I Am An Overbearing Mother

In times like these you need a Saviour

In times like these you need an anchor

Be very sure, be very sure

Your anchor holds and grips the solid rock

This rock is Jesus, yes He's the one

This rock is Jesus the only one

Be very sure, be very sure

Your anchor holds and grips the solid rock.

These are the words I used to sing in my head whenever I felt alone--especially after a beating or after a steady stream of hurtful words lobbied at me--words that fail my own understanding, words that hurt me more than the beating. I sing this song and several others that I learned while attending a private Protestant elementary school.

I don't really mean to be a domineering mother. It's just that I've fought so much to be where I am now. I never even dreamed of becoming a mother. I had no idea how to raise children. I still don't know how to talk to them. I am still at a loss when I am with children because I don't know how to be a child. But I am a mother and have raised four children.

I made some decisions as I carried my first child. I will never beat them. I will never call them names. I will protect them from abusers. They will never be out of my sight. I will never trust anyone to be alone with them. No one will ever hurt them. I will protect them with my life. I will never use my own language to raise them for fear that I may automatically talk to them the way my parents did---for fear that my repertoire of phrases and words born from my childhood might suddenly spew out of my mouth in a moment of weakness. I was not going to let that happen.  I gave up that privilege and right conscientiously. I will bring them up in a new culture lest my own culture betray me. These are the things I promised myself and I remember the clarity of mind with which I made these declarations.

The clarity. Yes, the clarity. Some mothers expect having children joyously. So did I. But I also did so with trepidation. Something that I had that others may not have because of my own childhood is the zeal and determination NOT to be what I feared I could be. So I had children with an imbedded code of "NEVERS". I will never spank. I will never call them names. I will never...this and that. I do not profess to have been perfectly successful in executing these codes but I can say that I gave it my all. I gave it my ALL.

And yet, I can see how my failings, excesses and perhaps, overzealousness have hurt my children. I do have expectations. I do live vicariously through them. I do have opinions about many things. And I do have a strong personality. I HAD to. Without that strong determination, I would have failed miserably at mothering them. But its a double-edged sword. I am domineering. I am opinionated. And I am fearless. And sometimes I don't know how to attain a balance between control and patience, zeal and flexibility, fear and trust, guilt and confidence, a measured pace or excessive generosity. I am the epitome of imperious.

The Saviour's enabling powers from His atoning sacrifice is what I rely on now. As I age and as my children create their own lives separate from mine, what I fear the most is that they will never understand nor appreciate what I've done, what I've given up, what I've happily changed to be congruent with that vision I had in my head of what a mother should be...or should not be. Perhaps it is very possible that I was too obsessed about what I should NOT be that I didn't pay attention to what I should be. I don't know. And now that I'm alone, there is much time to second guess and castigate.

It's hard to let go but I'm doing it. And I find myself on my knees for the better part of the day...or conversing with God about my fears and weaknesses. I never thought I would ever be 57 but here I am and I don't know if I'm ready for the inevitable stages and transitions in life that await me.

I cannot wait until all my children-- especially my daughters, have their own children. When that happens, I think they can understand me better. Until then, I just have to endure.

Laura and Her Heart

Nearly 20 years ago, I met a young girl named Laura. She was beautiful, with golden blonde hair, blue eyes and a happy, cheerful disposition. I had organized a youth choir composed mostly of high school kids and some of their friends. We even held our own fireside concert which was quite a spiritual event. I don't know why but we struck up quite a friendship--she was 17 and I was already into my late 30s, old enough to be her mom. But still, she talked to me as though I were her friend and confidant and began to share with me her thoughts about life and her dreams for the future. Many times she would come by for advise but mostly I just listened to her and helped her organize her thoughts by asking her questions.

Many times, I would scold her about her driving. Her father sometimes let her drive his little sports car and she would brag to me about the many times she had driven way past the speed limit and never got caught. One evening, she stopped by the house and invited me for a drive in that little car to get herself a slurpee. She would criss cross through cars weaving in and out speedily as I screamed at her to slow down. She'd just laugh at me. I was so mad. But in the end, she managed to bring me back safely. I remember her shoulder length golden hair blowing in the wind and her big, wide smile...so carefree and so young. I was shocked that she had never been issued a speeding ticket. But she said that every time she got stopped, she would just smile at the officer and she would just get a warning. I don't know if I believe her but if she were so lucky, I knew that her luck would someday run dry.

Laura was a gifted artist. Her sketches were amazing. She was also very musical. She seemed to have everything--beauty, intelligence, talent and personality. I thought that if she could treat me as her peer and a friend that someday, when my daughters grow up, I can have the same relationship with them as I have with her. I was open to that possibility because of her.

I moved wards so I didn't see her for a while until she called me one afternoon to tell me that she had met a nice young man and was going to marry him. They came by so I could meet him. He seemed like a wonderful man and I asked her if she was happy. The answer would be obvious. She was glowing.

Several years later, while Laura, her husband and small children were attending sacrament meeting, she suddenly collapsed. She had something wrong with her heart that was undiagnosed. She had a heart attack. They managed to revive her but the lack of oxygen had done its damage. Laura would never be the same again. She has lived in a rehabilitation care facility now for many years. Her memory is like swiss cheese. She walks with a cane or a walker. She is unrecognizable. My poor Laura. And I would not see her again.

People come and go into our lives and our thoughts seldom bring them back to us. Today, for some reason, my memories of Laura suddenly came vividly and acutely. I think of her--that suddenly she can no longer make beautiful pictures, or remember the songs I taught her or the conversations we've had. And I picture her having a difficult time walking and that thought is simply incongruent with the picture I have of her on the driver's seat with her head thrown back in laughter as she dares to weave in and out of the cars in front of us. That in an unexpected moment, her heart would betray all the wonderful things that she was and the extraordinary things she could do.

I miss Laura. I know she is progressing but it's glacier-like and with despair I do realize that she will never in this life default to what she once was. It is still difficult for me to fathom the all too common story of a young person who has everything and then loses it all in a blink of an eye--without warning and seemingly without any viable reason other than the incomprehensible ones of a god who we believe loves us. And so we hang on to those reasons built from faith--that the tragedy is really not one because somehow it will bless our lives perhaps with patience, understanding, endurance, humility. We need those explanations and justifications to appease the unanswerable questions that torture us. And then we find explanations, goodness, and magnify the plausible outcomes and seemingly meaningful and positive clues for its occurrence--the benevolence in the tragedy. It is a requirement to be able to do so just as much as we try to suck in air as we drown. Such is the human heart when faced with events that have no obvious explanation.

Earthly life is indeed short but significant in its scope. We will be judged by our deeds while we live in this estate. So it becomes a magnificent obsession for me to find understanding and meaning in the events that I see and experience. I am obsessed with finding order in chaos and substance in the enigma and paradox of life's events. And I've seen too much already.

