THE INSIDIOUS CHARMERShe wore a striped dress with a black cord tied around her waist when she arrived at the airport in Salt Lake City. She was nervous but joyously searched the waiting crowd for friendly faces she had never before seen. She spotted three happy faces waving at her. They recognized her from her pictures. They thought she was beautiful.
There was much excitement in the car. Her wedding was in ten days and she was giddy with happiness because his mother and his sisters, 9 and 14 instantly loved her. She felt like she was home. Home. A new home. A new life in a new country. She will combine the best parts of her culture and race with his. The term "in-law" did not seem to mesh with the words 'sister' and 'mother' to her for she saw them as her own flesh and blood now. She surrendered her heart to them and instantly loved them like they had always been meant to be her mother and sisters. She would have another mother to love...someone who would love her, watch out for her, care about her. Nothing can hurt her anymore. She was loved. And she was all too anxious to hold nothing back. She was anxious to love them right now.
Many wonderful words were exchanged. There were hugs and cuddles with her new sisters on that cozy, red rocking settee. There was happy chatter about his other brothers, the nice neighbor next door and Spike, their beloved dog who had a 'girlfriend' in every corner.
His father was at work when she arrived and she would not hear him talk much. But he was in the background. Always in the background. She accepted his minimal participation. This must be how it is in America. Fathers don't have to talk much. Or invest much.
And then came the hushed tones about that woman.
That woman was his older brother's wife. "Be careful with her," they said. "Her feelings get easily hurt. She's a little. . . different." It was a warning. She listened. Without a doubt, there was trouble there. A family squabble! How interesting! She felt a sinking feeling in her gut. Conflict. Strife. It sounded like that woman was not very well liked. Stupendous! She would be their favorite daughter-in-law! She would take their side. That woman is the enemy.
Through the decades, there would be constant whisperings, innuendos and criticisms about that woman. Sometimes tears would be shed in frustration. At times they would huddle about after dinner and whisper their disdain. Nothing that woman did was good enough. They blamed her for all real and imagined problems that existed in her marriage.
One day, her husband's younger brother brought home a girl who was loud and boisterous and very, very young... and already an expert charmer. Lying dormant in this charmer's deepest parts is an insidious manipulator. At first, everyone had a bad feeling but that didn't last long because one by one, they fell for her expertise. Then he married her.
In due time, she no longer felt loved. Something happened. Frequently, during family events she would walk in and an uncanny air would fill the room as if there had been previous conversation about her that was obviously unflattering. She could feel it. But she could not confront them. Later, there would be veiled comments. Sometimes she wouldn't catch it until she was on her way home and she would suddenly realize she had just been put down. But in a nice way. And she hurt. It hurt so bad. It got worse and worse. She no longer felt loved. Then she remembered that woman. She suddenly realized that if they can talk so badly about that woman, they can be totally capable of saying the same terrible things about her. She knew it. And she was right.
She became curious about that woman. Thankfully, she discovered that that woman was an amazing person. She found her sensitive, wise, fun-loving and thoughtful. And she lamented that her fine qualities were so woefully overlooked or unseen. She would never listen to the women prattle about her ever again.
The younger brother's wife had a much louder and funny way about her. It was all too simple. And fun. And insidious. Everyone loved her. She was charming...and calculating. She had a talent for subverting love. It was just innate in her to demand attention because there is a gaping hole that needs filling. In due time, they would love and esteem only her. She would be the only daughter-in-law who received love and praises. And she had them. She had them in more ways than one eating out of her hand. She was now the one who "protected" everybody from the other sisters-in-law. She found new and clever ways to subvert their actions or inactions. She interpreted their motives in ways that were unflattering. Sometimes, she acted indignant and protective against imagined slights and offenses. She created competition among the wives when there never was any in the first place. And she was very clever because in the process of making herself look good, all she had to do was put anyone who threatened her position down. She was good. She was very, very clever. All she had to do was create a bigger arena for whisperings, innuendos and criticisms and frequently present them in a funny, witty way. Clever.
One day, she got a phone call from the younger brother's wife. She was suddenly and quite out of her character, feeling guilty. She confessed to her that she had always been jealous of her because everybody loved her in the beginning. She wanted to "put one over her" all the time. She said that one day, she stayed up all night sewing an outfit for her little son so that she could show up and "put one over her" and prove that she was a better mother. She confessed that she made fun of her, talked behind her back and consciously tried to make her look bad so that she can take all their love from her. She said that she was "born with her foot in her mouth".
She had never before heard the cliche, "put one over you". Those words rang in her ears all night.
"She wanted to put one over me!"
She thought about all the times when she felt eerily ill-at-ease during family events. She thought about all the times when his little sisters, now young women with husbands, would talk back at her and ridicule her---how sometimes, their comments had bite and sharpness.
