See Faux Go

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Why I Keep On Trying

So I finished digitizing nearly 2,000 slides...some of them ancient, from 1952. Most are faded and in varying degrees of degradation. I don't even know why I volunteered to take on this monstrous task. Perhaps there is a little part of me that craves some measure of appreciation though intellectually, I know that that will not happen because one thing that has been constant in over 20 years of dealing with Kurt's family is that if there is something I can do or excel at, there will be some way someone will turn things around so it becomes somehow a bad thing if not totally and deliberately ignored, sabotaged and dismissed. It's like the so-called crab mentality--when crabs are in an open container, no one needs to worry about any of them escaping because they grab at each other, pulling each other down until all are boiled alive. The sad part is that I never really craved any acceptance or appreciation in the beginning because I always thought I had them in spades. Yet somehow, as his little sisters grew, this crab-mentality phenomenon somehow was fostered and as others joined the family, they even added to the momentum.

In the beginning, I felt so blessed and fortunate that I was now part of a wonderful family with little sisters I could spoil and love to boot! But as time passed, I felt more and more diminished--realizing that there was a short-sighted, non-constructive mentality that began to prevail. It happened slowly but surely and I was left haplessly being swallowed in it. I became ironically, the favorite subject of gossip and scorn that unified the core members of the family until we reached the point where no one can figure out how to fix things. It just crept up so slowly but the grasp ever so tight.

I feel very sad about this. And so I keep on trying even when it has become acutely apparent to me that things have escalated to the point where the chasm is now so wide and seemingly irreparable rendering my efforts frustratingly small because my options have narrowed.

And yet, I've learned so much from these bitter experiences--lessons that I've tried to apply to my own family. Building a legacy of love and acceptance requires hard work and a whole lot of eating crow. When you think you can rest on your laurels and enjoy the fruits of your labours is really the time when you have to be at your most vigilant! As a mother, now with daughters-in-law and grandchildren, it's even more important to be self-aware. Family dynamics change all the time. That is the hope. It HAS to. So I find that I need to change also. In fact, it is IMPERATIVE that I change. And change is difficult. Falling in love with your daughters-in-law may happen in the beginning. But to maintain that love takes work. And I find that there is much for me to improve and I see it so clearly. Many times I fail so miserably. And yet I so appreciate that as I evaluate myself, there is always the promise of tomorrow as I pray to God that I can have another chance to redeem myself and get better. Even more importantly, I appreciate that the Spirit can and does call my attention to my follies and I can see them so clearly.... and as I receive personal revelation regarding how to improve, I find that I am always taken aback because what I am supposed to do to fix my mistake is ALWAYS the opposite of who I thought I was. In other words, why would I have to be given instructions to act differently if I were already acting accordingly, right? Thus, the required improvement is always, always a challenge because it is counter-intuitive-- it requires CHANGE. It requires a DIFFERENT you. So I am grateful for every day that I can change because many times, I am so sloooow. So I have to keep on praying that my family will be patient with me and forgive me.

I also find that when we resist these calls to change, our minds become dull and resistant. We become defensive because we don't want to change! And our family suffers. Discord ensues and in our ego-centric, defensive ways, we concentrate more on our own hurt and pain rather than becoming productive and increasing forethought or the ability to 'see far-off'. We begin to become short-sighted and resistant to change even if we know it's imperative to change. After all, the battle begins in your head because action has to come from an idea. And that is where the failure often happens--the inability to take action because we resist what is being impressed upon us. And as we get better at resisting, we advance to total rejection of that impression from the Spirit until we become addicted to bitterness. And drama.

So. Why do I keep on trying? Because I have to. Because I can see in my mind's eye the kind of family I want to have. Family is a dynamic, reverberating, intriguing and wonderful unit. It is where we can become better people. It is where we can receive more light and knowledge. It HAS to because it is the basic unit in God's kingdom. Our eternal lives depend on it. Generations depend on it. We are linked back and front and even sideways. I look forward to every new day when I can be better at it. And I hope I will have many, many days. I surely need them.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Antidotes: Just another poison?