My aunt's husband, who is a retired physician, has a brilliant brother who, while attending law school suddenly fell ill. A nervous breakdown they said. A few years ago, he finally passed away in an institution where he had spent the balance of all his productive years isolated from the world which obviously needed his genius. Or my old high school classmate whose intelligence was so lauded, one of the rare individuals from my country to be accepted to Annapolis--suddenly lost at sea during a raging monsoon storm. A handsome young man from my high school--a national science scholar--who one night, while in a drug-induced rage, raped and beat a young woman to death. He had a promising future. A beautiful girlfriend. But his mental demons ran unrecognized. He was in the perfect age when mental illness suddenly takes a grip. He was not even 20. Or a friend whom I had known since grade school who grew up to be a prolific songwriter--a beautiful young woman with little children who would grow up to follow in her footsteps: one day she collapsed from a brain aneurysm. Suddenly, she cannot compose anymore. And in an instant, the world has unknowingly lost a thousand beautiful songs. And even lately, an amazing young man overflowing with talent, intelligence, discipline and good looks will now live the rest of his life trying to sort through thoughts, perceptions and choices through the imperceptible filters of a serious mood disorder-- when cognitive thought processes can be so inexplicably unreliable and building relationships will always be unstable and fluctuating. Life indeed gives us our share of curve balls and blindsides us just when we think the world is our oyster.

I know there will be a time--a thousand years--when the world will be allowed the privilege of the presence of brilliance, talent and youth gone before their time. But until then, my heart yearns for Laura and others like her whose brightness and singular personalities enriched my life even for a brief moment. What I hope is that I do not squander whatever light I may have and that I can have a brave heart that can withstand the battles that rage inside me--the thoughts that somehow enslave me and the burdens that seem to weigh me down. These battles in my head keep me from living a healthy and safe life....as though there isn't enough brain power for me to do so.

I never in my wild imaginings thought that one day my brilliant mother would be saddled by dementia. But she now ambles along and unexpectedly, she can only remember the days from her early years when the world was full of splendor and hope. Yet she cannot remember what she ate for breakfast or who the president of the United States is. I see in her my possible future.

So while I can write and remember....while I can still keep my wits about me, I try to journal my thoughts. I have been blessed to live the better parts of my life with nothing to hold me back but my own share of baggage. But physically, I am still relatively healthy and my mind can still process my thoughts in an organized way. I was blessed to be able to make stupid mistakes, errors of judgment and carefree, self-centered miscalculations. In my youth and into my 40s, I held all these against me  and was enslaved--chained to them--enable to soar. And unlike Laura, I can still hope for more time to free myself from the millstone around my neck...my self-imposed punishments because I do still use the time I have to castigate myself for my errors, my arrogance, my overbearing nature, my opinionated pride.  I have not learned to let go. Perhaps that is why I am still around.

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"I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for the day." (George Washington) 

The Scientific Mind

In 1969, during my 7th year of elementary education, I took a series of academic entrance examinations for the top three high schools in the Philippines. The University of the Philippines, traditionally called the "Harvard of Asia" during my time, had two high schools--one was called UP High School and the other, the more competitive, was called UP Prep. But the most prestigious of all high schools was called the Philippine Science High School. And I was accepted in all three of them. Of course, I would opt to attend PSHS. Over 2,000 students all over the country took PSHS's first qualifying examination. Only the top 10% of 6th and 7th graders were allowed to take this exam. Based on their scores, 500 were chosen to take the SECOND screening exam which included an essay written on the spot. The tests were an all day affair starting from around 8am and ended in the afternoon with a short lunch break. 160 students would be chosen and accepted into this school-- worthy to be called "national science scholars", awarded free tuition for 5 years (which would later be integrated to 4), free textbooks and a monthly stipend of 140 pesos a month. (Just for reference, during that time, 1 US dollar was twice the value of our peso.) That was a very good amount of money. We would be making more money than most cab drivers just to study. The catch is, you had to maintain a certain GPA and cannot receive a grade lower than a B- in ANY class. There would be no reprieve. If you cannot maintain their parameter, you were asked to leave. We called it 'getting kicked out' of the program. 160 of us started the program. Only 140 enrolled. Only 106 would complete the course. All classes were university level classes. Most of us were not even teenagers.

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It was a privilege to be in the training grounds of this high school. Four years spent with the same gifted, talented and socially conscious young people was four years of compressed and exponential learning. We became a new sub-culture. Every one at some point felt lost or inferior but for most of us, the striving to stretch ourselves to our every perceived expectation was acute. And every year that we were allowed back was a triumph of epic proportions. We helped each other like soldiers in the trenches and developed a camaraderie that still defies time and distance. Nearly every student accepted into the program with us, now in their 50s, achieved great success in their academic lives and careers. Some are definitely movers and shakers: many are involved in endeavors that are far-reaching and of great benefit to the infra-structure of their communities...and even the world.  Many are involved in cancer research, meaningful cell biology research, geothermal engineering and building great structures, roads, bridges all over the world, telecommunications....some even deviated from their science emphasis and have become artists in traditional and multimedia expressions. Many have become professors influencing more students into research and development for the benefit of mankind...still with the shining zeal of idealism and a strong desire to change the world. Whatever field they chose to pursue, they pursued with the same zeal and effort and consequently, achieved success and satisfaction in their lives. And for most of us, we still feel ever connected to each other....even more so as we get older and interestingly, as we get older, we seem to seek each other even more knowing that some invisible, omnipotent hand brought us all together for a noble purpose. Our experiences are unique and difficult to duplicate.

With three of my PSHS friends during a school excursion.

I often wonder about this part of my life. I am not a mover and shaker. I have no graduate degree. I do not even hold a job or a prestigious title. And in my old age, I still wonder how I made it through with these amazing people. At times I feel like an impostor. But I have to believe that I was put in that wondrous situation for a purpose that is meaningful and important.

I get excited when I learn new things....and I also get intimidated. But on my own, I like to acquire more knowledge and understanding of the world around me...and a keen curiosity about how people behave and think. 

My children are all gifted and talented. I was a full-time mother and all of my efforts--my thoughts, my intellect, my talents---everything I had was focused and used to raise them. My motivating mantra if you will, was to empower them and to provide opportunities for growth by discovery. I wanted them to be able to think analytically and see things in a certain order. I wanted them to always think laterally, to see things far off,  to make decisions not just for the present but to SEE in systems that can penetrate time--- to see things with an eternal perspective. I did not know how to teach this or execute this imperative but I gave it my all. Of that, I have no doubt. I gave it my all. And I hope they have learned well.

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The scientific mind is indeed the outcome of one's cognitive and individual proclivities: their interests, belief system and mental prowess. To have a scientific mind is to be curious. Without the ability to see and appreciate fine details in the processes of life and the world around us, the scientific mind suffers. Assignation and categorization of these details is the absolute imperative of the scientific mind: to be able to ponder on the theoretical and the empirical and create order.

