Complaining Frenzy

I think I am having a bad day. My incision hurts, my skin feels so tight, the area around the middle of my incision is just plan numb it feels weird and I still have some swelling--hardness under the skin. It feels like I'm wearing a very tight pair of pants and I need to take them off so I can breathe and be comfortable. So I take off my pants and....nothing. I realize it's my skin. Ugh.

I am so annoyed. And I'm annoyed that my expensive Anthropologie skirts and jeans don't fit. Ok, I know I should be happy that I've lost all that weight and instead of wearing a size 12, I can wear an 8. I KNOW that. I am happy dang it. But I'm also not. I can't wear pants coz I'm shaped like a cone cylinder and everything falls. And I feel fat for some reason. Fatter. FATTER in fact. And I don't know what looks good on me. And I feel like part of me has died. I feel...not me. I feel terrible.

For the past week, I've been awake all night mostly with racing thoughts and new projects threatening to have me obsess over them. I've even had the strangest compulsion to play my guitar. I haven't played my guitar in DECADES. I tried to play it and....my fingers wouldn't do what they used to do. Spaz. I am aghast.

So I am writing this because I need to vent. And I don't know why. I feel like crying but I don't know why...and even if I wanted to, I can't anyway because my mind disconnects. Am I going crazy???