSE it feels good. Clever, clever ploy that the adversary uses on good people.

How do we prevent this clever ploy from confusing us? I often wonder about this. And my own experiences have taught me some very important principles that I hope will aid my children when Satan uses this clever ploy.

I believe that it is our CHOICE that renders our blessings as either something that will cause us to achieve more light, understanding and therefore more JOY.....or whether our blessings can turn into a source of derailment, loss of focus on truth or blindness to the things that we are supposed to hope for causing darkness, burden and a loss of JOY.

LIGHT

I am fascinated by scriptures that talk about light. Paul talks so eloquently about this in his epistles but I feel that the depth and breadth of what he is really saying is so lost to those who cannot focus on what the gospel really means: the atonement and our relationship to Christ. All of his letters to the saints in Ephesus talk about this. Here are the verses that right now come to the surface for me:

For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light. (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth;) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. Ephesians 5:8-11

There really is an indubitable amount of 'light' in our countenance when we live our lives OUTSIDE ourselves---that is, when paramount in our minds and heart is service and sensitivity to others- when faith replaces fear and/or doubt and hope replaces a lack of vision and focus. When we forget our pain, our bitterness, our fears or the now invasive sport of blame assignment and instead concentrate on the tasks at hand--our hopes, our righteous objectives, a mind that seeks the inspiration that comes from personal revelation, we attain more light. Such is how the gift and power of the Holy Ghost works in us---and how the atonement is made active in our lives. Many times we only concentrate on the redeeming power of the atonement....not realizing that inextricably joined with that power is also the ENABLING or the EMPATHETIC powers of the atonement. It is why Christ descended below all things---so He can, as a mortal, experience all our pains, sorrows and fears. He knows all experientially. And therefore, by the atonement made active in our lives, we can access wisdom and knowledge through personal revelation---line upon line to receive more instruction, more understanding, more knowledge. If we are too busy or distracted, we cannot be sensitive to these quiet and subtle instructions that can only be heard by our spiritual 'ears' and seen by our spiritual 'eyes'. Without faith, we develop bitterness and hardness of heart. Without hope we lose our purpose and walk in circles. Good people simply go through the motions of doing the right thing poorly. The doing is their own reward. But the destination is never close, the true reward always elusive or even no longer desired and light slowly ebbs from their countenance.

That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth MORE light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day. (D&C 50:24)

How we feel at the end of the day matters. How we feel when we are alone with ourselves matter. And we can FEEL it.

THE WAKE OF OUR DECISIONS

We need to take a step back and make an assessment of our decisions and where we are in our lives. If we feel 'darkness' and a feeling of disorder, we have reduced or stepped out of the light. We can feel it. Because when we are by ourselves, we feel burdened, unhappy and dark. That's when we make decisions that break us, confuse us and derail us.

Interestingly, the word "decision" stems from the Latin word which means "to cut off". When we make decisions, we have to assess loss. Therefore, righteous decisions always give us more opportunities for service, joy and growth. Poor decisions limit us...cut us off or box us in. For most of us, it is not even a matter of making bad decisions. It's a matter of making the BEST decisions to help us reach our highest potential. That requires the gift of the Holy Ghost---doing what we were enjoined to do when we were baptized: To "receive the Holy Ghost".

When I receive instructions from that quiet voice...or sometimes, indubitably clear instructions, my initial reaction is ALWAYS: "But...."  "But I don't want to. But I am not wired that way. But that is too hard. But that is not like me to do that. But that is not in my nature. But that's too inconvenient. But that doesn't make sense right now." Very rarely will I just 'do it'.   Think about it. Do you really think the Spirit will intervene to tell you to do what you are already doing? Status quo, right? So He just lets you. Then you feel good because it's the right thing to do. But when He needs to intervene, it's BECAUSE you need a change....that's why it's an INTERVENTION. That's why He urges you to do something against your imperfect nature and suggests a change to improve your nature....to get you close to God's will. So when the Spirit inspires, directs, instructs, it is a moment of JOY....because His instructions lead to only what the Lord wants you to do. How can we protest that? How can we be upset about that? We must learn to follow joyfully.

Here are a few practical suggestions on what to watch out for when making decisions.