Is there a dichotomy between the scientific mind and the concept of faith-based beliefs and convictions? It is interesting to me that within the dharmic religions, there is no duality in science and belief in a higher being. In these religious philosophies, the world has spiritual and physical components and the two do not cancel the other but in fact, enhance each other. By my observation, this may be attributed to the absence of powerful cultural revolutions that would dichotomize science and faith, such as what transpired during the so-called Age of Enlightenment when the pursuit of scientific knowledge created intolerance of faith and religion. Even before that, duality already existed when the early Christians began to denounce scientific discoveries that seemed to contradict their traditional beliefs as heresy. 

The scientific mind as I've described is important because it enhances belief in a God who loves us. How do we discipline our minds to function as elegantly as we can to be able to use it to increase our faith; to achieve more light and knowledge? 

Well, with our minds we can produce thoughts. Thoughts are energy. Our brain functions this way. There is electricity that fires up our neurons and their systems and grids so that our bodies function. The brain controls everything-- voluntary and involuntary. These firing activities create energy. Thoughts therefore are outcomes of energy...or rather, when we think, we create energy. We also know that energy is a FORCE and by its own definition has the ability to pull or push against any forces of nature. Therefore, thought is powerful. I don't think it's even a wonder that we ask as many people to pray in behalf of those in need. Or that we have written names on a prayer roll in the temple. Collective thoughts have power as well as individual thoughts. And my quest is to discover how to use this energy in ways that create order and harmony.

Sow a thought, reap an act; sow an act, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap an eternal destiny. (David O. McKay, February 5, 1948, Leadership Convention at BYU)

I submit that where we focus our thoughts determine the outcome of our deeds. Let me just reiterate that: where we FOCUS our THOUGHTS determine the OUTCOME of our DEEDS.  That is, many people have accomplished extraordinary deeds and will continue to do so. But what will have been the focus of their deeds? A need to change the world for the better, a gnawing sense of empathy and compassion, a deep social consciousness or perhaps even the need to leave a meaningful legacy after departing from earthly life---are some possible answers. These reasons or 'filters' allow us to see the world in various, subtle ways. And yet:

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not. Behold the wounds that pierced my side, and the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen. (Doctrine & Covenants 6: 36-37 )

This scripture gives us a clue as to what sort of 'filter' we can CHOOSE to place over our realities to change them from chaos to order. We can also call this a 'pattern' that we can place over various events of our lives so we can focus on the Saviour; dedicating all our endeavors and actions in His name and thus allowing us to 'see far off'....to have an eternal perspective where the Saviour is our focus. This is what will allow us to endure to the end and make good men better. This also separates all good works from good works done for its sake and good works done with the express purpose of bringing souls to Christ. 

The atonement---a deep and profound appreciation of what Christ has done for us gives us a clearer focus that will allow us outcomes beyond our own imagination and longings. All things come to order and testify of the atonement. Then and only then can the outcome of our deeds have meaning.

To view life using the filter of the atonement---to see our lives within the context of the operative powers of the atonement: justification, sanctification and enabling powers, gives us a clearer view of our life on earth within the context of eternities. Our compass will extend further than our earthly views and we see the repercussions of our deeds, choices and even challenges past the horizons of time and space. Things snap into place. And order is restored.

Healing

The heart is a curious matter. Eight years ago, I spent nearly a week in the hospital because of my heart. They found that one side of my heart was slightly enlarged. When I showed up at emergency, my blood pressure was 243/128 and I was immediately wheeled into a room. They gave me sublingual nitroglycerin and tried several times to find a vein for an IV. They finally found a vein on top of my hand using a syringe needle. Later, my cardiologist told me that it was a miracle I did not have a stroke. I got lucky. And my heart mended. Later, I would find out I also have type 2 diabetes. Yep. I am a ticking time bomb. But I healed and everything is in control. I am like Mt. Vesuvius on ice.  As long as I keep within certain parameters, the bomb inside me ticks slowly. The idea is to get my heart and kidneys as strong as possible so that my other organs will function well.

I had to reboot-- change the way I looked at my life. And learned how to breathe again.

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This summer, Hannah and I are taking a pottery class and oil painting. It's been great fun doing these classes with her. She is a natural artist and is good with her hands. It's been a curious summer for Hannah and me. We've seen a lot together in unexpected ways. Last April, she was supposed to spend a week in London and Paris with Natascha: a sisters bonding trip specifically planned because her missionary was returning in a matter of weeks and they thought that before that happened, they should spend some time together doing something fun. Tascha got very sick the morning they were scheduled to leave. By the time they got to the airport, Tascha got worse. That was a Saturday. Meanwhile, Kurt and I had left the day before to spend a weekend in Orange County to see my mother and sister. The next morning which was Saturday, I got an unexpected call from Hannah telling me that Tascha was sick. She was in tears and did not know what to do. They were supposed to be boarding in 40 minutes and they were not even at the gate. Within just a couple of minutes, I had to make a decision. It was a surprise to me that the solution came clearly and calmly to me because on the onset, I was shocked by the unexpected situation. I was worried sick about Tascha who was also crying, felt bad about the situation, wanted Tascha to be alright and board the plane, sorry about the potential loss of opportunity for their 'bonding trip', etc etc....it was an initial moment of panic. Yet suddenly, a clarity came over me. I asked Tascha if there was a way for her to get back to Provo. (Her friend picked her up...) And then I told Hannah to board the plane while I hurriedly checked online for a flight to London and found one that would leave on the evening of that SAME day, told her to cab it to the hotel and wait for me. I asked her if she was brave enough to do that because she started to cry but I could sense that she was also steeling herself and knew that she could do it. Mixed in all of this within seconds were feelings of disappointment, frustration, abandonment and trepidation. Taking an overseas flight unexpectedly ALONE to a foreign country on sudden notice is not something everyone experiences. And here was Hannah about to do it.

When we hung up, I still had to book my flight. Then Kurt and I hurriedly repacked and within minutes we were on our way to drive four and a half hours back to Nevada. I would have 3 hours to throw a few more things in my suitcase which was, providentially, already packed with essentials. I found my passport, printed my boarding pass and off I went to London that same night.

Hannah and I had a great time in London and Paris. We talked of many things. Discussed many things of the heart. Some were difficult themes. And I learned a lot about her. I also learned a lot about myself. I will never forget this trip because I realized that I still had a fierce heart. I can still do things beyond what I expect of myself. And my daughter helped me realize that.

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A few weeks later, I was invited to speak at a fireside in Logroño, Spain. I was so excited. I hadn't seen the people I had taught in over 30 years. They were teenagers when I knew them. Now they are married, have stayed faithful in the church, even served missions. And now their sons and daughters have served missions or are leaving to serve. I was so excited. I had asked Tascha to come with me since she was on summer break and I was anticipating that Hannah would be spending time with her missionary. But things did not work out that way. Tascha was offered a teaching job she could not refuse and it was a year round school. Going on a trip was now a moot possibility. I asked Hannah if she wanted to go. She refused. She was going through her own heartache. Things did not work out well with her missionary. That was unexpected and painful. So I planned to go to Spain alone.

