Amor Sin Fronteras

 You've Got To Be Carefully Taught

My childhood was filled with strife and challenges that I survived seemingly without much serious damage. Or perhaps a combination of time and a wonderful husband has blunted much of its pain and repercussions. Nevertheless, one thing I learned early on is that the emotions one feels as a child at any age are real and as deep as any time in one's life. Therefore these emotions need validation. That is a crucial need. 

A child can be afraid of the dark and as adults, we sometimes tend to belittle them by pooh-pooh-ing this fear. That's when they learn that the world around them can be scary. Worse, they can also begin to feel doubt about the people who are supposed to care for and protect them. 

I think that feelings can be schooled as we mature but the sum total of our childhood experiences can affect us -- especially when the emotions are strong. But as we age, the source of these emotions can be forgotten leaving us with strong feelings but without experiences to attach them to. Some of us have anger with no reason. Some of us feel bitterness. Or feel insignificant. Or scared. Or hating some people who remind us of someone we don't remember.

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You've got to be taught to hate and fear

You've got to be taught from year to year

It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear

You've got to be carefully taught

You've got to be taught to be afraid

Of people whose eyes are oddly made

And people whose skin is a different shade

You've got to be carefully taught

You've got to be taught before it's too late

Before you are 6 or 7 or 8  

To hate all the people your relatives hate

You've got to be carefully taught

(From the musical, "South Pacific")

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I was chatting with someone from my daughter's boyfriend's family who told me that it is hard for them to see how she is important to him because of their "collective uncertainty about the future of their relationship..." I was suddenly jarred by the realization of how different we are in the way we see things. 

One of my sons had a girlfriend in high school. He was but 17 or so at the time but I was so aware that feelings are real no matter how old you are. These feelings must be validated and appreciated. His girlfriend was a wonderful person and I went for it full throttle. I just loved her. And though I knew the odds of them making it was slim, I loved her as though she were mine just in case they make it.  And though they didn't and I was a little disappointed when they broke up, the love I felt for her was stronger than the momentary disappointment. She married one of my son's best friends and now together with my son's wife, are all close friends. Their children play together and there is a wonderful rapport between all of them. And I still love her. There's just so much love to go around and it feels so good to have all these wonderful people that I love! Everything just multiplied!

My daughter and her boyfriend have been dating since high school...and long after. They have gone through so many challenges and unexpected twists and turns. Unlike my son and his HS sweetheart, I think they have a very good chance of making it. But it doesn't matter if the odds are slim. I went for it full throttle. I love him a lot. And always will just like I still love Heidi.

It is sometimes frustrating that we have such cultural limitations that prevent us from acknowledging feelings that are real. The 'what if' and the 'but' or the 'you're not supposed to feel that' are merely born out of fear -- mostly, fear of being hurt or disappointed. But those feelings go hand in hand with loving someone. We just cannot have those fears limit us from experiencing and seeing things as they wondrously are. 

Christ loved us even when He knew full well that we would disappoint him...or even turn away from him. And His love is so perfect that it transcends all hurt and all pain. That is how He, being perfect, could descend below all things. It is that perfect love that carried him through---that He is able to bear all things.

I used to think that hate is the opposite of love. Or apathy. But really, it is fear.

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While attending a function, I suddenly saw my reflection on the glass window. It jarred me because instantly, I saw how different I looked from all the other people in the room that I was seeing. I was the only Asian. 

For the most part, in the 22 years that I've lived here in Henderson, Nevada, I've only associated with non-Asian people. It is not by choice. It just worked out that way. 

It's amazing to me that in a big way, I can 'forget' that I'm different. Not that I am trying to be 'white' though of course, I wanted to culturally assimilate. It's just  common sense to do that.  And I was just trying to survive my days! But in my dealings, it is rare that I'm reminded that I am racially different. The only time I become painfully aware of my ethnicity is when I am treated poorly---mostly by service people. But then again, there are plenty of ignoramuses that roam the malls and spas. 

I love being different. And I also love being the same as others. My children are a mix of Filipino, Chinese, Spanish, English and Swedish. Mixed ancestry provides so much advantage---better health, longer life, more vim and vigor and exotic looks! I do not fear being different. But then again, others have a fear of those who are different from them....as do I. But we must learn to bridge those differences because they are born out of fear...

...and being 'carefully taught'.