Mothering When They Do Not Need Mothering Is An Opportunity To See Your Handiwork
When children started to come to our little family composed of me and my best friend/college sweetheart/husband, my focus turned to accumulating as much information as I could about the art and science of raising children. Many of these books and manuals were very interesting. Some comical. Some very scientific. Some teeming with wise advise from experience. Some contained a lot of superfluous garbage. But I took on as much information as my mind could absorb and coupled with my own acute observations of children and the adults who 'supervise' and care for them, I started to form my own conclusions and the resulting executions based on these became my very own style and brand of mothering. I would often, in my head, run various hypothetical scenarios and then figured out intelligent and sensitive solutions to potential pickles and confusing circumstances.
When one by one my children became teenagers and young adults, I found myself in unfamiliar scenarios that never before I had considered or pondered. I had to relearn how to mother when my children wanted independence and just have their mother be in a distance far enough that they cannot feel my presence and influence...or nurturing but close enough to feel safe.
With married sons and daughters old enough to seriously consider marriage, I thought I'd list the top five for now:
1. When your sons get married, you must accept that your daughters-in-law should, must and definitely take over your spot as the most important, influential and beloved woman in your sons' lives. If you have very close relationships with your sons, be prepared for that relationship to change drastically... as in, you must take your place in the background where you no longer are privy to your sons' every thoughts, opinions and especially, attention. That their wives are the most important persons in their lives is a testament of your sons' intelligence, wisdom and sensitivity. Aha. It is a testament that I raised them well. Therefore, I must feel utter joy about this phenomenon. This does not have to happen after marriage. This happens when they begin to date someone seriously. Get out of the way! If you raised your sons well, they will choose wisely. And in all probability, they will even choose wives who have many of your qualities---qualities that they love in you...qualities they are used to....qualities that bring them safety and security...qualities that make them feel loved.
2. Never discipline, berate or give unsolicited advise to your adult children in front of their sweethearts, wives, husbands and peers. Lord help our children if they have gotten used to our roles as meddling mothers and apron-wearing despots! They run the risk of searching for companions and spouses who can offer them what they are used to---especially if they love their mothers. When our children become adults, our responsibility is to get to know them as they have evolved while we were gone. We must see them with fresh eyes and wrap our memories of them when they lived under our constant care in a beautiful box, tie a nice shiny ribbon around that box and stow it in that museum of wonderful memories deep inside our hearts and minds. Then we must very carefully observe them...admire them and find their strengths because there will be countless...no, innumerable nuances and qualities that will fill us with wonderment and awe that this fine human being who came out of our bodies can love another human being with such tenderness, get deeply hurt in ways we can surely relate to, improve their situations, reinvent themselves or come out of heartache triumphant with beauty you've never noticed before.
3. Never talk badly about an in-law. Never never never. Oh...did I say NEVER? And just as important as this, NEVER ever talk badly about ANY family member. Oh the bad fruit this can bear can be the most bitter of all fruits. Your frame of mind or your perspective, tried by experience or tested by eons of time or culture CAN be inapplicable, immaterial or not even germane to someone else's reality by virtue of their experience or disposition. So you just cannot impose your own standards or expectations on others....especially the members of your family. You MUST sincerely try to see things in their own light lovingly investigating and learning more about the people who inhabit your circle of families. Seek to understand. When I first joined my husband's family, I immediately discovered that their sport of choice was to talk about a certain in-law. That was toxic because it just became a habit to talk about each other. I hate it. And it still goes on. This cannot happen to my family. It just can't. Too much joy is at stake!
4. Be kind and always speak in loving tones. If you find that the way you talk to each other is negative and sarcastic or even self-deprecating, fix it IMMEDIATELY. It's always hard to admit mistakes but once you get started, it's easy to navigate through hurt feelings. The most important principle I learned is that it is possible to ask God to remove negative feelings and to replace them with love and tenderness. Recently, I had the experience of a very limited interaction with another woman who liked to talk about the members of her family. There is so much turmoil and strife among them. I think that the way they talk to each other is steeped in sarcasm, loudness and unkindness. Even if they want to speak more kindly, they can't because the manner of speaking to each other has been established through so many years that they don't know what and how to replace this behaviour and changing feels weird and unnatural to them. Sometimes it is easy to talk to our adult children in condescending tones. That cannot happen. I just returned from visiting my children who are all in college or law school and it lifted my spirits so high to listen to them talk to each other---how they support each other, love each other and respect one another. Condescend? How can you feel that when you are being taught by your children? Allow them this and you will be lifted so high that you will know what 'awe' feels like.
5. I see my children's 'imperfections' as qualities that make them who they are. I mean, come on---we all know that no one is perfect so we choose companions whose imperfections are perfect for us. If we keep on harping and noticing our children's imperfections, we won't have time to 'respect' these same imperfections that make them who they are. And we miss out so terribly on seeing them. The time to police them is over. So what if one of them is opinionated? If you listen to their opinions with openness, you might learn something and be elevated. So what if one of them is loud? Is it possible to rejoice in their exuberance? Or so what if they like to watch movies that you don't think are worth the time? When we allow these things to annoy us and become part of the materials that build wedges and walls between us and our children, we lose. We miss out on opportunities to love them unconditionally.