One week before leaving, Hannah asked me if she could go to Spain with me. That was unexpected. There were a host of challenges between me and Hannah. But again, unexpectedly, we found ourselves together in a plane bound for Logroño, Spain. But there would be challenges. Our flight arrived late in London to make our connecting flight to Madrid and we were stuck in the airport.

The queue in front of us would snake towards the front. Notice the queue in the back facing left.

In the dark skirt is Hannah holding our place in the queue. We had already been in queue for over 2 hours by this time.

What it looks behind our place in the queue.

In the end, there would be no flight to Logroño that day...not for 2 days. So British Airways put us in a nice hotel (Ramada) with 3 meals and 2 sets of transfers from the airport to the hotel. I would totally miss my event. But for some reason, again I had clarity and calmness that allowed me to maximize the opportunities in front of me---the miracles that replaced the anticipated opportunities I thought I was going to have--- I missed my event but in its place, Hannah and I had a chance to be in London together...again. Coincidentally, I still had my oyster card in my purse and all I had to do was put some pounds in it and boom--we were on the underground on our way to Central London. We shopped on Oxford road, had tea at the Orangerie in Kensington Palace...AGAIN. We went to Bayswater to our favorite stores.... had a wonderful time! And then everything went seamlessly wonderful. We spent some time in Logroño, Hannah met all the people I love, we experienced the tren-hotel on an 10 hour overnighter to Vigo in the Galicia province on the western coast of Spain and attended fast and testimony Sunday back in Logroño.

In Logroño, Spain trying to choose from 100 tapas (pinxos) restaurants!

Enjoying the view in Olite in the Navarra country.

Doing a shameless reenactment of the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

Hannah enjoying the perks of a luxury train-hotel in the dining room car.

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Eight years ago, doctors found that part of my heart was enlarged. It was because it had been working far too hard. When the heart is enlarged, the walls become thin and the heart's pumping ability is compromised. The heart enlarges due to prolonged increase of blood pressure or coronary disease...when arteries get clogged. My heart needed to recover. There were steps I needed to take for that to happen. I needed external remedies--medication to regulate my blood pressure and how my heart pumps. I needed to change my lifestyle...eat better, move more, eliminate stress. Now my heart is strong and pumps well. In fact, I am no longer on medication for hypertension. Though my heart may have some physical limitations, I'd like to think that it has no fear when it comes to giving love. I love fiercely and with everything I've got. Sometimes I think my heart is going to burst from sheer love. But it never does.

Healing involves some work. But after a while, in the process of recuperating, I get very, very anxious to get on with my life. After even just a couple of days in the hospital, all I could think of was exiting through the hospital doors and doing all the things I needed to do to have an even better quality of life. All they needed to do was identify what was wrong and as soon as I knew what was wrong, all I needed to know was what to do so I can live my life without fear. Thankfully, the guidelines were simple. And as soon as I figured that out, I could not wait to be discharged because when you know what to do, you can't wait to get started doing it.  So all I could do while waiting to be discharged was TALK about what I was going to do and THINK and VISUALIZE everything I needed to do. My mind was full of those thoughts. For me, the best time to get started realizing that life was as soon as possible. And when you're excited, you just can't help but TALK about it. It just overflows out of me. If you can't talk about it, you can't visualize and organize. And then when I was discharged, I went for it. I just went ahead and reinvented myself.

And that's healing. And though I thought it was my heart that needed to heal, in reality, it all started in my head. Healing starts out with a decision. A choice. And then the heart just pumps. FEARLESSLY. And then everybody around me can breath better because they know I am going to be alright. For a very long time.

Culture Gap

As a child, whenever there was strife in my home...and boy, there was a lot of that-- I sought refuge in my paternal grandparents' home. I called them Lolo and Lola, the vernacular endearment for Grandpa and Grandma. Lola would make her wonderful 'maruya' or mashed up plantain bananas (saba) in a homemade pancake batter; essentially banana fritters just for me. Just so I could feel better. Sometimes she would regale me with stories of the Bible or of great classics. I first heard about Silas Marner by George Elliot and Evangeline by Henry W. Longfellow. Sometimes she would tell me scary stories when I begged for them. And then sometimes, she would just hum or sing to me while she combed my hair. I loved my Lola. She was a wonderful woman. She was so smart---the only girl of 3 brothers. She was so stubborn that when she was told that she didn't need to go to school, she got really upset and went to school anyway. She was a rarity in her province--a young woman who received a scholarship to a Presbyterian college called Silliman Institute, the oldest college in Dumaguete City. Most of its graduates at the time were men. My grandmother beat the odds. She graduated with a degree in History and began to teach school shortly after. She loved learning and reading. She spoke two dialects: her primary language was Ilonggo. But she also spoke very halting Tagalog. And she spoke English better than Tagalog actually. She also spoke Spanish. She was born in 1900 just two years after the Philippine-American war. She was also the one who let the LDS missionaries in her home that one day in 1964 and shortly after was baptized with my grandfather, Pedro, who was also a very active freemason. My lola was an active member of the Eastern Star as well. She liked to wear hats and dress up. She always wore jewelry. And heels. She was ahead of her time.

I always remember my grandparents. I remember everything they taught me. I remember what it was like to be with them. I still see them frequently in my dreams and feel their presence. Just a few days ago, I felt them close to me.

I've always had a special reverence for my Lolo and Lola. In my culture, we always revere and respect our elders. We kiss our grandparents' hands as a sign of respect. We never call them by their first names. And we always use a special respectful and formal way of addressing them. Our language has special pronouns we use for anyone older than us.

My children are raised here in a culture were the kind of respect and honor given to parents or the elderly are supposed to be earned, not just given willy-nilly. They have the option to talk back. That is not even a thought in my culture...it just simply will not cross anyone's right mind.

It is very difficult for me to bridge that gap because my children do speak their minds and do not use the respectful language that I am used to. I am not saying they are rude but by what I am used to, by my culture, they would be right on the border. It's hard for me mentally and emotionally to sometimes cross that gap because in reality, I am the only one who is required to cross because no one knows there's a gap. And so most of the time, I feel crappy. The reality is starting to hit me because I am getting old and if something happens to me, I don't want to be the burden that the elderly are wont to be in this culture. In my culture, its unthinkable to NOT take care of elderly parents. And I understand that the cultural infrastructure does not allow that to happen. My hope is that I will die a quick death.

Anyway, I think the trick in this culture is to mentally and emotionally disconnect from my children-- to just drive it through my head that they are separate, distinct and no longer need nor want my input in their lives.

I am going to find a nice condo in Spain and live out my life taking care of other people. Parents are disposable here. And that's a sad deal.

"Love" Addiction: The Serial Girlfriend

I was a serial girlfriend totally addicted to love. I loved the highs of pursuit---the power and exhilaration of having someone be in my thrall. I loved the sport of hunting for a boyfriend especially when he was SOMEONE ELSE'S boyfriend and then cockily giving myself "two weeks" to unlatch him from her and having him fall in love with me instead. I had never failed. As my list of conquests grew, I also made a lot of enemies. But I got a huge high from that risk. It was addicting. And numbing. It was ecstasy. Who needs drugs when the exhilaration one gets from being a serial girlfriend is just as intoxicating?

