My "Aha!" Moments For This WeekI am about to make a huge pot of my decadent and sinfully delicious chili. It seems overcast outside but no sign of rain. After all, I live in the desert so the day may feign a threat of rain but its only an illusion. After all, I live near Vegas. Figures.
It's amazing to me that when I was younger, I thought I knew so much and could move forward through the world with so much confidence. As I learn more about life and as I pass through many experiences good and bad, I realize how little I know. Sometimes, a sudden realization seizes me and I am aghast at how ignorant I was...passing through what was or should have been obvious and yet not connecting the dots.
The latest 'Aha!" moment came just a few weeks ago. I had a student who was so disruptive and just sucked the life and spirit out of my classroom with her attention-starved antics. Days would pass and I would get more and more frustrated with her so much so that I started disliking her. I dreaded going back to class because of her. I would spend sleepless nights trying to think of ideas to curtail her disruptive behaviour. One morning, she came to class extremely early and as I saw her, I wanted to just throw everything and go home. But a voice inside my head said: take this opportunity! Get to know her. Find a way to love her! The resistance I had against those inner commands was strong. "No way am I going to pretend I like her because I don't." But I KNEW without a doubt that the only way to achieve any measure of success in changing someone's behaviour was to change mine. And I KNEW that feeling the way I did about her was totally wrong. But I'm only human right? And that gave me the excuse to behave and feel badly. I KNEW it. But I couldn't execute the correct behaviour from myself even if I knew what I had to do. Knowing full well the consequences of not acting upon good insight, I decided to try and execute what I knew was the right thing to do: to turn around and genuinely be interested in her---to get to know her. I only had 10 precious minutes before everyone would start filing in. I had to act. So I decided to 'pretend to like her' and as soon as I made that decision, a wonderful thing happened. In an instance, I felt tender inside. I could see her. I could see her spirit---her wonderful exuberance, her talents, her intelligence....and her need for love. We talked. At first it was awkward but quickly I found commonalities that were exciting to me. I began to see her in a totally different way. Days later, she didn't come to class and I missed her so terribly. Class just wasn't the same without her. And it occurred to me how easy it was to love her. And I do love her. I did not have to resort to clever classroom tactics. I did not have to become a slick, clever teacher. All that was needed was for me to love her. And it has made the difference. There is a peace in my class now. No...she didn't change much. She is still wonderfully exuberant. But my behaviour changed and her exuberance is no longer disruptive but in fact, a fabulous ingredient that makes my class a wonderful place for me to be spending my early morning hours.
What I learned is that though we may know what true principles need to be followed and incorporated into our behaviour, the execution of those principles vary every single time they need to be executed. Sometimes it's easy to execute. ANd then just when you think you have it down pat, you get faced with a challenge. We just cannot be complacent. We just have to keep on plugging along---learning and growing and getting better. I can see how easily pride can creep in and suddenly you are fighting with yourself because you think you can get a pass and get away with not behaving well just because you think you've already learned your lesson and you're all huffy and puffy already 'good'. Then before you know it, you're just trying to figure out how you got to be so miserable and crabby. And old. I think learning to be a better person keeps you young. Perhaps a nice little unexpected benefit.
It's amazing to me that when I was younger, I thought I knew so much and could move forward through the world with so much confidence. As I learn more about life and as I pass through many experiences good and bad, I realize how little I know. Sometimes, a sudden realization seizes me and I am aghast at how ignorant I was...passing through what was or should have been obvious and yet not connecting the dots.
The latest 'Aha!" moment came just a few weeks ago. I had a student who was so disruptive and just sucked the life and spirit out of my classroom with her attention-starved antics. Days would pass and I would get more and more frustrated with her so much so that I started disliking her. I dreaded going back to class because of her. I would spend sleepless nights trying to think of ideas to curtail her disruptive behaviour. One morning, she came to class extremely early and as I saw her, I wanted to just throw everything and go home. But a voice inside my head said: take this opportunity! Get to know her. Find a way to love her! The resistance I had against those inner commands was strong. "No way am I going to pretend I like her because I don't." But I KNEW without a doubt that the only way to achieve any measure of success in changing someone's behaviour was to change mine. And I KNEW that feeling the way I did about her was totally wrong. But I'm only human right? And that gave me the excuse to behave and feel badly. I KNEW it. But I couldn't execute the correct behaviour from myself even if I knew what I had to do. Knowing full well the consequences of not acting upon good insight, I decided to try and execute what I knew was the right thing to do: to turn around and genuinely be interested in her---to get to know her. I only had 10 precious minutes before everyone would start filing in. I had to act. So I decided to 'pretend to like her' and as soon as I made that decision, a wonderful thing happened. In an instance, I felt tender inside. I could see her. I could see her spirit---her wonderful exuberance, her talents, her intelligence....and her need for love. We talked. At first it was awkward but quickly I found commonalities that were exciting to me. I began to see her in a totally different way. Days later, she didn't come to class and I missed her so terribly. Class just wasn't the same without her. And it occurred to me how easy it was to love her. And I do love her. I did not have to resort to clever classroom tactics. I did not have to become a slick, clever teacher. All that was needed was for me to love her. And it has made the difference. There is a peace in my class now. No...she didn't change much. She is still wonderfully exuberant. But my behaviour changed and her exuberance is no longer disruptive but in fact, a fabulous ingredient that makes my class a wonderful place for me to be spending my early morning hours.
What I learned is that though we may know what true principles need to be followed and incorporated into our behaviour, the execution of those principles vary every single time they need to be executed. Sometimes it's easy to execute. ANd then just when you think you have it down pat, you get faced with a challenge. We just cannot be complacent. We just have to keep on plugging along---learning and growing and getting better. I can see how easily pride can creep in and suddenly you are fighting with yourself because you think you can get a pass and get away with not behaving well just because you think you've already learned your lesson and you're all huffy and puffy already 'good'. Then before you know it, you're just trying to figure out how you got to be so miserable and crabby. And old. I think learning to be a better person keeps you young. Perhaps a nice little unexpected benefit.
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I've again started seeing my trainer at the gym. I do enjoy it but it is HARD. I hate sweating and I hate feeling that 'exertion' feeling. But then in the end, it does feel good to have a good sweat. This is one area where I really need help. I just need to learn to love working out. And I can see that I can. I keep on 'failing' but I guess this time, I realized that every time I 'fail' I just need to stop getting stupid and keep on trying. Besides no one ever learns from succeeding all the time. Failure is a better teacher.
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Another 'aha' moment I had this week is realizing that when I am away from my children, the way I think about them is always the way they were when they lived at home---as my 'children'. But every time I go and see them I realize that there is a very, very wide chasm between how I perceive them and what's real. Here's what's real: they are independent, smart, savvy and completely capable of making mature decisions. If I really am honest, they are 10 times more capable than I was at their age. So I can worry, nag and repeat myself but that's not going to help them or elevate them by any stretch of the imagination. Every single time I talk to them or see them I learn something about myself...well, specifically, how I can be better. I am inspired by them. We are now on equal footing. I just have more experience. Nevertheless, true principles can be executed and learned at any age and I can be learning too as they do the same. In some areas, they are my superior. And in others, they can certainly benefit from my experiences. And it's all an equal give and take.
But I can still worry, nag and repeat myself because I am a mother. And that's that
2 comments:
I love this post Mom! Especially the part about getting huffy and puffy because we're already "good."
I also like your hair!
I also like this post. And your hair.
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