Well, time has run away from me. And though I still have a myriad of thoughts, I must be disciplined enough to stop.
Besides, there's flan waiting for me.
When one by one my children became teenagers and young adults, I found myself in unfamiliar scenarios that never before I had considered or pondered. I had to relearn how to mother when my children wanted independence and just have their mother be in a distance far enough that they cannot feel my presence and influence...or nurturing but close enough to feel safe.
With married sons and daughters old enough to seriously consider marriage, I thought I'd list the top five for now:
1. When your sons get married, you must accept that your daughters-in-law should, must and definitely take over your spot as the most important, influential and beloved woman in your sons' lives. If you have very close relationships with your sons, be prepared for that relationship to change drastically... as in, you must take your place in the background where you no longer are privy to your sons' every thoughts, opinions and especially, attention. That their wives are the most important persons in their lives is a testament of your sons' intelligence, wisdom and sensitivity. Aha. It is a testament that I raised them well. Therefore, I must feel utter joy about this phenomenon. This does not have to happen after marriage. This happens when they begin to date someone seriously. Get out of the way! If you raised your sons well, they will choose wisely. And in all probability, they will even choose wives who have many of your qualities---qualities that they love in you...qualities they are used to....qualities that bring them safety and security...qualities that make them feel loved.
2. Never discipline, berate or give unsolicited advise to your adult children in front of their sweethearts, wives, husbands and peers. Lord help our children if they have gotten used to our roles as meddling mothers and apron-wearing despots! They run the risk of searching for companions and spouses who can offer them what they are used to---especially if they love their mothers. When our children become adults, our responsibility is to get to know them as they have evolved while we were gone. We must see them with fresh eyes and wrap our memories of them when they lived under our constant care in a beautiful box, tie a nice shiny ribbon around that box and stow it in that museum of wonderful memories deep inside our hearts and minds. Then we must very carefully observe them...admire them and find their strengths because there will be countless...no, innumerable nuances and qualities that will fill us with wonderment and awe that this fine human being who came out of our bodies can love another human being with such tenderness, get deeply hurt in ways we can surely relate to, improve their situations, reinvent themselves or come out of heartache triumphant with beauty you've never noticed before.
3. Never talk badly about an in-law. Never never never. Oh...did I say NEVER? And just as important as this, NEVER ever talk badly about ANY family member. Oh the bad fruit this can bear can be the most bitter of all fruits. Your frame of mind or your perspective, tried by experience or tested by eons of time or culture CAN be inapplicable, immaterial or not even germane to someone else's reality by virtue of their experience or disposition. So you just cannot impose your own standards or expectations on others....especially the members of your family. You MUST sincerely try to see things in their own light lovingly investigating and learning more about the people who inhabit your circle of families. Seek to understand. When I first joined my husband's family, I immediately discovered that their sport of choice was to talk about a certain in-law. That was toxic because it just became a habit to talk about each other. I hate it. And it still goes on. This cannot happen to my family. It just can't. Too much joy is at stake!
4. Be kind and always speak in loving tones. If you find that the way you talk to each other is negative and sarcastic or even self-deprecating, fix it IMMEDIATELY. It's always hard to admit mistakes but once you get started, it's easy to navigate through hurt feelings. The most important principle I learned is that it is possible to ask God to remove negative feelings and to replace them with love and tenderness. Recently, I had the experience of a very limited interaction with another woman who liked to talk about the members of her family. There is so much turmoil and strife among them. I think that the way they talk to each other is steeped in sarcasm, loudness and unkindness. Even if they want to speak more kindly, they can't because the manner of speaking to each other has been established through so many years that they don't know what and how to replace this behaviour and changing feels weird and unnatural to them. Sometimes it is easy to talk to our adult children in condescending tones. That cannot happen. I just returned from visiting my children who are all in college or law school and it lifted my spirits so high to listen to them talk to each other---how they support each other, love each other and respect one another. Condescend? How can you feel that when you are being taught by your children? Allow them this and you will be lifted so high that you will know what 'awe' feels like.
5. I see my children's 'imperfections' as qualities that make them who they are. I mean, come on---we all know that no one is perfect so we choose companions whose imperfections are perfect for us. If we keep on harping and noticing our children's imperfections, we won't have time to 'respect' these same imperfections that make them who they are. And we miss out so terribly on seeing them. The time to police them is over. So what if one of them is opinionated? If you listen to their opinions with openness, you might learn something and be elevated. So what if one of them is loud? Is it possible to rejoice in their exuberance? Or so what if they like to watch movies that you don't think are worth the time? When we allow these things to annoy us and become part of the materials that build wedges and walls between us and our children, we lose. We miss out on opportunities to love them unconditionally.
Well, time has run away from me. And though I still have a myriad of thoughts, I must be disciplined enough to stop.
Besides, there's flan waiting for me.
2 comments:
I just wanted to say thank you for posting your thoughts on this. I'm not in your position now, obviously, but the principles you talk about are applicable in many situations in which I find myself from day to day.
I had fun reading your latest blog! Very informative and I sure hope I can be ready to have that kind of attitude when my little ones are grown! So glad you and your hubby came to Ruby's blessing - it was great to see you. Thanks for your support; sorry we couldn't talk to you afterward as we bolted!
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