My list of serial relationships is shamefully too long. I don't even care to list them now which is a huge thing because I literally used to keep a running list as though it were a sterling queue of wondrous accomplishments. I understand this behaviour now. Crystal. And I know the drill---every step, every stage, every manipulation. It's a dizzying sense of power. But the irony is, while I felt powerful, I was really a slave to the highs of this addictive behaviour. And it was a choice I made....albeit foolishly. I had no one to define or clarify to me what I was doing. I simply got a lot of judgment. That's the insidious part of this kind of addiction. Everybody just realizes you're a jerk or simply a user.

Knowing all this, I feel ever so undeservedly blessed that this reckless addiction did not affect me in ways that prevented me from being trapped in situations that were irreversible. I am an undeserving survivor. I came out of this addiction unscathed and undoubtedly, wiser.

Just exactly what is this addiction? It's called 'falling in love'. It's ironic that the word 'fall' is used. The fall of Adam. The fall of Rome. The fall of civilization: as though it were inevitable. And it's accurate.

Being the movie buff that I've always been, I had my own ideas of what love is supposed to be. It's supposed to be that fiery, rapturous, intoxicating feeling---that feeling of butterflies and a physical reaction---when our toes curl and our bosom burns with yearning to be with that special someone who will make our lives finally be better, happier and complete. That's what Hollywood and books portray. And I wanted every bit of that.

But there is something irrational about this kind of love. "I love you but I'm not inlove with you" are words that are often used to describe and differentiate between simply 'loving' someone and being actually 'inlove'. Is there really a difference? And if so, which is the kind one must pursue?

Let me first define the terms here. Being 'inlove' is what I would call passionate love; the kind that feels euphoric, mystical, intoxicating. It's an intense longing to be with a certain someone--intense enough that it feels like a religious experience--a state of euphoria wherein we are transformed into a new person--someone who feels like belonging to that certain person--a feeling of rapture such that we feel that we are swept by a power stronger than ourselves and therefore outside the realm of who we really are. We see the person of our affections as someone who has power to make us happy and complete. We are obsessed by what the object of our affection can do for us---how perfect he is for us. We cannot see ourselves unless we are with that person. What we feel when we are with that person is our paramount concern and obsession.

Unfortunately, this is NOT a unique situation. Most of us know the drill: the initial bouyancy and lightness associated with the beginning of the phase of falling inlove--'walking on air' as we can describe it, the ensuing distraction and inability to focus on anything else, the super sensitivity to any small act or event that can be interpreted to be a sign favouring our attraction, the intense feeling of 'love' towards that person that gives us permission to put all other concerns in the back burner and the almost obsessive ability to emphasize any positive traits of the person we are falling inlove with and then viewing their negative traits as possibly even endearing. That's the first phase of a relationship exploration. Then when that phase settles down, we begin to really get to know each other in a more passive, calm, predictable way. Suddenly, things normalize and the highs of the 'falling' phase dissipate. Of course! When we fall, we always hit bottom. That's when the euphoria begins to disappear and we feel bored. Suddenly the relationship requires work. We begin to feel disillusioned. The things that used to endear us become annoyances. Then we start to miss that feeling of intoxicated rapture. We need another high. And the relationship suffers because now it's just work. That's when we realize we need to make a decision.

"To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus OUTSIDE ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his EGO to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty--the fulfillment of which brings true joy." (Pres. Thomas S. Monson)

The Manti Temple sealing room where we were sealed for all time and eternity.

Loving another person in this passionate way is unsustainable because it solely depends on the euphoric feeling associated with being 'in love'. It's a physical reaction. But of course. Scientists have long postulated that romantic love is a kind of addiction similar to that of a cocaine high. We feel as though when we are with that person, we are lifted up to another world better than what we knew before. 

"Falling in love affects intellectual areas of the brain and triggers the same sensation of euphoria experienced by people when they take cocaine, researchers from Syracuse University reveal in an article in Journal of Sexual Medicine." (Medical News Today) 

But loving another person in a more COMPASSIONATE way is a choice made outside of ourselves. We don't ask the question 'what can he do to make me happy?" because we know that happiness is a choice that we make and not incumbent on another person. It is a love rooted in the principles of a living a Christ-like life---using the mechanism of his atonement, both redemptive and enabling, to nourish and work towards a relationship similar to that of Christ and his people. Priesthood power is a necessity as well as a deep and abiding love for the Saviour because both man and woman understand the sacred order associated with the binding and sealing powers of the new and everlasting covenant. Loving someone becomes a CHOICE....an everyday choice within the banal, realistic visages of earthly life with a hope for eternal life clearly imprinted on our destination plate.

"Surrending our ego" as Pres. Monson has stated involves humility. When we are in the thrall of being 'inlove', humility is the last thing on our mind because we are simply carried away by these wondrous rapturous feelings. Humility---that is, being available to be taught by the Spirit, is difficult when we are constantly longing for that feeling of rapture---that feeling that we are now addicted to. Wondering and anticipating when we will feel that way again makes us oblivious to the ordinary miracles that may be already in front of us.

When my husband and I were contemplating marriage, his greatest fear was that he might, after making the choice to marry me, find 'a better car' alluding to his metaphor about buying a car and choosing a woman to marry. He was blind to the fact that after knowing each other for a year or so, and had become best friends that although he cared for me, he wasn't sure that he was 'inlove' with me. We have now been married 31 years and everyday has been a decision to love each other. Some days are easy. And some are not. But we are in harmony knowing that a relationship needs work. And happiness is really a choice that we make when we choose to think outside ourselves. As time goes by, loving each other is a lot easier and we find that without the other, we are simply lost--a testament that deciding to love each other invariably reaches a point were we really are a true unit--independent when apart but complete when together.

Tragically, our culture assumes that without this 'romantic, passionate love', a relationship simply is not worth it....that it is the single ingredient that makes a relationship achieve success. But I think that that is Satan's deception because when we find ourselves in a more direct, simple, uncomplicated relationship that seems so ordinary, we think that it is unacceptable---that having a more fiery, extraordinary relationship full of drama and euphoria is more exciting. That is a severe fallacy. Simply unsustainable fallacy. If we seek this sort of ship to sail with our love, then we have just bought a ticket out to sea on the Titanic.