I

Remember that making crucial decisions when you are tired, unhappy, exhausted, depressed, despondent, desperate....you get the picture....is NEVER EVER EVER a good idea.  DO NOT MAKE CRUCIAL LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS DURING TIMES OF TRANSITION....especially indulging in dreams borne out of bitterness and ego-stroking. This is because your thinking is very LIMITED---and you are most probably making NEGATIVE PROJECTIONS into your future. Hopelessness is never a good factor when making decisions. Neither is hurt nor pain. If you make decisions when your life is at this stage, any decision will be disastrous. Remember that decision-making LIMITS or deals in LOSS so if you are in a state of resentment, hopelessness, despondence or negativity from hurt or pain, it would be improbable that you are projecting any REAL joyful and realistic outcomes in your future. All you would be projecting would be ESCAPE. And your losses will be catastrophic. It's easy to realize you are in this state---you become obsessed with blame--you blame yourself, your parents, your loved ones, your enemies....even your dog. And you become obsessed with guilt, with 'what-ifs' and go round and round creating solutions that don't work because your focus is now foggy....seen 'through a glass darkly'.

II

If you're making a decision a certain way so you DON'T have to ask for help, that's a huge red flag. Many times we make decisions that are clandestine because we don't want other people's judgment. Or we lie about these decisions. It's going around in circles needing help but not wanting help from others because deep inside you already KNOW that your decision sucks.

In this technological age of easy avoidances, texting is one of the most telling methods of NOT really asking for help. We text because we don't want to 'talk'.  We even text others about very crucial things because we can't bear to talk about them! Human life was meant to be a social, contact sport. We NEED others to help us realize our hopes and dreams. If we do it alone, we are actually in a sort of denial--putting ourselves in a dark cave as we make our decisions in secret because we are afraid that others might tell us we are wrong. In many instances, that instinctive fear is accurate. We are indeed hiding because we are doing something foolish.

When this happens, remember that time and space are your greatest allies. And so are the people who love you. Think about those people who have been tried and tested. Friends who have stayed with you during times of difficulties. Loving parents and family are your first go-to allies. Remember those who love you. They are the ones who will offer you succor, strength and a listening ear....at the very least allow you to talk so you can organize your thoughts. Remember those who do not judge you but know and recognize your best parts and still see them even in your pain, sorrow or confusion. Go back to them and invite them into your life.

III

"Because it makes me happy" is often a red flag. That's because it is so far removed from the statement: BECAUSE I AM HAPPY. Nothing MAKES us happy. We are simply happy because we are the person we should be....because we are in a place where we are outwardly reaching out to people, have a clarity of purpose and hope and a confidence that we are learning, growing and empowered by a sense of joy because we can see, feel, smell, touch that vision of hope---that righteous desire in our hearts wrought and made possible by the hand of God....because we see the miracles everyday that tells us that God is with us and loves us.

'"Because I feel good when I am with him/her" is a fallacy. We need to independently feel good and therefore seek those who are like us....those who can uplift, empower and connect with us in such a way that we are the best that we can be. When we are hopeless, fearful and give in to negativity, we experience a hardening of our hearts and continue to seek ways to numb ourselves in our misery. There are many things that aid in 'soothing' that broken, fearful heart: callousness and a hardening of our resolve to FEEL anything. And then because we don't feel anything anymore, we seek for quick fixes: drugs, dumb decisions, superficial activities and token good deeds. And then often, we indulge in relationships that are 'below our paygrade'  where we actually CONTORT ourselves to fit into that situation and then convince ourselves that we are happy there even when others around us are in disbelief that we have done this.

The insidious part of this situation is that everyone becomes our enemy---everyone is against us. We feel that, we resent it and then we act upon it....alienating ourselves from those who truly love us. And then this enormous decision becomes a dangerous proposition because we have begun to isolate ourselves from the very people who are trying to pull us away from our bad decisions....to save us from ourselves until in time, we discover ourselves alone, confused and astounded as to how we got there.

IV

Decisions taken from the standpoint of "at least I have...." are big red flags and should be addressed and assessed. How often have we heard abused women who simply CANNOT and WILL NOT leave a desperate and often dangerous situation because they fear being alone. "At least I am not alone." Or "at least he comes home and pays the mortgage."  Or "at least he does not hurt the kids and only me." Ahhhh........ "At least I am happy with him and everybody is just going to have to suck it up." I don't know of any good decision that has been defended by this paradigm of thought. It is sad, dangerous and most of all IRRESPONSIBLE to think and defend decisions in this manner.

V

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them. (3 Nephi 14:18-20)

This is another great clue when making decisions. The 'wake' created by your decisions should bring about 'good fruit'---that is, those decisions do not cause you to make further foolish decisions. If you need to lie, tell half-truths or hide your actions, then you are essentially acting upon what you already know is wrong. That's because you've already lost the power to make good and honest choices---choosing instead, to justify, misrepresent or deny the gravity of the 'wrongness' of your decision or choices. 

