Why I Keep On Trying

So I finished digitizing nearly 2,000 slides...some of them ancient, from 1952. Most are faded and in varying degrees of degradation. I don't even know why I volunteered to take on this monstrous task. Perhaps there is a little part of me that craves some measure of appreciation though intellectually, I know that that will not happen because one thing that has been constant in over 20 years of dealing with Kurt's family is that if there is something I can do or excel at, there will be some way someone will turn things around so it becomes somehow a bad thing if not totally and deliberately ignored, sabotaged and dismissed. It's like the so-called crab mentality--when crabs are in an open container, no one needs to worry about any of them escaping because they grab at each other, pulling each other down until all are boiled alive. The sad part is that I never really craved any acceptance or appreciation in the beginning because I always thought I had them in spades. Yet somehow, as his little sisters grew, this crab-mentality phenomenon somehow was fostered and as others joined the family, they even added to the momentum. 

In the beginning, I felt so blessed and fortunate that I was now part of a wonderful family with little sisters I could spoil and love to boot! But as time passed, I felt more and more diminished--realizing that there was a short-sighted, non-constructive mentality that began to prevail. It happened slowly but surely and I was left haplessly being swallowed in it. I became ironically, the favorite subject of gossip and scorn that unified the core members of the family until we reached the point where no one can figure out how to fix things. It just crept up so slowly but the grasp ever so tight.

I feel very sad about this. And so I keep on trying even when it has become acutely apparent to me that things have escalated to the point where the chasm is now so wide and seemingly irreparable rendering my efforts frustratingly small because my options have narrowed. 

And yet, I've learned so much from these bitter experiences--lessons that I've tried to apply to my own family. Building a legacy of love and acceptance requires hard work and a whole lot of eating crow. When you think you can rest on your laurels and enjoy the fruits of your labours is really the time when you have to be at your most vigilant! As a mother, now with daughters-in-law and grandchildren, it's even more important to be self-aware. Family dynamics change all the time. That is the hope. It HAS to. So I find that I need to change also. In fact, it is IMPERATIVE that I change. And change is difficult. Falling in love with your daughters-in-law may happen in the beginning. But to maintain that love takes work. And I find that there is much for me to improve and I see it so clearly. Many times I fail so miserably. And yet I so appreciate that as I evaluate myself, there is always the promise of tomorrow as I pray to God that I can have another chance to redeem myself and get better. Even more importantly, I appreciate that the Spirit can and does call my attention to my follies and I can see them so clearly.... and as I receive personal revelation regarding how to improve, I find that I am always taken aback because what I am supposed to do to fix my mistake is ALWAYS the opposite of who I thought I was. In other words, why would I have to be given instructions to act differently if I were already acting accordingly, right? Thus, the required improvement is always, always a challenge because it is counter-intuitive-- it requires CHANGE. It requires a DIFFERENT you. So I am grateful for every day that I can change because many times, I am so sloooow. So I have to keep on praying that my family will be patient with me and forgive me.

I also find that when we resist these calls to change, our minds become dull and resistant. We become defensive because we don't want to change! And our family suffers. Discord ensues and in our ego-centric, defensive ways, we concentrate more on our own hurt and pain rather than becoming productive and increasing forethought or the ability to 'see far-off'. We begin to become short-sighted and resistant to change even if we know it's imperative to change. After all, the battle begins in your head because action has to come from an idea. And that is where the failure often happens--the inability to take action because we resist what is being impressed upon us. And as we get better at resisting, we advance to total rejection of that impression from the Spirit until we become addicted to bitterness. And drama.

So. Why do I keep on trying? Because I have to. Because I can see in my mind's eye the kind of family I want to have. Family is a dynamic, reverberating, intriguing and wonderful unit. It is where we can become better people. It is where we can receive more light and knowledge. It HAS to because it is the basic unit in God's kingdom. Our eternal lives depend on it. Generations depend on it. We are linked back and front and even sideways. I look forward to every new day when I can be better at it. And I hope I will have many, many days. I surely need them.