"How do you choose a wife? I've heard a lot of young people from Brigham Young University and elsewhere say, "I've got to get a feeling of inspiration. I've got to get some revelation. I've got to fast and pray and get the Lord to manifest to me whom I should marry." Well, maybe it will be a little shock to you, but never in my life did I ever ask the Lord whom I ought to marry. It never occurred to me to ask him. I went out and found the girl I wanted; she suited me; I evaluated and weighed the proposition, and it just seemed a hundred percent to me as though this ought to be." (Bruce R. McConkie)

I know the above quote from Bruce R. McConkie is missing some context but I would greatly encourage you to read the full speech HERE. But what I garnered from this great talk is that choosing a spouse requires the following: 1) "Finding" or a search  2) Evaluation 3) Weighing the proposition.  I would think that a search requires a list of suitable requirements. I mean, you just don't go to purchase a car without careful study. You must already know what you want and not let a 'falling inlove' event that enslaves you in its thrall to suddenly compromise your requirements! I do not need to list these requirements because that is all that church leaders talk about. Evaluation requires a set of empiricals that cannot be seen clearly wearing the rose-coloured spectacles of romantic anticipation. We must use our intellect to sort things out....to study it in our minds. And weighing the proposition requires a study of pros and cons until we reach a viable, clear realization that the choice we are making is a wise one. Evaluation and study also require counseling with our parents, the people who love us, our priesthood leaders....and then a clear mind to weigh all these things and then find a conclusion. Then we can make that decision. Amazingly, it is only AFTER we make the decision when things will feel right....or obviously uneasy because making a decision will suddenly create results. What a revelation! A decision is what creates results!!

Choose a path or go NOWHERE.

What scares most young people is making that decision itself because making a decision means you get to close all other opportunities and if you are still starry-eyed and longing for the highs and euphoria of 'falling inlove' again, then you are white-knuckling through and perhaps will become too afraid to make a decision. Unfortunately, all decisions have an expiry date and not making a decision is tantamount to surrendering all your power. The decision will simply be made for you and you become powerless. A feckless, loser weakling---never really experiencing for yourself what courage feels like. It's alright to be afraid because without fear, your courage cannot be measured. But being paralyzed by fear is closing your eyes to all possibilities, to any vision or hope or to the opportunity to exercise faith.

The greatest realization about choosing someone to love is that when we choose to love, we choose to love a mere, ordinary mortal who has weaknesses and whose companionship is a paradox to us. As the relationship matures, the characteristics that we first found endearing to us become the same ones that annoy us. It then becomes a necessity to make the choice to continue to love. When we are passionately inlove, we choose to love angels and extraordinary creatures...until they transform to mere mortals and then we are disillusioned. Sometimes we reject them because we realize they do not fit our most important requirements. And then sometimes, we reject them because we simply want another hit....another high....not really seeing that this person actually has all the important requirements we used to deem important. So we really need to be honest with ourselves.

Finally, we must realize that a stable relationship emerges from the trials and challenges that two people have braved together. Love that is proven through time and distance is so very rare and exceptional and if you are blessed with this, take very good care that you do not devalue the miracle that it is. When I was a girl scout, we used to sing a song: Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. There is indeed some truth to that adage because the proof of time clearly has value that in our new day and age is severely undervalued because 'new' is always exciting and better. That is the new culture. How very sad. 

Harmony is achieved through practice and a lot of missteps and miscues made whole and right. Many times it simply requires the banal. But when all voices work in tandem, harmony most beautiful is achieved. Compassionate love is like that---it's quiet, solemn and often invisible. It does not flaunt itself. It does not announce its presence. It is rooted in the humility that makes us teachable, not enslaved. We become creatures of the Spirit---together, as a celestial unit. And thus, it becomes necessary that each one has a belief system firmly rooted in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in the power of the sealing and marriage under the new and everlasting covenant. That steadfast sureness as a couple only shows itself in a calmness that is the complete opposite of the fireworks and electricity of 'falling inlove'. It is not the "I no longer miss you like before syndrome, or the "it's not as exciting anymore" banality, nor the feeling that it just can't go further because it stopped being exciting. That is precisely when the second phase begins....the now quiet time when the things that really matter need to shine-- the things that require work-- the fashioning of smooth stones from rough rocks. Work. Then the offering of ourselves to a God to touch that relationship with his Hand after we realize that the peace of finding someone with Christ-like qualities now overpower the rapture and excitement of physical attraction and the excitement of newness.  It's a peace that defies the euphoria of romance. It's peace that comes from a decision made wisely and for a purpose more divine. 

Shortly after our wedding in the Manti Temple, we had a taste of our cake.

Just Love

So what I am thinking lately is that it kind of sucks to live here in the US sometimes. What I've experienced is that giving love the way I do is really not a good thing. OK. Let me give some context to that.

I am what you might call....one who likes to show a lot of love by doing things for those I decide to love. I like to make things for them, I like to cook for them, I like to give gifts, I like to talk, I like to just give. But culturally, I notice that Americans have a very wide berth around them...as in, their personal space is very limited. When you show a lot of attention or continue to be generous, they start to become very suspicious. And you can feel it. And then you suddenly feel stupid. And then you start to feel like you're trespassing into their territory. And then I feel judged.

I wish that that were not so.

But it is.

And when I spent 2 weeks in Spain with some friends, I realized that I was so much happier because they allowed me to love them so freely....and with so much exuberance.

It made me remember what it was like because at first, I was very, very guarded. And then I remembered what it was like. And then I was happy.

I feel the same way when I am with my Filipino friends who are not LDS.

I also notice that friendships are not as robust and intense among Americans. Friendships tend to last only a short time and have their seasons. I have friends who I feel a close kinship with and who I still love whom I have known since elementary school!! And my high school friends are still close to me. We get together very often and love each other deeply. We feel for each other, happy for each other's successes, and worry about each other when we are going through life's challenges. We are always checking on each other. Americans tend to discard friendships so easily. I guess it's because their culture is heavily attached to self-reliance---that they can do things on their own. My culture tends to believe in being there for each other.

Anyway, I have been back from Spain now for a couple of weeks and already I feel myself holding back. And I am so very sad.

When Miracles Are Not

My daughter said something the other day that sparked a vivid remembrance. It was as if a sudden spark jarred that memory to the surface.

It was the fall of 1976. I was in a depressed state. I had just broken up with my boyfriend who, after just several weeks of being separated, had suddenly become engaged to another girl. It was one thing to break up with him---that was almost a relief but how could he already be engaged to someone else so quickly? That was depressing and it really  killed my confidence. I suddenly felt utterly replaceable. My ego was crushed. Suddenly, I questioned myself. I knew I had let someone wonderful go. But I also knew that I was not in any position to marry anyone in the state that I was in. I felt like I was caught in a horrible situation. I felt powerless and alone. So one afternoon, right before going to work, I knelt down by my bed and said a prayer. I remember that prayer ever so clearly. I asked God to "please send someone for me to love. Someone who will love me." I cried to him and felt so alone and miserable.

That same afternoon, I met a nice young man. His name was Tom. Tom from Dubuque, Iowa. He was in the US Army stationed in Oahu and he was taking his parents around. They were visiting the Polynesian Cultural Center where I was working as a tour guide. I took them around. He asked me to join them for dinner. I thought, 'why not?' And the adventure began. He was the answer to my prayer and I was shocked that the Lord had blessed me so quickly. Same day delivery. An unexpected miracle. It had to be. Not even 6 hours had passed since I was on my knees sobbing in desperate prayer...asking for a desperate miracle.