The confession she heard that night was quickly forgotten. She knew that if she were sincere, she would call her husband's parents and siblings and confess to them what she purposely did through the years. How she destroyed relationships between family members. How her words and methods ate away and corroded once happy and joyous relationships. Where there was once harmony, there is now chaos. Where there were once good feelings, there is now a growing and nagging suspicion amongst each other. Where there was peace, there is now hurt so deep that many have chosen to stay away. But she did nothing to fix her ways. She had confessed to her--- and that was it. Nothing changed. The damage she caused and perpetrated and encouraged is now so deep and so encompassing that many choices were affected through the years...choices that were propelled by ill feelings, by hurt, by myopic perspectives, by deception, by hateful motivations. The younger brother's wife was in the center of it all. But she had their love now. And we are all broken.
More than two decades have passed. No one really knows why no one speaks to each other. Siblings choose to not invest in their relationships. Others choose to stay away because the hurt is simply too deep, too stressful and...simply too much. Over two decades have passed and no one really knows how it all happened nor how to fix the broken pieces. Perhaps it was always broken. Perhaps everyone just bought the myth that the clan was well and perfect...except for those women--- and then protected the myth.
Her children are grown now and they are indeed the best of everything she had to offer. They are a perfect blend of everything good about her culture, her race, her genes as well as her husband's. There is no meaningful contact between her and her once "sisters". There would be no happy chatters, no giddy laughter, no hugs nor cuddles. Her desire to give them her heart has ebbed for her heart lay tattered, bruised, beaten. Her excitement to be a part of their lives has been replaced by a sense of betrayal. Their lives are now so deeply entrenched in each others' absence. She prefers to stay away; to avoid grappling with the knowing glances between the other women, to avoid being in conversations where clearly, the intention is to make her feel left out; to avoid events where her every move is criticized and given meanings that she would never consider. They would all miss out on her fierce love. In the beginning, all she wanted to do was love them. But she realized that they would never love her back the way she expected them to love her in the beginning. And after much time, there would be more pain and hurt than love returned.
In the beginning, she thought she was safe...that no one can hurt her. That sweet anticipation has been replaced by a jaded heart...too scarred and weary to find that happy beat reserved for family. They have become true "in-laws".
Gossip
I used to be part of those who thought I was a blessing
Who filled my longing for a place that I was sorely missing
They said they knew me from before, e'en long before my birth
And recognized my spirit in all its eternal worth
I loved them faithfully and with much celebration
Placed my heart in their hands with nary a hesitation
Then lived I without any fear of judgment or of censure
Confident their love, like mine, was vast and held no measure
And then one day a charming person walked into our lives
Her flamboyant nature first confused us that day that she arrived
Her name is Gossip but no one knew, for happily we embraced her
For we could not see inside her heart, her beauty hid that specter
Many think that Gossip has a very ugly face
A warning now I issue here that's not always the case
A friendly smile, a sweet embrace and sometimes even tender
For that is how she can disarm and then have you surrender
She creates competition where before it never wandered
With loud and jovial conversation enrollment she expanded
Disarming everyone she touches with charm and sweet requests
Drowning your heart with importance as her frailties she'll confess
Joyful and loving intentions of any person's heart
Whose needs are borne from quiet wells of a need to be a part
Gossip's friend named Envy, invented motives never existed
Painted over with doubt and questions, all goodness now subverted
Gossip wants all to love her better than any kin
For love to her is a contest, a spot for her to win
With clandestine whisperings in tiny little doses
Just enough to tickle like a dozen thorny roses
Flattering and caressing you but leaving tiny pricks
So you never know the damage done--- that's the best of all her tricks
Little by little she wins your heart without a bit of fight
By destroying those who threaten her, whose love once shown so bright
The insidious fact is despite her smarts, she never really knows
That those whose spirits she destroyed can see her spirit boast
Months now stretch into years and now your love she owns
The damage that her words have made are still to her unknown
Blissfully oblivious of the gravity her deeds do greatly weigh
A family divided now, someday her debts she'll pay
I'm nursing back my broken heart that used to have a home
The pain I feel is deep and dark while here I write this poem
For Gossip breeds a creature dank that cannot be erased
The damage is just exquisite and shattered lives lay waste
When whisperings and family are partnered in this sport
There are no happy endings here so sadly I report
Still no one knows that she's the culprit, she boasts her charms malignant
For that is how her magic works she makes us feel indignant
And though the closeness we all knew is now just plain pretend
I pray that soon that day will come when we can all transcend
The veil that Gossip used well, "putting one over" and smiling put-downs
Retrieve our family, our lives, our joy---snatch quickly now the Gossip's crown!