Alice Faux: Yes, she is a quarter Asian and my 3rd grandchild.

I was at a Filipino restaurant getting some take-out lunch for Kurt when a nice, old man (probably close to my age...) smiled at me and for some reason, made a comment about the quantity of the food on his plate and how bad it was for his diabetes. I responded that perhaps he can eat just a little rice instead of the heap that Asians are wont to consume. He smiled again and said in his mellow Filipino accent that it was alright to binge because he "takes insulin". I nodded and said "that's great!".

That's great?? I suddenly realized the scope of his statement. Oh go ahead. Take that poison with gusto...then ingest the antidote later. Does that make sense? I chuckled to myself and realized that I would have not caught that because that is exactly how I live my life---taking the poison because there's an antidote.

On another note, Alice, our third grandchild, was given a name and a blessing last Sunday. It was a grand day! Some of Catherine's family came---her dad, brother and sisters. They are such a wonderful family and I enjoyed their company a lot---especially on Sunday afternoon when I wasn't tired and sleepy and more alive than Saturday night. I made just a simple meal of sloppy Joe's on whole wheat buns, my famous potato/beet salad, my pasta salad, chips and dip....some ice cream and red velvet cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory thanks to Stan Green! Yummy! Below is a photo of the event:

Hannah showing off her ninja skills. She and Tascha flew down from BYU.

Tascha and her winning smile!

I learned a lot during this weekend. I had been reading in D&C 93 about truth and light and the condescension of Christ. Many things were revealed to me about my relationship to the Saviour. So my heart was very tender.

Towards the last verses of this section, there is a warning to parents on the importance of teaching their children truth. I take that charge very, very seriously even now when my children are grown. It is so very important that I live my life in such a way that inspires, elevates and enriches. The way to do that is to always love them. You would think that loving your children is easy because...well, they are flesh of your flesh. Feeling that you love them is easy but acting upon those feelings is another challenge. Feeling a whole lot of love doesn't necessarily expunge bad habits or bad behaviour. But love is a verb so how we love, behave and exemplify love is a choice that we make. And sometimes those choices can be difficult. But one thing that's reliable is the fact that when we act responsibly, the quality of our lives and relationships improve beyond our expectations. But love and work have to exist on the same breath.

Extending love is necessary to have joy in one's posterity and that includes loving their spouses. In my case that is an easy thing to do because my sons married amazing women who are easy to love. But then again....I can feel that love but I need to also act upon it. I need to follow the Spirit and be sensitive to their needs and feelings. It is not an easy thing to integrate into a new family. It takes work....and that work continues every single day...just like a marriage. If there is any fissure at all in the relationships it is my responsibility to use my mantle as "mother" to take the steps necessary to gather them close to me, love them, reassure them and accept them---all the time making sure that they KNOW it. Sometimes those steps are difficult and seemingly beyond my capability. But it is amazing how all I have to do is desire it, want it and then attempt to take that very first step...and then God does the rest. It is as if the windows of heaven just open and I become that person who can do it even when I didn't think I could. There is great power there. What I cannot understand is how any mother can allow dysfunction to grow especially when she is already cognizant of the cause. Sometimes we latch on to excuses, blaming this and that and finding fault when the real solution is to change ourselves. And sometimes we let fear or the lack of faith take over and we concentrate on our own hurt and then build a wall around us ---a sort of hardening of our hearts like the uncircumcised heart mentioned in the scriptures. What's worse is when we feel tenderness but harden our hearts anyway because we get too caught up with our own pain not realizing that the release from that pain or hurt is to give in to that Spirit that tugs at your heart with tenderness. In time, we become too calloused to take any steps and then suddenly we realize that we've missed out on so much joy.

I learned this from experience and I don't ever want to have so much pride that I become unwilling or scared to do what is right and to bridge the gap. I can see me being that way and that scares me. I just have to be vigilant like the scriptures beckon us to be in those passages in section 93.

