Age and its Secret World

I recently received a comment on my Facebook page that was quite a compliment-- an acquaintance confessed that she was "secretly jealous" of how young I look. Woo hoo! I often get asked why I look young and when I look at old photos of me, I can see why there is a bit of surprise about that. There is a huge improvement because I looked OLDER when I was younger. Well, for one, weight DOES add age to how I look. I weighed nearly 40 pounds more at 178 lbs nearly 4 years ago. That was quite a change....a slow one. I think I ate terribly and all that showed up in inflammations and bloating. What we eat ultimately shows up on our faces. And I was not a water drinker. That shows up too. My habits have changed since diabetes. I think diabetes made a difference in my life because I started to care about myself.

I also don't FEEL 56. Instead, I feel like I've lived a few lifetimes in different times and places. Different cultures and spaces. And in every age, circumstance, environment and situation, I've looked at the world through different lenses. And my behaviour-- how I reacted to the world around me, changed accordingly. This is an insight that few people ever take advantage of. We all KNOW it, but not everyone can actually USE this knowledge in a way that will maximize learning and/or how we react to others.

Quite recently, I heard someone try to reprimand a young 4 year old. I hear this type of one-sided exchange frequently....especially whilst shopping or eating out. I watch parents haplessly yell, scream, threaten, talk down, smack...etc their little kids as they run around a restaurant. I've had many mothers advise me to bite my 2 year old whenever he bites me or his brother. I've seen parents get annoyed with their kids when they ask questions like "Why dad?" endlessly...so annoyed that words like "will you shut up already?" freely fly from their mouths. I've seen cold exchanges between young teenagers who talk back at their parents as their parents in turn, threaten them or foolishly negotiate them to behave a certain way. It's craziness at its best.

Learning how people behave within certain age brackets is a notion that is not visited enough though it is a huge factor in promoting harmony, tenderness and love within a family. At 18 months, most children will bite. No one really knows why but they do. Each one of my children bit me and their siblings. My second son would bite so hard his head would shake like a rottweiler and my arms had bruises from his bites. Then he would bite his brother too. Or anyone for that matter. But never did I consider biting him to 'teach him not to bite' others. As if recreating bad behaviour were the key to teaching others to behave better! Madness! Recognizing that this behaviour comes with the territory of that age and therefore understanding that there is no malice intended nor that I didn't give birth to an evil spawn is an advantage. I can anticipate when they are going to bite and try to deflect their intuitive behaviour by giving them something to bite first. Or I simply watch them vigilantly to make sure no biting among the siblings happen. It takes time and patience and yes, I exchanged cleaning the house, reading a book, napping or whatever else I wanted to do for the required time to be vigilant. During that span of time which usually takes several months, I kept my toddler busy doing other things until the compulsion to bite others abates. In the process, we haplessly created wonderful moments together. No anguish, no crying, no yelling, no strife. Sure, sometimes there will be slips along the way but I find that I am able to resume calmness and all is made well as I take the bitten one in my arms and give him or her more attention than they can handle and suddenly, they are alright and ready to return playing again. All is forgiven and calm is restored. There are unexpected, wonderful consequences in the knowing and in the execution of calm resolutions in understanding what behaviours are unique and intrinsic in each age bracket.

Interestingly, most of us become parents during such a time when we are most selfish and are full of zeal and desire to become all that we can be. It comes with our age bracket. Around our 20s and 30s, we are full of ourselves and are seldom teachable. This is the time when we think we know everything and understand the world better than our parents. I believe that there is a reason for this. And it's to our advantage if we so choose. There are many points where circles may intersect and the areas where they overlap depend on where these points lie. And it is up to us to figure out where these areas are and how we can best maximize the benefits.