When I was with Tom, I fooled myself into thinking that because he was such a blessing and an answer to my prayer that anything I did with him was approved by God because HE was the one who blessed me with Tom. God gave me a miracle. I knew I was wrong but I still believed that. Because I was now powerless. And ending that relationship was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made that resulted in such turmoil and drama that was all so unnecessary.....and shameful. By the time he was finally gone, I had no friends, no confidence, felt dirty, isolated and unloved. I could not even see that I could have a future. But with God's help, I was able to survive this foolish, foolish situation brought about by foolish and unnecessary mistakes. Because I KNEW better.

All blessings given to us from God are in essence, trials. There is no blessing that is simply a blessing in and of itself. Doing token good deeds are rewards unto themselves. But anything that comes from God though disguised as legitimate blessings are really trials. Wealth, health, family, love, membership in the church, intelligence, children, even choice and accountability....all of these blessings are indeed trials and opportunities for growth and the understanding of God's will. Any of these blessings can be turned into curses according to the choices we make on how to use them. 

"I don't want to wake up little Billy because he needs his sleep so we'll skip sacrament meeting and leave when he wakes up...."

"I don't have to worry about exercise because I have good health and I obey the Word of Wisdom".

"I already asked my visiting teaching family if they needed my help and they said they didn't so I don't have to think about them until next month...."

Even the simple blessing that we can read can turn into a curse when we read things that dull our hearts to the spirit. Blessings of technology used poorly can turn into perversions of carnality, sordid imaginations and virtual, empty lives. Even the blessing of having a family can give us an excuse to not extend our arms to reach out to others, deciding instead to limit love and caring only to our clan. And then there are those blessings that are already in front of us that we don't recognize because we are looking about for something different...something that can "make us feel accomplished"...not understanding that there is nothing that can MAKE us feel anything. WE are the ones who choose how to feel about the opportunities that are before us---whether we will use them, magnify them and bless OTHERS' lives with them. Or blind ourselves pining for things that we see only through bitterness, loneliness or selfishness. Blessings and miracles are given to us to bless others....not to grow our perceived stature. That is the true miracle. Once the miracle falls so sweetly and easily on our laps, the test begins... is it a miracle? Or not? What we do next determines that outcome. 

As we do the right things in our lives, we can do them poorly.....or we can do the right things with a keen clarity given only by the Spirit when we are humble, with joyful exuberance and a real desire to bless others' lives---especially our own families.

Blessings are for our perfection---opportunities to become like Christ. Every single blessing we receive from God's hands carry with them responsibilities and opportunities to use them according to His will and purpose. If we don't realize that....then the blessings simply are their own rewards and we become attached to them not knowing that they are ours for fulfilling God's purpose through us. What a noble and great opportunity. If only I can remember that always.

Courage is measured by vulnerability

I once had a dream about my sister. It was so clear and vivid that after nearly 40 years, I can still see the dream in my head. I pay attention to those dreams because many times, that part of our brain that remains dormant when we are thinking too much about our stresses and worries are unsealed only when we are finally asleep....and dreaming. And when I wake up, I ponder the feelings and events of my dream. I classify these dreams as part of my experiences...awake or otherwise.

As we journey through life, we hopefully gain wisdom through our experiences. But often, as I pass through these challenges, though I do my utmost best to do so with courage, motivated by a strong desire to do what's right, I find that I can STILL be blind to many of my weaknesses. In fact, at times, in my zeal to do what's right, I actually do things POORLY partly due to what I lack in perspective, or due to that same zeal, I become blind to the variables that help me MEASURE how I am doing...that is, until someone wise helps me out. Sometimes the losses I incur for doing what's right poorly is much too high to pay. That's when angels come to my rescue. That's when someone finally turns on the light in that unused portion of my brain.

Doing what's right poorly is part of our purification and aspiration to be great and extraordinary. It's part of that spirit that is in us. Doing what's right poorly is what we do when we err not because we are filled with evil but because we are filled with the desire to do what's right. It's flying without a net. It's vulnerability at its best definition. And we need not fear it. In fact, we need to embrace it.

The joy that we feel or lack is directly related to our ability to be vulnerable. Such has been the topic of many scholarly research into how greatness is achieved.

I come from a mindset that does not fear emotional risk-taking. I love freely and fiercely; often with dire and painful consequences. But though this trait is a weakness, it can be my best strength. Often, I get intensely hurt and that's when things go bad. In order to NOT feel pain, many of us find ways to numb ourselves. Some do it by taking drugs. Some get drunk. Some simply close their hearts. And then some welcome hopelessness like a slow-burning consuming fire as a sort of preemptive strike to destroy all that they desire and love the most....ironically because they FEAR losing them. It's such a tragedy when this happens. The loss is incomprehensible partly because through time, we've already accepted the loss even if there is NO loss...nor a surety that that loss will happen.

