Believing in The Extraordinary

Believing in the Extraordinary

Waking up in the middle of the night still shaking from the torment of a nightmare, I struggled to return to reality. There was none. The nightmare was merely a playback of my past life spilling into the 'now'. The monster once again has caught up with me.

I know that there is a place reserved for those who harm little innocent children. I know it is a terrible place. And yet somehow I feel some measure of compassion for that uncle who not just stole the wonder and magic of my childhood but also shattered the vision of how I saw the world. I know he will never experience joy.

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. (Matthew 18:6)

The most painful and agonizing moment of my life was the realization that something wondrous had been taken away from me. It was the total loss. The darkness. The realization that my life would never again be the same. It was that clear even as a young child of 5 or 6. And though in my limited vocabulary I attempted to ask for help, the realization that help would not be forthcoming feels like a kind of death sentence. And so, hell was when you wake up in the morning and pretend that nothing happened. And you face your abuser day by day pretending that nothing happened. And you had to wait to grow up so you can figure out a way to escape. And day by day you try to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and try to put them back together piece by piece even though you will have to look at the world through a myriad of broken pieces held together by nothing but your will.

How does one emerge from all this darkness and pain? How did I survive this? Ahh...but that is the magic. There is still something I have that no one can steal or pry from me. It is even more wondrous than what he took from me. I have a little something that I was born with. It is the iron-clad, clear belief that something extraordinary is going to happen to me.

I always knew that there was a higher being who watched over me. And though I may have passed through terrible experiences and stumbled through confusion and desperation, I always felt his loving arms around me. All I had to do was close my eyes and I could feel the tender love of a God who loved me and who wanted to bless me. I never questioned this knowledge because it was in me from the very beginning. Though I could not articulate those feelings, I just knew and understood.

Sometimes, like that night when I had the series of nightmares, feelings will surface and again, I relive those dark moments. I pass through the sorrows and confusion once again. And I have to find a way to heal again. Some people may look at this and conclude that of course, it is a natural consequence of those horrible events of my life. But I don't see it that way. I see it as an opportunity to remember all the extraordinary events of my life that led me to the life that I have now. And every time I look back, I see miracles. And more miracles. I see the hand of God putting things back in order. And every day of my life, I see more and more of the extraordinary 'coincidences' that tell me that God indeed opens the windows of heaven such that there is barely room for me to receive them. My greatest fear is not that past. My greatest fear is that I will become ungrateful.

I have accomplished many things but the greatest of all that I have ever done is being a mother to four amazing children. I do not know what I have done to deserve the blessing of being their mother and learning so much from them but I am grateful. And the best decision I've ever made in my life is marrying the best friend I have ever had who still makes every day ever so wondrous and magical. With him, I feel safe. Because of him, the shattered window that I pieced together no longer has cracks or fissures. I can see even more clearly now. I no longer have to hold the pieces together. I see a clear and bright vision of the world. It is all I need.

The extraordinary is frequently invisible. But train your eyes and heart to see and slowly, all the magical pieces emerge and you begin to see not just the world around you but the extraordinary world of miracles and divine order.

Yeah. The nightmares may come. And darkness sometimes falls upon you. But believing that the extraordinary is possible is more than enough to heal you everytime darkness falls. It's wondrous. And nothing or no one can take that away from me