Me and Tom

Tom was a Christian. And at first he liked that I was LDS and we had the same desires and standards. He did not smoke, drink or cuss. He took care of himself. He was kind and fun. He treated me as though I were a princess. Later, it would become more apparent that he wanted to 'save' me from the cult of Mormonism. But he still made me feel safe, secure and loved. And I still felt that God blessed me tremendously by giving him to me when I needed him best. And I felt loved. The very notion that Tom was an answer to my prayer made him a blessing to me...a seeming miracle straight from heaven. And I misused that blessing when I allowed the circumstances to overpower my will and my own knowledge of good and bad. The fact that Tom felt like a blessing to me became the EXCUSE and rationale for making mistakes that alienated me from my friends, my standards, my own will, by beliefs, my family and my God. My blessing became my curse. And I paid a very steep price. This miracle was not. It was, in fact, a trial that would precede the real miracle that will take a few more years to happen.  Miracles do not 'just happen'.  When things fall into place according to our mindless plans or selfish desires, be wary. That's only the preparation to place you in the perfect spot for a trial that will precede the miracle...the miracle you may not have prayed for but is, in fact, what God has planned for you that will yield greater blessings that you did not even have the wherewithal to consider because you were too busy being.....human. As in my case, I was too busy being lonely, too busy feeling sorry for myself and too busy being miserable. To know that there is  God who knows me more than I know myself is....a miracle that is.

The Lord once asked Moses to make a likeness of a serpent out of brass to be placed on the end of a pole. And if a serpent bites any of the Israelites, all they had to do was look upon that brass serpent and they would live. That brass serpent was a blessing to them that God prepared to help in their time of great distress when they had to contend with fiery serpents that God also sent to them because of their lack of faith which led to much disobedience. And yet, this brass serpent that saved their lives also became their curse....because of their own lack of perspective...a lack of understanding. Shortly after, the Israelites began to burn incense 'unto the brazen serpent' (2Kings 18:1-4) and worship it. Their blessing now become a source of their own condemnation.

What we see as miracles in our lives can turn into our own serpent of brass when we use these blessings as a way to confuse us, an excuse to overlook the better choices or as a negotiating point with God to do what we want, confusing instant gratification with "feeling good" and therefore fool ourselves into thinking that we are doing the right thing BECAUSE it feels good. Clever, clever ploy that the adversary uses on good people.

How do we prevent this clever ploy from confusing us? I often wonder about this. And my own experiences have taught me some very important principles that I hope will aid my children when Satan uses this clever ploy.

I believe that it is our CHOICE that renders our blessings as either something that will cause us to achieve more light, understanding and therefore more JOY.....or whether our blessings can turn into a source of derailment, loss of focus on truth or blindness to the things that we are supposed to hope for causing darkness, burden and a loss of JOY.

LIGHT

I am fascinated by scriptures that talk about light. Paul talks so eloquently about this in his epistles but I feel that the depth and breadth of what he is really saying is so lost to those who cannot focus on what the gospel really means: the atonement and our relationship to Christ. All of his letters to the saints in Ephesus talk about this. Here are the verses that right now come to the surface for me:

For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light. (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth;) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. Ephesians 5:8-11

There really is an indubitable amount of 'light' in our countenance when we live our lives OUTSIDE ourselves---that is, when paramount in our minds and heart is service and sensitivity to others- when faith replaces fear and/or doubt and hope replaces a lack of vision and focus. When we forget our pain, our bitterness, our fears or the now invasive sport of blame assignment and instead concentrate on the tasks at hand--our hopes, our righteous objectives, a mind that seeks the inspiration that comes from personal revelation, we attain more light. Such is how the gift and power of the Holy Ghost works in us---and how the atonement is made active in our lives. Many times we only concentrate on the redeeming power of the atonement....not realizing that inextricably joined with that power is also the ENABLING or the EMPATHETIC powers of the atonement. It is why Christ descended below all things---so He can, as a mortal, experience all our pains, sorrows and fears. He knows all experientially. And therefore, by the atonement made active in our lives, we can access wisdom and knowledge through personal revelation---line upon line to receive more instruction, more understanding, more knowledge. If we are too busy or distracted, we cannot be sensitive to these quiet and subtle instructions that can only be heard by our spiritual 'ears' and seen by our spiritual 'eyes'. Without faith, we develop bitterness and hardness of heart. Without hope we lose our purpose and walk in circles. Good people simply go through the motions of doing the right thing poorly. The doing is their own reward. But the destination is never close, the true reward always elusive or even no longer desired and light slowly ebbs from their countenance.

That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth MORE light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day. (D&C 50:24)

How we feel at the end of the day matters. How we feel when we are alone with ourselves matter. And we can FEEL it.

THE WAKE OF OUR DECISIONS

We need to take a step back and make an assessment of our decisions and where we are in our lives. If we feel 'darkness' and a feeling of disorder, we have reduced or stepped out of the light. We can feel it. Because when we are by ourselves, we feel burdened, unhappy and dark. That's when we make decisions that break us, confuse us and derail us.

Interestingly, the word "decision" stems from the Latin word which means "to cut off". When we make decisions, we have to assess loss. Therefore, righteous decisions always give us more opportunities for service, joy and growth. Poor decisions limit us...cut us off or box us in. For most of us, it is not even a matter of making bad decisions. It's a matter of making the BEST decisions to help us reach our highest potential. That requires the gift of the Holy Ghost---doing what we were enjoined to do when we were baptized: To "receive the Holy Ghost".

When I receive instructions from that quiet voice...or sometimes, indubitably clear instructions, my initial reaction is ALWAYS: "But...."  "But I don't want to. But I am not wired that way. But that is too hard. But that is not like me to do that. But that is not in my nature. But that's too inconvenient. But that doesn't make sense right now." Very rarely will I just 'do it'.   Think about it. Do you really think the Spirit will intervene to tell you to do what you are already doing? Status quo, right? So He just lets you. Then you feel good because it's the right thing to do. But when He needs to intervene, it's BECAUSE you need a change....that's why it's an INTERVENTION. That's why He urges you to do something against your imperfect nature and suggests a change to improve your nature....to get you close to God's will. So when the Spirit inspires, directs, instructs, it is a moment of JOY....because His instructions lead to only what the Lord wants you to do. How can we protest that? How can we be upset about that? We must learn to follow joyfully.

Here are a few practical suggestions on what to watch out for when making decisions.

I

Remember that making crucial decisions when you are tired, unhappy, exhausted, depressed, despondent, desperate....you get the picture....is NEVER EVER EVER a good idea.  DO NOT MAKE CRUCIAL LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS DURING TIMES OF TRANSITION....especially indulging in dreams borne out of bitterness and ego-stroking. This is because your thinking is very LIMITED---and you are most probably making NEGATIVE PROJECTIONS into your future. Hopelessness is never a good factor when making decisions. Neither is hurt nor pain. If you make decisions when your life is at this stage, any decision will be disastrous. Remember that decision-making LIMITS or deals in LOSS so if you are in a state of resentment, hopelessness, despondence or negativity from hurt or pain, it would be improbable that you are projecting any REAL joyful and realistic outcomes in your future. All you would be projecting would be ESCAPE. And your losses will be catastrophic. It's easy to realize you are in this state---you become obsessed with blame--you blame yourself, your parents, your loved ones, your enemies....even your dog. And you become obsessed with guilt, with 'what-ifs' and go round and round creating solutions that don't work because your focus is now foggy....seen 'through a glass darkly'.

