THAT UNEXPECTED WAVE
My father died nearly 18 years ago. He was only 59 years old and until he found out he had late stage liver cancer, felt indestructible. Hannah was barely a year old. She does not remember him at all. And she will graduate from high school in about 10 days. She will deliver the valedictory address. My father would have loved to have been there. I believe he would have moved heaven and hell to be there. Can he do it from where he's at? Can I hold him to that now that he's passed on? For a moment there, I felt out of control. Of course, not.
I find myself weeping again this morning. I feel a lot of emotions. I thought I was past all these. I thought I had moved on. I thought I mostly felt peace about his death, his life, his person. And then an unexpected wave hits me and I feel like drowning again. The wounds open and the salt water stings...again. Old feelings resurface. I am angry that he did not live his life in such a way that he can gifted with time...to spend with his only grandchildren. I feel great sorrow that my children cannot experience his joie de vivre...his talents, his affections, his generosity. I feel cheated that I can't hear him play the piano. I see scenarios in my head--events that he would have loved: playing the piano with my children, having a family jazz band, hearing their music, their creations, their accomplishments. Yes, I am weeping again. For him. For all of us. I find myself crying because I feel frustration and a gnawing sense of helplessness. And then again, anger that I had to be put in this 'place'. And then I wonder if I will ever just forget and move on.
Hannah broke up with Nate two weeks ago and has decided to move on. We thought it was going well... until she found out Nate was going on a date this weekend. She thought she was at peace with her decision and excited about the many adventures that lay before her. She was surprised that this seeming insignificant event would stop her on her tracks and reopen her hurt and pain...and even make her second guess her decision or worse, her own worth. Intellectually, she knows she's past all these and has forgiven Nate for the hurt and pain he caused her. But now she's hurting...again. She wonders if she can just really move on and forget about him...really, really just not even care.
My best friend just found out that her ex-husband and his new wife are having a baby. Their third child together is now 18 years old! Their son's son will be older than his baby. Everybody is hurt. No one can be happy for them even if they should. She thought she had moved on. It's been over eight years since their divorce and she's happily married to the man of her dreams. But this latest event opened up the old wounds. She discovered that there is another nail that she needed to hammer on the coffin of her dissolved marriage. And she thought she had nailed the last one. Now she has to go through everything all over again. She wonders why she feels this way when she's already moved on. She's happy. She's content. But she feels hurt. Can she just get past this now?
After two decades of criticism and judgment from my husband's family, I slowly begin to realize that I can count on this behavior just as surely as I can count on the sun rising in the east. My indignation and hurt slowly and surely through the years begin to evolve as I painfully adjust to the ever consistent harshness and judgment. At first, my indignation and hurt and even anger, festered to the point where physical pain began to manifest in so many different ways. But through time, prayer, counseling and hopefully, constant evaluation of my merits, I realize that I have no control over what others think of me and I decide to let the hurt, pain and anger dissipate into a manageable indifference. I focus on my own nuclear family and concentrate on serving them, caring for them and most of all, loving them with all my heart, might and mind. Slowly, peace takes the place of strife. I realize that forgiving the people who continue to judge me through the years does not necessarily mean that I must condone their actions. And that I don't have to participate and allow myself to be skewered...that it is allowable to withdraw if the behavior damages me without feeling rancor or anger towards the perpetrator. Letting the natural consequences of their actions happen can free us all. And then, just when I think I am finally at peace and impervious to their actions, it happens all over again even when I have retreated and isolated myself. Again, I wonder if this will ever change. This time, I no longer feel offended. Acceptance has finally taken the place of offense. I put everything in a safe place and trust that God will take care of everything. Peace and reassurance is restored in my heart because I know that I am the only one who is responsible for my pain---that I can choose to take offense or simply let it slide another time.
Forgiveness is a principle that we all too often take for granted. We always think that we can forgive and forget. But "forgetting" is not really feasible unless we can induce selective amnesia which is so stupid because that doesn't really happen. Remembering can be a blessing. It allows us to learn. It gives us perspective. And it allows us the opportunity to heal...and forgive again and again. Knowing it is the person we forgive and not the deed gives me a clear perspective of how life can be lived. God does not look at sin with any degree of tolerance but he continues to love us despite our imperfections. Forgiveness does not mean condoning sin but rather, letting go of rancor, anger, judgment and harshness towards the person who offends you. It is not an easy task but it is required of us to forgive. We cannot concentrate on the losses but we can look forward to healing...and hopefully, wisdom and clarity.
There will always be milestones in our lives when the realization or the remembrance of what was lost becomes acute again. Our lives invariably interconnect with the souls of those who touch ours in more ways than we can imagine. At times we sit in our reverie and smile at the bounty of the joys of our shared experiences and at times, without warning or provocation, past yearnings sweep into our hearts like a sudden wave. At times it's just another nail to the coffin of a haplessly exhumed relationship long since buried. At times it's a prick from a bitter past already archived in the far recesses of our remembrance files. And seventy times seven, we take the privilege to forgive again and let bitter feelings that have resurfaced ebb and abate. It is a divine cycle gifted to us...a subtle reminder that choosing forgiveness and letting go of the humanness that enslaves us can render us divine.
Update: After, three crazy "break-ups", Nate and Hannah still have a special 'friendship' going on. And the 'break-ups", as both refer to them, have now been described as 'idiotic'. Crazy. It's been over a year and a half now and they still feel deeply for each other. But she's doing very well in BYU and Nate is doing well finishing up his senior year. Though no one has any idea that there's something special going on-- I mean, NO ONE-- they've just picked up where they left, are still inlove with each other and still communicate regularly. It's like...a secret romance going on and nobody knows about it though they're not keeping it a secret. It'll be interesting to see how long they can keep this up.
