Behaviour and Disposition
Lately, I've noticed that I have had no desire nor even the inclination to be with people...large groups of people. For the past few weeks I've been in a funk--feeling really exhausted emotionally and consequently, physically. All I wanted to do was be alone. I get this way many times and its been a constant source of frustration and befuddlement to me.
I am not a shy person and I do not dislike people either. In fact, I've always thought me an articulate communicator and a very good listener. I don't like to talk about people but put me in a room with a bunch of free thinkers and I am in heaven because I love to talk about issues and ideas. I feel that I am interested in people and have always been a keen observer of behaviour. I usually sense what people think and why they tick the way they do. I am not timid about expressing my opinions and love to hear what other people think.
But put me in a situation where I have to do 'small talk' and I immediately feel like hurling. I become a total schizoid painfully and utterly aware that I am an alien in a dizzyingly threatening environment. And I get completely undone. My head hurts and I just want to be alone. I find that I cannot even respond to friendly hellos or 'small talk' because it feels painful. So I avoid eye contact and keep to myself. Thus, I do believe most people perceive me, at the very optimistic, unapproachable or perhaps even stuck-up.
Yet, I love people and want to be helpful. Oftentimes, I am generous to a fault and worry about others. I am loyal to those who I consider close friends. And am very interested in people in general. I even think I get along well with most people.
This incongruity in me makes it difficult to be LDS. While I know that I need to serve others and participate enthusiastically in various church events and activities, I find them very draining and I find that sometimes it takes weeks for me to regroup. This makes for an interesting dilemma. I get riddled by guilt that I am not a more 'warm and fuzzy' person. Yet I want to be that way. But I can't. And thus begins my descent into depression.
Through these years, I've just been flummoxed by my disposition--the irony and incongruity of my behaviour and disposition. Until a revelation---
I am an introvert! There is a name for what I have. And its ok for me to be me!
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Introverts:
Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."
When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.
Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.
Introverts make up about 60% of the gifted population but only about 25-40% of the general population.
So now, I can just relax. There's more of us! And though I am a minority in so many more ways than just this, I don't have to feel deficient. I am therefore, a hypomanic-depressive introvert. It feels good to have a definition. But still....I just want my alone time when I need it and I don't want to have to feel guilty that 'small talk' distresses me because when I am on my highs, I can be a 'small talk' expert.
So there.
4 comments:
Ah, very interesting post.
I find that converstaions with thoughtful people about interesting topics is often rejuvenating because I get to bounce my ideas off of them and vice versa.
It's similar to the internal conversation that goes on inside my head, but understanding comes faster and my own ideas are refined.
Small talk sometimes reminds me of a twinkie: it's sweet, but also unfulfilling and leaves you feeling a little sick aftewards.
Ahhh...therein lies the rub -- how to find 'thoughtful' and introspective people who are smarter and wiser.
Unlike Twinkies, small talk is a necessary evil though. I just have to engage in small talk when I really have to...like if I'm on one of my 'highs' or if it involves the business. Otherwise, it's a gamble.
Christie! I loved this post! I am an introvert too! But I never heard that definition before and I have always just thought I was a weak person, being so easily drained all the time, and needing so much alone time to recharge!
I have always dreaded Relief Society enrichment and ward parties because of this, and for a long time I thought I must not have enough spiritual endurance. Then one day, a friend of mine offered me these wise, liberating words: "If it's not an ordinance, it's optional."
So now I don't feel guilty if I opt out. I go when I feel as though I will actually be "enriched" by it, and I don't go otherwise. Instead I focus my spiritual energy on helping those who need help. We have a lot of young students (med students, law students, dental students) with young families in our ward...all of their extended families are far away. There is a constant need to bring meals, visit the sick, babysit, clean people's homes, run errands, etc. Those rarely require small talk and I can justify ditching church "social scenes" knowing I have invested my time in more useful purposes. No more guilt. (After all, wasn't the purpose of organizing the Relief Society in the first place to bring "relief" to those in need?)
Oh you are so right Mrs Jenn. I have another post about to happen called "Principles and Ordinances". Wait for it. We are of the same ilk. That's probably why even when you were in HS we could talk easily and 'get' each other. When your brother Jordan came back from his mission, that's when it occurred to me that a mission is not an ordinance--not even required for anything substantial other than an LDS social merit badge. Can you imagine if I start telling people around here that RS is optional? I'd be taken immediately to the SPrez for an 'interview'. Ahhh....so many unnecessary good things!! We must lunch when you come visit k?
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