Last night, we took the kids out to dinner at Bangkok Orchid. We had the usual: Pad Thai, Pineapple-Shrimp Curry, Barbecued Chicken, Strawberry Chicken and Hot Spicy Soup. A bit too much indulgence. Especially on my part.
While we were waiting for the food, I was mesmerized by the scene across the table. A woman was yelling at her son who was probably around 5 or 6 years old. I heard a lot of "don't do that" and " stop it". At first, she was trying to speak softly but she was quite obviously irritated. Then she pulled a cellphone from her purse and proceeded to make a phonecall. This time, her son began to touch the cellphone as if to taunt her and in turn, she responded with "stop it!"
My kids could see that I was distracted by the unfolding scene and so I said to them: watch; that little boy's behavior is going to worsen.
I could see that the young boy was quite enjoying the attention and the more she responded, the more he made himself annoying but this time, he began to mimic her. Mother responded by increasing the volume of her voice until her pleas began to sound like exasperated yells. "You're really getting on my nerves" and "you're being such a bad boy!". Then she began to make the usual threats. "You're gonna get it" and "wait til we get home" and "I'll give you a spanking if you don't stop". And every time, the boy's behavior got worse until the mother decided to leave.
I've seen this scene a thousand times played out in the grocery stores, at the malls, restaurants, streets, in church....When some of my nephews were this particular age and younger, everybody in the family thought it was cute and funny every time they misbehaved. For example, it would not be unusual to see siblings yell at each other, hit each other or call each other names and everybody in the family would simply laugh and think their little antics were cute. Well, that may be so. But now that they're older and they STILL annoy each other and call each other names, it's no longer cute or funny. It's become a habit now and siblings don't know how to behave with each other anymore. It's as if they've learned the steps to a dance and can't seem to dance any other way----or as if someone had written them a script on how to behave with each other and now they can't improvise because they've memorized their part too efficiently and it would be too 'weird' or foreign to act any other way. Each child now has a part and they react to each other according to the only 'script' that they've known.
Parents often wonder how their children suddenly 'became a problem'. There is no 'suddenly' about it. Their behavior is a learned behavior. They've just gotten 'better' at it and they're no longer cute.
As the woman exited the restaurant, I suddenly felt a sadness, a melancholy. If she only knew that the solution were so simple. If she only knew that children love attention---good or bad---it doesn't matter. If she only knew that it is possible to ignore bad behavior and reward good behavior. And that the little things that seem insignificant can mean the difference: the 'please's' and 'thank you's'. The "mister's" and "ma'am"s. The "excuse me's" and "may I's"---that there are magic words that can build character. If she only knew that there are also words that will surely create havoc in its time: the "shut-up's", "you're so stupid", the "get me this" and "get out of here!". The "no, you can't's" and the "stop doing that's". There are words that build, reassure and provide safety. And there are words that destroy, devalue and decay the spirit. Politeness DOES count. So does gratitude. And above all, our examples can either foreshadow or give light.
I am now eating my red bean ice cream and we've had a wonderful time again. And as my children now grown, prepare to leave their homes one more time to attend college too far away from me, I am reminded again that that hole in my heart that healed itself all summer is about to burst wide open again. I am feeling very, very vulnerable. And introspective.
In the morning, or to be accurate, this morning, I paid dearly for indulging in Thai food. Tascha leaves in 36 hours. Tonight, my mind is racing.
I may need to swallow a pill to calm my oozing heart.
While we were waiting for the food, I was mesmerized by the scene across the table. A woman was yelling at her son who was probably around 5 or 6 years old. I heard a lot of "don't do that" and " stop it". At first, she was trying to speak softly but she was quite obviously irritated. Then she pulled a cellphone from her purse and proceeded to make a phonecall. This time, her son began to touch the cellphone as if to taunt her and in turn, she responded with "stop it!"
My kids could see that I was distracted by the unfolding scene and so I said to them: watch; that little boy's behavior is going to worsen.
I could see that the young boy was quite enjoying the attention and the more she responded, the more he made himself annoying but this time, he began to mimic her. Mother responded by increasing the volume of her voice until her pleas began to sound like exasperated yells. "You're really getting on my nerves" and "you're being such a bad boy!". Then she began to make the usual threats. "You're gonna get it" and "wait til we get home" and "I'll give you a spanking if you don't stop". And every time, the boy's behavior got worse until the mother decided to leave.
I've seen this scene a thousand times played out in the grocery stores, at the malls, restaurants, streets, in church....When some of my nephews were this particular age and younger, everybody in the family thought it was cute and funny every time they misbehaved. For example, it would not be unusual to see siblings yell at each other, hit each other or call each other names and everybody in the family would simply laugh and think their little antics were cute. Well, that may be so. But now that they're older and they STILL annoy each other and call each other names, it's no longer cute or funny. It's become a habit now and siblings don't know how to behave with each other anymore. It's as if they've learned the steps to a dance and can't seem to dance any other way----or as if someone had written them a script on how to behave with each other and now they can't improvise because they've memorized their part too efficiently and it would be too 'weird' or foreign to act any other way. Each child now has a part and they react to each other according to the only 'script' that they've known.
Parents often wonder how their children suddenly 'became a problem'. There is no 'suddenly' about it. Their behavior is a learned behavior. They've just gotten 'better' at it and they're no longer cute.
As the woman exited the restaurant, I suddenly felt a sadness, a melancholy. If she only knew that the solution were so simple. If she only knew that children love attention---good or bad---it doesn't matter. If she only knew that it is possible to ignore bad behavior and reward good behavior. And that the little things that seem insignificant can mean the difference: the 'please's' and 'thank you's'. The "mister's" and "ma'am"s. The "excuse me's" and "may I's"---that there are magic words that can build character. If she only knew that there are also words that will surely create havoc in its time: the "shut-up's", "you're so stupid", the "get me this" and "get out of here!". The "no, you can't's" and the "stop doing that's". There are words that build, reassure and provide safety. And there are words that destroy, devalue and decay the spirit. Politeness DOES count. So does gratitude. And above all, our examples can either foreshadow or give light.
I am now eating my red bean ice cream and we've had a wonderful time again. And as my children now grown, prepare to leave their homes one more time to attend college too far away from me, I am reminded again that that hole in my heart that healed itself all summer is about to burst wide open again. I am feeling very, very vulnerable. And introspective.
In the morning, or to be accurate, this morning, I paid dearly for indulging in Thai food. Tascha leaves in 36 hours. Tonight, my mind is racing.
I may need to swallow a pill to calm my oozing heart.
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