When children turn 2 or so, they like to ask questions. So why reprimand them for their nature and disposition that God intended for them to have to promote growth and development? Extraordinary things happen when a parent takes the time to look....REALLY look at their children and give them well-thought of, sincere answers. These are teaching moments. If we take the time to answer the first question, take them in our arms, open a book or tell a story on the subject matter....or make up a story....miracles happen. Sure the laundry may not be done and that blogging may not happen....but the miracles that occur when we maximize our stewardship as parents is legion....and totally unimaginable by too busy, too wound up parents. The biggest mistake parents make is to expect their children to behave 'appropriately' by their own standards without taking the time to really THINK about the nature and disposition of their children's age brackets. Babies will cry. Toddlers will run, jump and do amazing feats every chance they get. And most children will get moody when they're tired. Children between 8-12 get very moody and have difficulty bridging being little children and becoming teenagers. Quite amazingly, this is the age bracket when parents and especially mothers begin to 'lose' their children. They think they are suddenly old enough to be left alone or too old to be babied, read to or hugged. Then suddenly they become teenagers with their own set of new behaviours and then mothers pose the usual question: what the heck happened to my child?? The better question should be: where was I when they were becoming teenagers? The burden is upon US parents to KNOW these things and catch them....use the knowledge to all of our advantage.

Children between 5 to 9 LOVE to have conversation. Unfortunately, this is also the time when mothers are far too busy to provide this. It takes TOO MUCH TIME AND EFFORT. And in the process of missing out on this opportunity provided by their age bracket because of laziness and incorrect expectations, we develop a way to 'converse' with our children called 'talking AT them" or looking at them higher than their eyes. We forget to LOOK at our children's faces because we are too uptight in EXPECTING behaviour from them APPROPRIATE to our own prideful expections of how they should behave. So we tell them to "behave appropriately" or tell them that "their behaviour is inappropriate". My advise is "TURN IT AROUND" and learn about how they must be thinking, growing, asking, needing. We MUST PROVIDE THEM WITH THEIR VOICES and give meaning to their emotions. This, to our earthly disadvantage, requires TIME and serious, contemplative thought. And a whole lot of unselfish consideration outside of ourselves...outside of our ego. Unfortunately, we mostly find ourselves simply too busy....and too selfish. In any case, if children do not FEEL LOVED, no amount of correction will be effective let alone be far-reaching in its influence. In the past, adults felt that fear was an effective tool to correct behaviour. It isn't. Love is. Christ himself provided this example and the scriptures are replete with knowledge that conveys this principle. In any age bracket, we have no right to correct if we don't first, LOVE. And when we do exert firmness, we must IMMEDIATELY show an increase in love. This is heaven's formula for success.

Children WILL run around in restaurants and open spaces. It is our responsibility and privilege to get to CHOOSE where this behaviour will take place...and when. And we must be wise and creative enough to figure out 1) how to restructure that behaviour, 2) choose the environment and 3) creatively and thoughtfully replace/deflect or harness their boundless energy to everyone's advantage and JOY. In due time, there is also an age bracket when our children begin to think that they know everything and will no longer need or seek our help, opinion or even approval. That's the time when as parents, we are no longer 'cool' and awesome. If we KNOW and understand how this behaviour works, where it comes from and why, we can again harness that energy---turn it around so it benefits everyone. All these intrinsic, intuitive dispositions are part of human development and refinement and are necessary. Understanding them opens up a secret world full of brightness, knowledge, understanding, oneness and most of all, JOY.

There is much to say about age and behaviour. There is much to learn about how to be creative and imaginative about using this information to edify all whom we love. And there is much I have learned whilst swimming in all of this way above my head. And yet, somehow, God gave me this awareness in such an exquisitely clear and tender way. I believe it was because He gave me the most unbelievable children and this blessing came to me for their benefit....DESPITE my ego and in spite of my weaknesses.

In order to freely see our children, we need to check our baggage outside our homes and put on a new set of lenses. Because in our age bracket---or rather, when we become parents, we take upon us the most noble of all labours and neither fame nor fortune can trump that. And no amount of marginalizing this responsibility can erase the reality that parenting is the most refining and noblest endowment we can ever receive from God.

As our children age and become parents themselves, we suddenly hop into a new age bracket where we realize that our parents accomplished more than we gave them credit. We realize that we were mostly improvising. And we suddenly want to become more teachable. Hopefully, we can find an overlapping area with our children and develop new relationships based on our newly-found wisdom and realizations. That's when we can watch and see how everything that we deemed important and everything we expected are totally different. Hopefully things will unfold and we will have joy in watching our children become better versions of ourselves. The alternative is unthinkable.

My wonderful sons, Leland (2yrs) and Jordan (3yrs).