I find myself weeping again this morning. I feel a lot of emotions. I thought I was past all these. I thought I had moved on. I thought I mostly felt peace about his death, his life, his person. And then an unexpected wave hits me and I feel like drowning again. The wounds open and the salt water stings...again. Old feelings resurface. I am angry that he did not live his life in such a way that he can gifted with time...to spend with his only grandchildren. I feel great sorrow that my children cannot experience his joie de vivre...his talents, his affections, his generosity. I feel cheated that I can't hear him play the piano. I see scenarios in my head--events that he would have loved: playing the piano with my children, having a family jazz band, hearing their music, their creations, their accomplishments. Yes, I am weeping again. For him. For all of us. I find myself crying because I feel frustration and a gnawing sense of helplessness. And then again, anger that I had to be put in this 'place'. And then I wonder if I will ever just forget and move on.
Hannah broke up with Nate two weeks ago and has decided to move on. We thought it was going well... until she found out Nate was going on a date this weekend. She thought she was at peace with her decision and excited about the many adventures that lay before her. She was surprised that this seeming insignificant event would stop her on her tracks and reopen her hurt and pain...and even make her second guess her decision or worse, her own worth. Intellectually, she knows she's past all these and has forgiven Nate for the hurt and pain he caused her. But now she's hurting...again. She wonders if she can just really move on and forget about him...really, really just not even care.
My best friend just found out that her ex-husband and his new wife are having a baby. Their third child together is now 18 years old! Their son's son will be older than his baby. Everybody is hurt. No one can be happy for them even if they should. She thought she had moved on. It's been over eight years since their divorce and she's happily married to the man of her dreams. But this latest event opened up the old wounds. She discovered that there is another nail that she needed to hammer on the coffin of her dissolved marriage. And she thought she had nailed the last one. Now she has to go through everything all over again. She wonders why she feels this way when she's already moved on. She's happy. She's content. But she feels hurt. Can she just get past this now?
After two decades of criticism and judgment from my husband's family, I slowly begin to realize that I can count on this behavior just as surely as I can count on the sun rising in the east. My indignation and hurt slowly and surely through the years begin to evolve as I painfully adjust to the ever consistent harshness and judgment. At first, my indignation and hurt and even anger, festered to the point where physical pain began to manifest in so many different ways. But through time, prayer, counseling and hopefully, constant evaluation of my merits, I realize that I have no control over what others think of me and I decide to let the hurt, pain and anger dissipate into a manageable indifference. I focus on my own nuclear family and concentrate on serving them, caring for them and most of all, loving them with all my heart, might and mind. Slowly, peace takes the place of strife. I realize that forgiving the people who continue to judge me through the years does not necessarily mean that I must condone their actions. And that I don't have to participate and allow myself to be skewered...that it is allowable to withdraw if the behavior damages me without feeling rancor or anger towards the perpetrator. Letting the natural consequences of their actions happen can free us all. And then, just when I think I am finally at peace and impervious to their actions, it happens all over again even when I have retreated and isolated myself. Again, I wonder if this will ever change. This time, I no longer feel offended. Acceptance has finally taken the place of offense. I put everything in a safe place and trust that God will take care of everything. Peace and reassurance is restored in my heart because I know that I am the only one who is responsible for my pain---that I can choose to take offense or simply let it slide another time.
Forgiveness is a principle that we all too often take for granted. We always think that we can forgive and forget. But "forgetting" is not really feasible unless we can induce selective amnesia which is so stupid because that doesn't really happen. Remembering can be a blessing. It allows us to learn. It gives us perspective. And it allows us the opportunity to heal...and forgive again and again. Knowing it is the person we forgive and not the deed gives me a clear perspective of how life can be lived. God does not look at sin with any degree of tolerance but he continues to love us despite our imperfections. Forgiveness does not mean condoning sin but rather, letting go of rancor, anger, judgment and harshness towards the person who offends you. It is not an easy task but it is required of us to forgive. We cannot concentrate on the losses but we can look forward to healing...and hopefully, wisdom and clarity.
There will always be milestones in our lives when the realization or the remembrance of what was lost becomes acute again. Our lives invariably interconnect with the souls of those who touch ours in more ways than we can imagine. At times we sit in our reverie and smile at the bounty of the joys of our shared experiences and at times, without warning or provocation, past yearnings sweep into our hearts like a sudden wave. At times it's just another nail to the coffin of a haplessly exhumed relationship long since buried. At times it's a prick from a bitter past already archived in the far recesses of our remembrance files. And seventy times seven, we take the privilege to forgive again and let bitter feelings that have resurfaced ebb and abate. It is a divine cycle gifted to us...a subtle reminder that choosing forgiveness and letting go of the humanness that enslaves us can render us divine.
Update: After, three crazy "break-ups", Nate and Hannah still have a special 'friendship' going on. And the 'break-ups", as both refer to them, have now been described as 'idiotic'. Crazy. It's been over a year and a half now and they still feel deeply for each other. But she's doing very well in BYU and Nate is doing well finishing up his senior year. Though no one has any idea that there's something special going on-- I mean, NO ONE-- they've just picked up where they left, are still inlove with each other and still communicate regularly. It's like...a secret romance going on and nobody knows about it though they're not keeping it a secret. It'll be interesting to see how long they can keep this up.
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