How do we prevent this from happening? Sometimes we can't. But when we are blessed with the realization that we are doing this, NOT acting upon this will make matters worse...and the opposite of NOT acting upon this is simply making ourselves more numb. A lack of vulnerability.

The ironic thing about this is that the less vulnerable we are, the less brave we become. Because if we numb ourselves, we feel less fear which is precisely why we numb ourselves. When we fear less, there is no reason to be brave. And we do stupid things. And if we don't catch ourselves, we begin a long pattern that can be unbreakable throughout our lives.

Doing what's right poorly is what we do as humans. But its an impossibility to always do the right thing correctly ALL the time because if it were so, we wouldn't be human. And thinking that we can is arrogance at its finest....a negation of the atonement of Jesus Christ. We have to do what's right poorly before we can do things well. And it gets better and better. There is no other way to become extraordinary. That's the idea. Line upon line. But we HAVE to catch ourselves first. So self-awareness is key to recognition.

Hope is a gift of the Spirit and necessary for faith to grow.

And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope? (Moroni 7:40)

Hope is a clear vision of what we desire...so clear that you can see it, hear it, touch it, smell it.  Hope is all these things coupled with the belief that you CAN achieve it. Giving in to fear that this vision cannot be achieved is a loss of hope and all good things that come with it. Fearing that we cannot achieve what we hope is a lack of faith...when fear replaces faith. Once we recognize that we fear, we must take measures to increase our faith. And that's a real challenge...and why we must believe and understand how the empathic powers of the atonement can help us. 

Without courage, we cannot exercise faith. And without fear, we cannot measure our courage. Therefore, how vulnerable we are certainly measures how much courage we need. The ability to be vulnerable therefore opens the door to greatness...to becoming sensitive to the subtle changes that only the Spirit can bring. In building a protective wall around us to help us numb ourselves from the anticipation of pain or pain itself, we also numb ourselves to all things that are good. Without the ability to feel heat, we get burned easily. Such is the consequence of closing ourselves off and building walls of defense around us. We must not be afraid. And though I am constantly afraid, I realize that without being afraid, I wouldn't need God's help. There is always an opposition to all things and that sacred tension...that ability to find that perfect point of balance that changes in dynamic and constant ways, is what will allow us to be great, line upon line. The amount of fear we have to overcome allows us the courage we need to apply our faith which in turn allows us to find joy in our journey. It is important because we only get ONE chance...one life. 

I lost my ipod

I have been looking for my ipod for many months now. The last time I used it was probably a year ago. I looked everywhere. When I went to England last April, I really missed it. I also lost my Bose headset which was attached to my ipod. I know I had it last time I went for a walk, placed it on top of my desk and then....totally forgot about it. The next time I had to go for a walk, I could not find it. My cleaning lady had just cleaned the house and I did not even think about it.

Months later, before going on a trip to Provo, I realized that it was gone. I looked all over for it. I knew I had it and I knew that there were only two places where it could be: my home office or my bedroom. So for weeks and weeks,  I searched for it--in handbags, boxes, file cabinets....every single nook and cranny of those two rooms, plus everywhere else. Whenever we went on trips back to Provo or to California, I would search for it.

I thought about that ipod and headset nearly everyday. And nearly everyday for the next few months I would take some time to look and look again.

Later, I would have the opportunity to go back to London with Hannah. I only had a few hours to get packed and ready and I still had a couple of hours left after I finished packing. So again, I looked some more to no avail.

Every time I looked, I would secretly think: I wonder if my cleaning lady decided to take it home with her. Then a very clear thought would come to me: No. It's in the house but you will find it when the time is right. I had that feeling EVERY SINGLE time I looked. So whenever panic or anxiety or frustration would set in, that feeling---that sharp, clear feeling would come to me: you will find it when the time is right. And then I would be seized by a feeling of calm and as if it were a transfusion, patience would enter my body in soft, quiet waves.

Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go to Spain to speak at a missionary fireside on June 23. It would be a Saturday. I decided to buy my plane tickets the week before, on a Thursday. I was to leave Las Vegas on June 21 and arrive in Spain on the 22nd.

The night before I was to leave, a strange thing happened. I was in my home office printing my boarding passes late at night. Then I went upstairs to continue packing. Then a strange feeling came to me. I felt like I needed to go downstairs back to my office. As I walked to my desk, I suddenly stopped. I had a very CLEAR feeling come upon me....a strange clarity of thought that said: in a few moments, you will find your ipod. Those exact words came to me. I quickly made a visual scan of my small home office. I had looked everywhere--even behind the books in the library and in every box. I looked down on the floor where there were 3 small, black CD boxes. I had already looked in those boxes a few times. I thought, "No way." But I knew it. There were two of those boxes stacked together. I looked in the top box.  Nothing. Then I hurriedly opened the bottom box. And there they were: my ipod with the $300 Bose headset still attached to it.