We also had the great occasion to visit my mother, my sister and my aunts in SoCal. Amazing! I just LOVE my aunts. They are so so amazing. And my mother still looks fabulous at 79! My Aunt Edith is 81 and moves and looks decades younger. So does my Aunt Nieva who is still gorgeous, fun and relatable at 75. You can just feel their intelligence in the room and I had such a great time with them. I love it that they don't talk bad about other family members or other people like my experience with my husband's family. So it's always positive and enriching to be with them and I went home happy and excited to plan another time when we can see them as soon as possible.

Mama, Aunti Edith, Auntie Nieva, and me.

I once mentioned that I usually take a xanax whenever we embarked on a visit to my husband's family. And that incident at the restaurant gave me pause about that fact. I guess that there are things that just are and so we need an antidote...just like my diabetes. It will always lurk in my body and I will always have to take some medication to calm the sugar that sticks to my red blood cells and in turn creates a toxic environment in my body. Diabetes destroys vital organs and wreaks havoc in our system. So I am happy that there is an antidote. And I am also grateful that I know how to put diabetes in a place where it can't cause much damage. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Capping the Year 2010: We Are family!!

We had so much fun making this video! Thanks to Jordan who organized it and enthused everyone to join in. I've been wanting to do this for YEARS and he finally got it initiated. Because blogspot limits the size of the video file, the movie quality is much compromised. But I am sending the DVDs to friends and family.

I love that our family is close and enjoy each other's company. My sons married wonderful choice women who make life easy and joyful for me---as their mom-in-law. I so enjoy them and feel like they are true family. Personally, I've been so blessed. That's indubitable and my sons are amazing men who treat their wives with tenderness and thought.

My wonderful daughters are also simply amazing. They are who I want to be when I grow up. The young men who will marry them better have a good idea that they are the catch of the century. They are elegant thinkers and do much good work. They are kind, loving and tender. And as if being highly intelligent and kind weren't enough, they are both gorgeous creatures.

So--enjoy this little piece. I had the best time editing the many videos we took. I thought it would be a feat to synch them but it was easy as pie. Maybe it's because I was just having the time of my time!

************

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Adventures in Macaronnage

Of course I have to make like I'm some kind of snot. I'm thinking in French!

J'ai toujours vu que pour réussir dans le monde, il fallait avoir l'air fou et être sage.

I've been enthralled since I had Parisian macarons at the historic Oscar's at the Waldorf Hotel. I've searched for recipes even when I didn't know what they were even called. I happened to find these delectable confections again while walking around mid-town Manhattan, San Francisco and yeah---even Ala Moana Mall in Honolulu! The unfortunate part is that I didn't even make the connection that these lovely cookies were French and so I missed out on macaron splurges whilst traipsing around Paris! So this holiday season, I decided that I must try and perfect making these lovely concoctions.

I quickly discovered that there are a host of things that could go wrong in achieving macaron perfection. Humidity is but one. But most of all, the actual macaronnage---the art of mixing the egg whites with the almond flour and sugar until that perfect juncture--that point when the planets and moons align---that perfect juxtaposition of enough whipped air, egg white consistency and magical balance of all things good is reached. One more fold of the spatula and the macarons fail. One less whip and you end up with a sorry mess in the oven. Or try making the batter on a humid, rainy day...you get moosh. Just a dozen things can go wrong. But I am undaunted. Below is a photo of what they should look like:

So, I decided that on my maiden voyage into this unknown territory, I should start with gusto and make chocolate macarons with hazelnut filling.

I started out with 3 egg whites, adding 5 tbs of super fine granulated sugar.

I just whipped the darn thing until it forms a beak....like a bird's beak or bec d'oiseau in French.

Meanwhile, prior to even messing with the egg whites, I've already processed some skinless, blanched almonds on my Cuisinart to a fine meal and then did it again with confectioner's sugar and Dutched-processed chocolate to blend all dry ingredients together.

