An Exercise In Control

I am an artist. I cannot imagine my life devoid of the opportunity to employ various mechanisms and vehicles to express myself. I am also temperamental. At times, I can be insufferable. For sure, I am opinionated. To make matters worse, I am seemingly confident. And that's my double-edged sword. At times, I'm not sure if my seeming confidence is actually Fear trying to protect myself from perceived dangers---a residual reaction of a honed instinct perfected from years of trying to protect the helpless child in me that suffered from predators and abusers. At times, I think that that confidence really IS confidence; the result of my quest to find enlightenment and wisdom in the darkness and desperation of a childhood full of strife and challenges. Nevertheless, its that perceived confidence that has confused, misunderstood and misguided many into forming an accurate idea and impression of who I really am. When others finally figure me out, it's always a revelation---an unexpected discovery that I am, after all, simple and easy to figure out. Not only that. People actually are surprised that I am a nice person. 


Sometimes, I am an easy fodder for those who perceive me as a confident, resourceful person. For them, it is easier to hate me than to accept me. For years, I wanted acceptance and love from people. I thought I found that when I got married and began a new life in a new place and setting. But that was not to be. Instead, for years, I have been one of two favorite targets for gossip and back-stabbing. One of the members of the "let's-put-her-in-her-place" club once told me, after nearly 10 years of "leadership" in the quest to make me look bad and therefore "unlovable", that all she wanted to do was "put one over me" because she was jealous of how everybody in the family loved me. That was her perception when she first met me. And she was determined to change that. 


After nearly two decades, I can definitely state that her quest to subvert and taint my standing in my new family has been very successful. Her efforts made for interesting holiday get-togethers---the kind where you walk in and you know you've been the topic of conversation while you were gone---and usually ended where, on the drive home, you suddenly realize that you've been put-down several times but didn't quite make the connection until miles later. Her methodology is insidious because of her subtlety...and because it took years of chipping and erosion through "gossip" and innuendos. Her loud and attention-demanding personality seemed to charm everybody and in due time, she was won everybody over. Before long, members of the family began to see and interpret the way I behave in ways that are so diametrically opposed to my motivations...yet strangely believable, thanks to her consistency. Consequently, for many of those years, I began to unravel to the point where I felt depressed, unappreciated and misunderstood. I used to have panic attacks whenever the prospect of having to be with them came up. I was a mess. My saving grace was being married to the most wonderful man in the world. In the end, it became apparent that the best move for us was distance. I no longer felt the need to try to belong. 


But then, about five years ago, I made a connection. The reason for my challenges was simple: I was desperate because I wanted people I loved to love me back... and I felt powerless because I could not control the forces (or people) whose habit and pastime was to make me look bad by gossip, intrigue and one-sided competition. Control is such an under-appreciated force. We want to make sure others comport themselves in ways that we expect. We want our husbands to be more loving. We want our children to be more ambitious.. . or we want them to love each other. We want our teachers to make us their teacher's pet. We want our boss to appreciate and complement us---perhaps pay us more. We want the world to move and turn in the direction that will give us the best advantage. Sometimes, we want to save others. And often, we just want others to like us...and like us VERY much. So we live our lives often with the intent to improve our husbands so they can become the men they're supposed to be. Or we live our lives solely to make sure no one will hate us or that others will like us. We just want to change the world around us to suit our needs and wants. Therein lies the hook. 


The reality is, we have absolutely NO control over the things around us. Sure, we can manipulate people, gossip about others so that we can control how others feel about the people who threaten us. Or we can threaten or cajole others to do what we want them to do. But in doing so, we pay a hefty price and set ourselves up to fail or to a life of disappointment and/or unhappiness. The truth is, the only person we can control is ourselves. And if we want the world around us to change, we need only change ourselves. Having realized this, I began to connect the dots. Everyday has been an experiment in control. Last week, I decided to control the way I see others. My goal: to be a cheerful, happy person. My methodology: to smile at three strangers, to strike a friendly conversation with three strangers and to compliment three people. What a revelation! I won't go into the wonderful details of my experiment but I will say that the results were astounding! Now, a week later, I am more sensitive to the world around me and what I can contribute to the 'force' of the day with my attitude, my decisions and my goals. The trick is, make your goals specific and simple enough to invite success. My experiment is still in the infant stage and the changes I aim to make are mere baby-steps but I am beginning to feel a difference.