I sat on my chair with my spirit completely in shock. Then I felt a sudden clarity again: God knows the right time. And He loves me. Tears suddenly filled my eyes as I pondered what just happened.

It isn't the fact that I found the ipod or my headset. It could have been a hat or...at one time, a ring. Or another useless item. But this experience underscored again to me that God is real and that the Spirit can teach us many profound matters that deal with the heart sometimes using the banal.

We are going through some trying and challenging times. I personally have been praying constantly for my loved ones and for some relief from the difficult times we are going through. But underneath all my pleadings, there is a constant clarity and reassurance that all will be restored...in God's own time. He is the author of all good things. And He is a God of order and light. All things come to His order. And He knows the right time for everything that is good. I also know that patience is a gift. It is an urging that comes from the Spirit. And I also know that hope comes from that same source. The loss of hope is congruent to a prideful spirit that resists that gift from the real source...from the the Spirit that brings hope and illumination to our lives. Hope does not come from us. Hope is a gift. And so is patience. And love. And faith. All these are gifts that come from the Spirit. And we are privy to these gifts but only when we are teachable, humble and willing.

Sometimes, when we fear, hope becomes dimmed. But the Spirit restores that hope when we seek it...if we want it. A life without hope is dark and it hardens our heart. But a life that is open to the urgings and promptings of the Spirit that cannot help but give us hope and the ability to see things far off is one that we must aspire to achieve. These are gifts we must strive to receive. And part of what we are privileged to ask for....what we are enjoined to receive when hands are placed upon our heads and we are confirmed as part of Christ's church. "Receive the Holy Ghost". Receive hope. Receive the gift of patience. Receive the gift of charity and love.

My ipod is really not important to me. In fact, I barely used it during the long 22 hour trip to Spain. But that moment as I stood in front of my desk....that moment when the Spirit told me that it would be found 'within a few moments'....when I finally found it----these experiences are miracles of God's love. And the ipod was just a tool to help execute an eternal lesson once again to me---that God knows me, that He knows my heart, that He hears my prayers. And most of all, it was another opportunity to recognize that familiar experience of hearing and feeling the Holy Ghost as He communicates to me that sudden stroke of knowledge and understanding. The more we hear Him, the better we get at listening. And I am so grateful that I can recognize His whisperings....though I do not always follow Him, I do know His voice.

God is real. And there is a Holy Ghost who can teach us things of the most profound imaginings--He can teach us how things connect and through these humble experiences, I can find how the atonement of Christ can constantly be active in my life.

My ipod may someday malfunction and quickly be obsolete. But the memory of this experience is just one of the many times that God has manifested His hand in my life....sometimes in ways that are magnificent and big....and many times, in ways that are easy to miss. These are some of the experiences that lift me up during times of darkness.....because I know that God is always there.

The One Question

I just woke up from a dream.

God asked me if I would be willing to give my life for any of my children if it meant that they wouldn't have to suffer. Never before had I seriously contemplated such a thought. But suddenly, I felt an overwhelming relief that that choice could actually exist.

"That's all I have to do?" I was astonished that there was a way I could secure that outcome.

"Yes, I would give my life for them."

And then I woke up....happy.

I've Walked This Trail Before

There is an old Filipino story that goes like this:

One day, a daughter decided that she was tired of her mother who was ill. And since she knew that her mother was ill and about to die, she came upon an idea. So one bright morning, she told her mother that they were going to take a walk to the jungle. Her thought was that she could walk her into the deepest parts of the jungle and then leave her there. She would be lost and never make her way back home. And she would be rid of her meddling ways. She was tired of hearing her mother's unsolicited advise and attempts to tell her how to live her life. She thought that she knew more things now because she was younger, wiser and more savvy. Her mother was old and did not know the ways of the new world she lived in. So she decided to lose her in the jungle.

As they walked further and further and deeper into the jungle, she talked to her mother about her plans for the future, pleasantly chatting away so she can entertain her....so she wouldn't realize that they were already deep into the jungle and far away from home. Though it was just a ploy, she suddenly realized that her mother may already know what was about to happen. She wondered why she didn't give her any clue that she knew what was happening. Throughout the walk, her mother, probably in an effort to pass the time, kept on breaking branches from trees and throwing these branches along the side.

When the daughter finally decided that they had gone as deep as they could so she can leave her mother there, she asked her why she kept on breaking off the branches. Her mother sat on the ground, tired, spent, resigned to her fate, said: to ensure that you can find your way back home.

