Is it possible for two people to fall desperately in love with each other and completely not 'get' or like each other? All the time. But it doesn't have to happen because in reality, that situation is the product of many choices.
Now that I am old, I am starting to REALLY see how things work and appreciate the delicate tickings of the machinery of close interpersonal relationships. The scriptures have given me the best insights about male-female relationships. There are so many intricate workings but here are the big, broad strokes--keeping in mind that I am focusing only on male and female relationships that stem from a mutual understanding and realization that each have very deep feelings for one another and are now embarking on a relationship with each other whether it be that they are now dating exclusively or are already married:
1. Male and female NEED a partner to complete each other. There's no exception. A man simply needs a woman and vice-versa. Choosing a life partner is the single most important decision a person will make in this earthly life. It will mean the difference between grace and darkness.
Now that I am old, I am starting to REALLY see how things work and appreciate the delicate tickings of the machinery of close interpersonal relationships. The scriptures have given me the best insights about male-female relationships. There are so many intricate workings but here are the big, broad strokes--keeping in mind that I am focusing only on male and female relationships that stem from a mutual understanding and realization that each have very deep feelings for one another and are now embarking on a relationship with each other whether it be that they are now dating exclusively or are already married:
1. Male and female NEED a partner to complete each other. There's no exception. A man simply needs a woman and vice-versa. Choosing a life partner is the single most important decision a person will make in this earthly life. It will mean the difference between grace and darkness.
2. Physical attraction is the initial chemistry needed to attract the two 'species'. After that initial response which may be instant, the rest is simply made up of nothing but CHOICES.
3. The more we make good choices, the better we get at making them. This includes how we respond to the consequences of poor choices that we make when we do not have all the necessary tools and devices to help us or to those challenges that come packaged with life itself These choices create 'experiences' from which we may gain wisdom line upon line and precept upon precept.
4. The more effort and time we dedicate to invest in the relationships we have chosen, the more wisdom and light we accumulate. Because we cannot control other people's choices, we are behooved to concentrate only on our own choices. BUT our choices can affect and influence the choices that others make. This principle is where you can separate the goats from the sheep.
5. After we make the choice to love someone, we need to concentrate on HOW we love them....not how they love us. When we choose to concentrate on the other's lacks, we become oblivious and blind to their way of SHOWING their affection because every person shows their affections in many different ways--even ways that we are blind to. The more we show our love, the more the other person WANTS to show his/her feelings in ways that we can better understand and feel. Most of the time, we feel under-appreciated because we are concentrating too much on measuring the other's lack and thus we become miserable. The rule of the game is 'to give love' not 'take' because there is no need to 'take'....love is always freely given. "Taking" in this manner is merely subtle abuse. If EACH one concentrates on giving, all will fall into place because loving others is Heaven's rule. Demanding that love be shown to us ONLY in the context of our expectations breaks this rule. Each must adhere to this rule. Once this rule is broken, many unfavorable consequences follow that slowly result in discontent...even cruelty for one another. Guilt, malcontent, immature behaviour and a general feeling of dissatisfaction ensue and are entertained until those feelings rise to the surface: first slowly, then frequently....and then later only those feelings remain and couples 'suddenly' find themselves caught with these feelings with no real and concrete event to attach them to. Should you find yourself in this unpleasant and disturbing situation here's my advise: QUICK! Get over it and start working on showing more love. Results will follow slowly and then BAM! you get HIT with huge splashes of tender love.
What are the signs that we are NOT showing love? When relationships become 'tit for tat'. That is, we start to measure what we give against what we receive. When we are in this condition, we fail to see our own lack and become blind to the other person's efforts because we only want to see what we expect and become blind to the language of the other's affections and efforts. We begin to withhold affection. Grudges begin to form. Questions begin to pop where there wasn't any just moments before. And then we unjustly minimize our partner's love---even when in reality, his/her love never faltered. We want to punish. And oh at times, even retribution. This is a sign that we are immature----when giving becomes a 'sacrifice' or an effort rather than a privilege. This is nail #1 on the coffin of relationships. Showing someone you love her/him should be a happy event devoid of expectations because those expectations live in faith and security because our eyes can SEE the other person's efforts too.