Then, with a rubber spatula, I began the task of macaronnage--blending the egg whites with the dry ingredients until it reached that peak. Or what I thought was the right moment. Below is the point where I am about to blend dry ingredients with the egg white batter.

It's a good idea to prepare your bag and tip beforehand and place them in a tall glass or pitcher making sure that you clip the end so the batter does not leak out of the tip.

Then you are ready to pipe the batter onto prepared cookie sheets. I had already lined them with parchment paper and even made 1 inch circles so I can pipe them neatly. Remember to turn the paper upside down so you don't pipe the batter onto the pencil marks. Note that my piping skills were BAD considering I used to decorate cakes! The thing is, I did not expect the batter to be so runny....that took me by surprise. So my circles were not even....or perfectly round.

I let these puppies 'dry' for about 30 minutes before I popped them in 350 degree oven, crossed my fingers and hoped I would have my beginner's luck. Hahahaha!! Not to be!

To my horror, 6 minutes into baking, my macarons grew enormous feet!! OK. Macarons are supposed to have the famous 'feet' or 'pied' that makes them...well, macarons. I had skirts. Wah wah wah!!

Here they are after 15 minutes of baking. Absolute disaster! But I was undeterred. I sighed, kept my head up and proceeded to fill them with hazelnut spread (Nutella). THEY WERE DELICIOUS!! And the consistency was perfect albeit the appearance disastrous. Bet you wish you could taste this: It was heavenly!

Not to be foiled by my virginal attempt, I proceeded to clean up all my equipment to start another batch. Crazy?? Nah....determined. So this time, I was not going to fail. So I went back to the web to search for troubleshooting information, pondered a bit, reviewed what I had done and determined to cure them.

Next: My second attempt: Raspberry lemon macarons.

I had a hunch that the problem was with my spankin' brand new Jennair convection ovens. Happily, the new Jennair ovens took less space so I had a cabinet guy put in a new drawer under the pair. Awesome

I had to make conversions because convection ovens are happily more efficient than regular ovens. I adjusted the temperature to 318 degrees F for good measure and because 318 just sounded better than 320 or 315. (Even if the awesome computer in the oven can make the proper conversions from convection to regular ovens...)

Oh and while I'm mentioning ovens I might as well also mention that my next project will be to get an induction cooktop that Wolf or Thermador make. Doing so might wake the gourmet cook in me. After all, I did take many cooking classes in college!

So back to the macarons. I decided to go girl power and use my food colour gels and go for neon pink macarons. Here they are all ready to 'dry'.

This time, I made the following adjustments: Longer drying time. I let them sit for at least an hour. Lower oven temperature. Less macaronnage time. Added 3 minutes to bake time. And I did not forget to tap the sheets on the granite countertop to avoid air bubbles. After 6 minutes in the oven, here's what I saw:

Macarons in pink splendour with PERFECT FEET!! Ahhh la la. Tres magnifique! C'est bon! I quickly danced the Snoopy dance. Perfection feels so good. Here they are in all their glory! And they popped out of the parchment paper with nary a problem.

And the finished product---VOILA! Raspberry macarons with lemon curd filling. This has quickly become everybody's favorite flavour.

Next: Getting more confident.

I am getting almost a bit cocky now that I've made a few more batches and they've all turned out ok. By OK, I mean that they have good pied (feet) and excellent consistency...meaning not too crunchy but chewy with a soft middle. Delectable. What I am still working on: shiny tops and better handling of the piping bag so my macarons are all the SAME SIZE. I may need a different size tip. I'll have to experiment on that.

Above are my pandannus flavoured macarons rising with feet beautifully. I filled these with white chocolate ganache. And here they are below all paired and waiting to be filled.