How we hate our parents

The title of this blog is misleading. I'd like to think that we can't really hate our parents. And there is some context to this. Take note of this scripture in Luke 14:26

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Of course further context is given once we inspect the footnotes referencing "hate" to Matthew 10:37-

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

It becomes obvious then what "hate" really means. As I write these thoughts that came to me as an epiphany after a year of trying to figure out something that was amiss, I hope that I can shed some light as to what I am trying to say here because I am organizing my thoughts as I go. The thing about some 'aha' moments for me is that sometimes an understanding of what perplexed me will come as a complex whole and I have to somehow pick at that fertile vision to understand its components so I can see how it affects my circumstances.

I am an Asian parent with a strong desire to mold and shape my children into what I think they need to be. It's ingrained in my DNA and culture--though I am not sure that this is cultural. I am certain that part of the nature of being a responsible parent is to fulfill that role. The responsibility is a sobering one especially for us as Latter-day Saints. But inextricably mixed into that mantra are variables that affect our own expectations that give shape to that proverbial mold--culture, socio-economic strata, education, caste, religion, experience, intelligence, circumstances, geographic regions and even trauma. 

The scriptures tell us that we are to raise our children in the ways of truth and righteousness. Under perfect circumstances our goal is to know the mind and will of the Father at all times. Thus the mold we use is not one of our own choosing or make but the one that not just resembles God but is identical. Unfortunately, our "mortal-ness" often enough does not allow for that clarity. Therein lies the rub and raising children as well as being raised by parents become a complex dance of choices, perspective and hopefully, elegant execution. And more often than we would like, it can also be an ugly chaos made up of bad choices, unhealthy and skewed outlooks on life, broken relationships and isolation. 

As parents, we are locked into that responsibility and duty to raise our children the best way we know how and often, despite the notion that we are educated and well-informed, our efforts will always be lacking. Nevertheless, we have no recourse but to do our best.

As we stumble through the process of parenting, it is inevitable that we have our own expectations that our children have to meet. Often, as in my case, expectations are related to our own inability to reach our own parents' expectations as well as our own expectations. The alternative is impossible and tragic. Not to have any expectations is impossible--positive or negative they may be. Expectations are ingrained in our own make-up.

The attention we give our children comes with a host of these expectations and haplessly, in my zeal to expect my own grade of excellence, these expectations can result in an enormous amount of pressure on my children. To combat and survive these pressures, children will often develop armours to guard against them. The armour they build around them protect them from their parents' disappointments for not reaching their daily 'quota' of good deeds or accomplishments, as well guilt and lack of confidence. Often the armour they use is anger. Or withdrawal. Or a compulsive need to do the opposite of what's expected. To rebel. And sadly, though the target of these aggressions or reactions are the parents, the ones who receive the most damage are the children themselves. Because most of their energy go into this resistance, children often feel confused--even empty. This sort of reaction, this armour is called a 'false self'--a personality that is developed to deal with a parents excessive expectations or even too little expectations. And oftentimes, this 'false self' will spill into other facets of their lives.

This phenomenon is universal in the western world. If this is so, how do we gain a balance so that our children can be raised without this pressure? And how do we gauge that from child to child when every child in the family is different? If there an answer to this? If this pressure is built into the ties that bind parents to their children and vice-versa, is it a losing proposition? Are we just supposed to rearrange the deck chairs in the Titanic?

I am a mother AND a daughter myself and as I ponder these observations, I am calmed by the knowledge that Christ has descended below all things. Yes, even below these pressure-cooker, nitro-glycerin packed relationships. He understands me from both angles--from the standpoint of a daughter who cannot satisfy her parents expectations, who feels like a failure and who still does not know what to be when she grows up. And He understands me from the standpoint of a mother who has devoted her time, energy and talents into raising four children and feels woefully guilty about her errors, omissions and poorly, lacking execution of parenting good sense.

At some point, as a daughter, it is my responsibility and choice to see my mother as an individual with hopes, dreams and a tremendous sense of responsibility. My mother can feel pain and guilt about her own lacks and mistakes. She also feels a great sense of loss that she seems to be so dismally incapable of improving her relationship with her children simply because she does not have the tools or wherewithal to do so. And I forgive her and appreciate her. And I know she did the best she could. Her very, very best. And I love her for it. There is much choice in this matter. I can now choose to disarm myself from all those pressures and become more at peace with myself forgiving myself for being so hard and blaming my parents. Most of all, I can choose to align myself with their expectations and realize that they existed solely because they are part of the nature of being parents. These are choices I can make and I can release myself from the shackles of these expectations and attempt to rise above them because achieving excellence is not a bad thing after all.

