See Faux Go

Being Over Fifty And The Inevitable Colonoscopy

I am home right now. Close to the bathroom. Tomorrow, I am going to submit to the unenviable eventuality that comes with reaching past the half century mark: the dreaded colonoscopy. The procedure itself does not daunt me. How hard can it be when everyone I know who has done it have complete amnesia about the procedure? The only part I dread is the inserting of the IV needle. After that it's event horizon.

I've already taken the two pills that's supposed to make me go initially before I begin consuming the 2 liter jug full of eeky solution that will really make it happen. I heard it's pretty gruesome. We shall see.

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Have already drank 2 8oz glasses of the Halflytely solution. 6 more glasses to go. It is nasty but I am thinking positively. I drink each glass standing up. I have to drink a glass every 10 minutes. Holy cow! I have to tell myself that I can DO IT. I suck on a peppermint candy in between glasses. I hope this is the worse part of the prep. After I consume the dastardly concoction, I have to stay close to the bathroom. Then the second ordeal begins. Oh joy.

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It's the morning of the procedure and I've been going pretty much most of the night. It was NOT easy drinking the 4th to the last glasses full of Halflytely. By the time I drank my 2nd glass, the bathroom call began. It took me nearly 3 hours to drink all 2 liters of the cursed concoction. By the 2nd glass, I experienced chills. My hands and feet were so cold not even a blanket helped. By the 4th glass, I was fighting nausea and a feeling of malaise. Every gulp of the solution went down only by sheer mental games---mostly fighting the urge to quit or throw up. I threw up some of the 6th glass. But I managed to tell myself to hold the last one down. It was sheer determination that got me through the last one. I was actually surprised that I had difficulty drinking the solution because it didn't seem that much. The taste wasn't too bad at first but then it started to taste really salty---like lemonade with lots of salt. I don't salt my foods so maybe I'm just not used to that salty taste. Anyway, this morning, I feel fine except for some queasiness in my belly. I don't think I'm done going to the bathroom and I have to be at the surgery center in 2 hours. So I better be getting me ready. I"ll write more about my experience at the surgery center. For now my big question is: should I put make-up on? Lashes? I can't bear to think that I'll be going somewhere 'unmade'. Ahhh....vanity.

More later.

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Leaving for surgery center now. Decided to go all made up...lashes and all. I wouldn't want to go get a colonoscopy looking harried, do I? So here's a shot of me before I walked out the door:

Let me tell you the worst of the whole enterprise of getting a colonoscopy: THE WAITING. So I get to the surgery center half an hour before the scheduled time. I waited an extra half hour just to get past the reception room. There were already people waiting for their turn. I realized they were all patients of Dr. Yeh--my same doctor. I counted 6 names on the roster before my name. I am in a virtual conveyor belt of people on gurneys waiting for Dr. Yeh to look into our colons. That was not a very comforting thought for me at this time.

When they let me in, they weighed me, put me on a gurney and took my vitals. Then she made me sign more papers. I think the nurse did not expect that I would read the fine print. I did. She gave me a disposable hospital gown and told me to take off everything from the waist down. Then she told me to wait. I waited. Then another nurse came, attached me to a heart machine, blood pressure cuffs, finger thermometer and...the dreaded IV needed/port on my right hand. (Since I was going to be made to lie down on my left side for the procedure, right?) Hated that. Then the worst--I waited over 45 minutes in that curtained 'cubby' room with that needle stuck in my hand! I had nothing to do. Not a magazine. I just....waited.

Finally, the nurse wheeled me to one of the colonoscopy rooms. where she placed an oxygen tube around my head. There I waited again. Fifteen minutes later, I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. As I was trying to figure out how to get myself untangled from the tubes and wires, the anesthesiologist came. I told her I needed to go so they helped me out. I felt better. As soon as I returned, she made me lie down on my left side and I watched her take a syringe, plunge it into 2 or 3 bottles, mixing the milky white cocktail by priming the plunger up and down. It was mainly Michael Jackson's choice of sleep agent: propofol. I closed my eyes as she administered it. It was a fun and strange experience. First I could still see the light through my closed lids. Then suddenly, I only saw a black, dark screen....like when you turn off the telly. I remember thinking: Whoa! Everything is black! I guess I will be sleeping soon. Then nothing.

I woke up and Kurt was there. Everything went well. They showed me some shots of the inside of my colon. It tooked nice and red and shiny. Nothing remarkable. They had to give me another drug to wake me up apparently coz I wouldn't wake up. No big deal. I got up a little woozy.

Went to King's Fish House for my macadamia encrusted Halibut with orange sauce. Then looked around the Anne Taylor store. Found a nice blue shirt and a couple of cute head bands. I guess I was still under the influence.

So I'm home now. Still have a buzz. A little diarrhea. I don't like the buzz.

I don't have to have a colonoscopy for 10 years. I couldn't bear the thought of drinking Halflytely. Perhaps in 10 years they will finally just make virtual colonoscopy de rigueur. You know---the one where you swallow a small camera.

So now I feel like I could sleep for a day with that buzz in my head.