Copyrighted. All rights reserved. Christie Faux, 1999.
Photobucket" border="0">
There was much excitement in the car. Her wedding was in ten days and she was giddy with happiness because his mother and his sisters, 9 and 14 instantly loved her. She felt like she was home. Home. A new home. A new life in a new country. She will combine the best parts of her culture and race with his. The term "in-law" did not seem to mesh with the words 'sister' and 'mother' to her for she saw them as her own flesh and blood now. She surrendered her heart to them and instantly loved them like they had always been meant to be her mother and sisters. She would have another mother to love...someone who would love her, watch out for her, care about her. Nothing can hurt her anymore. She was loved. And she was all too anxious to hold nothing back. She was anxious to love them right now.
Many wonderful words were exchanged. There were hugs and cuddles with her new sisters on that cozy, red rocking settee. There was happy chatter about his other brothers, the nice neighbor next door and Spike, their beloved dog who had a 'girlfriend' in every corner.
His father was at work when she arrived and she would not hear him talk much. But he was in the background. Always in the background. She accepted his minimal participation. This must be how it is in America. Fathers don't have to talk much. Or invest much.
And then came the hushed tones about that woman.
That woman was his older brother's wife. "Be careful with her," they said. "Her feelings get easily hurt. She's a little. . . different." It was a warning. She listened. Without a doubt, there was trouble there. A family squabble! How interesting! She felt a sinking feeling in her gut. Conflict. Strife. It sounded like that woman was not very well liked. Stupendous! She would be their favorite daughter-in-law! She would take their side. That woman is the enemy.
Through the decades, there would be constant whisperings, innuendos and criticisms about that woman. Sometimes tears would be shed in frustration. At times they would huddle about after dinner and whisper their disdain. Nothing that woman did was good enough. They blamed her for all real and imagined problems that existed in her marriage.
One day, her husband's younger brother brought home a girl who was loud and boisterous and very, very young... and already an expert charmer. Lying dormant in this charmer's deepest parts is an insidious manipulator. At first, everyone had a bad feeling but that didn't last long because one by one, they fell for her expertise. Then he married her.
*******************
In due time, she no longer felt loved. Something happened. Frequently, during family events she would walk in and an uncanny air would fill the room as if there had been previous conversation about her that was obviously unflattering. She could feel it. But she could not confront them. Later, there would be veiled comments. Sometimes she wouldn't catch it until she was on her way home and she would suddenly realize she had just been put down. But in a nice way. And she hurt. It hurt so bad. It got worse and worse. She no longer felt loved. Then she remembered that woman. She suddenly realized that if they can talk so badly about that woman, they can be totally capable of saying the same terrible things about her. She knew it. And she was right.
She became curious about that woman. Thankfully, she discovered that that woman was an amazing person. She found her sensitive, wise, fun-loving and thoughtful. And she lamented that her fine qualities were so woefully overlooked or unseen. She would never listen to the women prattle about her ever again.
The younger brother's wife had a much louder and funny way about her. It was all too simple. And fun. And insidious. Everyone loved her. She was charming...and calculating. She had a talent for subverting love. It was just innate in her to demand attention because there is a gaping hole that needs filling. In due time, they would love and esteem only her. She would be the only daughter-in-law who received love and praises. And she had them. She had them in more ways than one eating out of her hand. She was now the one who "protected" everybody from the other sisters-in-law. She found new and clever ways to subvert their actions or inactions. She interpreted their motives in ways that were unflattering. Sometimes, she acted indignant and protective against imagined slights and offenses. She created competition among the wives when there never was any in the first place. And she was very clever because in the process of making herself look good, all she had to do was put anyone who threatened her position down. She was good. She was very, very clever. All she had to do was create a bigger arena for whisperings, innuendos and criticisms and frequently present them in a funny, witty way. Clever.
************************
One day, she got a phone call from the younger brother's wife. She was suddenly and quite out of her character, feeling guilty. She confessed to her that she had always been jealous of her because everybody loved her in the beginning. She wanted to "put one over her" all the time. She said that one day, she stayed up all night sewing an outfit for her little son so that she could show up and "put one over her" and prove that she was a better mother. She confessed that she made fun of her, talked behind her back and consciously tried to make her look bad so that she can take all their love from her. She said that she was "born with her foot in her mouth".
She had never before heard the cliche, "put one over you". Those words rang in her ears all night.
"She wanted to put one over me!"
She thought about all the times when she felt eerily ill-at-ease during family events. She thought about all the times when his little sisters, now young women with husbands, would talk back at her and ridicule her---how sometimes, their comments had bite and sharpness.