II

If you're making a decision a certain way so you DON'T have to ask for help, that's a huge red flag. Many times we make decisions that are clandestine because we don't want other people's judgment. Or we lie about these decisions. It's going around in circles needing help but not wanting help from others because deep inside you already KNOW that your decision sucks.

In this technological age of easy avoidances, texting is one of the most telling methods of NOT really asking for help. We text because we don't want to 'talk'.  We even text others about very crucial things because we can't bear to talk about them! Human life was meant to be a social, contact sport. We NEED others to help us realize our hopes and dreams. If we do it alone, we are actually in a sort of denial--putting ourselves in a dark cave as we make our decisions in secret because we are afraid that others might tell us we are wrong. In many instances, that instinctive fear is accurate. We are indeed hiding because we are doing something foolish.

When this happens, remember that time and space are your greatest allies. And so are the people who love you. Think about those people who have been tried and tested. Friends who have stayed with you during times of difficulties. Loving parents and family are your first go-to allies. Remember those who love you. They are the ones who will offer you succor, strength and a listening ear....at the very least allow you to talk so you can organize your thoughts. Remember those who do not judge you but know and recognize your best parts and still see them even in your pain, sorrow or confusion. Go back to them and invite them into your life.

III

"Because it makes me happy" is often a red flag. That's because it is so far removed from the statement: BECAUSE I AM HAPPY. Nothing MAKES us happy. We are simply happy because we are the person we should be....because we are in a place where we are outwardly reaching out to people, have a clarity of purpose and hope and a confidence that we are learning, growing and empowered by a sense of joy because we can see, feel, smell, touch that vision of hope---that righteous desire in our hearts wrought and made possible by the hand of God....because we see the miracles everyday that tells us that God is with us and loves us.

'"Because I feel good when I am with him/her" is a fallacy. We need to independently feel good and therefore seek those who are like us....those who can uplift, empower and connect with us in such a way that we are the best that we can be. When we are hopeless, fearful and give in to negativity, we experience a hardening of our hearts and continue to seek ways to numb ourselves in our misery. There are many things that aid in 'soothing' that broken, fearful heart: callousness and a hardening of our resolve to FEEL anything. And then because we don't feel anything anymore, we seek for quick fixes: drugs, dumb decisions, superficial activities and token good deeds. And then often, we indulge in relationships that are 'below our paygrade'  where we actually CONTORT ourselves to fit into that situation and then convince ourselves that we are happy there even when others around us are in disbelief that we have done this.

The insidious part of this situation is that everyone becomes our enemy---everyone is against us. We feel that, we resent it and then we act upon it....alienating ourselves from those who truly love us. And then this enormous decision becomes a dangerous proposition because we have begun to isolate ourselves from the very people who are trying to pull us away from our bad decisions....to save us from ourselves until in time, we discover ourselves alone, confused and astounded as to how we got there.

IV

Decisions taken from the standpoint of "at least I have...." are big red flags and should be addressed and assessed. How often have we heard abused women who simply CANNOT and WILL NOT leave a desperate and often dangerous situation because they fear being alone. "At least I am not alone." Or "at least he comes home and pays the mortgage."  Or "at least he does not hurt the kids and only me." Ahhhh........ "At least I am happy with him and everybody is just going to have to suck it up." I don't know of any good decision that has been defended by this paradigm of thought. It is sad, dangerous and most of all IRRESPONSIBLE to think and defend decisions in this manner.

V

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them. (3 Nephi 14:18-20)

This is another great clue when making decisions. The 'wake' created by your decisions should bring about 'good fruit'---that is, those decisions do not cause you to make further foolish decisions. If you need to lie, tell half-truths or hide your actions, then you are essentially acting upon what you already know is wrong. That's because you've already lost the power to make good and honest choices---choosing instead, to justify, misrepresent or deny the gravity of the 'wrongness' of your decision or choices. 

When I was with Tom, I fooled myself into thinking that because he was such a blessing and an answer to my prayer that anything I did with him was approved by God because HE was the one who blessed me with Tom. God gave me a miracle. I knew I was wrong but I still believed that. Because I was now powerless. And ending that relationship was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made that resulted in such turmoil and drama that was all so unnecessary.....and shameful. By the time he was finally gone, I had no friends, no confidence, felt dirty, isolated and unloved. I could not even see that I could have a future. But with God's help, I was able to survive this foolish, foolish situation brought about by foolish and unnecessary mistakes. Because I KNEW better.

All blessings given to us from God are in essence, trials. There is no blessing that is simply a blessing in and of itself. Doing token good deeds are rewards unto themselves. But anything that comes from God though disguised as legitimate blessings are really trials. Wealth, health, family, love, membership in the church, intelligence, children, even choice and accountability....all of these blessings are indeed trials and opportunities for growth and the understanding of God's will. Any of these blessings can be turned into curses according to the choices we make on how to use them. 

"I don't want to wake up little Billy because he needs his sleep so we'll skip sacrament meeting and leave when he wakes up...."

"I don't have to worry about exercise because I have good health and I obey the Word of Wisdom".

"I already asked my visiting teaching family if they needed my help and they said they didn't so I don't have to think about them until next month...."

Even the simple blessing that we can read can turn into a curse when we read things that dull our hearts to the spirit. Blessings of technology used poorly can turn into perversions of carnality, sordid imaginations and virtual, empty lives. Even the blessing of having a family can give us an excuse to not extend our arms to reach out to others, deciding instead to limit love and caring only to our clan. And then there are those blessings that are already in front of us that we don't recognize because we are looking about for something different...something that can "make us feel accomplished"...not understanding that there is nothing that can MAKE us feel anything. WE are the ones who choose how to feel about the opportunities that are before us---whether we will use them, magnify them and bless OTHERS' lives with them. Or blind ourselves pining for things that we see only through bitterness, loneliness or selfishness. Blessings and miracles are given to us to bless others....not to grow our perceived stature. That is the true miracle. Once the miracle falls so sweetly and easily on our laps, the test begins... is it a miracle? Or not? What we do next determines that outcome. 

As we do the right things in our lives, we can do them poorly.....or we can do the right things with a keen clarity given only by the Spirit when we are humble, with joyful exuberance and a real desire to bless others' lives---especially our own families.

Blessings are for our perfection---opportunities to become like Christ. Every single blessing we receive from God's hands carry with them responsibilities and opportunities to use them according to His will and purpose. If we don't realize that....then the blessings simply are their own rewards and we become attached to them not knowing that they are ours for fulfilling God's purpose through us. What a noble and great opportunity. If only I can remember that always.