So far, I've made chocolate macarons with hazelnut filling, pink raspberry ones with lemon curd filling, lavander coloured coconut macarons which turned light brown in the oven (I will have to lower baking temperature for purple to retain their colours...) filled with dulce de leche (YUM), green pandannus (very fragrant leaves made into herbal tea in East Asia..) with white chocolate ganache and finally, I tried a different food colour (powdered) and did another batch of violet macarons flavoured with orange essence and filled with citrus (orange) white chocolate ganache. I've ordered some passion fruit and mango essense/oil flavourings and I'm venturing into making exotic flavours. I am only going to get better and soon I will have mastered the making of Parisian macarons. (I only hope that crazy person from Idaho who likes to 'put one over me' does not try to make these just for that reason. It's just....so incredibly sophomoric. But I'm sure she wouldn't even know the meaning of that word. But I am flattered that she makes me THE ONE to set her sights on bettering. That makes me superior. HAHAHA!!)

Padannus flavoured macarons filled with white chocolate ganache

Orange flavoured macarons with orange-white chocolate ganache.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Male Freak-out Syndrome

I married my best friend. And I am convinced it is the only way to go because we have a wonderful family and home life. And it is wonderful to spend days and eternity with your best friend. It was an easy decision for me because I knew marrying my best friend came with a long list of advantages. But for men, there are more steps involved.

Here now, young men, are the steps that my husband took to complete the task of marrying the girl of his dreams-- (I am assuming that you already have a girl who is your best friend.)

1. Spend a lot of time together because it's just fun.
2. Hold hands, cuddle, kiss.
3. Spend a lot of time together.
4. Freak out because you realize you're not ready for a relationship and it's going too fast.
5. Ask why things can't just remain the same and propose that you still hang out without actually 'dating'.
6. Tell your friends that you are not really dating but just hanging out.
7. Decide that you will pull back and find other friends.
8. Realize that you are really missing her.
9. Spend more time together because it's just fun.
10. Freak out again. This time, lie and tell her that you can't get too serious because there's a girl in your hometown you want to check out first.
11. Punch yourself in the head because you don't know why you did #10.
12. See if she'll be willing to spend more time with you but not really date.
14. Spend more time together because it's just fun.
15. Freak out again because it's going too fast and now she really wants a commitment. Lie and tell her you need to find a job first and save enough money to get married.
16. Ask if you can just hang out but not date.
17. Spend more time together because it's just fun.
18. Freak out again because she is talking about marriage.
19. Find a get away car...i.e., tell her that you want to check out other colleges or go on a study abroad program.
20. If you're really dumb, you'd stop here and lose her. Then someone else gets to marry the girl of your dreams and your best friend.
21. If you skipped #20, then you beg her to take you back.
22. You take stock and leap that leap of faith because now you know you can't stand the thought of losing her.
23. Propose marriage and find a ring.
24. Freak out again and pretend that you forgot your parent's phone number and tell her you need time to break the news to your parents.
25. She dials the number for you and you break the news.
26. You finally have to set a wedding date.
27. Spend more time together because it's fun.
28. You freak out the night before your wedding and that freak-out moment manifests itself by your forgetting the ring half-way to the temple.
29. You finally get married and you are the happiest man in the world.
30. Spend more time together because it's just fun.

And for the rest of your life every day becomes a decision to love her more. You learn to communicate your fears now and freak-out times become few and far in between. You've married your best friend and you couldn't be happier.

Freak out events are really just those times when fear takes the place of faith. Every relationship has to progress and progress requires some measure of irritant or 'catalyst' to move forward. Otherwise, the relationship becomes stale. Those freak-out events are really doors that open in front of you and you don't know what's inside but you know you have to go in and find out. And that's scary. It will take faith to take that leap.

Mathematical problems always have givens. Take stock of those givens--those things you already know because it will be those givens that will give you the courage to overcome fear.

Freak-out events are essential to the growth of your relationship because it provides opportunities to exercise the skills of crucial communicating. This is the skill you will need throughout your life together...when forces within and outside bring some trepidation and thus require problem-solving skills-- skills that need a best friend's hand.

Now back to my homework.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Finally 'growed' up and about to leave the coup.