As a mother, I am beset with guilt over my own errors and irrational expectations---that I can hold my children hostage to all those demands. What can I do to appease the demands of my conscience? There is not much within my control because my peace has to come only from my own children's forgiveness, love and acceptance; and hopefully, appreciation. And it flows that way. It has to.

My father once visited me in a dream. He said to me, "Christie, I have something very important to tell you. Remember that what you do here on earth affects me here in the Spirit World." 

I thought that this notion was a novel one and so I asked him, "Papa, how do I know that it's you and not me dreaming this?" 

Then he said, "I am going to tell you a joke, that's how!"

He then proceeded to tell me a joke that unfortunately, I cannot quite translate into English because the joke will be lost. But the important point is that it is the exact kind of joke that only my father could have invented. I laughed so hard in my dream. And I woke up laughing. And I knew he had been with me.

Whatever I do affects my father who has now passed on for over 20 years. I believe that my forgiveness and love does affect him where he's at. And I do love him ever so much.

Unfortunately, because it goes this direction, I pray that my children will make kind choices regarding their mother and most especially, that they can understand how this phenomenon works so they can be at an advantage. Knowledge is a powerful tool and this understanding is what I can give them. This is why I write. Because what I wish is that they will carry on knowing that these expectations are inextricably woven into the fibers of parenthood and as they reach the level of maturity where they can be forgiving and kind, they can free themselves from the shackles of the pressure that comes with expectations. Unfortunately, these types of wisdom and understanding that comes not just by experience but by careful study, ruminating, assessing, contemplation and yes, personal revelation cannot be bequeathed to generations to come except by articulation. Every generation has to start over. At times realizations of this sort come by some divine serendipity.And thus, I write.

I hope that they can realize that they can be themselves without penalty of disappointment whether it be from their parents or themselves. The way we see the world is a choice that we make and that includes the way we can forgive our parents for having too much expectations that we can handle or too little that we need. I hope that the desire to know themselves more deeply through their parents can be magnified WITHOUT the experience of estrangement because all too frequently, we only realize the value of something when it is gone.

Finally, one never really knows what selfishness is without the experience of having children. There is order in this knowledge. And a calm reassurance in the knowledge that as my children have their own children, they will hopefully appreciate this phenomenon that I have described. And that as their own expectations are formed as they raise and mold their own children, they can perhaps find a better balance than I ever could have accomplished. But I am almost certain that there will be a point as they ponder that delicate balance when they will remember their mother and how much I love them....and how my dreams and hopes for their future were, after all, despite my many imperfections borne out of the same deep and abiding love that they now feel for their own children. And then they can remember me kindly. And so it goes. And on and on, worlds without end.

The Spectre of Expectations

Everyone has expectations. Some are obvious. Some can be deceiving. Yet some can be hidden. We all expect something from others and we all expect some things to happen. After all, without expectation, there can be no hope. Living up to others' expectations can be a dangerous matter. After all, our PERCEPTION of what others expect from us may be totally different from the real truth. And where we are in our lives sometimes makes this paradox more complicated.

As a young woman, I perceived that my parents' expectations were unreasonable. I wanted to blaze my own path and in my need for independence, I felt that I wanted to do the opposite of what they expected...or rather, the opposite of what I PERCEIVED to be their expectations. My parents had high standards for me. After all, I was a national science scholar so I felt that they expected me to excel in school, get graduate degrees and then become some kind of high ranking corporate mover and shaker....cure cancer or make the world better....make headlines and have alphabet soup after my name.  And as Mormons, I was also expected to marry someone in the temple when there was no temple in the Philippines or anyone desirable to take me there. Everything seemed stupid to me. And unattainably overwhelming. So I just wanted to rebel. And why not? I did not want to deliver to them any degree or any success. I guess I was afraid to fail. Or simply wanted to be my own person..different from anyone's expectations. I just wanted to be me. Now I have no idea now in my old age what the hell that means but that was my rallying cry. I just want to be "me". Now, less than 4 years before I turn 60, I just want to be what my parents wanted me to be. Oh how I wish.

The truth of the matter is, this has been the cycle for eons---young people wanting so much to exert independence at any cost---even if the cost will hurt them in the long run. As young people we never seem to want to acquiesce to the possibility that our parents or others who have gone before us are right. Here's a novel idea: if man only had one life to live and if let's say, we tracked down what those who have lived a long life have learned during their lifespan, what would they teach us that can help us....that can spare us unnecessary difficulties and allow us a head start? And why wouldn't we want that advantage? Are we stupid enough to want to suffer because it's OUR suffering and we own it? What kind of garbage shit is that?