When both concentrate on loving the other, both can see each other's beautiful spirits. We all have spirits that can recognize the image of our Creator in each other. That kind of love is a gift of the Spirit. We can ask for it. When we love another person, that is what we ask for---pray for. Then all will fall into place. Can two people fall in love with each other and not 'like' each other? Ya. It's possible. But only if each one chooses it. It is a choice. It is easy to like another person when you remember what made you fall in love with them in the first place. Then the wet clay falls from your eyes and you can see again. Crystal. Each MUST cultivate a culture of demonstrating love and affection for one another because we all know that love is an action word.
3. The more we make good choices, the better we get at making them. This includes how we respond to the consequences of poor choices that we make when we do not have all the necessary tools and devices to help us or to those challenges that come packaged with life itself These choices create 'experiences' from which we may gain wisdom line upon line and precept upon precept.
4. The more effort and time we dedicate to invest in the relationships we have chosen, the more wisdom and light we accumulate. Because we cannot control other people's choices, we are behooved to concentrate only on our own choices. BUT our choices can affect and influence the choices that others make. This principle is where you can separate the goats from the sheep.
5. After we make the choice to love someone, we need to concentrate on HOW we love them....not how they love us. When we choose to concentrate on the other's lacks, we become oblivious and blind to their way of SHOWING their affection because every person shows their affections in many different ways--even ways that we are blind to. The more we show our love, the more the other person WANTS to show his/her feelings in ways that we can better understand and feel. Most of the time, we feel under-appreciated because we are concentrating too much on measuring the other's lack and thus we become miserable. The rule of the game is 'to give love' not 'take' because there is no need to 'take'....love is always freely given. "Taking" in this manner is merely subtle abuse. If EACH one concentrates on giving, all will fall into place because loving others is Heaven's rule. Demanding that love be shown to us ONLY in the context of our expectations breaks this rule. Each must adhere to this rule. Once this rule is broken, many unfavorable consequences follow that slowly result in discontent...even cruelty for one another. Guilt, malcontent, immature behaviour and a general feeling of dissatisfaction ensue and are entertained until those feelings rise to the surface: first slowly, then frequently....and then later only those feelings remain and couples 'suddenly' find themselves caught with these feelings with no real and concrete event to attach them to. Should you find yourself in this unpleasant and disturbing situation here's my advise: QUICK! Get over it and start working on showing more love. Results will follow slowly and then BAM! you get HIT with huge splashes of tender love.
What are the signs that we are NOT showing love? When relationships become 'tit for tat'. That is, we start to measure what we give against what we receive. When we are in this condition, we fail to see our own lack and become blind to the other person's efforts because we only want to see what we expect and become blind to the language of the other's affections and efforts. We begin to withhold affection. Grudges begin to form. Questions begin to pop where there wasn't any just moments before. And then we unjustly minimize our partner's love---even when in reality, his/her love never faltered. We want to punish. And oh at times, even retribution. This is a sign that we are immature----when giving becomes a 'sacrifice' or an effort rather than a privilege. This is nail #1 on the coffin of relationships. Showing someone you love her/him should be a happy event devoid of expectations because those expectations live in faith and security because our eyes can SEE the other person's efforts too.
When both concentrate on loving the other, both can see each other's beautiful spirits. We all have spirits that can recognize the image of our Creator in each other. That kind of love is a gift of the Spirit. We can ask for it. When we love another person, that is what we ask for---pray for. Then all will fall into place. Can two people fall in love with each other and not 'like' each other? Ya. It's possible. But only if each one chooses it. It is a choice. It is easy to like another person when you remember what made you fall in love with them in the first place. Then the wet clay falls from your eyes and you can see again. Crystal. Each MUST cultivate a culture of demonstrating love and affection for one another because we all know that love is an action word.
