See Faux Go

INTELLECTUALIZING DEPRESSION

It's been such a struggle to write lately. I have a lot of things in my mind but can't quite articulate them because I am not sure this is the forum to do so. I find myself helplessly evaluating my life. My last child has left to go to college and suddenly, I find that I feel so much desperation over the acute notion that I can't seem to find a reason for my existence. I have been a full-time mother for 25 years. Full time. I poured everthing I have to raising my children. And now, without them, I can't seem to figure out what my role is. Intellectually, I understand why I feel the way I do and more so, I KNOW what I should do: projects, writing, finishing projects on hold, school, travel, more time with my husband to reconnect, enjoying my friends, finding a job, learning another language, piano lessons, harp lessons, guitar lessons....a reinvention of my life's calling. I can fill my days with endless busy work. Since the day my daughter left, which is a mere two months ago, I've spent a week in Paris, France, a few days in San Francisco, a couple of trips to Provo, piano lessons and Seminary. I am getting ready for another trip to San Francisco this weekend. And I still feel a gnawing darkness inside me. I must be going through a difficult depression.

I think the biggest need that I desperately long for is a way to creatively express myself. The best way to describe this feeling figuratively is this: I want to have a huge, blank canvas to paint but don't have any paints and brushes.

Transitions are such a stressful enterprise. And perhaps time is my best ally. Through all this, I have felt the loving arms of a God who loves me and sends me angels along the way to ease my burdens. They come in various different forms and faces. We have been so blessed with ample resources to help me open doors. For these blessings, I am so truly grateful.