Here's an observation: as an Asian and also as a Mormon, I've observed that most parents want their children to learn to play a musical instrument. It's like a moral imperative to have our children learn to at least play the hymns on the piano. And some children take to the lessons....and then some absolutely hate it and at some time during their teen years, they decide that they don't want to play or take lessons anymore because it's such a bother and mom is such a nag for MAKING them take piano lessons. Well, I've never....NEVER ever heard anybody say, "I hate my mother for MAKING me take piano lessons." And I've heard so many people lament about how foolish they were not to take advantage of their parents' generosity. Or even sadly, others lament that they never even had the opportunity to learn at all.

But what if what our parents expect from us are simply what's BEST for us? Here's what I know:

1. A college degree is NEVER a waste. A graduate degree is a definite advantage.

2. Parents have seen more things than you have so they can spot potential problems that you can't see or refuse to consider. So if they warn you, don't marginalize that or get offended. Time lived on earth MATTERS.

3. Parents have more experience than our peers and can 'see' and even foresee things that our peers can't. I mean, why ask for advise from someone who's going through the same jungle? Why not ask the ones who know the way through it?

4. If a parent provides opportunities for learning, growth, development of any talent or ability, or any kind of help, BE GRATEFUL.

5. One day when you have children, you will also want the best for them....no matter how you interpret what's best for them....and you will be convinced that what you think is best for them IS what's best for them.

6. All parents expect to be appreciated.

7. All parents appreciate their own parents after being parents themselves. And when their parents are gone, they wish they were still around so they can ask their advise.

8. There's nothing wrong with wanting our children to excel. It's a moral imperative as a parent. Even God himself expects us to 'make our calling and election sure'. (2 Peter 1:10)

9. Do not be disappointed if your parents advice coincides with what the Spirit compels you to do. Often the need to assert independence may take precedence over doing what's right just because what your parents advised you to do is actually what you should do and you don't want it to be right because you don't want to do what your parents advise you to do. RESIST this temptation. It is merely your own pride.

10. So what's wrong if your parents want you to have everything or expect you to be successful financially? Or expect you to excel? Or expect the best from you? Is that bad?

What I discovered is that in my old age, I just want a re-do and do the things my parents expected me to do. I wish I studied better. I wish I didn't goof off. I wish I had taken advantage of their sacrifices that allowed me to study abroad. I wish I had enjoyed their generosity and been more grateful. I wish I had seen that they are just humans...people trying to do their best with what they have been allotted in life. I wish I didn't have to ride my moral high horse so high. I wish I had tried harder. I wish I got that degree. I wish I didn't judge them so harshly. And now that I am old, I long to hear their stories and want so much to understand them as people....as my equal.

Expectations allow us to soar. It's a matter of attitude. We can change the world by adjusting how we view it. Life on earth is so precious that there must not be any waste longing for things that we don't have because the Lord has already given us so much. What we need to inspect and continue to assess and evaluate is how we are using the resources that we already have...to see the miracles and the divine providence of God in our lives. There are no accidents and coincidences. Even the challenges we have are there to refine us. And what we already hold in our hands may be the key to our full potential. With the balance of my life, I hope I can still fulfill those expectations that will allow me to excel and fulfill the full measure of my creation.

2258 F. Aragon Sta Ana, Manila. The five door apartment we used to own. We lived on the far left.

Me and Ellen, my sister. I am sitting on the chair and wearing my blue uniform. I am missing my grey tie. Ellen is wearing a pink uniform with a white collar and tie. This was the uniform for the Ellinwood Church Kindergarten School. I am in first grade at the Union Elementary School, Philippine Christian College. Our schools were across the street from each other. I am six years old and Ellen is 5. 

Performing in the USS Midway with Steven Boothe. I learned to play the guitar by myself and got so good that it allowed me to travel the world with BYU-Hawaii. My father set me up to learn from other musicians and taught me how to listen so I can play chords by ear. He had such huge plans for me. (July 1975. I was 19 years old)

Since my parents did not have sons, I was always expected to serve a mission. That was one expectation I was happy to have accomplished. It served me well. I was the first Filipino national to enter the MTC and the first Filipino to serve in Europe. This was taken in Logroño, Spain where I served 7 months. Happily.

Here I am a new mother with weeks old Jordan. On my face you can see how happy I was....how I had dreams and expectations that the baby I had in my arms will change the world. I think all mothers feel that way about their children. I can't imagine not having any dreams for my children. And conversely, I think its our responsibility as children to deal with that phenomenon in a manner that breeds joy and appreciation because the alternative is unthinkable....and sad. Its our responsibility to use this phenomenon to empower us instead of approach it as a millstone around our necks--or as an excuse to punish our parents for having dreams that are impossible to attain.