The confession she heard that night was quickly forgotten. She knew that if she were sincere, she would call her husband's parents and siblings and confess to them what she purposely did through the years. How she destroyed relationships between family members. How her words and methods ate away and corroded once happy and joyous relationships. Where there was once harmony, there is now chaos. Where there were once good feelings, there is now a growing and nagging suspicion amongst each other. Where there was peace, there is now hurt so deep that many have chosen to stay away. But she did nothing to fix her ways. She had confessed to her--- and that was it. Nothing changed. The damage she caused and perpetrated and encouraged is now so deep and so encompassing that many choices were affected through the years...choices that were propelled by ill feelings, by hurt, by myopic perspectives, by deception, by hateful motivations. The younger brother's wife was in the center of it all. But she had their love now. And we are all broken.
More than two decades have passed. No one really knows why no one speaks to each other. Siblings choose to not invest in their relationships. Others choose to stay away because the hurt is simply too deep, too stressful and...simply too much. Over two decades have passed and no one really knows how it all happened nor how to fix the broken pieces. Perhaps it was always broken. Perhaps everyone just bought the myth that the clan was well and perfect...except for those women--- and then protected the myth.
********************
Her children are grown now and they are indeed the best of everything she had to offer. They are a perfect blend of everything good about her culture, her race, her genes as well as her husband's. There is no meaningful contact between her and her once "sisters". There would be no happy chatters, no giddy laughter, no hugs nor cuddles. Her desire to give them her heart has ebbed for her heart lay tattered, bruised, beaten. Her excitement to be a part of their lives has been replaced by a sense of betrayal. Their lives are now so deeply entrenched in each others' absence. She prefers to stay away; to avoid grappling with the knowing glances between the other women, to avoid being in conversations where clearly, the intention is to make her feel left out; to avoid events where her every move is criticized and given meanings that she would never consider. They would all miss out on her fierce love. In the beginning, all she wanted to do was love them. But she realized that they would never love her back the way she expected them to love her in the beginning. And after much time, there would be more pain and hurt than love returned.
In the beginning, she thought she was safe...that no one can hurt her. That sweet anticipation has been replaced by a jaded heart...too scarred and weary to find that happy beat reserved for family. They have become true "in-laws".
****************
Gossip
I used to be part of those who thought I was a blessing
Who filled my longing for a place that I was sorely missing
They said they knew me from before, e'en long before my birth
And recognized my spirit in all its eternal worth
I loved them faithfully and with much celebration
Placed my heart in their hands with nary a hesitation
Then lived I without any fear of judgment or of censure
Confident their love, like mine, was vast and held no measure
And then one day a charming person walked into our lives
Her flamboyant nature first confused us that day that she arrived
Her name is Gossip but no one knew, for happily we embraced her
For we could not see inside her heart, her beauty hid that specter
Many think that Gossip has a very ugly face
A warning now I issue here that's not always the case
A friendly smile, a sweet embrace and sometimes even tender
For that is how she can disarm and then have you surrender
She creates competition where before it never wandered
With loud and jovial conversation enrollment she expanded
Disarming everyone she touches with charm and sweet requests
Drowning your heart with importance as her frailties she'll confess
Joyful and loving intentions of any person's heart
Whose needs are borne from quiet wells of a need to be a part
Gossip's friend named Envy, invented motives never existed
Painted over with doubt and questions, all goodness now subverted
Gossip wants all to love her better than any kin
For love to her is a contest, a spot for her to win
With clandestine whisperings in tiny little doses
Just enough to tickle like a dozen thorny roses
Flattering and caressing you but leaving tiny pricks
So you never know the damage done--- that's the best of all her tricks
Little by little she wins your heart without a bit of fight
By destroying those who threaten her, whose love once shown so bright
The insidious fact is despite her smarts, she never really knows
That those whose spirits she destroyed can see her spirit boast
Months now stretch into years and now your love she owns
The damage that her words have made are still to her unknown
Blissfully oblivious of the gravity her deeds do greatly weigh
A family divided now, someday her debts she'll pay
I'm nursing back my broken heart that used to have a home
The pain I feel is deep and dark while here I write this poem
For Gossip breeds a creature dank that cannot be erased
The damage is just exquisite and shattered lives lay waste
When whisperings and family are partnered in this sport
There are no happy endings here so sadly I report
Still no one knows that she's the culprit, she boasts her charms malignant
For that is how her magic works she makes us feel indignant
And though the closeness we all knew is now just plain pretend
I pray that soon that day will come when we can all transcend
The veil that Gossip used well, "putting one over" and smiling put-downs
Retrieve our family, our lives, our joy---snatch quickly now the Gossip's crown!
Copyrighted. All rights reserved. Christie Faux, 1999.
Photobucket" border="0">
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