Hours before my first airplane ride. A few days after I turned 19. Leaving for the US.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Three Generations of Fauxes in Hawaii

Faux, Party of Ten


Lucy, Tascha, Catherine, Leland, Jack, Hannah, Kurt, Christie, Jordan & Rose FAUX

Our 8 day adventure in the island of Oahu has just ended and I woke up this morning a bit disoriented and perplexed that I am not smelling the ocean breeze outside the lanai that overlooks a beautiful panorama of mountains and ocean. I am back in the desert. Drat! But tonight, the temperature is tolerable (about 92°F) and the girls are in the pool with David Scow who just returned from the Philippines San Pablo LDS mission. His Tagalog is awesome and we are enjoying his visit. Needless to say Tascha and Hannah are absolutely GORGEOUS with their golden tanned glowy skin.

Leland and his family are going back to BYU tomorrow. And Hannah will take the early flight out as well. I am trying not to think about it and remain stoic. But my heart is definitely being squashed into a pulp.

I am so grateful that we can provide these opportunities for our children to enjoy the beauty of Hawaii and to see how marvelous the Polynesian culture is. We attended the Halealoa Ward near Ko'Olina where we stayed. Sacrament meeting was just phenomenal. We were greeted by wonderful people and we felt so welcome and wanted. The speakers were so spiritual and their messages so well-organized in thought and presentation. I was touched by one young man who apparently was leaving the ward and his expressions of appreciation and gratitude for his leaders and the support he feels from the ward. He was very tender. We were so happy we attended all the meetings. Sunday School was taught by a retired teacher and she was awesome. Her lesson was straight from the scriptures and she commanded attention. There was good participation from the class. Relief Society was even better. Five little girls came to sing and Lucy was one of them. It was so jarring to see Lucy--so very haole, among the beautiful little mixed Polynesian girls. With them, you can see how Lucy blends perfectly with their features even if she has light skin and green eyes. It was quite a revelation to me. She can pass for a little island girl quite easily.

The lesson given by the RS teacher was fabulous and the love I felt in the room was palpable. The only thought that came to me was--I need to move here as soon as possible. Last time we were here, we attended the Makakilo Ward and the feeling was the same.

I love that there is such a wonderful feeling of aloha in the islands. They don't require much to love. They just do it so freely. The thing that scares me is that every time I go back, I am hit with the realization that I'm so 'haole-fied' or westernized because I feel it. I feel the difference. I don't know how to explain it but I recognize this aloha spirit and how it was a part of me and now, over 20 years later, I can see that it has left me. I just want it back.

This is why every time I return to Nevada, I feel so sad. I mean, I can carry that feeling with me but it's so hard when the people that surround me do not have it. There are too many limitations and requirements to be loved. And there's too many fears and risks to consider---ie, "you can't love that person bec he's going to leave anyway..." or "I can't love my son's girlfriend because what if they don't make it?"....or "I can't love them too much because I'm leaving in a few weeks..... " Or...."I can't love him like a son because I already have a son....or "...like a mother because I already have a mother".... as if one mother is the limit. Or you can only treat someone as family if they are blood. Or whatevah. In the islands, there is no limit to the number of women who can love you as your mother would. Nor is there a limit to the number of children a mother can love. There are 'aunties' and 'uncles' and 'mamas' and 'papas' and 'cousins'. No limit. In the islands, they just love and it's most likely because you never know how much time you have. That's the point. Not the excuse. I love that my friends' children call me 'auntie'.

I am also beset by an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that the Lord has provided us with the means to have all this possible. I am so so paranoid about being ungrateful. I hope I will always remember that everything we have and enjoy is a gift.

In time, the house will be empty again and everything will be in place. My kitchen will sparkle and my floors will not be sticky. And I will be sitting on my couch longing for the laughter and squealings of my little keikis. And I will be longing for conversation with my super intelligent children.

But for now, I am going to the family room to watch a Korean movie with them. Perhaps even have a laugh or two.