6. Choose your imperfections wisely. That is, when you love someone, you must decide if his/her imperfections are 'perfect' for you. This is a choice. This is a choice.
7. Blame is a useless burden. Remove that from your baggage. Solve the problem instead. Imperfections are attached to each human being. Problems that arise between two people who love each other are merely situational and can be solved together. Discuss the problem as if it were a third person that is between you---like someone who is standing in front of the television and you can't see the show--ya, that way. Then find a solution to rid your relationship of this intruder. Together, you can choose to make those changes that will shoo that intruder away and then you can stand closer to each other and see one another better.
8. Be fearless. Love without a safety net. Sometimes, thinking too much is the intruder.
9. Be creative in showing affection. And shower the other with such.
10. Pray that the Spirit will gift you with clarity to see things through your partner's eyes. Give the other the benefit of the doubt. Envelope yourself with the faith and assurance of his/her love for you. And if you have the great blessing of time invested in each other, nurture the other with an avalanche of conviction and faith in his/her love. There is nothing that buoys your partner more than this display of faith in the other. If you complain or lament about his/her lack or fault, it is like a hot knife through a soft heart. It stings. It hurts.
Liking each other is easy after you've already established that there is a physical connection. Did I say it is a choice after that initial realization? Oh ya. I would venture to say that that initial 'recognition' and that continued longing for the other is a spiritual connection too---sort of a 'remembrance' or a recognition of something intangible and sometimes, undefinable notion of belonging. That unique connection is electricity. And now the choice is how to harness that magic into a real and powerful force that will complete male and female into one complete whole. And that choice is one that you will make every day.
7. Blame is a useless burden. Remove that from your baggage. Solve the problem instead. Imperfections are attached to each human being. Problems that arise between two people who love each other are merely situational and can be solved together. Discuss the problem as if it were a third person that is between you---like someone who is standing in front of the television and you can't see the show--ya, that way. Then find a solution to rid your relationship of this intruder. Together, you can choose to make those changes that will shoo that intruder away and then you can stand closer to each other and see one another better.
8. Be fearless. Love without a safety net. Sometimes, thinking too much is the intruder.
9. Be creative in showing affection. And shower the other with such.
10. Pray that the Spirit will gift you with clarity to see things through your partner's eyes. Give the other the benefit of the doubt. Envelope yourself with the faith and assurance of his/her love for you. And if you have the great blessing of time invested in each other, nurture the other with an avalanche of conviction and faith in his/her love. There is nothing that buoys your partner more than this display of faith in the other. If you complain or lament about his/her lack or fault, it is like a hot knife through a soft heart. It stings. It hurts.
Liking each other is easy after you've already established that there is a physical connection. Did I say it is a choice after that initial realization? Oh ya. I would venture to say that that initial 'recognition' and that continued longing for the other is a spiritual connection too---sort of a 'remembrance' or a recognition of something intangible and sometimes, undefinable notion of belonging. That unique connection is electricity. And now the choice is how to harness that magic into a real and powerful force that will complete male and female into one complete whole. And that choice is one that you will make every day.
I am SO thankful that I have a husband who lives this principle. I came into our relationship with a truckload of heavy baggage. I was an immature wounded NEEDY young woman who demanded much. I cannot even fathom what my fate would have been had my wonderful husband not loved me so completely and so utterly patiently. Even when it seemed so one-sided, he still showed me love despite my severe lack of perspective and maturity---or rather, despite my constant demands for more evidence of his love. It was always there constantly. I just didn't recognize them because I was too busy measuring. But he saw something in me that even I still can't see and it didn't stop there. He was TRUE to what he saw and still he loves me. He even forgives so quickly my inability to SEE his demonstrations while I was busy looking for my expectations. He is my example and all I ask is that God will give us more time so I can be better at loving him. Remember that rule---heaven's rule---to show love, to give love first and all will fall into place. Choose to live this way. Choose to love this way.
2 comments:
This is beautiful Tita Christie.
Perfect advice. Thanks mom.
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